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Original poster

Ex's contact with children

131 replies

saoirse17 · 14/04/2017 12:47

My ex has apparently sent in an application to court regarding his contact with the children. I don't know more than that he's sent me an email saying this.

We did have parenting plan that we both signed after the separation but the children really don't want to see their dad for all that time and I can't force them to do anything against their wishes. Which has resulted in him losing out on some of the time that was in that plan.

Every time he sees the children they always seem to have a fight and they're always upset both before and after he's seen them. I really don't think it's in their best interest.

He has also had a new child, the children don't want to see her, or his new partner. So far he made them see the new partner once, 2 years ago, which was a horrible experience for the children. Can he make them see the partner and new child?

Would the court make the children see him if they say they don't want to?

He wants to make out I'm stopping it but I've never stopped anything. It's totally their own opinions. And I won't force them.

Anyone that can give me any guidance?

OP posts:
DontGiveAFlying · 14/04/2017 13:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StrawberryJelly00 · 14/04/2017 13:28

Op I work in family courts reguarly - prepared to be flamed in there!

The court will most likely increase contact and its very obvious you have projected your own feelings onto your children - not cool

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 14/04/2017 13:31

Unfortunately op the judge will throw the book at you.

The dc shouldn't know the ins and outs of your divorce.
The dc should be encouraged to maintain a relationship with df unless he has a criminal record against them.
The dc should be encouraged to form a relationship with their sibling.
Your exh is entitled to be able to encourage a relationship between his new dw and his dc.
You are the adult and unfortunately have to dictate whats best for your dc at their age (not the 14yo)not let them decide.
Good luck in court as I fear you will need it.

childmaintenanceserviceinquiry · 14/04/2017 13:31

you can help the children not overhearing things. For years I had to speak my solicitor when my child was out of the house or outside playing with friends. She would call me late in the evening if need be to ensure that DC didnt hear. Ex tried to state in court papers that I had spoken about things in front of DC and my solicitor made a statement stating how careful I had always been from the beginning.

I was always careful not to badmouth ex to my DC. Yes occasionally I slipped up. I then always apologised to the child and used it as an opportunity to talk about relationships, friendships etc which helped them understand that we dont all have to have the same relationship.

I am going to echo pps - with your attitude and the current prevailing wind in the family courts in the UK you will be absolutely flamed by a judge for your attitude. I think consequences could be quite severe. You need to start adjusting and very quickly. Perhaps try mediation- - the court will expect it anyway.

Original poster
saoirse17 · 14/04/2017 13:33

Hm, doesn't seem like I'm making myself very clear, sorry about that.

I think the children are still very angry with him for leaving. As well as also feeling they are replaced by this new child. Plus the things they have experienced during the divorce.

The ex has just announced that he can afford to pay child or spousal maintenance any more so I expect more tough times ahead.

OP posts:
NabobsFromNobHill · 14/04/2017 13:36

I think the children are still very angry with him for leaving. As well as also feeling they are replaced by this new child

More like you are still very angry, and you feel like they have been replaced, and you have projected that to them.

relaxo · 14/04/2017 13:37

It's not acceptable that he's not going to pay child maintenance. Go to CMS if he stops. Spousal is a court issue.

My kids know that ex left me not them btw. If he left them then there'd be no contact attempt.

Moussemoose · 14/04/2017 13:38

You have a 7 year old who is angry with a baby?

Those children have some big issues you really need to be working on.

Moussemoose · 14/04/2017 13:39

relaxo excellent point.

He left you not them. Have you told them that?

thebakerwithboobs · 14/04/2017 13:40

You are making yourself clear, OP, but you're not accepting your own accountability. What is your response to their anger at him leaving? Agreement? Or an explanation that they remain loved and cherished by their father, that they have a home with him whenever they stay, that love is not finite? You should be completely instrumental in helping your children to maintain their relationship with their father but being passive in their rejection of him and then sitting back, holding your hands up and saying 'nothing to do with me, gov!' is manipulative in the extreme. You may feel at the moment that you have retained a loving relationship with your children (and possibly enjoy the status of 'number one parent') but always remember that you will have to justify your lack of encouragement to them as adults.

prh47bridge · 14/04/2017 13:42

I've heard that they court will rule after the children's wishes. Is that not true

The court will want to know the children's wishes. However, that is not the same as saying the court will follow their wishes. It is unlikely the court would regard the wishes of your 7yo and 10yo as decisive. Your 14yo is old enough to mean their wishes would normally be decisive. However, if the court believes that you have turned your 14yo against your ex they may force contact anyway.

You will not be punished directly for failure to maintain contact since it appears there are no court orders in place currently but it is likely that any order your ex gets will come with a warning notice telling you the consequences of failing to follow the order. If you do not ensure that your children attend contact regardless of their wishes you could then be penalised.

I'm afraid I agree with others. I think your children are telling you what they think you want to hear. Your negative attitude to your ex, his new partner and new child have influenced them. If you go to court and say the things you have said on this thread it will not go well for you.

feathermucker · 14/04/2017 13:44

It does sound like you've projected your feelings onto them.

Original poster
saoirse17 · 14/04/2017 13:44

Well yes, the 7yo also feels angry.

He has applied to the CMS and they've said he gets the nil rate. I'm not sure how he got away with that.

OP posts:
thebakerwithboobs · 14/04/2017 13:47

Your seven year old is angry. You are his mother. Help your seven year old. Counsel him. Advise him. Reassure him. Help him have a loving relationship with his father. It's your job.

Moussemoose · 14/04/2017 13:50

Your 7 year old is angry with a baby - that is really, really not a good situation.

confusionoftheillusion · 14/04/2017 13:53

Those poor kids with a projecting mother

NabobsFromNobHill · 14/04/2017 13:56

Well yes, the 7yo also feels angry

And what are you doing to help him stop being angry? Not much from the sound of it.

Original poster
saoirse17 · 14/04/2017 14:01

The older two have been to counselling but they still feel they way they do.

I can't believe I shall be punished for just looking out for my children?

They do get very stressed every time they are about the see their dad.

OP posts:
thebakerwithboobs · 14/04/2017 14:06

OP until you accept that you are doing the complete opposite of looking out for your children, there is no advice or guidance that can be given. It is perfectly possible for children to come through the most difficult of break ups and retain lovely relationships with both parents-I'm a head teacher and see some wonderful examples of well blended families-but these are always, always led by parents who put their children's needs above their own from the outset. You, very clearly, have not done this and have no intention of doing so. Terribly sad for your children.

DontGiveAFlying · 14/04/2017 14:10

I can't believe I shall be punished for just looking out for my children?

In what way are you looking out for them though, be honest

StewieGMum · 14/04/2017 14:15

Why are the children? Was he abusive? Did he leave due to an affair? Is he ignoring them on access? You need to be clear why they are angry. It's completely normal for children to be upset or angry after a separation. Helping the process those feelings is the responsibility of you and their father.

Getting the children to see a neutral counsellor who can help them understand why they are angry or why they don't want to see their father is essential. Angry at their father leaving isn't enough to prevent contact. Nor is a new sibling unless it is clear the new sibling is the favourite child. They can't know that if they've never met the baby.

This could be a very costly court case that you will lose unless you can establish that the children are exposed to abuse by their father or stepmother.

He absolutely doesn't get out of paying child maintenance. Phone them and make sure they know his income. If he pays spousal maintenance, then you need to review the court documents as to whether or not he's legally allowed to stop paying. If he isn't, take him to court.

confusionoftheillusion · 14/04/2017 14:20

Op - counselling will do fuck all if their mum isn't positive about their new sibling, dad etx

Original poster
saoirse17 · 14/04/2017 14:23

@StewieGMum

He was not abusive, but he did meet his new partner while we were still married. Would be seen as a valid reason for the children to not see him or her?

I don't think she can qualify as abusive as they've only seen her once but they certainly didn't like her.

About the maintenance, he has applied to CMS and they have evaluated that he doesn't need to pay. The spousal he has actually applied to court to have that varied as he claims he doesn't have any income. I don't know whether that is true or not.

OP posts:
NabobsFromNobHill · 14/04/2017 14:29

Would be seen as a valid reason for the children to not see him or her?

Of course not, what planet are you on? What are you talking about, you being punished? Its your children being punished, by you!

DontGiveAFlying · 14/04/2017 14:31

He was not abusive, but he did meet his new partner while we were still married. Would be seen as a valid reason for the children to not see him or her?

You would get laughed out of court if asked that I'm afraid.

Cheating on YOU should not prevent him from having contact with THEM

You need to learn to separate the too. And learn a bit more about the family court system