Divorce, Death, Step-mother and Will (in that order!)

[dungandbother]

Grateful for any input, my brain is so mushed over the situation.

My parents divorced 17 years ago. I'm one of three children. They were middle class wealthy.

My dad remarried fairly quickly as he'd been having an affair. She quickly became pregnant and I have a half brother. His wife (my step-mother) is my age, she is a European national.

I haven't had much of a relationship with my father, I chose NC mostly as he wasn't much good as a father. But I have seen him every year, sometimes once, sometimes a dozen times. He sends birthday cards to my siblings and I and he sends his grandchildren cards and cash.

Sadly my dad died a month ago, very suddenly and unexpectedly.

I am confused as to the will. If there is one, why hasn't step mother said anything? If there isn't one, why hasn't she said anything?

I don't much care for his money. I do care to know whether he cared about the first part of his life where he was our dad for 25 years before f'ing off. £100 for the grandchildren would be about as grabby as I get.

So I am all angry about the not knowing part so I feel I should simply ask step mother. But she's grieving. So is it inappropriate?

Going around in circles..........

Whereabouts are you - inheritance laws are different in different countries, there's even a difference between England/Wales and Scotland.

Bear in mind there could be a will that leaves everything to stepmother. Alternatively there could be no will and, depending on value of the estate, everything goes to stepmother as his current wife. It's possible that other family - original family or newer family - won't get anything.

I understand where you're coming from, my Dad died two years ago, we were NC, I didn't get on with stepmother and my half-brothers. I've heard nothing from any of them. I've watched the gov.uk probate register and he hasn't appeared on the list, so I presume that everything he had was jointly owned (i.e. now hers) and the remaining estate was insufficient to probate. Kinda sucks that he's left nothing to his only daughter, but what can you do?

Yeah, it does suck but its the emotional bit bugging me. I can happily wash my hands of him, her and my half brother if he has entirely left everything to her. Clearly we didn't mean anything, not even a memento type emotional stuff.

England.
Wealthy.
He owns house £450k, shares ownership of a couple of greater London flats, maybe a couple of local flats. So I could aim a guess at his has equity in property approaching £1m.
Plus vehicles. There's a wad of cash in wheels.

The rest is property which obviously is step-mothers at the house.

Sigh

Sorry for your loss,x

Have you and the family not heard about funeral arrangements? That would be a tactful way to make contact and to see the widow and other extended family. It might come up naturally in conversation. Or perhaps that is the time to ask for momentoes eg picture, photo

If he hasn't written a Will and if he was living in the UK, then you and any siblings would be entitled to something.

If he has written a Will, it would be very unusual for him not to have left you something, don't you think?

My exh divorced me to be with ow.
We'd been married 33 years so my children were about 30 and slightly younger.
He died 2.5 years ago. By then he was estranged from our daughter, who was the apple of his eye.
He was still very close to our son, who was there at his death bed and his son too.

He told our son , don't worry, I've looked after you.
In his will he'd left everything to second wife. Nothing to his children or grandchildren.
Ow did give our son £6k . My ex worked 5 years in Dubai . Before he came back to uk with cancer.
I can't believe the grandson he doted on got nothing. I think he's had a verbal agreement with his second wife . By leaving everything to her there's no tax to pay I think.

I don't know. It hurt my son deeply, that he wasn't mentioned in his dad's will. He's not grabby. He would have been happy with just a letter from him.

His dad offered to give our son £10k for a deposit on a house but my son turned it down as he wasn't in a position to get a mortgage. He thought his dad would have honoured the £10k

Honestly - i don't think there is any possible good outcome here if you ask. Children of first marriages get royally fucked in this situation IMO but unless you actually need the money and have a claim as a dependent, I would leave it alone. The fact that you are wanting proof that he cared about you suggests grief to me that the £100 you suggest won't assuage, and I think your energy would be best spent going to the funeral and maybe bereavement counselling. Sorry to be po faced - i have seen horrible legal battles and people unable ever to speak again and I would steer clear for your own sake.

He's left everything to his wife ( your stepmother ) and hasn't thought any farther than that ,
Sadly , that's what happens

I'm totally prepared to be corrected on this, but I believe that in cases where there is no will, the spouse inherits the first £300k automatically (please don't quote me on this, it's purely anecdotal and I haven't even googled it). Could it be that she's assuming she automatically inherits the lot? Surely it would have to go through probate?

I think I'd get in touch with her and ask if he'd mentioned any momentos he wanted you and your DC to have, family photographs etc. If the answer is no, then ask her what's happening with probate.

Sn0tnose good point! Exactly the sort of MN response I need.

The funeral happened. She's a strange European religion. On his deathbed, she had the priest change him from no religion to (cult) religion. The fact that he was by then brain dead but technically alive is seemingly by the by. It gives an indication to my stepmother however. That and the fact she left her motherland aged 24 to live with a rich man 30 years her senior.

Without a will it becomes the rules of intestacy and because he has a wife but also has children, his wife would inherit all personal belongings and the first £250,000 of the estate and then the further half of the remaining estate, the other half of remaining estate shared equally between his children unless him & his wife head joint owned property oc, if there is no will my advice is to be careful who u all appoint administrator/guarantor of the estate don't just leave it to one person use two or more, if there is a will & its valid then if u are mentioned as a beneficiary whoever is named guarantor of the estate has to inform u that u are a beneficiary of the estate, if u don't ask and nobody mentions anything to u then u won't be able to find out anything until probate is done can take average of three months but thats when u get a probate certificate & it becomes public record what estate is worth etc u also have to consider inheritance tax etc

Thank you Toriamayrose

your comment about not asking and nobody mentioning anything is exactly my dilemma.

She's not British. She's a member of a religious cult (incidentally, all flower donations were to be given to Lloyds Bank xx xx (the cult) so either she is religiously deluded & brainwashed or deluded and brainwashed. Neither of which is good news.

I'm worried she has torn up a will. I'm worried she will ignore the existence of a will. I'm not convinced he was smart enough to use a lawyer to write a will. I have no idea who he would have appointed executors as after his affair, all contacts related to his 'previous' life deserted him.

At his funeral, a cousin of his told me it was a shame my mother had taken 90% of their assets. So he bullshitted his way through his new life because that simply isn't true. My parents were ordered in court to split their entire asset pot 50/50 when divorcing. So I know exactly how much he had to begin with.

Reading backwards
DoIlooklikeatourist - yes, I am happy to totally accept he left her everything. But surely she should be telling us who is executors, here is the will.
Has enough time passed during her grieving?

Annandale - nobody was talking to each other in the first place. There isn't any falling out to be done. With that in mind, how can I live the rest of my life not asking did he have a will?

Can she just get on with life and not say anything? Not pay death taxes as surviving spouse?

Chuckling at my own circles which have been blathering endlessly in my head now being written down on t'internet

If he made a will without the help of a soliciter or professtional & u fear she may destroy it then I just like to assure u that it probably isn't valid anyways my late father when he passed we found four different wills he had prepared himself over the course of about 15 years & never got professtional help preparing any of them turned out they was all invalid for different reasons such as no witnesses had signed it etc and his estate ended up in probate despite four wills basically stating same thing, I can't stress enough after losing my father how important itis to not just write a will but get it done with a solicter to make sure its valid, my father wasn't married & me & my siblings were the beneficiaries with no will but the wills he had wrote was leaving it to all his children anyways but sadly my fathers wishes in those wills of odd things like my brother getting family bible, his motorbike wasn't how it went & half bro pushed for everything to be sold & split equally right down to the things that wasn't worth much but held so many memories to different children which tore rest of us apart there was plenty of estate land for all of us, anyways back to you not knowing if u don't want to ask about a will best thing u can do is give your local probate a ring they number will be on line they won't be able to tell u anything but can give u a website address u can check for when probate is done & you can buy a copy of the certificate yourself for £10 other than that there's nothing u can do if you really don't want to approach his wife about it, if he has left a will leaving it to his wife she hasn't got to inform any of you only if your a beneficiary with a will but if there is no will you are entitled & should be informed by guarantor, may I just add that its in no way my business but no matter what the past held he was you're father & he was her husband & right now its a time u should all be dealing with it together & supporting each other despite the past & its such a shame to read u feel u can't talk to her about if there is a will or not, isn't there any room for just meeting for a cuppa in a cafe & a quick chat about all that has to be done??

She doesn't have to tell anyone anything if there was a Will that left everything to her.

This is the 3rd story I've read on MN in the last couple of weeks of fathers who are careless, thoughtless and selfish about their children. I despair at these men who are so gormless & passive that they allow such situations to happen, and give no thought to their children, and the acknowledgement of the families they have made - not by accident. It seems that the 'first' family in these situations gets a particularly raw deal - we read it in the Relationships forum every day - men pissing off from family life - which they had an equal part in creating and pretending that they have no children.

It's awful. And in these situations, I don't think that adult children are at all 'grabby' to think about wills & inheritances. As the OP's story shows, the money means more than just the cash - it's symbolic of the way one's parent[s] think about theitr children..

OP if you think there's case for challenging the will (and there is a substantial estate so it might be worth it) you need to do it now. You can't challenge the 2nd wife's will - when she inevitably leaves everything to her children, shifting money away from half of her husband's family.

It's scandalous, the way English law allows this. For careless thoughtless selfish fathers to be so dismissive & ignoring of their children.

for you OP

Goodness what a turn up.

Step mum said I would hear from HER lawyer. I did think odd. Surely it should be HIS.

I left it a week. Not heard a dickie.

Chased her directly by text and asked who are the executors ? (Politely of course)

She replied She is the Executor of HER husbands estate. There is no will and I will hear from her lawyers directly.

Pppphhhhnnnnnnnrrrrrraaaarrrrggggghhhhh

Sorry. Got carried away making a MN approved sort of sound.

Now on my second bottle of wine. The MN sound was whilst sober

Looks like the lawyers will get pay day.

Of I am reading your latest post correctly, Op, I think by 'Laywer' she means Solicitor. If there is no will, then she would have either had to do the Executing of the the estate herself (all the paperwork, probate etc) herself, which is doable but can be difficult and tedious, or instructed a solicitor to do this on her behalf, hence 'her' solicitor.
It is quite usual for Executor to instruct solicitors to do this, will or no will.
This should mean that, if the estate is as you think in the region of £1m, then the residue, after her legal entitlement, will be split between all your father's children.

Thank you faded. That's hopeful. That means no fight.

I'm just weary that she had taken 6 weeks to communicate the fact there's no will.
And a week after being chased (politely) there was no news, a second chase brings news of no will.

I sincerely hope she sends a letter imminently stating the estate and what the terms of intestate mean for our family.

These things take time, Op.
There will have been a search for any previous wills, probably including contacting other solicitors, searching records etc, none of which would be classed as urgent, and it is August, so delays might have occurred due to holidays.
There will also have to be searches for outstanding debts or payments due to the estate, and HMRC and other agencies will have had to be informed, which again may have delayed things. Then probate will have to be applied for. You could be waiting months or longer before it is all sorted and any monies paid out.
It is unlikely that your Stepmother knows anything very definite at this stage, so I wouldn't be holding my breathe waiting for a letter from her in the immediate future.
Have a look at the .gov.uk website for information, they do a good information booklet on the all legal side, IIRC it's called 'What happens when someone dies' or something very similar.
Sorry for your loss.

Thank you again Faded.
Your wise words bring me some peace

I hope you find some peace, Op. It's difficult enough coming to terms/getting used to the loss of a parent in any circumstances, even when there was no 'complications', so be gentle with yourself in regards to conflicted emotions.
But these things do take time. When my DM died, there was a will, no property to sort out, just a relatively small amount of money (circa £20k), no complicated family, two sibs, about as straightforward as you could get. It still took nine months before the residue was sent to the beneficiaries.
So no will, considerably large estate, two families, living spouse, property etc and no will, it is likely to take much, much longer.

If he's died intestate then there are laws about how his estate is distributed. I think it would be reasonable to ask your father's wife for the contact details of the solicitors who are dealing with the matter. Then you can contact them directly. As your father's daughter, you have every right to know about the distribution of his estate.

It must be very difficult for you all.