Contact/child arrangements order

[kittybiscuits]

Hi

Contact has been fraught for 18 months since separation. I have advised my ex via emails of upset and distress he has caused to the children on many occasions . He doesn't respond. He has a lot of issues. He has previously threatened to file to court for CAO but they were empty threats. No overnight contact for more than a year. Younger child is 12.5 and recently told him to his face that she was very angry and upset with him and due to his response she told him she does not want to see him any more.

He has appointed a FFJ type 'just for men' solicitor saying he will file to court if I do not agree to a long list of demands including overnight contact every other weekend, holidays abroad etc. Older child is 18 so can make their own mind up and has very occasional brief contact. He has given 14 days for me to agree with his terms or he will file.

I have booked to see my solicitor. But I am seeking a view on whether the court will force contact on a bright articulate child who is 12 years and 8 months. His solicitor claims he has no idea why contact has stopped and does not believe it is the child's wishes. Even though she told him to his face.

Thanks in advance if anyone can offer a view on the range of possible outcomes. There are good reasons why contact has diminished and now stopped.

It sounds like you know him. He is exactly that.

The only flaw in your approach is that things are so far down the line with my DD that she really does mean it that she is done with him. But she may understand that it's better to offer a little than face court.

Thank you so much.

Well writing to and fro with his solicitor will bide you time anyway.

As soon as he finds out that you can ask for evidence that he hasn't used drugs for x months (hair samples I believe) well that will buy your DD time won't it...

Just write it from your DD''s perspective.

DD doesn't want to spend time with you when you have been drinking or will start drinking because..

DD doesn't want to spend time with you when you have been smoking weed/snorting coke because...

Perhaps when you can demonstrate that you are clean DD will be willing to start building a relationship with you, perhaps you could start with lunch on alternate Saturdays for 4 months and then increase to day visits?

If you are being so incredibly reason what pathetic arguments can he use back that cafcass and the courts would 100% agree with.

Suggest family mediation (that he pays for) for him to understand DDs stance that she is done with him and work out ways for him to rebuild it with her.

It sounds like he just wants to through his weight around and win, he wants you to go back all guns blazing so he can batter you because he has more £

Was he controlling at all, sadly so many of them around, meanwhile other non-resident parents who are fab and genuinely love their kids are victims of parental alienation. I think extensive personality testing should be compulsory for all parents engaged in contact & residency negotiations!!!

He is highly controlling. I will mull over what you have said and respond tomorrow. There are some difficulties with mediation. But you have the measure of him and the situation. Thank you.

I suppose I would remember this:

You don't need a solicitor to write to his, you can do that yourself, save your £ for if it goes to court.

You then have a paper trail stating that your DD is hostile to contact "When DD said on x that "she was done with you" she meant it. I have spoken to her a few times to and she is clear that she does not wish to see you.

Paper trail of the WHY your DD does not want to see him

Paper trail of asking him to attend family therapy (do your research regarding how much protection DD will get from a therapist - ie it should be individual therapy)

Paper trail of YOUR concerns - re his drug use, his inappropriate conduct to DD1

Paper trail of YOUR suggestion as to how to restart contact - starting off slowly to build up as DD is ready

Don't rush to reply, he has said 14 days so just ensure your response is with his solicitor before that (day 12 to be sure?). This will draw out negotiations hopefully and delay it going to court. All the time your DD is getting older, not being forced to have contact, there is a bigger lapse since she had contact.

What I have said you should suggest above would be "usual" for re-establishing contact - him proving to be drug free, at a neutral place (guess she is too old for a contact centre but you could stipulate that too ), and to build up contact slowly...

This is all a paper trail that you are merely supporting your DD and in principle are happy to work with her to reinstate contact.

In the meantime hope he gets bored especially if his solicitor explains that he may well have to do some of what you have suggested... will he really bother to jump through hoops to see DD?

Thanks Random for your wisdom. When you say 'family therapy' with individual therapy for my DD - could you please elaborate a bit more? He has form for manipulating therapists. As my DD put it herself 'he is a very persuasive person'. But I think overall the approach you are suggesting is excellent. He is very self-centred and unlikely to put himself out much. But there would be some steps he could take if he was sufficiently motivated to work on the situation . (He won't)

He came at me with a different solicitor less than a year ago saying I was obstructing contact. My solicitor advised a very brief response bullet-pointing serious concerns. We attended one session of shuttle mediation where he presented the same list of demands he has presented now via this new solicitor. I did not agree to them and he said he would file to court immediately. The mediator let me out and said she would keep him talking for as long as possible to allow me to get away. He never filed and I didn't hear another word from the solicitor.

It's power play. He's also trying to persuade Child Maintenance of a big reduction in salary.

Unfortunately for him many of the things he has done are documented. Ultimately if he would sober up and take a look at himself he has two wonderful children who would probably be willing to forgive his awful behaviour.

Sounds like you just go back to shuttle mediation as a suggestion. I'm not sure what the courts could suggestion but they will want evidence that mediation has been tried. I'm sure it will be groundhog day!! Then the demands go away for 12 months until he gets arsy again...