Shall I have a 3rd...2 DC 10 years and 12 years..am I mad?

[gotmunchies]

Hi. My DH and I have discussed this on and off for as long as I can remember, always procrastinating about it. I know there are similar threads and have poured over them. Didn't know whether I should be in 'older mums' thread...?

Am 39 this autumn, have DD 12, DS 10. We are expats (immigrants? as I don't think we will move back to UK), living in USA. Never seemed like the right time to expand family as we have been travelling around world since birth of DD. Now we have made the decision to stay and see DD's school years through here in USA, I find I constantly feel the pull to extend family to 4DC, so would like 2 more. Feel like we should stop the procrastinating and make decision given my age. DH is 46.

I'm trying to work out if I would regret it if we didn't (regret is hindsight thing so not sure in present moment?) but am terrified to 'take the plunge'. Financially we are fine, TG. DH says yes, but I am constantly over analyzing it. I feel it's just the 4 of us here in USA and feel need to have big family as we miss ours back in UK. Am I just lonely? (Was on an Overseas thread) I am not a big socialite, my life centres around family, so what am I waiting for I hear you ask?! Our lives are very ordered (and busy) and is it crazy to try for another? DD says she would be jealous if we had another, (kind of asked her the hyperthetical, "what if...").

LIfe might seem perfect to others but I constantly feel like something is missing (maybe it's the expat thing, being away from 'home'). Would truly welcome thoughts from anyone who has been in or is in similar situation. . Thanks.

Just so long as you don't come back on moaning about(1) difficulty of conceiving (2) higher chance of Down's Syndrome or other abnormality (3) pains of childbirth (4) broken nights (5) cracked nipples (6) failure of breastfeeding due to overwhelming bottle culture over there ...

On the other hand, if you're going to do it, get on with it. You don't need any one's permission.

That was unnecessary Elasticwoman - unfriendly in the extreme you may as well have told gotmunchies not to bother with mumsnet.

I would say if you are going to do it now is the time and think forward 10 years and how you would feel if you had or hadn't had more. I have 2 and think about more all the time and am undecided too - don't really have any answers but know where you are coming from.

Thanks ladies. Nettee, thanks for your support.

Elasticwoman, I am trying to go into this with eyes wide open and have over analyzed fully pros and cons...get the feeling my dilemma/ indecision has annoyed you and I'll apologize if I seem pathetic. I'm really not (I don't think), most people who know me say I'm level headed, sensible & nice gal....agree I may seem somewhat pathetic to strangers reading my message, but right or wrong, I am going through painful emotions with this dilemma at the mo.

mjinhiding - thank you for bothering to pass on your advice.....I know everything you and Nettee say makes sense.

Oh dear, I do feel rather pathetic now...there are people going through so much more than this . I really don't have any local friends to share this with..new to the area. My mum is very biased...completely loves kids so can't discuss with her Not the kind of thing I want to go over on the phone anyway.

Thanks mjinhiding. You put it perfectly, we do think we can do anything in our 20's...how did I suddenly hit nearly 40? Maybe that's it and I am trying to recapture something of youth?

Will ponder on and have been enjoying cruising some of the other threads about big gaps between DC. Must try not to obsess though. My thoughts are no more coherent... not helped by 2 x glass of wine tonight. Will be back with some more thoughts tomorrow perhaps (doubt I will have concluded anything for certain).

BTW sorry you are estranged from DH's 21 year

I am also trying for a third, am 37, but my other two are 4 and 2. I also wonder if it's partly because we are living in the States and I'm pretty sure we couldn't afford to do it if we were back home. I think it is also because we miss our family and friends back home and if we stay I want the dcs to have each other. I have also questioned my motives but I can definitely say that TTC is a lot of fun and has brought my dh and I closer together. Good luck with your decision!

I can't tell you yet but I'm 39+ weeks with dc3 and dc1&2 are 9 and 12. I'm 38. I had no problems getting pregnant much to my surprise and so far dc3 is very well. The pregnancy has been tougher as I'm so tired/ old/unfit which wasn't so bad in my 20s. The Dcs are a bit embarassed about the proof their parents "do it" but are accepting of the imminent arrival. It is a bit like starting again though. Good luck.

I would say go for it. I think if it's on your mind this much it's something you deep down want to do, and only fear or uncertainty is stopping you.
I am an emmigarant to, british living in Germany. I understand your feelings re large family.

I have 4 dc 10, 9, 6 & soon to be 2. I must say the v. close age gap is great,( my eldest 2 are like twins), but the large age gap is fantastic. The boys absolutely adore their baby sister and have delighted in every satge of the pg & babyhood. Every smile, development, the first steps, and now, every new word is a total thrill for them, and as a parent I get to enjoy an unbelievable sense of joy watching my older boys delight in their baby sister (not so much of a baby now).

I had just turned 38 when dd was born, so a similar age.

I didn't find the baby stage hard - much easier than with the boys, becasue as they're so much older they could understand my need for sleep, they helped (a bit) and dd is never without someone to play with her so I can get on.

From me only positives.

Oh, and of course she is such a total delight we cannot imagine not having her in our family, the same as with any much loved child I suppose. I had always wanted 4, and feel very blessed to have them.

My advice would be to stop thinking.

Agree- stop thinking and do it.

Hi gotmunchies

ignore that rotten first response. That person is probably having a bad day!

I haven't got any advice as I'm 35 and only on my second pregnancy now, with a toddler as well.

But thought I would point out that it comes across overwhelmingly in what you've written that this is something you both want. Go for it! all the best if you do :-)

Thanks all for your viewpoints. Appreciate you taking time to comment. Agree with sunshiney, think Elasticwoman was having bad day....

Yep, overriding message seems to be go for it & my DH is saying absolutely let's go for it...

Woke up knackered this morning (was up too late watching recording of American Idol) saying to myself NO! can't do it, then went into school to volunteer in DS's art class, walked past Kindergarten and thought YES! do it!....maybe I just need a few glasses wine for dutch courage and get on with it tonight?

So as not to sound like broken record I may remain silent on forum for short time while I contemplate options.

DS 1 and 2 were 10 and 8 when DS3 was born and we and they have enjoyed everyminute of it. The big age gap has never been a problem. Given my family history I was worried about the chance of twins which would have really disrupted the older boys lives but that didnn't happen. 8 years on DS3 has perhaps seen more unsuitable TV than his peers but he is super confident and very sociable.

My friend's Mum had a baby when she was 15. Everything was fine just that when she tok her little bro out in the pram people would think he was hers!

Elasticwoman did you forget to add a with that post

There is a mum at our school and her dcs are the same age as yours, she is due in October, she is so excited and is so glad she didn't think too much about the gap

Didn't really mean to imply OP being pathetic. Just that there are pros and cons to consider when having a baby.

I certainly think it is lovely for older children to have a baby brother or sister.

Don't worry Elasticwoman, no hard feelings Thanks everyone else for weighing in on this

Out of the blue have just come down with horrible sore throat and cold so went to bed really early last night (so no monkey business), having spent the whole afternoon after the school pick- up driving to get dress up costumes for school event, then to soccer practise, while feeling dreadful. Wondering how I can do this this little ones in tow and no one to call on in times like this when I'm not well. I have no doubt if we were still in England I would have my four kids.....(well would have tried my best and hopefully got my wish).

Have enjoyed reading other posts in Larger Families section, some interesting threads and viewpoints...a lovely post from a lady who hasn't even popped her first and is wondering if she should have four. Lots of good threads.

It seems there's absolutely pros and cons to having them close together and alternatively doing it like I'm considering. mjinhiding, yes! this really would be quite like having first DC, but with wisdom and experience.

foreverastudent - my daughter is really mature-looking for her age and tall too, gets mistaken for being older, you made me laugh as I can imagine there would be those who might think the baby was possibly hers!

I have come to conclusion listening to others that I wouldn't be unsual at all in starting 'again'....but my life feels quite 'free' now and can I go back to little ones....? I say free but feel something is missing, and i do feel this is to do with being an expat away from home and family who I miss...my DH says I should stop saying expat as we live here with green cards and no intention in going back to UK in near future. I'm not depressed being away from the Uk (well, sometimes am) but I'm feeling a bit lost and in limbo....maybe this is what happens when kids become more independant?

Go for it!! We had a 4th by accident with a large gap. Absolutely fantastic, would do it again in a blink of an eye...and i'm 39.

Just do it. Wondering how you would cope is much worse than just coping in my experience. If you are financially stable, you could probably find someone to help look after the baby while you did the after school stuff.

Against all logic we went for No 3 and it is fab

Thanks allbie and pinkpanettone. Feeling miserable with rotten cold so not great time to think about the cons. Have great cleaning lady, could ask her to do more hours.? DH saying he would like au pair or someone live in, we have space but I would hate that. I know I am seeming flakey .

Anyone willing to be honest and admit they regretted going back to baby stage? It's all so positive, could be conspiracy .

Keep the posts coming please.

Sorry, maybe 'regretted' sounds harsh...don't mean it like that ...YKWIM

i must admit that i didnt really think about doing the baby stage again- it is lovely- my dds were 10 and 12 when dd3 finally came along.

i think it helps to have a toddler during the teenage years- it reminds you why you bothered to have kids in the first place!

the only thing that bugs me is working out that by the time dd3 finishes i will have had a kid in school for 25 years!

i was 39, nearly 40 when dd3 arrived- it took me a lot longer to conceive her. birth was much more difficult ( had really easy birth with the first 2). Decided that because of this we wouldnt have any more. So if you really do want another- get on with it!

Thanks ageing5.

Am trying to work through feelings ...that maybe I'm lonely away from family (living abroad)...and is this right to have another child... . It all seems complex in my mind.

Do appreciate your post and know we should get a move on if we want to TTC.

My brothers are 10 and 12 years older. It was interesting in that I had the experience of having siblings but also a bit of an only child too iykwim. I loved becoming an aunt at a rather young age and have 3 nephews and a niece that I am extremely close to. Rather like siblings. In my 20's the age difference with my brothers completely melted away and I talk with at least one of them once or more a week. I didn't start my family until age 38 so now have a great-niece and great-nephew close to the ages of my dcs with 3 more greats on the way!

As far as overwhelming bottle culture, I never experience that (am American living in US). All of my friends and aquaintances have bf and the lactation consultants in the hospital were wonderful. Also, you would get to experience having a private room in the hospital as we never share rooms over here!

So, if you feel like your family just isn't quite complete, go for it!

Will put my 2 cents in. I am 37 and have 4 DCs: DD1 is 12, Ds1 is 11, DD2 is 3 and DS2 is 1. I waited to have my 3rd because DH was not ready. We ended up waiting too long and then neither of us wanted to revisit the whole diaper stage. I had a tubal. A year later, I got pregnant with DD2. I couldnt have been happier! I secretly wanted that 3rd baby soo badly. Dh then agreed to a 4th just because the age gap was so great she would seem like an only child. I couldnt imagine my life without them now! Do what your heart tells you...