XP wants to 'destroy me'

[isles7]

A little background, XP and I separated in March. We have a 2yr old DD. At the time, we lived in a rented house, and I moved to another rented house. He left me with a lot of debt that I had no idea about (£2.5k council tax arrears, £4k rent arrears, £2k credit card debt) and kept both of our cars. At the time I was too mentally exhausted to fight any of this and couldn't risk losing my job over the debt (credit checked role) so took out a loan to cover the debt and bought a new car for myself.

Fast forward to a month ago he has been a lot more reasonable and agreed a sum that he would pay me to cover the amount he failed to pay in child maintenance until CSA were involved; the amount of his debt I repaid and the value I was due from the cars he kept. In total it amounted to £15k and has allowed me to proceed with buying a house.

I am now at the stage where my mortgage is all arranged, I am due to complete on a house at the start of December and all my finances are in order. I have a letter from him stating the money is a 'gift with no expectation to repay'.

But today he has changed his mind when I made it clear that he would never be living in the house (to be fair, I thought I had made this explicitly clear from the outset). He has kicked off, is threatening to take me to court to get the money back, make up lies to have me done for mortgage fraud (and lose my job) and is generally just being vile.

Amongst his messages are things like "You are a crap shag. The only reason I tolerated you before DD is because you were fit. That's changed and noone will want you now you're fat, broke and bankrupt".

I'm in tears at work here because I just don't know what to do. The money is rightfully mine but I've even offered to repay it and pull out of the house - he doesn't want to know, he has messaged me saying "see you in court" and turned his phone off.

Where do I stand with any of this? Do I need to pull out of the house? If it helps, he took out a loan to give me the money and lied about his reasons for obtaining the money. (told them it was debt consolidation).

I have involved the police before and, frankly, they were hopeless. He told them I was a drama queen being hysterical over nothing (he threatened to remove DD from the country) and that was the end of that.

I am now wracking my brains trying to think of all the emails I've sent him. There might be something like, "I need you to send me a letter to confirm the money was gifted to me for my mortgage company" - that's okay right? It's the truth and at that time I had no idea he would pull this stunt should have seen it coming really

I would expect the mortgage company to have requested confirmation that the money was a gift, and I doubt you have anything terribly incriminating in your inbox.

Please try not to stress too much about him. He's likely to be long on threats of court and short on action. And do tell the police - request to speak to someone who deals with domestic abuse (you'll get a better response).

And I second (third?) the above saying that it's nigh on impossible to prove that money transferred between family/partners/friends was a loan not a gift (also a lawyer). People try to prove it on occasion, but it generally descends into 'he said, she said' and the courts don't like to find loans exist where there's no document/independent witness to say a loan was agreed.

Thanks for your responses. I'm actually a financial advisor myself which is why I am so uptight that any allegations - false or otherwise - from him could have a massive bearing on my career/reputation, let alone the mortgage.

The deposit has been put down as a gift and I need to provide my solicitor with a letter from him. I have the letter sitting in my inbox (scanned doc) so really just need to forward that to them asap.

I hate him so much for doing this. It is DD who will suffer if he follows through with his threats, he genuinely can't hurt me anymore than he already has over the past year+.

Get in your new house and change your number. This guy has access only at a contact centre written all over him.

Have spoken to work sols and they've advised because I have a letter from him and the money in my account he doesn't really have a leg to stand on. They also advised not to inform the solicitor dealing with the house sale at this stage as it is likely XP is just sounding off.

Tonight he has threatened to go to court to get 50% custody of DD, threatened social services because DD was at my mum's until I finished work at 830pm (and therefore out too late, he was meant to have her in my house tonight until i got home from work but he changed his mind last minute basically leaving me screwed with no option but to ask my parents to help), and he's now texting me to tell me there are spiders all over the house including a huge one under my bed. I have a massive phobia and now feel physically sick.

I haven't responded to any of his messages although I did send him one stating that I was revoking my offer of paying back his loan having reread his letter and realised it is a 'non-refundable gift'.

I fucking hate him

isles I can't advice you on the legal side of things. You have received excellent advice from those with more experience. How much do you need this man in your life? He doesn't strike me as a responsible father if he's doing all he can to ruin the mother of his daughters life. I would do what yw suggested and cut all ties with him. Neither you or your DD need to deal with this shit. He offers nothing to you but troubles and grief. Get rid.

He's pushing your buttons because he knows you're on the brink of being independent of him, don't you?
That's all it is. I'm not minimalising (sp?) this, just hoping you will recognise this for what it is - a last desperate attempt at controlling you and scaring you.
Ignore. And carry on doing what you are doing.

I just can't understand why he wants to hurt me so much. I really have done nothing to deserve this

Some folk just have to win. This sounds like it's become a sick game to him now.

I just feel like he won't give up until he's completely destroyed me. Tbh, he's probably not got long to wait. I am sooo exhausted and worn out I don't think I have the energy to fight him.

I think its time to stop fighting and to start ignoring him. He sounds so egotistical that would destroy him. Be kind to yourself.

Please change your number. Do not allow him in your house. Can you arrange contact through your mum or another family member so that you don't have to deal with him?

He is doing all this because he doesn't like that he is losing his control over you. My exh was the same. He thought that I would just roll over & allow him to do as he pleased. He threw his toys out of the pram when I stood up to him.

Keep being strong.

Blocked his number, whatsapp and facebook. Came into work to 4 increasingly angry emails from him, so have blocked him there and set up an auto response stating I am out of the office until further notice.

Have spoken to the work legal team and also my boss this morning and both have reiterated I have nothing to worry about. I am worrying though about the potential damage his lies can cause.

The 4 angry emails are because he knows he is loosing the battle and is trying to keep control

Keep doing what you are doing and ignoring him

"the gift was conditional. The gift letter states that it is for the purchase of a family home.

I was fully expecting to be part of that family home.

simple.

Ill begin proceedings this morning."

His gift letter does state it was for a family home. The family home being DD and I, NOT him.

And make sure you keep the angry emails you got before you blocked anymore

Deep breath. You will get through this. He is being a knob precisely because he knows you will get through this and get past him, and he really HATES that thought. Tough!

Don't worry about the money, you have plenty of knowledgeable people above advising that it's not an issue.

The messages, changing of plans (and then trying to use it to get you in trouble) etc all sound well into harrassment territory to me. So best to keep all emails and texts (though if they are stressing you out, it's fine to get a new number/email so you can keep his nasty messages separate from everything you actually want to see), and log EVERYTHING that he does (or fails to do). He is giving you plenty of ammunition, so if he keeps it up, you can show all of that to the police and will have all the proof you need.

Your previous correspondence must be littered with references to the fact that you have separated. It will be clear that this 'family' did not include him.

Don't worry. He is a cock. And he is stupid.

A not-at-all-dangerous combination. Block and ignore. Call police if he starts harassing.

The thing is, I can't change my number or email as they are both used for work.

He has started harrassing my mum as well, sending her multiple messages about how he has the right to go there whenever she has DD and how if she stops him he will stop her having DD altogether.

I'm just worried that by ignoring him, I am provoking him and he actually will carry through with - or at least try to - these threats. I really don't need this right now.

Poor you

Focus on your DD and work and the new house. Your new house. He sounds demented and truely nasty.

But you can block him from both, as can your mum.

Each of you can send him a final message that he should make no further contact (apart from via a solicitor or other agreed mode, e.g. separate email account wrt contact). If he continues to do so then you will contact the police.

Having seen your last message, I would contact police about the harassment, not the "loan".

Call 101 and talk to someone. Others on MN will have more experience of harassment and how to deal with it.

And I would be stopping contact with your DD for the time being as he has clearly lost it and is behaving extremely erratically.

Firstly op take a deep breath and utter these words multiple times: “ex for a reason,” and repeat whenever he annoys you. Make it your mantra.

Secondly, speak to the police about his threats and harassment against you and about getting a non molestation order against him both for you and your mum. I know very little about such things but if you call 101 someone will be able to advise you more. Meanwhile block his number, his email address, and inform him that communication will happen through solicitors only from now on. I would also speak to a solicitor to get an emergency order to allow him supervised access only to dd as he’s threatened to take her out of the country (is he a foreign national?)

With regard to this:

“I am just worried that by ignoring him, I am provoking him and he actually will carry through with - or at least try to - these threats.” Tbh this might not be such a bad thing. At the moment he is using your fear of him and what he says he can/will do to control you and it is working. If he actually went through official channels to try and make any of this a reality he would very likely be laughed out of court, especially when backed up by your evidence of harassment and bullying tactics. I mean texting you to say that the house is full of spiders when he knows you have a phobia? Withdrawing childcare and then threatening to go to ss because your mum looked after your dd? No judge is going to take him seriously. So rather than being afraid of what he says he can/will do, I would use it to my advantage, let him go right ahead and hang himself, he’s already provided a world of rope to do it with.

Keep the relevant people in the loop and let him do the rest. Then sit back and watch.