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Original poster

Paternity - UPDATE what now?

60 replies

tiger14 · 01/02/2017 08:30

Hi, I posted recently on here about getting a dna test done as a woman had (completely out of the blue) contacted my husband and said he was the father to her 11 year old daughter. If you remember she was blackmailed him and stuff and then sent me a nasty message. Anyway in the email I sent requesting a dna test and saying she had to find money for it, I told her he doesn't remember being with her (he was drunk but has blocked a lot out from this time due to quite severe depression) this morning I've received the following email from her.

Well, if he doesn't remember then I must have mistaken him with somebody else. I'm terribly sorry for my mistake and will not bother you or your family again. Please accept my sincere apologies.

I will be deleting this email account so can assure you that you will receive no further correspondence from me. I hope you and your family enjoy a long and delightful life.

Goodbye.

I just want to know what people think I should do? Leave it, answer it and if so what do I say? I just feel she's just 'throwing her toys out of the pram' as she hasn't got the response she wanted.

OP posts:
Original poster
tiger14 · 03/02/2017 00:02

Well things have progressed, after 4 emails protesting she isn't communicating any more and one saying you wouldn't just send your child's birth certificate to just anyone.... she has sent a photo of the birth certificate, well the child name and date of birth. She has missed off the rest of it. So again I have asked her for a photo showing the full piece of paper and a dna test..... now a waiting game again......

OP posts:
HecateAntaia · 03/02/2017 07:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Evergreen777 · 03/02/2017 07:46

Wouldn't send a birth certificate to "just anyone" Hmm Your DH is not "anyone" He's the man she'll alleging is the father of her child! If a test proves she's right, he'll be applying for access visits, and getting to know the child won't he? She really doesn't sound like she's thinking that's going to happen....

Buscake · 03/02/2017 09:37

You can order a birth certificate online

Fidelia · 03/02/2017 09:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Evergreen777 · 03/02/2017 10:02

You'd need to know where the birth certificate was issued to get a copy. But she's definitely trying to hide something if she didn't send you a full copy!

Fidelia · 03/02/2017 11:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RebootYourEngine · 03/02/2017 12:43

Still sounds like a scam to me.

Why has she contacted you if she doesnt want either money or contact for her child. Does she not realise that to get either she needs to prove that your dh is the childs father. Only an idiot would hand over money or start contact with a child before a dna test.

Original poster
tiger14 · 03/02/2017 20:11

Yes he is OK with contact and maintenance with child if it's his.... the photo shows the town of birth, date and place of birth and child's name. That is it, doesn't show the box with fathers name!! I received about three emails last night, she said she wasn't sending anymore as there was no legal right for her to produce a birth certificate. I kept repeating about dna test. Each email she sends she says she won't be in contact again! Then the last one that came early hours of this morning says I need to leave her alone as my emails could be classed as harrassment!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't know how she has the nerve!

OP posts:
InfinityPlusOne · 03/02/2017 20:46

Tiger write one further email - say that your husband is willing to pay appropriate maintenance and will want contact with the child once he is sure that the child is his, which he can only establish through a DNA test. Say that this will be your last email on the matter until she confirms she will go ahead with the test. Don't contact her again until she agrees to it. If this is a scam she will refuse a DNA test and you shouldn't keep engaging with her and feeding her drama.

InfinityPlusOne · 03/02/2017 20:48

Also mention that you have no intention of harassing her, that she contacted you in the first place to raise this issue and once DNA test is agreed to you can go from there. Leave it at that then and step back from the emails.

Original poster
tiger14 · 03/02/2017 21:22

And then just ignore anymore that she sends do you think? Unless she agrees to dna test?

OP posts:
VocalDuck · 03/02/2017 21:30

I would just ignore her now and every time she emails just send an identical, brief reply asking for a DNA test.

Children have to be registered in the area they are born in, so you will be able to order a copy of the full birth certificate if you want to. If the place was a hospital, just give them a call and check which Register Office deals with births.

HecateAntaia · 03/02/2017 21:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
tiger14 · 03/02/2017 22:07

I assume they charge for copies of birth certificate? Does anyone know how much? Thanks everyone

OP posts:
InfinityPlusOne · 03/02/2017 22:39

Yes one clear message setting out what your husband is willing to do once DNA test proves he is the father. That you are not harassing her as she made initial contact and you wanted to be sure of the exact situation but you won't be replying again until she agrees to the DNA test. Then once that is sent do not reply again until she agrees to make arrangements for the test.

SocksRock · 03/02/2017 22:40

It's about £15 online I think. We had to get a copy of my husbands once.

TeaCakeLiterature · 03/02/2017 22:51

Agree with previous posters - simple email back explaining that this will be your last email, you've kindly and respectfully asked for a DNA test to clarify whether this claim is accurate and if it is then your husband would be happy paying maintenance and starting to become the child's father through visits etc. As she has not been forthcoming in agreeing to this reasonable request you will not email her again unless she accepts.

Original poster
tiger14 · 03/02/2017 22:56

Thanks all

OP posts:
Original poster
tiger14 · 04/02/2017 11:28

I'm sorry I'm on again. I did what was suggested and said about the dna test. She has answered (during the night again) and is now saying horrible things, she says it happened twice, that she told him at the time she was pregnant and he said he didn't want anything to do with it. Then she says that he contacted her when the daughter was 4. And then that she didn't blackmail him just asked if I knew. That she said she wanted another child and asked him if he would father it so they had the same dad and apparently he siad he'd think about it, that my dh didn't know she was only joking. She says he blatantly does remember it. That she will do a dna test but she can't because she can't afford it and doesn't see why we want one if my dh is saying he doesn't remember it.
I am so upset, I don't know what to do know. Is she telling the truth and my dh lying? Or is she just ring to hurt me, hurt us. Shaking as I write this....

OP posts:
VivienneWestwoodsKnickers · 04/02/2017 11:33

You need to speak to your DH, this is his problem too. Don't take all this in your own shoulders. Share the burden.

Does he know what the email correspondence has been saying? What does he say to this latest email?

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 04/02/2017 11:33

I am so upset, I don't know what to do know. Is she telling the truth and my dh lying? Or is she just ring to hurt me, hurt us. Shaking as I write this

Please don't let her get to you.

Just keep the DNA line each time and bat it back.

She says she can't afford a DNA test, you have said you will pay for it.

Balls in her court until she does it.

Evergreen777 · 04/02/2017 11:42

Is there any way of offering to pay for a DNA test, but making sure that you pay the money direct to the people offering the test? That way, she's got nothing to gain by going through with it if it's a load of bollocks - you're not going to feel that she scammed you even if it comes back negative?

But I agree with the pp that your DH should be taking the lead here - forgetting a one night stand sounds plausible, but having met with the woman when the DC was 4, known it was his, (met the child?), and had discussions about her having another one? There's no way that's true unless he remembers it.

It's a bit odd she does all this in the middle of the night - where's she saying she lives? Is her English good, or does it read as if it weren't her first language? Could suggest she's a scammer from some other part of the world.

If she's genuine, why wouldn't she agree to meet with your DH (and you), discuss getting a test done and then you can pay for the test direct. I think if you hand over money for her to "pay" for a test, that'll be the last you hear of her. She's already made it clear she's not contacting you from her normal email address, but has presumably got herself a special email address that she's happy to terminate in order to cut contact.

Must be horribly stressful wondering whether there is a truth in it all - but handing her money won't enable you to find out, only going direct to a proper company that does tests, to make sure she does the test on her DC, and you get to find out the result.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 04/02/2017 11:45

If some woman alleged my husband had fathered a child with her and he "couldn't remember" I would pay for a DNA test. I wouldn't give the woman the money but I would pay for the test by a reputable clinic once birth certificate had been produced.

But then it wouldn't be me dealing with it at all. It would be my husband with my support or not depending on what he said

SarahM24 · 04/02/2017 11:55

Pay for the dna test straight to the company on the basis that this could well be your husbands daughter and emails back and forth and round in circles is getting you all nowhere. Get to the truth as quick as possible and then you can deal with the outcome

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