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Original poster

Upset that daughter isn't invited to wedding. Talk me down, please!

454 replies

hippygirllucky · 03/05/2023 03:08

I can't sleep and need help getting my emotions in check. I am very close withy cousin, who is soon getting married. I had kids quite young and will be the only person at the wedding with a baby (who is also still breastfed so I can't just leave her at home) and pretty much the only person my cousin knows with a baby. I've had a message tonight, one month before the wedding saying they can't have my daughter there because the venue doesn't allow kids for "capacity reasons". I've checked the venue website, it says kids very welcome and under 5s will be catered for for free. She wouldn't need a seat, she'd be in my arms.

I know it's his wedding and absolutely his choice but I am still hurt. Decided not to message back until I got my emotions in check (I don't want to sound like crazy kid-obsessed mother!). I guess I'm just really disappointed because I was really looking forward to the wedding and I'm a bit sad that we're now going to be excluded just because we have a child. Everyone we might be able to leave her with will be there at the wedding, so we wouldn't have childcare and DH and I have agreed that we just won't go.

Because I'm still so upset, I just can't get my head right to write him a response that doesn't sound butt-hurt (a plain and simple short message won't do either because he'll know I'm upset and my little family being the only family to be excluded just because we have a child!). Could you please help me draft a response that doesn't sound butt hurt but still sounds familiar? But something that also sounds like our decision is final (he's going to be very very upset at us choosing not to come). Thanks in advance.

(P.s just to say, I am 100% not against child free weddings, I totally understand why people feel that way, I just wish he hadn't lied and this is my first time being excluded from a family event because I have a child and I am struggling to balance me immediate emotional response with my more rational understanding of the situation!)

OP posts:
Jemandthehologramsunite · 03/05/2023 11:24

Greentree1 · 03/05/2023 10:49

They are actually lying to you about the venue, I would be tempted to say, 'I checked if the venue was baby friendly and had facilities and they assured me it was fine, before I accepted the invitation, very disappointed they have changed their policy, sorry we won't be able to come, but have a great day.'

I really don't understand why you would suggest this. Obviously for whatever reason the cousin has changed their mind. Why would you actively encourage conflict, are you some kind of sociopath? Genuine question.

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/05/2023 11:25

hippygirllucky · 03/05/2023 03:08

I can't sleep and need help getting my emotions in check. I am very close withy cousin, who is soon getting married. I had kids quite young and will be the only person at the wedding with a baby (who is also still breastfed so I can't just leave her at home) and pretty much the only person my cousin knows with a baby. I've had a message tonight, one month before the wedding saying they can't have my daughter there because the venue doesn't allow kids for "capacity reasons". I've checked the venue website, it says kids very welcome and under 5s will be catered for for free. She wouldn't need a seat, she'd be in my arms.

I know it's his wedding and absolutely his choice but I am still hurt. Decided not to message back until I got my emotions in check (I don't want to sound like crazy kid-obsessed mother!). I guess I'm just really disappointed because I was really looking forward to the wedding and I'm a bit sad that we're now going to be excluded just because we have a child. Everyone we might be able to leave her with will be there at the wedding, so we wouldn't have childcare and DH and I have agreed that we just won't go.

Because I'm still so upset, I just can't get my head right to write him a response that doesn't sound butt-hurt (a plain and simple short message won't do either because he'll know I'm upset and my little family being the only family to be excluded just because we have a child!). Could you please help me draft a response that doesn't sound butt hurt but still sounds familiar? But something that also sounds like our decision is final (he's going to be very very upset at us choosing not to come). Thanks in advance.

(P.s just to say, I am 100% not against child free weddings, I totally understand why people feel that way, I just wish he hadn't lied and this is my first time being excluded from a family event because I have a child and I am struggling to balance me immediate emotional response with my more rational understanding of the situation!)

I'm honestly perplexed at why you are so determined to not sound hurt in your response.

He CHOSE to lie to you abut it all being the venue's fault rather than be honest and tell you they've changed their mind and their wedding is now child-free. He has treated you badly. I expect you're wondering if he felt as close to you as you felt to him - being lied to can have that effect.

Letting him know that he has CHOSEN to hurt you does not make you a bad person, which is the only reason I can think is driving your determination to not be honest with the cousin you believed you were very close with.

Cantthinkofaname2203 · 03/05/2023 11:25

Yerroblemom1923 · 03/05/2023 04:23

Can you leave the baby at home with your dh so you don't miss out as sounds like you'd like to be there? I know you said the baby is breastfed but you could leave enough expressed milk.
Your cousin probably isn't thinking or might be concerned the baby will cry during the ceremony etc.

It’s not as simple as just “leaving enough expressed milk”.

not everyone can express milk, not every baby will accept a bottle.

even if you can express, it often takes weeks of pumping small amounts daily to build up enough for a night out.

GCWorkNightmare · 03/05/2023 11:27

Cantthinkofaname2203 · 03/05/2023 11:25

It’s not as simple as just “leaving enough expressed milk”.

not everyone can express milk, not every baby will accept a bottle.

even if you can express, it often takes weeks of pumping small amounts daily to build up enough for a night out.

Show quote history

A 16 month old child will be absolutely fine for a day without breast milk. They can drink other mills at that age!

Roadtrippingroundgreece · 03/05/2023 11:28

@Neopolitan you called me a CF. Insulting, rude and selfish. I didn’t say their opinion didn’t matter, I said they way in which they have gone about it is wrong IN MY OPINION.

@Roadtrippingroundgreece please take time to read the thread and my initial response. I liked someone else’s response as well which said take the baby, which was actually @Katey83’s. Which I’m allowed to do, because other people have DIFFERING OPINION’S TO YOU.

Bloody hell, would have hated to attend either of your weddings 😅think both of you need to get a life and focus on the OP, not me. Have a lovely day 😊

Neopolitan · 03/05/2023 11:34

Roadtrippingroundgreece · 03/05/2023 11:28

@Neopolitan you called me a CF. Insulting, rude and selfish. I didn’t say their opinion didn’t matter, I said they way in which they have gone about it is wrong IN MY OPINION.

@Roadtrippingroundgreece please take time to read the thread and my initial response. I liked someone else’s response as well which said take the baby, which was actually @Katey83’s. Which I’m allowed to do, because other people have DIFFERING OPINION’S TO YOU.

Bloody hell, would have hated to attend either of your weddings 😅think both of you need to get a life and focus on the OP, not me. Have a lovely day 😊

Yes, you are right, the way OP's cousin has gone about it is wrong and I said so at the start. But if you genuinely can't see how agreeing with ignoring the wishes of the B&G and take the child anyway is insulting, rude and selfish, then I really don't know what to say to you. I really don't. That you can't see how very wrong it is, well, I've tried to explain it a couple of times but you clearly don't get it. And if someone felt so entitled that they showed up with a baby, despite me saying not to, they would certainly have been sent away by my ushers, others have said this as well, so don't encourage people to bank on the B&G backing down when they show up with the baby, because they will certainly be embarrassed, and no one should be encouraging that.

Catspyjamas17 · 03/05/2023 11:35

In a little while they will have a baby themselves and will be so embarrassed that they did this.

It's appallingly rude to withdraw an invitation.

DangerNoodles · 03/05/2023 11:38

OP may not want to go a day without feeding. At that age, some are only having a night feed, others still have milk regularly. My DS was not far off OP's DD age when I went to a wedding, and my boobs were painful by the end of the day. OP may have gone back to work and enjoys spending time with her DD on weekends and reconnecting with her and maybe doesn't want to miss a day.

Op accepted the invite when she thought her DD could go, now she has been told it's child free she doesn't want to go, that is fine, OP is not at all unreasonable.

Roadtrippingroundgreece · 03/05/2023 11:40

@Neopolitan you seem very invested in me agreeing with your opinion. I have not said that I don’t think taking children who aren’t invited to a wedding is rude…I just think in this particular scenario where the bride and groom have also been very rude and entitled and changing plans one month before, then doing the same back to them isn’t the end of the world…as you seem to think. I’m going to assume that you didn’t do that to any of your guests, in that case then yes, it would be rude to bring a child.

I also think you need to learn general manners and not insult people on a thread because they have different opinions to you. And also, actually read the thread properly so you can see what they’ve replied. I won’t be replying to you anymore as like I’ve said above, this isn’t my thread and I’m not sure why you’ve honed in on me.

LuckySantangelo35 · 03/05/2023 11:40

@Theydontknowthatweknowthattheyknow

”It's so sad as well because tbh weddings for adults are a complete yawnfest but my 5YO would absolutely love it.”

speak for yourself! Plenty of adults love weddings, myself included!

also it’s not really about what your five year old would love is it? It’s about what the bride and groom want seeing as it’s their wedding

fairywhale · 03/05/2023 11:42

DucksNewburyport · 03/05/2023 04:37

I agree with pp - can't you go alone and leave the baby with DH? You could leave expressed milk or maybe you could pop out to feed her if DH is close by?

I was bridesmaid at a wedding when DD was 3 months old and EBF and not invited. My parents very kindly looked after DD and I met them a couple of times during the wedding to feed. My friend has since apologised for not inviting DD!

That's lovely for you but she may not have that family option, or it wouldn't have been an issue.

LuckySantangelo35 · 03/05/2023 11:42

Catspyjamas17 · 03/05/2023 11:35

In a little while they will have a baby themselves and will be so embarrassed that they did this.

It's appallingly rude to withdraw an invitation.

@Catspyjamas17

lol how do you know that in a little while they may have a baby?!

They may not want kids - gasp!

Or they may try and have fertility issues!

Or they may have a baby and not be remotely embarrassed or regretful of their decision to have a child free wedding

LuckySantangelo35 · 03/05/2023 11:44

Jemandthehologramsunite · 03/05/2023 11:24

I really don't understand why you would suggest this. Obviously for whatever reason the cousin has changed their mind. Why would you actively encourage conflict, are you some kind of sociopath? Genuine question.

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@Greentree1

What would be gained from that?

they probably only said that to spare OP’s feelings

just respect the bride and groom’s wishes ffs!

Catspyjamas17 · 03/05/2023 11:45

LuckySantangelo35 · 03/05/2023 11:42

@Catspyjamas17

lol how do you know that in a little while they may have a baby?!

They may not want kids - gasp!

Or they may try and have fertility issues!

Or they may have a baby and not be remotely embarrassed or regretful of their decision to have a child free wedding

Show quote history

True. But whatever they do, no-one will give a shit as no-one likes a selfish fuckwit with no manners.

Daffodilsandtuplips · 03/05/2023 11:47

Guilt trip them. I wouldn’t want to go anyway after them lying about the reason to exclude your baby. But I’d give them pause to think about how their actions affect other people.
” Dear cousin, that’s disappointing, we were so looking forward to your wedding and sharing your special day. We’ve got our outfits all sorted too. (Just hope we can get refunds on them and the hotel ).
Have a wonderful day.”.

LuckySantangelo35 · 03/05/2023 11:52

Catspyjamas17 · 03/05/2023 11:45

True. But whatever they do, no-one will give a shit as no-one likes a selfish fuckwit with no manners.

Show quote history

@Catspyjamas17

having a child free wedding isn’t selfish

and plus what is so wrong with being selfish on your wedding day - it is literally one day that’s all about you and your husband! Things do not always have to revolve around kids!

LuckySantangelo35 · 03/05/2023 11:53

Daffodilsandtuplips · 03/05/2023 11:47

Guilt trip them. I wouldn’t want to go anyway after them lying about the reason to exclude your baby. But I’d give them pause to think about how their actions affect other people.
” Dear cousin, that’s disappointing, we were so looking forward to your wedding and sharing your special day. We’ve got our outfits all sorted too. (Just hope we can get refunds on them and the hotel ).
Have a wonderful day.”.

@Daffodilsandtuplips

guilt trip them

haha

what on earth would be the point?!

just try and be happy for the bride and groom and wish them a fab day 😊

DappledThings · 03/05/2023 11:53

No one wants to see a baby at a wedding. No one.
Well that's patently untrue. Lots of people might not but I love to. At my own or when I'm another guest.

Daisyduked · 03/05/2023 11:55

My cousin did the same to me. I felt miserable and excluded. You have my empathy. Some people are just thoughtless. Go the zoo, sod them!

CoffeeYes · 03/05/2023 11:58

DucksNewburyport · 03/05/2023 04:37

I agree with pp - can't you go alone and leave the baby with DH? You could leave expressed milk or maybe you could pop out to feed her if DH is close by?

I was bridesmaid at a wedding when DD was 3 months old and EBF and not invited. My parents very kindly looked after DD and I met them a couple of times during the wedding to feed. My friend has since apologised for not inviting DD!

That’s awful! I wouldn’t have attended! Babies should be the exception to the child free wedding rule.

@hippygirllucky you should just say that you can’t attend because you have a baby to look after. I’d get them a card but not a present or money.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 03/05/2023 11:58

The baby will be 18mo by the time of the wedding!

Neopolitan · 03/05/2023 12:01

DappledThings · 03/05/2023 11:53

No one wants to see a baby at a wedding. No one.
Well that's patently untrue. Lots of people might not but I love to. At my own or when I'm another guest.

Maybe. But I enjoy seeing babies at weddings as much as I enjoy seeing them on planes: both cases I feel dread as soon as I see them.

7yo7yo · 03/05/2023 12:04

MissTrip82 · 03/05/2023 10:42

Don’t ever be this much of a dick to people you love and with whom you want to maintain a relationship.

Honestly I loathe childless weddings but this response was embarrassing to read.

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She might love them but let’s face it they can’t really love her if they won’t let her bring her baby.
and I’d rather be a dick than a hypocrite.

Neopolitan · 03/05/2023 12:04

CoffeeYes · 03/05/2023 11:58

That’s awful! I wouldn’t have attended! Babies should be the exception to the child free wedding rule.

@hippygirllucky you should just say that you can’t attend because you have a baby to look after. I’d get them a card but not a present or money.

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I've never understood this "babies should be the exception to the child free wedding rule" thing. Babies scream, cry, dirty their nappy, want a feed, etc. Their ear-piercing screams can unnerve the most calmest person. Most of the threads on mumsnet where weddings are ruined/vows drowned out, are by 'babes in arms', not older children. Babies cause far more problems at weddings than older children in my experience. I might allow older children to a wedding, but never, absolutely never newborns.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 03/05/2023 12:09

I bloody would.

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