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Original poster

Ex's contact with children

131 replies

saoirse17 · 14/04/2017 12:47

My ex has apparently sent in an application to court regarding his contact with the children. I don't know more than that he's sent me an email saying this.

We did have parenting plan that we both signed after the separation but the children really don't want to see their dad for all that time and I can't force them to do anything against their wishes. Which has resulted in him losing out on some of the time that was in that plan.

Every time he sees the children they always seem to have a fight and they're always upset both before and after he's seen them. I really don't think it's in their best interest.

He has also had a new child, the children don't want to see her, or his new partner. So far he made them see the new partner once, 2 years ago, which was a horrible experience for the children. Can he make them see the partner and new child?

Would the court make the children see him if they say they don't want to?

He wants to make out I'm stopping it but I've never stopped anything. It's totally their own opinions. And I won't force them.

Anyone that can give me any guidance?

OP posts:
StewieGMum · 14/04/2017 14:31

Their father having an affair won't be construed as a reason to stop contact. It being a horrible thing to do to your children isn't viewed as problematic by the courts.

Not liking their new stepmother won't be viewed as a reason to stop contact since they can't have made an accurate judgment on one meeting - unless she was incredibly vile to them. Having an affair with their father is not considered sufficient.

Denying the children a relationship with their sibling is wrong. They deserve a chance to get to know one another. And they are all too young to make this decision.

Original poster
saoirse17 · 14/04/2017 14:33

@NabobsFromNobHill well that is a big reason for the children for wanting to see her at least. She wrecked the family in their eyes and I can't say I disagree.

OP posts:
Starlightmoonlight · 14/04/2017 14:34

Courts don't care she was the OW they care that the father has a relationship with their children.

DontGiveAFlying · 14/04/2017 14:35

She wrecked the family in their eyes and I can't say I disagree.

I give up. This is going to backfire massively in court.

Good luck, you most definitely need it.

BlackeyedSusan · 14/04/2017 14:36

lots of children do not like transition from one place to another. they hate going to dads, they may hate coming back.

have you worked through the good things about going to dad's?

where did they find out things about the divorce? from you or from dad? or someone else?

NabobsFromNobHill · 14/04/2017 14:37

She wrecked the family in their eyes and I can't say I disagree

In YOUR eyes. YOU have given them this stance. YOU have alienated them from their father. YOU have made your children angry and , and YOU are going to regret it.

SpareASquare · 14/04/2017 14:38

You are doing, and have done, your children a great disservice. You know what you've done and the influence you've had on the children Sad

Sweets101 · 14/04/2017 14:45

I think as their mum you could do alot to support them having a relationship with their father and sister.
If they didn't want to go to school presumably you wouldn't facilitate that?
You are doing wrong by them not to support them in having a relationship with their family.
I can't help but wonder how much of this is down to their own wishes and how much is down to them not wanting to upset you. It is your job to emotionally support them, not the other way around.

Sweets101 · 14/04/2017 14:47

I'm afraid i agree with Nabobs
I appreciate how difficult this is, but honestly you need to start doing some serious damage limitation from the sounds of it.

Parker231 · 14/04/2017 14:51

There doesn't seem to be any reason why your DC shouldn't see their DF and their sibling. If you don't encourage them to go for the weekends they will never have a chance to have a good relationship with their father and his family.

MycatsaPirate · 14/04/2017 14:54

Clearly from all your posts it seems that you are angry, you are projecting your views and you are making no attempt to facilitate a relationship between the dc and their dad.

If you can't see this then you need to look hard at what you are meant to be doing as a parent.

Also money and contact are two completely separate issues.

The more I read, the more I think you are guilty of parental alienation and the Courts really do not like that. They will come down hard on you if you continue to withhold contact and you could even find yourself losing residency of the dc if you continue to obstruct the dc having a relationship with their dad.

Turn it around the other way. You had an affair, you left and got pregnant. Your ex refuses to let you see the dc for two years because you left and had a baby with someone else. You would be horrified, you'd say that you didn't leave the children, only him and you are still their mum. That is the position your ex is in and you are quite honestly behaving like a spoilt child.

Moussemoose · 14/04/2017 15:07

He was unfaithful to you. He left you. Own it and grow up.
Look out for your children allow them to have a loving relationship with as many people as theory can.

Poor little sods.

ems137 · 14/04/2017 15:17

I understand your hurt and bitterness towards your ex but you have to put all of that to one side and think of your children.

My kids have gone through a few different stages over the years of not wanting to go to their dads. I have always actively encouraged them going and have found ways of helping them feel more comfortable with the situation. Like, little and often contact to start with would probably be better and then build it up.

How would you feel if you had another child and your current kids refused to accept it? You wouldn't just go along with it would you? You'd do everything you could to make things right. It would be the same if you got a new partner.

relaxo · 14/04/2017 15:39

With regards to the kids being stressed about contact : In the aftermath orlfbex and I splitting (he left for OW), there was a lot of telling me what I wanted to hear and not telling me things that they thought might upset me. My kids offered to stay with me because I'd be alone and I had to joke about finally getting a lie in while secretly feeling gutted that I was losing time with them.

Her being OW, isn't a good enough reason to withhold contact. If she had been in prison for child abuse then nobody would blame you for stopping things but when your spouse cheats on you, the cheaters are dumping on your marriage and not the parent-kid relationship. If they didn't care about the kids then there wouldn't be any contact. That is how you need to think in order to co-parent until they are adults. Your kids are fantastic humans and in this time of instability, need their self-esteem built up. Mum and Dad don't love each other but they both love the kids. The kids will be used to the idea from the playground - A likes B and C but B and C don't get along.

It fucking hurts being left for a mistress but reminding yourself that he doesn't love you but loves the kids will hopefully mean that the pain stops with you rather than continuing into your kids generation.

My ex left for his mistress years ago and i feel angry sometimes. The positive love for my kids outweighs the negative feelings for ex and this is what I have focused on for the sake of my mental health.

DorotheaHomeAlone · 14/04/2017 18:57

relaxo That is a really great post and a very mature and generous stance. Your kids are very lucky.

confusionoftheillusion · 14/04/2017 22:00

This could have been written by my DPs ex....

Only despite her trying as hard as possible they would now rather be with us than her as she is so angry bitter and downright nasty that the kids hate the negativity....

Goosegettingfat · 14/04/2017 23:30

Op you're not getting this. Just because he was a shit husband, it doesn't make him a shit dad. And if he's not a shit dad, it's in your kids best interests to have a relationship with him and process their parents separation in a healthy manner. You're supposed to facilitate this.

Original poster
saoirse17 · 15/04/2017 12:31

Ok, seems like the general opinion is that they will need to see him all the times he asks for.

I've seen a few of you hinting that I would get 'flamed' in court? What does that mean? What happens in a court case like this? What can they do?

OP posts:
Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 15/04/2017 12:34

Worst case scenario is ex gets full custody if you aren't prepared to facilitate their relationship. .
Sorry but you asked. .
I have had this conversation with a barrister myself in the past. .

Original poster
saoirse17 · 15/04/2017 12:40

Could he be granted custody even if he doesn't ask for it?? As far as I understood from his email he's just planning to get the contact that was in the original parenting plan.

OP posts:
MrsBertBibby · 15/04/2017 12:47

Yes, he could.

Sometimes the resident parent's capacity to make contact unworkable can only be countered by a change in residence, and severely curtailed contact to the erstwhile resident parent, so that the children can rebuild their relationship with the excluded parent free from the other parent's malign influence.

Original poster
saoirse17 · 15/04/2017 12:54

And this could happen just from him filing the application for child arrangements?

OP posts:
Lunalovepud · 15/04/2017 12:56

I'm not sure you are making yourself clear here but the impression I get is that you have done absolutely nothing to try to facilitate or repair a relationship between your children and their father.

It reads like you are pleased that they don't see him or like his new partner /child and you are happy to encourage keep the division.

If this is the case, you are massively selfish.

I would also encourage you to make a the most of this time you have with your children now - as the child of a very similar situation, I and my siblings have had /continue to have periods of estrangement from our mother to this day because of the way she behaved towards our father in our childhood. They'll soon be older enough to see the situation clearly for themselves.

louisejxxx · 15/04/2017 13:05

Sorry OP, but they are children and therefore it is on you to act in their best interests. You keep saying about them being your children but they are your ex's too and he has the right to a relationship with them. The more you allow them to not go and agree with them for not wanting to, the worse damage YOU do to their relationship with him. They will get over the damage he caused in time but not if you just allow them to never see him again and work through their issues with him.

I'm afraid the court will have no sympathy with anything you've said here and will enforce your ex's requests to see the kids when he is entitled to.

VimFuego101 · 15/04/2017 13:08

It sounds like he's got fairly limited time already with the children so I'm not surprised he's trying to enforce it. It sounds like your children need some help processing everything and handling their resentment towards their sibling and his gf. Courts do not look kindly on parents who involve their children in the ins and outs of their separation and alienate them from the other parent. Child maintenance is an entirely separate matter and will not factor in to whether the time he is supposed to have with the children is increases, you should not even be discussing it with your children.