any advice? stbx was secretly recording me during our conversation/row

[todayiamfat]

Any legal advice please? I spent 30mins in a queue on the phone to the cab yesterday and call got cut off. Waiting for a colleague to pass on some recommendations for solicitors.

H walked out on my a 2 dc at end of august. Later found out he had been having an EA with a mutual friend.

We have spent last 3 months being civil and having a routine set up for the dc. He see them a lot-daily. But that is because i would struggle to cope around my full time hours and the fact youngest dc is only 20mths and has ongoing medical issues (possible cf) after being born at 29 weeks.

We have a row usually every 3 or 4 weeks. Usually after i find out he has been decieving me. OW has a dc of same age as our eldest and i feel he is putting her dc before ours at various times. I have refused OW and access to our dc. I yhink she is an awful mother (doesn't strap her dc into car at age 5! Allows my stbx to stay over after only a few months of kicking her dc's father out. The list goes on).

Anyway.
on Saturday he came over as agreed. I thought it was strange that he kept trying to pick a fight by bringing things up about his new relationship. He then announced for the first time that he has been sleeping with her all along.
i got angry. Tried to get him out of house etc.

He then announces that i need to be careful as he is recording me and shows me his phone.
we have a big row during which he keeps saying that i am unstable and going to hurt rhe dc. At one point he even start screaming that i am hurting the dc. They weren't even in the room! It takes me over an hour to get him to delete it.

So what do i do? Legally? Do i have to keep him having access/contact like before? Friends are advising i change the locks etc and allow him not contact. But i am scared he has a plan and that if i do anything that will go against me legally, he will have more ammunition as it were.

I dont understand his motivation for this. He says it is because he is worried about the way i lose my temper in front of kids. But i feel he deliberately set me up. He pressed record before he came in the house and the goaded me into a row.

Sorry. Very long. Thanks if you are still reading.

What you have been through is horrendous OP. Your ex has treated you terribly, he has destroyed your trust, your marriage, your family unit and your support network. You have had to deal with that while dealing with a sick child. I cannot imagine how hard the last months must have been.

The horrid truth is that he is going to make it worse. His attempt to record you shows that he intends to play dirty. Do not trust a word he says: he wants custody and he wants everyone to think you are a terrible mother. There is no other reason to try and portray you as violent and unstable.

So you must play smart. You really must. Get counselling and rant and vent there. Do not rant and vent to anyone else who might later be called to support his assertions that you are unstable. Challenge yourself to be the perfect ex, calm, reasonable, disengaged. That is how you need to be to win.

If the OW is as awful as you fear then that relationship will crash and burn. She will leave your life and the lives of your children but your lying, manipulative ex will remain in your lives so concentrate on how to handle him and not her. Do not obsess about whether she sees your girls, she might and that is crap but there is nothing you can do to stop it and you have enough on your plate without wasting energy on that.

You must control your tempter, not because you don't have a right to be furious but because he plans to use your temper against you. Also it must be exceedingly hard for your children to hear their parents fight so for their sake try and keep calm.

Good luck with the divorce and with getting through the coming months, continue to be strong but also be calm. Try and imagine there is a camera on you at all times. Only behave as you would like the court to see you behave.

Finally I am afraid you should assume that the recording he made was not permanetly deleted. He may have drop box or he may have had a moment to e-mail it to himself before deleting. This is why you must never, ever let yourself lose control in front of him again. Be an ice queen.

I am so sorry you have been treated this way.

28 Thank you .

You are not the first to say about drop box and i do know he has it. Is there anyway i can find out? (I do have access to his phone briefly-long story and i haven't chosen to snoop since his first revelation).

To be fair. I haven't ranted to anyone in real life. The way you have heard me on here was my way to rant .

Thank you to everyone that has messaged me kind words of support. Lots and lots of to you all. This thread really got to me this week.

Ice queen it it! I decorated my classroom accordingly today. Elsa would be proud