Upset that daughter isn't invited to wedding. Talk me down, please!

[hippygirllucky]

I can't sleep and need help getting my emotions in check. I am very close withy cousin, who is soon getting married. I had kids quite young and will be the only person at the wedding with a baby (who is also still breastfed so I can't just leave her at home) and pretty much the only person my cousin knows with a baby. I've had a message tonight, one month before the wedding saying they can't have my daughter there because the venue doesn't allow kids for "capacity reasons". I've checked the venue website, it says kids very welcome and under 5s will be catered for for free. She wouldn't need a seat, she'd be in my arms.

I know it's his wedding and absolutely his choice but I am still hurt. Decided not to message back until I got my emotions in check (I don't want to sound like crazy kid-obsessed mother!). I guess I'm just really disappointed because I was really looking forward to the wedding and I'm a bit sad that we're now going to be excluded just because we have a child. Everyone we might be able to leave her with will be there at the wedding, so we wouldn't have childcare and DH and I have agreed that we just won't go.

Because I'm still so upset, I just can't get my head right to write him a response that doesn't sound butt-hurt (a plain and simple short message won't do either because he'll know I'm upset and my little family being the only family to be excluded just because we have a child!). Could you please help me draft a response that doesn't sound butt hurt but still sounds familiar? But something that also sounds like our decision is final (he's going to be very very upset at us choosing not to come). Thanks in advance.

(P.s just to say, I am 100% not against child free weddings, I totally understand why people feel that way, I just wish he hadn't lied and this is my first time being excluded from a family event because I have a child and I am struggling to balance me immediate emotional response with my more rational understanding of the situation!)

How is any event ruined by a baby crying unless it's A Quiet Place with Emily Blunt and you're hiding from the aliens?

What usually happens when a baby starts grizzling at weddings is the mum gets up and whispers: "I'll just take her outside. Oops! Thanks." That's the ,mums who aren't already sitting on the aisle end of the pew at the back of the church because they guessed this might happen.

Nothing justifies bad behaviou anywhere, it's just that IME the worst behaviour at weddings comes from adults who have a bit too much to drink at the reception or insist they don't want to be seated anywhere near the person they had a row with years ago. Sometimes such adult "mucking up" as you call it, is entertaining, but only when it's someone else's wedding. Crying children are a picnic and in my book weddings are not adult-only occasions though they might be in yours.

What usually happens when a baby starts grizzling at weddings is the mum gets up and whispers: "I'll just take her outside. Oops! Thanks."

@limitedperiodonly And by that time both mum and baby have rudely interrupted and ruined what is supposed to be one of the most memorable moments of a couples lives.

@Strawberrydelight78

People took lot's of pictures of her and fussed over her. I think it's more about they think baby will be centre of attention not them.

Yes, that was part of it on our wedding day. Another part was we didn’t want a formal occasion distracted from by crying, fussing children.

So what if we wanted to be the centre of attention on our wedding day, and not some random kid?

If a baby starts crying at an important event and you know it's going to last more than a minute or so, you get up and quickly and quietly walk out, don't you?

There are some horrors but really, that's what most mothers do. Lots of them choose a seat near the back so they can make a quick exit.

Most of the rest of us realise babies cry and toddlers have tantrums at the most inconvenient moments and so long as the parent deals with it calmly it's not worth over-dramatising by talking about endlessly screaming children,

really, they have no friends with small children AT ALL?

Is this idea really so alien to people? If they’re quite young, it’s entirely possible their friends are in a similar position and haven’t started families yet. Maybe they do have friends with children, but they aren’t that close to them - given all the “But people without children just don’t understand” posts on here, maybe they’ve drifted apart. We’re always being told on here how much priorities change when you have a family; maybe they simply see a lot more of their other childless friends, who will have a similar level of freedom over their time.

Are you seriously saying how is a wedding ruined by a baby drowning out the vows, so even the B&G can't hear the vows? Are you honestly, genuinely serious? It's a solemn occasion! People including B&G need to hear what is being said! Does this need explaining?

And as so, so, so many threads on here have shown, even posts in this very thread, far too many parents do not take the babies out as soon as they cry. Many stay there and don't move! It's the fact that too few parents do take their kids out, that is the very reason child free weddings is a thing.

@limitedperiodonly

however long they cry for it’s still a disruption

I didn’t want that at my wedding

lots of people don’t

No, most mothers do not go outside. That is the issue. Very few of them do. Hence why child free weddings exist.

And by that time both mum and baby have rudely interrupted and ruined what is supposed to be one of the most memorable moments of a couples lives
Or, for the less uptight amongst us, there has been a minor interruption to one part of the ceremony that reflects what it means to make a public commitment in front of all our friends and family with all of them, whatever their age, included.

that is the height of selfishness and immaturity on mumsnet! lol

Or as I said, they sit at the back.

If you don't want to risk any guest interrupting one of the most memorable moments of your life that's up to you. If I worried about that at my wedding I wouldn't have invited any of the babies and small children or my husband's aunt who had a dicky heart and already had one heart attack. Her keeling over would have outshone our vows.

People concerned about that sort of thing might like to think about any guests with mobility problems and seat them first and tell them to stay sitting until everyone else has cleared the building so as not to interfere with the wedding procession. And people who look funny in case they spoil the photos.

@Neopolitan oh dear. I must have different friends to you.

I'm not saying you had to.

@limitedperiodonly

ok ok we get it! You are so selfless and caring compared to all of us selfish and vapid bridezillas with our child free weddings who didn’t want a baby crying during our ceremony regardless of how long the duration of that crying

It's not me. It's the many, many, many people on this site who have posted their stories.

How old is your DC ?

a lot are having a child free wedding now. Totally up to the couple. Maybe your cousin thought u woudl be more upset if he told u the truth so invented the venue idea. I suppose if you decide to have a child free wedding you have to say all children as otherwise where do you draw the line on age ? Some would say a DC is classed as a baby up to a year. Some would say different. I know at one of my husbands friends wedding they said child free but allowed a couple of babes in arms. Trouble was one of the babes in arms was around 18 months and caused havoc during the speeches. Even stood outside you could hear the little one.
politely decline

Again, it's not me saying that.

@LuckySantangelo35 for one day - for which we were paying. No way would we have wanted the distraction of kids. Plenty of other occasions on which your kid can be the centre of attention.

Now I have a kid myself, I respect couples who have similar wishes, of course. And, ultimately, it’s the couple’s choice.

In fact, people who don’t appreciate that when you have children you must make sacrifices (like missing weddings if you can’t get appropriate childcare, as required) are immature.

HOWEVER, in the OP’s case, I think the circumstances are distinguishable as her kid has effectively been UNINVITED, having previously been included (if I have understood correctly). That’s poor form
and bad manners.

We were clear from the outset it was a no kid wedding and plenty of our friends did exactly the same: mostly because of numbers, but also because they wanted to enjoy the day without kids distracting and fussing and so on.

@Piglet89

im in complete agreement with you!
I think it’s bullshit if a couple cannot have one day - their WEDDING DAY - which is all about them if that’s what they want and where they are the centre of attention rather than a baby or child.

You do "sound like crazy kid-obsessed mother!". How old is your ebf PFB?

Leave your baby with her father and wish your cousin well. Or stay at home.

The phrase you use to describe being unfairly treated is awful. It their special day not yours.

We were the first in our friendship group to have a baby. We were subsequently invited to many child free weddings some of them overnight. Eldest DC was 10 weeks and the wedding was at the other end of the country. Other people brought an uninvited babe in arms. It screamed the place down during the service and was not taken out. Don't be that arsehole.

DFs have since had DC and understand how difficult the child free invitation.

@LuckySantangelo35 apologies! I misunderstood!

You received the invite about a month ago and there is one month until their wedding. You have plenty of notice. A shame that they have changed their mind since the save the date.

I didn't understand why you are so upset that you can't sleep, If you are close, have a civil conversation, in real life. Evergreen advice, do not be passive aggressive.

Why do people on MN always assume child free weddings is to do with noisy crying babies?

For us it was a shear numbers thing, i doubt the teens would cry during the service but they would still take up space.

Where do you draw the line? Do you invite the 15 yo - what about their 19 yo sibling? You can't invite one friends kid an not another's.

She wasn't some random kid though she's his neice. If she wasn't able to come with us I wouldn't have been able to attend never mind be a bridesmaid. There were other babies and toddlers there as well as the flower girl his dad. So to say no children apart from the flower girl would make him a hypocrite.