HELP MY DAUGHTER REFUSING CONTACT WITH EX DUE TO BAD DREAMS ABOUT HIS NEW GIRLFRIEND

[Smithybum]

Hi am new to mumsnet and really need peoples advice i split with the ex hubby 4 years ago since then he has had contact with our 2 kids who are 14 and 8 lately the 14 yr old refused contact due to a difficult relationship with his dad and contact the last few months has been off and on with the 8 yr old my ex has now told me and the 8 yr old that hes back with the ex gf a relationship that has been on and off for a yr (more off than on) in March they split as my 8 yr old was having bad dreams about the gf killing me along with bad nosebleeds tummyache which the doctor put down to stress of the so called relationship so contacted was stopped a month later the ex dumped her (again) the dreams stopped and contacted was started again but now hes bk with the gf and the dreams etc have started again and the 8 yrs old is refusing contact what can i do??? i did try talk my daughter round last time but now we found out hes been lying for months about the gf and dropping my daughter bk early just so he can visit the gf!! My daughter feels very upset and let down but of course all this is my fault and his kids should fit round his life and he told our daughter they only dreams.....NOT to an 8 yr old little girl they not!!! any advice???

Told the ex as i think being her dad he has a right to know what the doctor said my first concern is dd hence the gp ss and school plus the no contact the older child is a son he refused contact weeks ago because of ex's attitude towards him and the nasty things he says about me to them tbh i do not care what him or the gf think of me i can rise above the nasty txt etc i know he adores our kids no contact was a last option for them i don't wanna be the cause of the ex having a mental breakdown (his words) i really don't want the kids to turn round in a few years and this some how be all my fault the ex is very good at fooling ppl and controlling things! I just really can't get my head round why he would continue to be like this when he can see the impact its having on dd but to me as long as dd is happy and safe i will do what ever it takes>

The doctor has done a report for my solicitor so the ex would have found out anyway either way i really cannot win when am seeing dd like this i am just trying my best for dd and finding it very hard and upsetting not about the ex i don't care what he does or the gf but hard to see dd unhappy

Smithy, you need to disengage. Step back with dignity. Tell him to speak to SS about contact, they will be used to explaining this sort of thing.

The way you describe it is that you have gone straight to ex after hearing the news, and then accused his gf of being to blame. You haven't done anything wrong, I don't want you to feel worse than you obviously already do, but it's just that it is in your interests and everyone elses to just step back a little and let the professionals do their job.

Achillea u are right but its hard not to go to the ex when dd was so upset we normally have a good relationship and honestly thought he would listen but i was wrong so now i will let the solicitor and ss sort it out am just gunna be there for dd and support her.

It is a bit of a bombshell to drop on someone at the best of times - whatever you think of his behaviour, anyone would be devastated to be told that, SS should have managed this for you.

I'm sure that over time you will learn to disengage from him and his GF, it must be very hard for you.

Smithy you've had good advice here. Forget about the ex and the GF. Just focus on your DD and let it all go through the official process.

I think you have made a mistake in communicating all this to your ex and expecting a "good relationship" to continue, however what's done is done and I'm sure you did it this way for the best of reasons. However there is no reason now to get drawn into it any more, you can truthfully say it's out of your hands and you have been advised not to agree any contact in the meantime. Leave it at that.

Its very hard but I think what makes it worse is that its only a casual relationship I could understand if it was serious going somewhere but as he said its not so I really can't get my head round why do all this and if I can't get my head around it then god only knows what dd is feeling. Like u said am gunna distance myself from now.

Smithy, the GF is not forcing your ex to bedshare with his young daughter when he has been told not to. Sorry but this is nothing to do with her at all, none of it.

You have so, so done the right thing. I'm so sorry as it must have been painful and hard, but you're protecting your daughter, and SS will see that. He will now have something of a battle to get unsupervised contact again, and she will be older when and if that is considered, and able to refuse if she wants to and be heard.

Sadly it sounds like you have a good relationship when you don't challenge him on how he treats the kids. Now you are protecting your dd, the relationship will not survive in a positive way. You have better uses for your energies - let the professionals argue this one out.

Take care, and I hope your DD feels much calmer after some time to recover from the situation.