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Legal matters

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Original poster

My partner moved in 2 months ago and now refuses to leave

144 replies

LilacwineGirl · 26/04/2012 13:14

Hi, my partner moved in to my house 2 months ago. We are not getting on at all. On top of this, he is refusing to look for a job, so he hangs around my home doing absolutely nothing and complaining about life. I have asked him to move out as he has huge temper rages and shouts at me and my 3 children. He is not paying any money towards the bills, food, mortgage etc I have asked him/ told him to go but he is refusing, saying that he gave up his council home to move in with me. The actual truth is that the council were evicting him for non payment of rent. He is saying that my house is now his home and I will have to pay him to go. Can I just change the locks and refuse him entry? I know I am really stupid and scared. I just work really hard to support my children and myself and I am scared that this is now turning into a money battle. When he moved in we agreed it was a temporary situation. I don't know what to do as stupid as it sounds I really don't want him sharing my bed and bedroom and I dont have a spare bedroom. I really don't want him around upsetting my children. I have had to call the police on previous occasions because of his mad temper. Please help the stupid idiot that I am.

OP posts:

KatieMiddleton · 27/04/2012 07:50

If he is in your home without permission he is trespassing. If he is smashing up your property that's criminal damage.

I cannot believe the police did nothing. Did you say you don't want him there? Did you ask them to remove him? Did you say you fear for your safety? Because if you did all that and the police did nothing I find that utterly shocking and unbelievable.

Chopstheduck · 27/04/2012 07:51

Why the hell does he need to be kicking off! You dont want him there, he has no right to be there, so he is trespassing surely?

I agree with Follyfoot, ask to speak to someone else.

UphillBothWays · 27/04/2012 07:56

Lilac phone the police on the non emergency number and ask to speak to the domestic abuse officer or the family officer, failing that someone senior.

The 2 police officers that came out completely failed you and broke so many police guidelines. It is categorically not how they are meant to deal with a situation where domestic abuse is even a possibility, let alone where there's evidence.

You deserve so much better. We're with you xx

UphillBothWays · 27/04/2012 07:59

Also, do you know how to cover your tracks online? It will depend on the browser you are using, do ask if you're not sure. Stay safe :)

AIBUqatada · 27/04/2012 08:09

I'm so sorry that the police have let you down so badly. The officers were wrong. I agree with others that it would be good to get in touch with a police domestic violence unit, where officers have the training and experience not to commit the shameful errors that those officers did last night.

Please don't doubt yourself. It is dreadful that you have to be strong enough to fight police inertia at a time when you are already facing the awfulness with your ex-partner. Stay strong a bit longer.

cheeseandpineapple · 27/04/2012 08:16

Oh Lilac, what a nightmare for you. You mentioned you still have to share a room with him. Sorry to get too personal but does that mean you're having to have sex with him, when in fact you would rather you don't ie is he forcing himself on you? He sounds so violent and unpredictable, worried he could move in that direction if he hasn't already and you need to tell the police if he has been forcing you to do anything you don't want to do.

My impression is that the police will only get involved in criminal matters, not civil. If you are trying to remove him from your property, I think it's a civil matter and you may need to give formal notice if he's deemed to be living with you under licence rather than as a tenant.

Is there a citizens advice bureau where you can get legal advice?

It might be that after giving notice if he doesn't leave then police can help evict him, in meantime you probably need to show or report a crime/evidence for it, sonds like police are pretty impotent unless you make a specific allegation of a crime eg an assault of some kind, which doesn't even mean he actually hits you but makes out feel like you are under threat. I think if you are just saying to police, please get rid of him, they can't. If you have already spelt out to them what he's done which is criminal, eg criminal damage and assault (threat of violence) and they've done nothing, then need to ask them why they aren't charging him.

Very frustrating and like othes, am shocked that you can't get police help given how violent he's been. Please take very good care and keep us posted of how you get on.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 27/04/2012 08:16

Lilac, don't get discouraged. I also had this reaction from shit policemen when trying to get my violent and abusive ex removed from my home. Since a vast proportion of society still thinks that "domestics" are the couple's own affair, and that men own their women, then statistically, some police officers will think the same.

Persevere. You will find police officers who have had proper training and are not dickheads, particularly if you ask to speak to the DV officer. And they will be eager to help you and get this man safely out of your life.

PS: After it was all over, I complained to the DV officer, and the dickhead policemen who hadn't helped me were sent on a DV training course, hopefully to go on never to treat another woman as appallingly as they did me. So you see, some good can come out of this.

thisisyesterday · 27/04/2012 08:47

OP, next time he is out call a locksmith and get all the locks changed.

if he kicks off when he gets back and can't get in then call the police.

Collaborate · 27/04/2012 09:12

I agree with all of what the above posters are saying. CHANGE THE BLOODY LOCKS!

KatieMiddleton · 27/04/2012 09:27

Apparently he doesn't have a key so changing the locks will do nothing. Presumably she is letting him in or he's breaking in. Either way both can be dealt with.

Collaborate · 27/04/2012 09:28

Of course. Forgot that. OP - why do you let him in?

Collaborate · 27/04/2012 09:30

IME the police would advise him to leave, and if he didn't they would arrest him to prevent a breach of the police. A complaint to the police is how you should deal with it from that angle. But FGS don't let him in ever again! What were you thinking of?

AIBUqatada · 27/04/2012 09:37

I wouldn't blame Lilac at all if she did let him in. I think he is making it very hard for her not to let him in. A smashed window suggests his willingness to use physical force to get in; Lilac's legal worries suggest he is verbally harassing her with all sorts of false claims of entitlement; and Lilac's willingness to call herself stupid etc is suggestive of his no doubt calculated and very persistent erosion of her faith in her own judgement. I hope you don't mind me saying that Lilac: it isn't a criticism of you at all, just a thought about how very hard it is for you to stick to your guns with this man.

That is why it is so bloody infuriating that the police acted as they did: it puts Lilac in the position of having to be very assertive of her rights at a time when this man is making it so hard for her to have faith in herself.

UphillBothWays · 27/04/2012 09:38

OP if you would like legal advice today the "Rights of Women" family advice line are open today 12-2pm - they are women solicitors or barristers with expertise in relationship breakdown/domestic abuse.

Their number is 020 7251 6577

(Also Mondays between 11am-1pm, Tuesdays and Wednesdays between 2pm-4pm and 7pm-9pm, Thursdays between 7pm-9pm)

RoxyRobin · 27/04/2012 09:45

Please, OP do what everyone is telling you to do! Collaborate is a solicitor so he knows of what he speaks.

Jux · 27/04/2012 09:46

He doesn't have a key, he doesn't contribute financially, his name isn't on anything official. Next time he goes out pack his stuff up and put it outside, change the locks and DON'T LET HIM IN AGAIN. He'll kick off. He does that anyway. Call the cops. They'll come. If he's broken windows/doors etc then you can have him charged. I suggest you do so.

FruitSaladIsNotPudding · 27/04/2012 09:52

What everyone else said. Call the police, tell them what happened and ask to speak to a senior officer about it - make it clear you are no longer in a relationship, that it is your house and that he will not leave. Can't believe how crap those officers were - honestly op, you are in the right here, totally, he has NO right to be there.

Good luck, stay strong. Don't let him in again.

LowFlyingBirds · 27/04/2012 09:58

Surely the police saw the damgae to the door he kicked in??

Awful service from them. I wonder if maybe you could email this thread to someone at your local police station? Then they could get your side of things (which may be hard to get across in person?) without this wanker sticking his oar in.

HateBeingCantDoUpMyJeans · 27/04/2012 09:58

Call the station and ask to a police officer from the dv team they will help.

AnAirOfHope · 27/04/2012 10:46

Op im so angry at this mans treatment to you and the police that have let you down so badly.

I would get the kid out of house for a fewday and get the lock change leave his stuff out side in binbags and dont answer the door. He knows you want him out. Let him bang and shout call the police. Tell them you want him charge for tresspassing and damage to your house and hurassment. Do not ingage with him. Keep repecting yourself to the police.

Talk to a solisitor about a restraining order.

Also do not feed him, wash for him do not lift a finger to help him and if he talks to you tell him the relastionship is over and you want him to leave.

Call the police and tell them all of it. Or better still go see them in person and dont leave until they have a plan to get him out.

LadySybilDeChocolate · 27/04/2012 11:39

You need to contact women's aid, they will really help you.

EldritchCleavage · 27/04/2012 11:49

So sorry the police let you down OP. Why not call back and ask to speak to the inspector in charge. Tell him what you've told us, and say you were let down by officers who left you and your children in a house with a violent abuser.

2rebecca · 27/04/2012 12:00

This thread makes no sense. You should have told the police clearly that it was your house, the relationship had ended and you didn't want him in your house which he had vandelised. He is now an exboyfriend and you don't want him in your life or in your house. if you made this clear i can't believe the police didn't tell him to leave.

AnAirOfHope · 27/04/2012 12:16

If he doesnt have his own key just dont open the door to him.

cestlavielife · 27/04/2012 12:50

dont let him in. plase.

call police 999 when he outside smashing the door.
repeat DO NOT LET HIM IN !

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