HELP MY DAUGHTER REFUSING CONTACT WITH EX DUE TO BAD DREAMS ABOUT HIS NEW GIRLFRIEND

[Smithybum]

Hi am new to mumsnet and really need peoples advice i split with the ex hubby 4 years ago since then he has had contact with our 2 kids who are 14 and 8 lately the 14 yr old refused contact due to a difficult relationship with his dad and contact the last few months has been off and on with the 8 yr old my ex has now told me and the 8 yr old that hes back with the ex gf a relationship that has been on and off for a yr (more off than on) in March they split as my 8 yr old was having bad dreams about the gf killing me along with bad nosebleeds tummyache which the doctor put down to stress of the so called relationship so contacted was stopped a month later the ex dumped her (again) the dreams stopped and contacted was started again but now hes bk with the gf and the dreams etc have started again and the 8 yrs old is refusing contact what can i do??? i did try talk my daughter round last time but now we found out hes been lying for months about the gf and dropping my daughter bk early just so he can visit the gf!! My daughter feels very upset and let down but of course all this is my fault and his kids should fit round his life and he told our daughter they only dreams.....NOT to an 8 yr old little girl they not!!! any advice???

Oh good lord. These are cp issues now. The bed sharing is v concerning. Sig your heels in op. I strongly suggest you approach children's services for a chat about what you have said in yore last post.

If an 8yo had nightmears about school would you not send her to school? Why is contact with her dad different? Its not her dad she doesnt want to see its the gf!

Good luck with the counciling and i hope your dd feels better soon.

I have to concur that the dreams are an expression of her fears about you tbh. I know you probably realise this and don't need it spelling out but she's already been abandoned in her head by her dad. she also faces the very real fear that her mum will also leave her forever (I know this is hard to stomach) I felt like this, my mum wasn't ill (I was also older, so able to rationalize more).

In her mind, the gf has taken her dad away, and now is ALSO taking her mum away. I realise this makes no se se, but 8yos don't always make sense. Your GP is being unhelpful imo, your Dd needs to speak to a professional.

Contact needs to continue so that your DD can see that she isn't being abandoned. Maybe your ex could have her more often. You can't dictate about the gf, because simply, that is a convenient outlet for your DDs very real fears, but its not the real focus.

Do you mind me asking what your prognosis is? If its good, I suggest you take her to a few appointments with you so that she can ask the doctors to explain what is happening to her. The cancer, like the gf, is unseen, and probably only talked about away from her, or in private conversations she isn't supposed to hear (like the gf). Possibly in effect the gf has become the cancer in DDs head.

Fact is your is ex going to move on and have gfs, that can't be stopped, nor should it, stopping contact will only reinforce the fact she only has one parent left. I think you need to discuss the possibility of increased contact and his having a good amount of contact (if not residency) should the worst happen to you.

OP - the fact that your DD is being put at risk by her Dad is far more significant in terms of your job to keep her safe than the nightmares that she may be having about a woman that she has never met.

Allow your ex to take you to court, give the evidence of his drink driving, neglect and inappropriate behaviour to your solicitor and seek to agree to a supervised contact order between your DD and her Dad.

You will then be seen to be reasonable, rational and concerned - which is the best way to protect your DD.

It is her dad she doesn't want to see if they were about school then we could sit down and talk about but since its about the gf the ex is refusing to talk about it and told dd to stop being childish! Hello she is 8 but he's not willing to try mediation as he's not the problem dd is (his words) I really don't want this dragging through court but ex told me he will force contact with dd and she will have to get use to it.

OP - why are you not prepared to drag it through court?
You have said that your Ex drink drives with your DD, he leaves them home alone, and he shares a bed with her. She needs to be protected from this - and that is what the court is for.
The dreams are no longer an issue - there are real dangers you have described - deal with these, today.

School is compulsory, contact isn't

1. 8 year old has to sleep with him for no good reason you need to find out the reason as this is a potential CP issue.
2. You do not need to stop contact, perhaps just overnight contact
3. Try to make 14 yo go with 8 yo
4. Nightmares may be an indicator of stress but the content can't be relied upon, it could simply be that dd is picking up on your reaction to ex's gf.
5. You need to let go of your ex, you don't have to like her, it is in your interests to get on with them both or you are putting your children under further stress.

Cos of he's abusing her he'd only do it night right?

To eliminate the 'sleeping together' bit. It might just be lack of space. My dds Dad often slept with my 8 year old if it was required.

Xpost!

Contact ss and tell them about the above. These are real concerns and need investigation not the gf or dreams.

achillea - OP has said, "for no good reason" and her DD has presumably complained. Whether or not it's abuse in the conventional sense (ie sexual) it's definitely inappropriate and needy. That's emotionally abusive.

him drink driving with dd in his van and leaving both kids alone in his house while he went to work a long with the fact the 8 year old has to sleep with him for no good reason

Sorry OP, sod the nightmares. This is the real issue - his behaviour, not the GF. Those are CP concerns as far as I can see.

OP can you tell us what the reasons were?

My ex has bunk beds for for dd to sleep in but everytime she stays over she is made to sleep with him i think just as he misses her so much i really do not believe anything is going on but still think she should not be sharing his bed for any reason the 14 dd has not gone for weeks as his relationship is strained with the ex all this only started when his ex gf came back on the scene 8 wks ago he asked for more time with dd which dd agreed too but he didnt keep up to it and then started dropping dd bk early so dd wasnt cutting into his time with he gf tbh i have bent over backwards for him he has been warned about emotional abuse by my solicitor a few weeks ago but again tbh when the ex talks to me sounds more like the gf then him!

And the drink driving? And home alone?

You seem very concerned about your DDs dreams about your ex's g/f when there are far more significant issues that are putting your DD at risk.
Deal with them now. If you ignore them now and subsequently try to use them as evidence that your DD is better off with no contact - questions will be asked about your judgement.

I had my solicitor address all of these issues with him as far as I know the drink driving has stopped but the sleeping arrangements are still the same when I asked dd

Forcing a child to sleep with him is something going on. It's one thing if she wants to - making her is quite another. Sexual is not the only form of abuse. He's putting his own needs for comfort and affection on a young child.

I also note that he has no plans to care for them when, as you say, you are no longer here to do so. Sorry but that is not normal parental expectation.

He has no boundaries and no understanding of placing their needs first in any way, from all you have said. That is not your DD's problem, yet it is being made so. This needs addressing. The GF is a red herring. It's not important and does not matter: the anxiety causing those dreams does. And that anxiety is nothing to do with a GF she has no contact with.

I'm really sorry to say this, but it reads as if you want to focus on the GF and not him because that's emotionally easier for you. It is not the GF who drunk drove, forces a young child to share his bed, or left them home alone. It is their father. She is not making him say anything - you said yourself he's not serious about her, and in any event you've been apart 4 years and don't want him back so he is perfectly entitled to have a new relationship, which he isn't taking anywhere near your DD.

You are scapegoating the GF issue as a way of examining the real problems here. Sorry, but that is how it reads. If my child were being forced to share a bed for adult emotional needs, and being driven by a drunk person, I would not be fretting about dreams of a GF she had never even met.

I don't think it's your solicitor who should be addressing these issues. I think it should be SS or CAFCASS, frankly.

There's no court order so tell the X to fuck off and seek help for your DD. She is your priority, not this man. If he becomes abusive or harasses you via text/email/phone calls, involve the police to make him back off.

Agree with sgb. There no penalty for the op when there is no court order for withholding contact. Dd is more important than ex needs - if he could see/learn that them maybe things could be resolved.

Wot Disney said.

Latest news i went back to my gp with dd she told him everything on her mind and how she feels regarding bed sharing,nightmares,gf and being with dad in general he had concerns which he has now voiced to ss but as dd did not disclose anything (ss words) not much they can do but have contacted her school and asked them to do a tier 1 assessment for dd ss and doctor said they want ex to have no contact and doctor agreed that dd health and mental well being must not be at risk at him forcing contact! Explained all this to the ex but again am just vile and evil keeping dd away from him he really cannot understand that his actions have caused this and refuses to believe anything he is told tbh thing the gf is pulling the strings a bit here!

Why do you care what he thinks?

Your daughter now feels safe and therefore happy. Surely THAT is what matters, not your ex-husband or his girlfriend's opinion of you?

You need to focus more on your little girl and less on your ex husband IMO.

Don't be bloody telling him everything, how can your daughter feel safe and comfortable about telling you stuff if you relay it back to him.
No contact, end of. Concern yourself not with him but your daughter.

Why would you let her go to someone who drink drives with her in the car, never mind the bed sharing.

Your older daughter obviously has concerns as well, can you speak to someone and perhaps get counselling or support for them both.

Something very wrong with all of this, your behaviour in particular is odd.

You are adding to dd's problems by telling him what she has told doctors in confidence, and undermining your own credibility as a parent who is impartial and puts her daughter first. Be very very careful as this could so easily just flip and you could appear to be at fault.

If gf is pulling strings, let her. It's nothing to do with you.