any advice? stbx was secretly recording me during our conversation/row

[todayiamfat]

Any legal advice please? I spent 30mins in a queue on the phone to the cab yesterday and call got cut off. Waiting for a colleague to pass on some recommendations for solicitors.

H walked out on my a 2 dc at end of august. Later found out he had been having an EA with a mutual friend.

We have spent last 3 months being civil and having a routine set up for the dc. He see them a lot-daily. But that is because i would struggle to cope around my full time hours and the fact youngest dc is only 20mths and has ongoing medical issues (possible cf) after being born at 29 weeks.

We have a row usually every 3 or 4 weeks. Usually after i find out he has been decieving me. OW has a dc of same age as our eldest and i feel he is putting her dc before ours at various times. I have refused OW and access to our dc. I yhink she is an awful mother (doesn't strap her dc into car at age 5! Allows my stbx to stay over after only a few months of kicking her dc's father out. The list goes on).

Anyway.
on Saturday he came over as agreed. I thought it was strange that he kept trying to pick a fight by bringing things up about his new relationship. He then announced for the first time that he has been sleeping with her all along.
i got angry. Tried to get him out of house etc.

He then announces that i need to be careful as he is recording me and shows me his phone.
we have a big row during which he keeps saying that i am unstable and going to hurt rhe dc. At one point he even start screaming that i am hurting the dc. They weren't even in the room! It takes me over an hour to get him to delete it.

So what do i do? Legally? Do i have to keep him having access/contact like before? Friends are advising i change the locks etc and allow him not contact. But i am scared he has a plan and that if i do anything that will go against me legally, he will have more ammunition as it were.

I dont understand his motivation for this. He says it is because he is worried about the way i lose my temper in front of kids. But i feel he deliberately set me up. He pressed record before he came in the house and the goaded me into a row.

Sorry. Very long. Thanks if you are still reading.

If you know 100% and have proof that she is endangering your children, then you need to report that to the relevant authorities.

You sound (justifiably) very very angry - but if you continue to show that anger to him you are playing clean into his hands.

Honestly I have seen people slated on this site. I don't see that in your posts but people will not agree with you on here because you are a woman

While he might not of been a great husband I have read nothing to suggest that he is not a good Dad..These are really separate issues.

I am sorry but I also think your anger is directed at the wrong person. I have been cheated on and the person I was angry with was the person I was supposed to marry. My reason, he made a commitment to me not the woman who picked him up.

It does sound to me like you need to be having less contact together. If he is in your house daily when do you get to move on.

You need to put this from your head.

You have no right to stop him from having the children around her. Much as it stings that is the case.

If you truly believe she is a danger to them then you need to report it to the authorities and see a solicitor.

If you think he is endangering them in any way, report it.

Is there any chance at all, and I am NOT defending him, that he is genuinely concerned? Have you found yourself shouting at the dc a lot? With the stress etc.?

Because, it's likely that he's just being a knob but if he's not, and he reports any concerns he might have, you need to be prepared for that.

I'm sorry that you have to work with him and see him daily, of course that will be hard and make it that much more difficult to 'move on'.

It's only been three months. Give it time. You're doing great, I'm sure

Now i can see what you are saying. I am extremely angry and i do blame her more than him. I know that that is not right. But i see it that he had been through a stroke, his mum died and his dd nearly did. All in the space of a couple of years.

I know he chose to do what he did. He is the one that made that decision. But i feel very strongly that if she had never been in our lives than he wouldn't have left.

She used to go to coffee with me and ask about him! She would listen to me tell about how awful the last 2 years had been. All the time whilst having an EA. Her own stbx doesn't even know. Her own family don't know. I'm picking up the pieces of a shattered family whilst she is shagging my H.

I don't know how to not have his help. The dc are incredibly tough. The youngest is in and out of hospital and still undergoing tests. She has various appts every month. I work full time and am really struggling. My family are too far away (they live in the same town as OW and now very soon stbx) and i don't feel able to move over there.
My friends are all lovely but all going through their own problems at the moment.

But i do see your point. But when i say this to him, he takes that that i am refusing him access.

OK - lets see if we can work a plan out for you.

Have you seen a solicitor since he left?

What exactly does he help you with? By that I mean - can you tell us what he does in the mornings? How does it play out?

BTW - I've just advanced searched on here and seen loads of threads advising women to record their partners to have a record of them being angry. So someone may have told him to do that.

There are things you can't do, things the law won't give a shit about - that's not slating you by the way, it's just how it is. And there's no point in letting you believe you can do stuff that you can't.

You really should get to a solicitor. ASAP. Most do a half hour free consultation - can you take advantage of that? if I was enough of a bitch I'd take half an hour from all the local ones then he can't use them

Thanks, Frau.

I haven't seen a solicitor yet. It made it seem more final iyswim. But since the weekend i know i must do. A colleague is a divorce solicitor herself and tomorrow I'm hoping to ask for some recommendations. I am so worried about the cost of solicitors.

He helps get them ready and ships one of them off to school or nursery and i take the other. I have tried a couple of times to do it on my own and i have ended up late to work. As a teacher, this isn't flexible. The problem is, the wrap around childcare and nursery etc both open at the same time, so going earlier isn't an option.
Plus the dc are quite difficult in the mornings. The eldest is not a morning person and the youngest requires quite a bit of help with feeding and medicines. She is under a strict diet and i need to try and get a certain amount down her before we leave. I rarely manage it now.

I know in theory i could reorganise things. Or get him to just collect one and take her. But that still leaves me with all the stress. He is here about 15mins and we are normally so busy we don't really interact. Not on purpose as such, just manically rushing. I get up at 6 as it is. Not sure i can cope with earlier!

and i like the advice about using all the solicitors. He always knows someone though. Do they all do 30mins free? I didn't find much about the local ones on their websites.

You will right now feel you can't do it with no sleep. Let me reassure you that you can. I am a single parents with no involvement from Dad. I have friends who say I couldn't do what you do..What else am I going to do ? someone has to do it. I can remember when my ex left I spent 4 hours mending a baby gym. I remember thinking I wish I made an easier point. However you do just find a new way of juggling things, the same as it changes when you have one to two. What do you think you can't manage to do on your own? I understand the hosp appointments are hard but if he is going to it doesn't make it easier for you.

I agree with the poster get your half hour legal advise. But prioritise what you need to know.. Don't use his as a counsellor. Get to know your legal rights.

WRT seeing a solicitor ...

Would you take the dirty skanky ballbag back if he came crawling through broken glass?

Thought not , so you need to direct that anger of yours into making this new normal work.

Ring the solicitors locally and find out if they do half an hour - if they do, take it. Before you go in, gather up all the info you need to know - you have half an hour, use it as best you can.

Will read the rest of your answers and reply in a bit

?

And yes. I do have a temper. It boils over quickly but i have a viscous tongue as you may have noticed!

I just find it so underhand that he would deliberatly make me angry to record it. And it was after he had told me what he was doing that i lost it! And even then i just wouldn't allow him to leave until he had deleted it. I wasn't screaming and ranting. Just not backing down.

The answer is to hand over on the doorstep. All communication by email/text.

I had to do that with my ex (for different reasons - long story) but it actually works very well.

I will take the !

starlight i do ok with the bigger stuff. I went out in the dark last night and put up xmas lights outside because dd1 asked her dad every year to do it and he never did.
It's the everyday things. Whilst i was cooking dinner tonight, my yougest drew all over the freshly painted walls, doors and tv. And her sister gave her the pen!

I feel overwhelmed if I'm honest. And i can't see a way out of it without his help. He doesn't help in the evenings. Just those 15 mins in the morning. I think i wouldn't get out of the house without it. I sometimes arrive at work frazzled amd worn out as it is.
Next week i have surgery on my toe, and 2 hospital appts for dc. I'm feeling done in. And I'm trying to keep it together for the run up to xmas. We had been planning to do bits together for the dc. Is this wrong? A bad idea?

I don't think it's a bad idea for their sakes. Yours? I'm not so sure.

You're allowed to think about yourself, you know.

Your whole life has changed and nobody consulted you about it. It just happened!

If doing things together is good for you, then do it.

But honestly; I think you should start distancing yourself from him as much as you can.

Thanks, Walter.

I think that is what i am finding hard. I almost forget sometimes what's happened. 17 years we were together. When i see something i know he will like, i go to buy it. Or i find myself making twice as much food etc. I miss our chats. I miss our little family.

I want to do what's best for the dc. The eldest it really struggling. She lost her very close DGM last year, just after her sister spent 2 months in hospital (so i wasn't around much). She then is having to deal with this. I also think she had seen them together before their admitting it all. She came out with all sorts of stuff the weeks following him leaving.

I want her to be happy. I will be happy if she is.

I have also seen my sister and her ex get very competitive and nasty over things like presents etc. (No 3rd person involved) I don't want that at all.

Thank you. You've given me lots to contemplate over my . I am not ready for her to be in their lives. So as long as he agrees to this i will be happy. I think he wont push this for a while. kind of hoping it is all over before it gets to that

I apologise if i offended anyone with my rants about OW and her alleged abuse. I have worked with children who are victims and i wasn't aiming my anger at that. I find it odd that you would use your abuse to your advantage though . I am very very sceptical and so far been right about everything concerning it all.

Good night, ladies. 3 days of no sleep so am off to bed

Nobody should be offended by your posts. You're trying to deal with a fucking train wreck here!

Be kind to yourself. Your dd will get through this, trust me. I know it's hard. I know. But don't sacrifice yourself, your mental health.

She will be happy if you are, I promise.

Get some sleep! And post as much and as often as you like.

Your whole life has changed and nobody consulted you about it. It just happened!
This

Now it is your turn to get some control. If you can handle them then do some together..However make sure you start some of your own stuff. THe bit about your DC couldn't do it because OW children were is crap ..Let your kids do what they want..

You might need to do some stuff on a night like have clothes laid out, bags in the hall, packed lunch made and in fridge if needed. Cerals in bowsl covered so they dont go stale, tea bag in cup ( for you obviously). I personally find getting me dressed and breakfast on table before I wake son seems to work better for no reason I can verbalise but it makes the morning flow easier.

How old are your children? Can they do anything useful. I did a reward chart for my DS once for getting ready in a morning. I saw something on supernanny a tick chart where the children ticked off each job. I have also done timings for world records ( which strangely haven't got a mention in the Guinness book of records) .. MY friend has 3 and will dress the youngest despite been capable as she just finds it works much better.

Try things some will work and some won't.

Also it is ok and sit down with some house rules...You might need to do some pictures depending on the age of your children

Hope you manage to get some sleep tonight

The trouble is the thread almost tends to suggest the children should live with their father perhaps more than the mother - people reading it objectively so you need to ensure that impression is never given to anyone else.
Obviously he is the villain morally though. People who love an ex husband always blame the other woman but in fact it is their beloved man who has chosen to destroy his family.

Anyway the issues to sort out are dividing the assets/seeing a solicitor and getting finality on the finances ni a divorce consent order once you reach agreement with your ex and secondly making sure you only communicate with him by email and hand over the children without him coming into the house.

I don't think there's been anything to suggest that the children should live with their father!

Jeez. Thank for that green.

So glad i stopped to look back on this thread tonight. ... I won't even warrent your post with a comment.

Thanks, Walter

I don't understand Greens post either.

I do.

Not saying I agree but what Green is saying is that the OP (sorry today please don't take this the wrong way!) can't cope in the mornings with her kids, needs help at a high level from her ex and is shouty and angry and it could be made to look, by the ex's solicitor, that the kids would be best with him - esp in a 50/50 both parents working scenario.

Oh, honey.

Your life is in shambles right now, you're concerned about DD1s happiness and DD2s health, he's painting himself as the victim, and he's goaded you into an argument to record you. Anyone would be furious.

I know it feels like you can't cope, but I know you can. If he suddenly dropped dead, you'd have found a way to carry on. Because you are strong and a good and loving mum. It's all very fresh but there is light at the end of the tunnel, I promise.

The main thing to remember is that you now know that his recording you is a real possibility. Treat any conversation with him (in person or by phone) as if it were being recorded, just to be on the safe side. Don't let him goad you and try very hard not to be alone with him. It will be harder for him to record you or start saying inflammatory things (like his screaming you were hurting the DCs) if you are well in public view with witnesses around. As much as possible, limit conversations and stick to emails.

As far as contact with OW, absent a court order there is nothing you can do. And it's unlikely you'd get a court order unless you can prove that she is a danger to the children or that the children would be negatively impacted emotionally by her presence. You can ask your stbx to keep the children away from her, but he doesn't have to agree. Again, being calm about it is the way to go. If you insist he not have her around or slag her off to him it'll only push him to have her around just to spite you. That's just human nature.

BTW, speaking as a retired divorce lawyer, when you have your free 30 minute appointment do not waste it by telling the solicitor all the ins and outs of your husband's behaviour etc.

The reason for the divorce, from the solicitor's point of view, is virtually irrelevant. Neither the court nor the solicitors on either side are interested in who did/said what to whom. Sorry that sounds blunt but it is the truth. You will be divorcing him on his adultery, so long as he admits it, and you won't be naming his partner as co-respondent. If he won't admit adultery you will be advised to divorce him instead on his unreasonable behaviour, which he doesn't need to admit, at which point your solicitor will ask you to provide brief details of his behaviour.

At your free appointment, focus on the finances, take a brief note outlining the assets, liabilities, values of pensions, both of your income etc.

Once you start paying the solicitor £220 per hour or whatever you need to make sure you are spending every penny on relevant advice. If you need to rant about your Hs behaviour, go out for a drink with a friend, they aren't charging you in £22 for 6 minutes!

The second thing is contact; I'd suggest that you simply agree for doorstep handovers for the time being, possibly with your H collecting one of the children early in the morning and giving him/her breakfast, washing etc at his home before dropping at nursery/school, so you aren't rushing so much.