Upset that daughter isn't invited to wedding. Talk me down, please!

[hippygirllucky]

I can't sleep and need help getting my emotions in check. I am very close withy cousin, who is soon getting married. I had kids quite young and will be the only person at the wedding with a baby (who is also still breastfed so I can't just leave her at home) and pretty much the only person my cousin knows with a baby. I've had a message tonight, one month before the wedding saying they can't have my daughter there because the venue doesn't allow kids for "capacity reasons". I've checked the venue website, it says kids very welcome and under 5s will be catered for for free. She wouldn't need a seat, she'd be in my arms.

I know it's his wedding and absolutely his choice but I am still hurt. Decided not to message back until I got my emotions in check (I don't want to sound like crazy kid-obsessed mother!). I guess I'm just really disappointed because I was really looking forward to the wedding and I'm a bit sad that we're now going to be excluded just because we have a child. Everyone we might be able to leave her with will be there at the wedding, so we wouldn't have childcare and DH and I have agreed that we just won't go.

Because I'm still so upset, I just can't get my head right to write him a response that doesn't sound butt-hurt (a plain and simple short message won't do either because he'll know I'm upset and my little family being the only family to be excluded just because we have a child!). Could you please help me draft a response that doesn't sound butt hurt but still sounds familiar? But something that also sounds like our decision is final (he's going to be very very upset at us choosing not to come). Thanks in advance.

(P.s just to say, I am 100% not against child free weddings, I totally understand why people feel that way, I just wish he hadn't lied and this is my first time being excluded from a family event because I have a child and I am struggling to balance me immediate emotional response with my more rational understanding of the situation!)

That was meant as a reply to this. Stupid fingers.

I'd say that we were sorry to have to miss their wedding and hoped they all had a great day. What else can you say?

Was the baby ever invited? How does the invite read?

And you said you have children so were they ever invited?

Imagine being this much of a dick.

For me it was about celebrating our marriage with close friends and family, who we like very much and want to be there, doing everything we could to help them to be able to attend and to make sure everyone had a lovely time. People still talk about what a lovely day it was and what a lovely time they had nearly 20 years later. Weddings are definitely not just for the bride and groom, in my book.

Weddings are not about showing off and riding over everyone else's wishes. Well, they can be, on MN certainly, but that kind usually end in divorce very quickly, as people who are thoughtless and inconsiderate of others are also often very wont to argue and be disagreeable over everything. I've been to loads of weddings but never been to a wedding like that and have only come across bridezillas and groomzillas on MN.

The worst part for me in OP's situation was not that they decided it would be child-free (I've been to a nice, small child-free wedding) but that they changed their minds.

@sugarrosepetal

or maybe just wants a child free wedding

oh and an 18 month old is not a baby in arms

@Catspyjamas17

plenty of child free weddings I’ve been to were fabulous days that still get talked about fondly years later 🤷‍♀️

Oh - I missed this bit! I think it's realistic to expect a little baby (maybe under 8 months) to need to be there but at 18 months I'd say that's a toddler! A walking / talking little person by then.

I've only read the first page so I'm to try to comment only on that and this update.

It is shitty of them to uninvite you and their feeble excuse wouldn't fool a child. It's their party but I don't buy the argument about how people without children don't know how difficult it is to get childcare or even want to attend a family occasion with, you know, like members of their family which include children and old people. The last wedding I was at had no one below 21 and no one above 60 apart from the parents of the bride and groom.

It was like being an extra in Logan's Run or Soylent Green - that's for the older Mumsnetters. I'd make the cut if either of them ran it again to different partners (which is not beyond the realms of possibility) but my husband would be culled from the guest list.

When we got married there were a few guests who had children - my brother, my friend and my fiance's friend. Of course we invited the children because we wanted their parents there and weddings are fun with children, even if they cry in church.

Please don't give in to your cousin's wheedling about coming on your own unless you really want to. I couldn't be arsed.

Have a lovely family day out at the zoo. I love well-run zoos (London, Whipsnade, Drusilla's in East Sussex) and aquariums (London, Barcelona) and was thinking only the other day that I might go to London because it's been so long.

But I wondered if we'd look a bit strange - a middle aged couple wandering around with no children. But we will go, regardless. It's not compulsory to have children to enjoy zoos and weddings but they definitely add something,

Have a great day with your family.

What is the world coming to when there is a rule adopted that randomly stops close family and friends celebrating at a wedding.

Oh I think she would. We sent away two of DH’s siblings because they cheekily brought partners when already told no.

They thought the same as you. They were wrong.

Nope sorry but for me as the child's parent it's 100% about my child being happy and safe. This is my priority as their parent, not grown adults who (if they're not including my child) are likely to be distant friends or relatives. They are absolutely within their right to request a child free wedding or be selective about which children they want to invite but I am absolutely in my right to decline the invite if it interferes with my responsibility towards my child. I wouldn't think twice about putting my child first.

I'm not saying my child is entitled to be there I'm saying it's a shame she won't be there because I guarantee she wants to be there a heck of a lot more than I do. That is my personal opinion about weddings. If you love them then great

I think the guest not being there is a risk you take if you exclude the dependent of that guest

OP, it is not a family event; it is a wedding which many family members will attend.

It is understandable that they might not want an infant in attendance . it is probably not that they do not want your L there so much as they may not want the possible disruptions that come with babies. I have attended 2 weddings where mothers had to exit the church because of crying infants and toddlers. Both of these events were being recorded and in the one instance , the infant started crying just as the vows were being exchanged. The noise was captured in the recording. The mom exited with the infant, but only after reciting of the vows had started.

If you can't find a sitter , the reasonable thing is for either you or your husband to attend.

@Theydontknowthatweknowthattheyknow

fair dos!

that was the risk I took at my own child free wedding. It paid off and everyone invited came and a fab time was had by all 😊

Our wedding venue counted babies in the total number allowed due to fire regulations. Could it be something similar and your cousin hadn't initially realised the baby would need to be counted and has now realised they are over capacity?

So? We were standing on the steps of the register office for our pictures and someone tried to scurry past on the pavement ducking so as not to ruin the shot. That was a good picture and the one immediately afterwards of us all laughing was even better.

The unexpected usually happens at weddings, and funerals for that matter. Sometimes those are the bits you remember most fondly.

Besides, how many times do you think they've watched the video of their own wedding let alone anyone else?

Though, I always smile at that bit where Diana flubbed Charles's middle names at their wedding. With hindsight we could all confidently say that wasn't the worst moment in that marriage.

Utter codswallop. Nobody wants a screaming child at a wedding, and unfortunately you cannot guarantee that they won't scream.

@limitedperiodonly

Besides, how many times do you think they've watched the video of their own wedding let alone anyone else? “

it doesn’t matter! They paid for the videographer! And they don’t want to hear a crying baby on it

I think that you are being absolutely ridiculous.

You said that you can't leave a baby at home because she is breastfed. Of course you can leave a breastfed baby at home. Many people express breast milk, and leave the baby at home.

Second of all , many people have childfree weddings. So there is no noise and disruption. It is nothing at all to do with you personally.

I can't believe that you are taking it so personally! That's weird. You're being very precious.

An 18 month old is FAR from a babe in arms! Cop on OP, they don't want a screaming kid at their wedding and they have every right to request that. I am sure other people will be leaving their kids at home but you think you are all kinds of special and YOUR child should be the only child allowed attend.

Absolutely nuts.

Enjoy the Zoo!

Who has said that OP’s DD is 18 months old?

I remember years ago when my first baby was 6 weeks old, we travelled 200 miles to attend a church wedding (my uncle). After the wedding we were told that children couldn’t attend the reception. No notice as we were already there! That was bad enough, but some time later my aunt, who had a one year old daughter, asked why we hadn’t been to the reception! Transpired that other people had been allowed to take their kids, just not us! It still hurts when I think about it even though it was over forty years ago.

Do you think that? I think things like that are good and it's wise to remember that you can't control everything even you have paid for it because other people are not extras in the video of your life.

Sometimes they add something to the occasion, as I explained about the man scurrying past in our wedding photos and Diana mixing up Charles's names. It didn't spoil it. Definitely not for us and as for Diana, well there were quite a lot things on her mind that day.

I can't see it in her posts.

It's not exactly the end of the world nor is it adopted randomly.

Sometimes people just need to draw the line with invites. No Children is an easy way to keep numbers down. I'd have ended up with 35 Children from babies to 18. They still count in the numbers.