Why do some people actively ignore group chats?

[TheDr46]

We have a family chat with 16 people in it.

the majority of people contribute according to their lives (ie - shift workers etc). We post the usual things like photos, check ins, arrangements etc. However my sister and her husband very rarely contribute. Even when you say Happy Birthday to one of their three children, they might respond or they might not. If someone arranges something, a picnic, a celebration etc - nothing. They then rarely come or if they do, they’ll just turn up or you have to ask them directly if they’re coming.

They rarely interact with any family events but do a lot with their friends. I have just presumed that they don’t want to and I respect that, but it leaves the rest of us feeling quite flat and rejected.

They aren’t contributing on the group chats you are on with them.

That does not mean they don’t contribute to other

Why do some people ask to be in the chat and then ignore it even when questions are asked of them?

They rarely interact with any family events but do a lot with their friends.

so it’s not limited to messaging. They aren’t close to this side of the family. And that is totally fair enough

There's two things there - lack of interaction with family, and lack of interaction via the group chat.

Maybe they just don't want a close relationship with family. Plenty don't, for various reasons. Friends are the family we choose.

As for group chats... Again, many people just don't like them. I'm one such person. My phone is constantly pinging with stuff that I don't have the time or inclination to care about. I don't want or need a running commentary on lots of other people's lives, their 'hilarious' memes and jokes, and all the rest of it. 16 people in your case is a lot. I wouldn't want to share with that many people.

I'm not sure I would ever post a happy birthday to a group chat. It would seem performative to me. Why not just wish the specific person (or their parents if it's a small child) happy birthday?

Because group chats are often awful to be part of, and the majority of the content doesn't apply to them? Because postings from others can come across as competitive one-upmanship? Because they are not as close to the family as you think they are?Because they prefer to keep their communications private and personalised to the person they are talking to? Because they don't want everyone on the chat to know their business? Because they just communicate in a different way to you? Because mass/blanket invitations do not necessarily require individual responses (dependent on their wording)? Just some of my ideas.

I don't have a large family, but do have a hatred of WA group chats. I think feeling 'flat and rejected' is a little OTT - maybe they feel overwhelmed having 14 family members chatting at them (online) continuously. I love my family, but, particularly when my DC was younger, my friends were very important to me and I preferred their company for many reasons.
There's so many of you in your GC, I'd say just keep doing as you are doing, leave the door open for them to engage and go about your business without taking it personally.

Some people just don’t want to have to keep up with checking in or whatever.

I find them quite intrusive at times - and I only have small number of people on my group chats, but even then I can pick up my phone and there are suddenly 27 unread messages - it’s overwhelming.

Plus it’s usually mundane stuff that I don’t really need to know about.

One if my friends, I love her to bits - but my god she feels the need to send photos of pretty much everything she does in a day into the group chat.

What the fuck am i supposed to say to a picture of a pile of laundry? I find it bizarre.

Did they ask to be added to the chat in the first place? I suspect they didn’t. Many men in particular could care less - mine couldn’t and does love his family. It isn’t the way they prefer to communicate. But even I hate large WhatsApp groups - and 16 members? That would muted i’m afraid. Too big and unwieldy. He kind of has my sympathy.

I’d ask him if he would like to be removed and for people to just contact him directly with invites or birthday wishes. I think you’ll find ge would prefer that.

Thanks - useful insight.

the group chat is not a chat that pings every day. No one feels flat and rejected because they don’t reply to a group chat but this combined with lots of other things, like generally being totally u interested in anyone else’s life or children etc. But, I do understand, everyone is different and people don’t have to engage in the same way as everyone else.

I do agree more broadly about group chats. I’m also part of some where I don’t actively contribute as much as others, but I sort of put that down to an almost hierarchy type situation - one group have been friends for years and I’m quite new, for example. This is a family group where we’re talking about nieces and nephews, family weekends away etc. I guess I would just always prioritise that but I fully accept, everyone is different t.

You've got the answer is in your OP.... because they don't want to!

Why they don't want to is the bigger and more interesting question, but one that you'll have a better chance of guessing than we will. Why do you think they don't enjoy the company of the rest of the family?

They’re not that family-minded and direct their social energy elsewhere?

Forget the group chat

In RL they don’t come to family events often.

They don’t view this side of the family as one they are close to. And that is fine.

My exs family had a group chat like that. I didn't interact much.

What I hated the most was one person would write something, then you have 15 people sending a separate message each to say the same thing. So Adult A is sick and you have 15 messages saying get well soon.

Sometimes it felt like a competition.

I was never that close with them. I would accept an invite though.

I find myself added to these. I don’t want to be in them so I stay minimally involved for a while until someone acts the arsehole and then I leave.

Many groups end up in chaos and I like a quiet life snd
I prefer to do my own thing.

competition and one upmanship are useful insights into how some people may view things.

For me, it couldn’t be further and is much more about family, encouragement, love, support and communication - not an ounce of competition. From an active participants perspective, I see the lack of involvement as, at times, a little arrogant, disengaged and that family isn’t remotely a priority (which may be true and perfectly acceptable- just different t to the rest).

I do wholeheartedly view all other groups completely differently. I wouldn’t apply the same logic to a work chat for example. And perhaps that’s the crucks of it - I view family as important and perhaps they don’t.

who knows. In the meantime, the rest of us stay close and supportive of each other and they’re totally on the periphery.

I am the same, but not in the one family group that we’ve had for ten years.

Group chats can be a drain. Plus they are not that engaged in RL either.

The more interesting question is why it matters to you? You get what you want out of the chats and meet ups presumably.

Because you feel closer to this side of the family than they do. Why are you struggling with this concept @TheDr46 ?

Why do you need others to get them? Why does it matter to you so much that others are happy without them?

In all honesty I dislike family group chats - my mum just fills them up with political stuff that depresses me and I have no interest in seeing 100 holiday photos, even if they belong to people I love.

I would imagine they simply don't want to communiate with people all the time.

Some of us prefer to communicate organically, not digitally.

I have always found group chats a bit weird, I don’t really understand the expectations. I would always message the parent to wish DN happy birthday, it’s not relevant for 9 other people to see it. If they want to talk to me they can do the same. We certainly never had all these conversations in front of each other when we were at home.

I hate it when group chats are used to try to force compliance with a level and standard of communication I never agreed to. Then people get their arses in their hands when you leave the chat they added you to. Tiresome.

I don’t want to be in any group chats. I removed WhatsApp completely for this reason. If I want to message someone directly then I will but I don’t want to be bombarded with endless notifications and posts to scroll through. Hate it.

Almost every group chat I’ve been subjected to I was added to without being asked if I wanted to be in it. Most of the time I leave but when it’s someone like a family member who’s added me I don’t want to be rude. My mum is particularly bad for it as she thinks every occasion needs a (very active) group chat… love my mum but regret showing her how to use WhatsApp.