How to set boundaries with in-laws (sorry for the long post)

[KMoo22]

Soo my baby is now 7 weeks old. My partner and his family are VERY close and I mean inseparable (i find it incredibly overbearing) they go on local walks, to the pub, meals, dinner out, breakfast out, HOLIDAYS together still with their 2 adult daughters and my partner is always invited PLUS their dog goes everywhere with them. I personally never say yes as I find it too much!!

When we told them I was pregnant there was a lot of umming and aahing about the baby and having no money… they were quite doubtful of us basically. His mum got excited on the run up to labour. My labour was really easy I was planned Home birth but chose to go to hospital. Labour was easy, pool birth, cocodamol, g&a and he was here in 2hrs 17 mins, few stitches and 24 hrs in hospital; when I came home after an overnight in hospital his parents and sisters came up to meet him. My parents are absolutely brilliant also but they don't interfere.

We visited the in-laws once and iv refused to go back since as the MIL was horrific. I barely got through the door when she snatched the car seat from me, and completely ignored my request for her to leave him asleep. She woke him then sat in a corner with her knees tucked too her chest whispering to the baby. It was so WEIRD and then cried when I said pass him here he needs feeding and changing. Instead she ran off with him, when i said pass him here she turned her back on me, then ran too another room again. I refused to visit them again at their home. We had a weekend away she was up my butt all weekend, wanting to bath, feed and have him in her room (he’s EXCLUSIVELY BREAST FED).

As the weeks progressed my MIL has grown increasingly possessive and I mean to the point she sits and cries if you say let him sleep. We’ve had some argument over my baby then after a few heated chats about her behaviour with him and having to tell her to stop basically trying to be a 2nd mum. It started with demanding to see him more than a few days a week, constantly taking him from me, obsessive behaviour about how he’s fed. Then making strange little comments to me like ‘I miss having my own baby, I miss breast feeding I enjoyed it’ just bizarre little things… then following it with really possessive ‘give him here right now’ vibes. Last few days shes then started being obsessive over him smiling at us for the first time, she got upset that she wasn’t the first person to see him smile and its driving me INSANE. If I feed him she’ll stand over me staring at him and she’ll stare at him for the entire feed or she’ll stand over me watching like the boob monitor. Then when he’s seconds off the boob she’s in front of me ready to grab him without realising I go from side to side on feeds! I don’t know how much more I can take or how many more times I can say too her ‘you are not his mother please step back that is my role now’! I feel like I’m a child having too explain myself and as though I need her permission to do things or not to see her one week as I have a lot of things planned. I haven’t seen a single friend and have cancelled plans a few times due to her as she’s caused so much drama and sulked and cried about other people seeing him. I wont get started on how many photos that women has of herself with him, then sticks them on fb without asking If I mind? Which yeaa actually I DO MIND. Me and my partner have None with our baby...

Yet when I do stand up for myself I get incredibly aggressive messages off the FIL saying ‘I’m nasty for upsetting his Grandma, she has rights.. blah blah blah’. How do you tell a woman like this to STOP and explain for the 10000th time that her days as a parent have now ended, her son and DIL’s journey as parents has now started.

Its really really made me FEAR spending time with her anymore as she gives me horrendous anxiety with her intrusive behaviour.

This. Spineless twat indeed. You have a husband problem. Maybe he doesn’t see it because he’s been so conditioned to it but this will not end well unless he respects your wishes and sets the boundary NOW.

I would be moving far far away from his family. And equally far away from him if he can’t get his act together and prioritise being a husband and father and what’s best for his wife and child over being a son and what his mother’s needs appear to be. Intolerable way to treat a wife and mother who has only recently given birth no less. Absolutely he needs to reign in the family.

OP It'll never get better, my in laws haven't and now they are old and need more care, its getting unbearable.

Find someone else, i wish i had.

She sounds bat shit crazy and possessive. I really feel for you OP. Although my situation is slightly different I had something similar with my SIL who refers to my children as her babies and posts pictures saying it's her babies and her kids siblings. The other day she took my baby out my arms and goes "come to your mummy" and I literally wanted to kick her.

I find it so Weirddddd that people behave like this, for me that is not love and it's definitely over stepping boundaries and I feel like saying FUCK OFF lol.

However, you are babies mum and you should have to feel this way regardless of who it is. You definitely need to just put your foot down and move away from her if she is creeping over you while your BF. You need to have a serious chat with your DH and just hope he can understand that this behaviour from his mum is not normal.

@EthicalNonMahogany
Well we've had quite a large argument over it, I wad driving when he started with me and I pulled over and said 'get a shovel from the shop and start digging as your mums already digging a hole for you both to jump in if she carries on hinting for things she knows aren't happening anytime soon and you keep defending her'. Iv put them all in a group chat bar the sisters as they are both SO CHILLED OUT. I call it SHIT'uation as its so stressful for not only me but the baby and my Boyfriend as he's getting in the neck. You know the moment of heat where you give each other stick? Kinda one of them and he said stuff out of anger in the moment.

The FIL has umpired a little bit today weirdly and said "I'll have a word with her".
Basically I sent a message saying "I feel so under pressure and every time someone keeps mentioning PRAMS, TIME ALONE/DAYS OUT ALONE, BOTTLES/NOT BF/EXPRESSING and SLEEPOVERS; its like my hand is being forced to give him up for someone else's pleasure for a few hours, which I get they would really like to do but right now the baby needs 2 things.. ME and my BOOBS. He wont be bottle feeding on expression as it could knacker my supply if I made a regular of it and didn't let baby do the pumping. Also Im not pumping so someone else can feed him, why do other people need to feed him? He's not a baby dolly, but when I say No I don't expect them to totally blank me and go behind my back to my Boyfriend and ask him (if mum says no ask dad situation). We Will let them know when he is able and old enough to be left alone with someone else and I wish people would speak to me rather than just to my partner? Do I not exist and also I am his mum so my say is FINAL whilst he is BF, not the boyfriends atm. Also please don't be coming to our home more than once a week, if I were home id only see my family once a week once a week is plenty enough, just assuming and inviting yourself up is incredibly intrusive, we will tell you if were free you and we dont want people just coming unannounced we like our own space!"

Like today Is a good example, I said no to sitting outside as the baby hates warm/humid/HOT and it was humid as hell and I mean detests it he gets so upset and crabby; she then went onto banging on about taking him for a walk in the pram on her own and giving us a break (we were both fine and he was asleep) after Id already said no, she went behind my back to my boyfriend, he thought id agreed and its really manipulative.

I got a message composed and sent that above and then my boyfriend has reinforced what I said and just said "Mum, I know you mean well and we both do not doubt for a moment you will be a brilliant Grandma. But the questioning and dropping hints about going off for even an hour is out of the question right now, shes not expressing for someone else other than me to help once every now and then through the day/night when he's cluster feeding, she wont be doing it for anyone else as shes not a dairy cow in a milk shed. The time alone and all the hints need to stop as its putting her on edge, the more people go on about it the less likely she is to come over with him as its making her uncomfortable which then upsets the baby and then it comes back on me as I'm sat right in the middle! Also please stop going behind her back when she says no, and take this as nicely as possible.. we dont want you at our house more than once a week...'

That's a very strong message from your boyfriend. I think you should step back now as you've had a chance to vent and he's handling it well. You need to cool the rage.

@Thornethorn first time for everything! Im hoping shes learned her lesson and place in the pecking order!

You have a partner problem. You need to tell him that if he doesn't unequivocally back you up the relationship might not last.....

Yes but dial it down now... don't gloat.

Well hopefully now she realises you are both in the same page she will calm down..

@Thornethorn with the greatest of respect theres a fine line between gloating and having my voice heard and at the end of the day as many have agreed I'm this babies mother not her. She has absolutely no right to behave like she has done with. Iv got every right to finally feel heard and that my partners finally pulled his finger out of his arse for how long this lasts I don't know as I've had 8 weeks of hearing how she's the most important person in his life. And all its been is about her feelings, her emotions, her bond, her experience, her meeting his milestones, her holiday away spending her time with him. Shes been extremely self centred with this baby and behaved like a spoilt BRAT and a damned possessive one. Every time she came and she completely ignored me and just did as she pleased the more and more intimidated and threatened I became. Her snatching the baby off me, moving away from me whenever I said i need to feed him, when she sat in a corner once in the recliner and she curled herself up so tight I couldn't get to him. Then when I said he's hungry 'no he's just crying' orite cool what do I know?! My mum witnessed it and said she worries me, i didnt like how she stood over staring and watching you feed him the entire time he fed then followed you from room to room and tried grabbing him before you had a chance to sort him?!

Id never stopped her visiting once but the way shes conducted herself has been completely and utterly unacceptable and I'm really lucky iv not developed PPD. Shes lucky Id not banned her weeks ago! Not him or his dad stepped back and thought hang on, hows this affecting the mum?? Its all been about her and her bloody bond. The more they fed into it the more pressure iv felt from her. The intrusiveness and just thrusting herself on us and wanting us to be available at her convenience and demand.

Its been 8 weeks of HELL, arguments between bot just me and my partner but me and my parents and then the sulking. And frankly, I sincerely hope she has learned her lesson. She either needs to nut up and shut up and stop being such a control freak over this baby, or she needs to pack her shit up and keep away as I'm not dealing with her anxiety anymore. Its crippled me mentally and physically as its made me feel so powerless over a child that carried and birthed!

Glad you have managed to set your boundaries clear. Hopefully it will all settle down and you can enjoy your new baby without constant stress

@comfortablyfrumpy and the drama continues.. another week on and we have another argument leading to my partner blocking his own parents as they cant behave themselves.

All starting because his mum tried to dictate what time we should come and dictating we have to stay for X amount of time because its only fair as my mum gets to spend all her time with him as were still living at my mums whilst my house is still being sorted! (My mum works mon-thurs 6-4, my dad mon-fri and then works after work so 17/18 hr days some days!). We've had to say thats it now. If you cant behave and won't stop picking at my mum and accusing her of things that don'g exist then you don't see him until you stop taking pop shots at the people who have boarded and lodged your son and DIL since april and the baby since June FOR FREE. He's a baby not a toy and behaving like a spoiled brat is not the correct and adult solution to getting what you want. Sulking even more now because I don't want to spend 2/3 days a week with her as shes got FOMO, over absolutely nothing.

The only person causing the anxiety now is her and shes causing not just mine and my partners stress and upset; but her own too!!!

Golly, I am sorry, it sounds nightmarish.
I hope you, your OH and upur baby are ok and managing to not be too stressed over this. It should be a special time.

Jeez she would drive me up the wall. 2 or 3 days does she think you have nothing else to do. Keep them blocked till they grow up.