My partner moved in 2 months ago and now refuses to leave

[LilacwineGirl]

Hi, my partner moved in to my house 2 months ago. We are not getting on at all. On top of this, he is refusing to look for a job, so he hangs around my home doing absolutely nothing and complaining about life. I have asked him to move out as he has huge temper rages and shouts at me and my 3 children. He is not paying any money towards the bills, food, mortgage etc I have asked him/ told him to go but he is refusing, saying that he gave up his council home to move in with me. The actual truth is that the council were evicting him for non payment of rent. He is saying that my house is now his home and I will have to pay him to go. Can I just change the locks and refuse him entry? I know I am really stupid and scared. I just work really hard to support my children and myself and I am scared that this is now turning into a money battle. When he moved in we agreed it was a temporary situation. I don't know what to do as stupid as it sounds I really don't want him sharing my bed and bedroom and I dont have a spare bedroom. I really don't want him around upsetting my children. I have had to call the police on previous occasions because of his mad temper. Please help the stupid idiot that I am.

Good luck. And once you have got rid of him, don't let him talk his way back in - he sounds like a manipulative bully, and they can be very persuasive.

Sorry but just wanted to add , I live in the country and my neighbours are a field away on both sides. He has smashed windows before when I refused to let him in. Do you think I should just deal with the situation now on my own or wait for my son. Sorry I feel nervous and a bit scared. He dos not have a key but he as tried to kick my door in previously.

He has no rights to your property whatsoever. Do not be worried about that at all. The property is entirely yours, no question.

Can you phone the police to let them know that you are planning this, and there is a chance that he may be violent when he returns? That way they will be ready for your call if this happens.

If you have the money for it, one idea may be to book a B&B for him for one night. Pack up his things and send them there. When you are ready, phone him and tell him that as he has refused to leave when you previously asked him to you have arranged for his things to be at the B&B, and it's up to him to find his own accommodation after that, and you do not want him to come back to the house. Good bye.

Good luck. MN is with you on this.

I didn't realise you were that isolated. Others may have more experience and advice, but I would think in this case you certainly want to phone the police and let them know what is going on. It would be great if they could be close at hand. I am worried that otherwise it may take too long for them to get there.

As your neighbours are a fair distance away and he has smashed windows before when you have locked him out I would have the police there to escort him out. Say nothing to him and arrange for them to be there at a certain time, when they arrive they will inform him that he has to leave and can stay with him outside while you pack his bags or have some of it ready to go and hidden and do the rest as he's leaving.

I had to do this once to help a friend move out of her house when she had a violent partner. He wasn't there when we moved her out but they sat outside in the car until we had her out of there incase he returned.

Good he doesn't have a key. Yes, if he's likely to smash windows and you'd feel safer, wait till your son gets home (or would that escalate to a fight?) Do, please, phone the police in advance, they might even be able to be there when he returns. I know what you mean about country-living, am in a farmhouse with no immediate neighbours myself.

Yes I have called the police twice before and they take ages ( actually about 15/20 mn ) which seems a lifetime when your door is being kicked in. There is just no reasoning with him or normal adult conversation.

Can you phone the police now and talk about this? They will have records of your previous calls. What time is he likely to get home? Rikalaily's suggestion is good.

Do you think the police will definately move him out? I thought they didn't like to get I volved in domestic scenes. The problem is he hardly goes out so it is difficult to plan it, maybe I should call the police and ask or just wait for an opportunity at the weekend when my son is with me and he is out? .... Sorry you are all so helpful and I am finding it hard to take all your advice logically. Also I am just shaking so much with fear in case he suddenly returns.

I also think that you should call the Police now. If you know what time he's expected back they can turn up before and give you back up. Tell them that he's violent.

Why don't you call the non-emergency police number (101?) and talk it through with someone. Explain that your partner is abusive, make sure they look at the records of previous callouts, and explain that he is refusing to leave.

I would hope they would be able to come over and escort him away. You don't NEED to do this on your own :)

Call them now and have a chat - make it clear that you are no longer together and you are frightened.

Do call the police to let them know what is going down. You should speak to the nearest domestic violence unit to you. They'll take you seriously. Call your constablory's HQ, give them your address, and they'll put you through to the nearest DVU.

You'll get really good advice from women's aid Lilac.

Definitely a good idea to talk to the police first. Make sure they look up their records of previous callouts (and make sure that these records exist -- sometimes the police fail to keep a record of such things).

I'm not sure how helpful the police will be about escorting him off the premises unless they are pressured a bit to look at his record of violence and intimidation towards you. So for your own safety you need to make sure they are properly briefed and ready to act.

I want to second everybody else's view that this man has absolutely no right legal or moral to be in your home. Also, you have not done anything wrong or stupid whatsoever. You've just had the bad luck to be dealing with a very unreasonable exploitative man.

Right I will call women's aid and the police domestic violence and get help. I will end for the moment but will come back. Thankyou so much for your advice, help and strength that you are giving me.

"I thought they didn't like to get involved in domestic scenes."

A decent police officer wuold rather prevent crime than have to deal with the results of it. It's your RIGHT to live in your home safe and unscathed, and it's your children's right as well. Let them know that he is violent and unpredictable, and that there are children in the house.

All best wishes, Lilac. I wish we could all be there and stand alongside you.

So do I x

Hi , no luck with women's aid or domestic violence helpline. They are too busy and you have to leave a message which I darent do. I will wait for my son and call the police when he is with me. Calmly thinking I think I need him out of the house because then he has no way of legally re entering. I know the police will be helpful, but this is messy and my ex has the ability to "talk and charm a bird off a tree" so to speak. Thankyou I feel calm and level headed in the wake of this storm.

Hi , no luck with women's aid or domestic violence helpline. They are too busy and you have to leave a message which I darent do. I will wait for my son and call the police when he is with me. Calmly thinking I think I need him out of the house because then he has no way of legally re entering. I know the police will be helpful, but this is messy and my ex has the ability to "talk and charm a bird off a tree" so to speak. Thankyou I feel calm and level headed in the wake of this storm.

Call the police on the 101 number just to give them a heads up. And don't worry about him talking anyone round - he has absolutely no right to enter your house, no matter what he says, and the police will know that.

Call the police on your local number now. Explain that he has a history of violence and that you are scared of him returning to your property. Ask them if they could pay a visit to him at his place of work and tell him not to return to your property, and that your son will take his belongings to a place where he can collect them away from your home. Alternatively, he can accompany the police to your house and you will give him his belongings whilst they are there.

Thirding the advice to call the police now to tell them ahead of time that you intend to evict an abusive man who has a history of smashing in your windows when you try to keep him out (as well as a history of police call-outs to your home).

Later on, when all this is done and dusted, I recommend you book yourself in to your local Freedom Programme to understand how you got involved with such a controlling and abusive man, and how to avoid such men in the future.