XP wants to 'destroy me'

[isles7]

A little background, XP and I separated in March. We have a 2yr old DD. At the time, we lived in a rented house, and I moved to another rented house. He left me with a lot of debt that I had no idea about (£2.5k council tax arrears, £4k rent arrears, £2k credit card debt) and kept both of our cars. At the time I was too mentally exhausted to fight any of this and couldn't risk losing my job over the debt (credit checked role) so took out a loan to cover the debt and bought a new car for myself.

Fast forward to a month ago he has been a lot more reasonable and agreed a sum that he would pay me to cover the amount he failed to pay in child maintenance until CSA were involved; the amount of his debt I repaid and the value I was due from the cars he kept. In total it amounted to £15k and has allowed me to proceed with buying a house.

I am now at the stage where my mortgage is all arranged, I am due to complete on a house at the start of December and all my finances are in order. I have a letter from him stating the money is a 'gift with no expectation to repay'.

But today he has changed his mind when I made it clear that he would never be living in the house (to be fair, I thought I had made this explicitly clear from the outset). He has kicked off, is threatening to take me to court to get the money back, make up lies to have me done for mortgage fraud (and lose my job) and is generally just being vile.

Amongst his messages are things like "You are a crap shag. The only reason I tolerated you before DD is because you were fit. That's changed and noone will want you now you're fat, broke and bankrupt".

I'm in tears at work here because I just don't know what to do. The money is rightfully mine but I've even offered to repay it and pull out of the house - he doesn't want to know, he has messaged me saying "see you in court" and turned his phone off.

Where do I stand with any of this? Do I need to pull out of the house? If it helps, he took out a loan to give me the money and lied about his reasons for obtaining the money. (told them it was debt consolidation).

Oh isles big hugs. This seems to me to be the increasingly pathetic and desperate attempts to unsettle you, by a man who knows his control/influence is waning.

Ignore, ignore, block and report. Call your mobile provider and block his number. Get your mum to do the same. Even if the police won't or can't do anything, make a report, make records with official channels.

I would be astounded if he actually followed through with any of his threats re various proceedings. He'd have to go to court, fill out paperwork, pay a fee. He is tormenting you because he can. And even if he does issue, there is plenty you can do in response. He MUCH prefers to dangle the prospect of what sounds like very threatening proceedings rather than follow through where a Court is not going to stand for any of his unreasonable, irrational nonsense. As Wannabe says, don't necessarily be scared by the follow through.

I'm glad you have been able to mostly block him. YY to contact only through a contact centre - he's unhinged. Please do see a solicitor about a non-mol order.

People who expect to move into a family home don't give 'gifts' for the mortgage - they pay the mortgage/put down deposits and get their percentage interest in the property recognised in law like normal human beings. His position is laughable.

Just remember that you have support here, and that you need to store copies of everything he sends you for evidence of his behaviour.

Thank you everyone

He is also threatening to have my dog rehomed. We share custody of him. I know this is a ridiculous thing to be upset over but he knows it will break my heart

well shared custody of the dog stops as of now. he's your dog. I'd seriously let him go to court over custody of a dog.

in fact the more things he goes to court over the more unhinged he will look.

He is the master of his own destiny.

"He is also threatening to have my dog rehomed. We share custody of him."

Then he can kiss goodbye to shared custody of the dog. He does not get to make such threats. Also, get the dog chipped and notify all local rescues that your ex is threatening to take your dog and re-home him (and that if the get offered the dog, they need to call you immediately as it would have been stolen).

This is harassment, no other word for it.

Please get in touch with Womens Aid they can point you in the direction of a solicitor who has experience in situations like this and report him to the police, and use the word harassment.

Even if you did give him the money back he'd only find something else to rant about.

And now this:

"Im keeping , despite the challenges he poses me, I love him too much to part with him.

Kind regards"

He is on a direct filter to my junk box at work with an out of office auto reply.

Definitely harassment now and time for police

Also time for your mum to involve police and keep any texts he sends her as evidence

Could work provide you with a different number and give yours to someone else who could then ring him and say who are you why are you texting me, I've just started here and been given a new phone for work I don't know you fuck off

Not sure that would be an option but I've managed to block his calls/texts (iphone so super easy). My mum is just ignoring him but I'll ask her to go to the police if he starts making direct threats.

I was left feeling like such a timewaster last time I went to the police (March) that I really don't want to involve them again unless I have to.

I'm only getting these last messages as they are going to my junk email on work computer. He's not attempted to contact me via personal email.

isles you have had some great advice here. Especially regarding the chipping of YOUR dog and warning vets and rescues I would never have though of that.

Please go to the police. I know you had a horrible time with them last time but you need to officially report him, giving as much detail as you have given here. Women's Aid can advise. Please.

He is utterly deranged and I am concerned about what he may do.

Ask to speak to a domestic abuse officer at the police not just ordinary plods. This has been harassment for a while. You need to disentangle your lives - this is too high a cost to pay for the childcare he occasionally provides, and at some point the chopping and changing and stress is going to damage you or DD. Backing down in the face of his threats hasn't worked as he's not a normal, reasonable guy - as Wannabe says let him hoist himself by his own petard. He is just waiting for you to back down. Don't. Warn work, your childcare, local animal shelters, the police of of his threats and ignore communications from him not via a solicitor. And expect drama - fake illnesses, disappearing acts, self harm threats. Don't let him drag you in.

I hadn't thought of that. It takes weeks to get an appointment but I'll see if I can get something sorted.

Basically, I am going away next Thursday until Sunday to stay with a friend. Due to complete on house the day after I get back. If I can ignore him till then, even if he starts legal action against me it hopefully won't happen in that time. Am I being naive?

I told my manager today and he was really supportive - he said he knew something was up by my smudged mascara and puffy-trying-not-to-cry face yesterday

He's not going to start legal action, he's much more enjoying winding you up.

Stop responding to texts, keep the dog and never let him near it, stop contact and let him go to court over it. He can't tell your mum what to do either. Just ignore him. And log it all with the police if he carries on harassing you.

I am the only person saying don't involve the police. It can just escalate things in ways that aren't very positive. Women are always saying contact the police but I don't think involvement of public service providers is always a good idea in family disputes. Rest of the advice is good and as for the dog just refuse to deliver it up for its custody times with the ex. Say it's unsettled by changing homes or going out with him and he will have to include that in any court application if he wants the dog.

I would certainly reduce email and text contact with him and phone as much as possible. You have no legal obligation to reply ever. In fact my ex has not communicated with me ever since one of our children was able to take emails - at about age 6 to 7 as he's a bright child - since then their father just texts my son and that's fine although a bit rude to me to ignore me but I can cope with being ignored.

Isles this has gone on quite long enough. Speak to womens aid, please. Quite simply, he is deranged.

Look after yourself love