How to set boundaries with in-laws (sorry for the long post)

[KMoo22]

Soo my baby is now 7 weeks old. My partner and his family are VERY close and I mean inseparable (i find it incredibly overbearing) they go on local walks, to the pub, meals, dinner out, breakfast out, HOLIDAYS together still with their 2 adult daughters and my partner is always invited PLUS their dog goes everywhere with them. I personally never say yes as I find it too much!!

When we told them I was pregnant there was a lot of umming and aahing about the baby and having no money… they were quite doubtful of us basically. His mum got excited on the run up to labour. My labour was really easy I was planned Home birth but chose to go to hospital. Labour was easy, pool birth, cocodamol, g&a and he was here in 2hrs 17 mins, few stitches and 24 hrs in hospital; when I came home after an overnight in hospital his parents and sisters came up to meet him. My parents are absolutely brilliant also but they don't interfere.

We visited the in-laws once and iv refused to go back since as the MIL was horrific. I barely got through the door when she snatched the car seat from me, and completely ignored my request for her to leave him asleep. She woke him then sat in a corner with her knees tucked too her chest whispering to the baby. It was so WEIRD and then cried when I said pass him here he needs feeding and changing. Instead she ran off with him, when i said pass him here she turned her back on me, then ran too another room again. I refused to visit them again at their home. We had a weekend away she was up my butt all weekend, wanting to bath, feed and have him in her room (he’s EXCLUSIVELY BREAST FED).

As the weeks progressed my MIL has grown increasingly possessive and I mean to the point she sits and cries if you say let him sleep. We’ve had some argument over my baby then after a few heated chats about her behaviour with him and having to tell her to stop basically trying to be a 2nd mum. It started with demanding to see him more than a few days a week, constantly taking him from me, obsessive behaviour about how he’s fed. Then making strange little comments to me like ‘I miss having my own baby, I miss breast feeding I enjoyed it’ just bizarre little things… then following it with really possessive ‘give him here right now’ vibes. Last few days shes then started being obsessive over him smiling at us for the first time, she got upset that she wasn’t the first person to see him smile and its driving me INSANE. If I feed him she’ll stand over me staring at him and she’ll stare at him for the entire feed or she’ll stand over me watching like the boob monitor. Then when he’s seconds off the boob she’s in front of me ready to grab him without realising I go from side to side on feeds! I don’t know how much more I can take or how many more times I can say too her ‘you are not his mother please step back that is my role now’! I feel like I’m a child having too explain myself and as though I need her permission to do things or not to see her one week as I have a lot of things planned. I haven’t seen a single friend and have cancelled plans a few times due to her as she’s caused so much drama and sulked and cried about other people seeing him. I wont get started on how many photos that women has of herself with him, then sticks them on fb without asking If I mind? Which yeaa actually I DO MIND. Me and my partner have None with our baby...

Yet when I do stand up for myself I get incredibly aggressive messages off the FIL saying ‘I’m nasty for upsetting his Grandma, she has rights.. blah blah blah’. How do you tell a woman like this to STOP and explain for the 10000th time that her days as a parent have now ended, her son and DIL’s journey as parents has now started.

Its really really made me FEAR spending time with her anymore as she gives me horrendous anxiety with her intrusive behaviour.

If that was my MIL and my DH didn't place boundaries and stick up for me - I'd be reviewing our marriage.

'We have rights, he's not just your baby you have to share him' just things like that set my anxiety off and it sends if through the roof!

Grandparents don't have rights in that way in the UK. Family courts can put contact orders in place but that's about the child's right to have a supportive and positive relationship with grandparents not the grandparents right to contact, which doesn't exist.

OP, you are getting too focused on her. It doesn't matter if you believe she may be autistic. It doesn't matter if she is menopausal. It doesn't matter if she cries. It doesn't matter what she wants. Nothing can happen without your consent. You are the mother and you hold all of the power here so stop mentally giving any power to her. If you don't want something to happen, it doesn't happen. If she tries to make it happen, remove yourself and the child from the situation.

^ This.

Grandparents don't have "rights" in the UK. Put your boundaries up and make sure your husband is supporting you in that.

It really came to blows. Gave her the benefit of the doubt went to see her. No problem, until she started waffling on about using her pram and taking him for a walk. Then saying when we go home they can come see us more than a few times a week (i see my family once a week IF THAT), waffling on about taking him off us for an hour or two and the partners sisters spending time alone with him.

Mean while this conversation was going on... he was fast asleep in his seat.
I walked out, i feel so selfish for leaving him with her and my partner but I had to walk out before I went for her after I'd said no he's too young. The anxiety that goes through me every time they mention being alone with him. Iv never felt so PRESSURED and like my hands being forced.

Its caused arguments too a point my partners threatened to leave me and told me to leave our home.

She sounds overbearing but some of the things you are taking issue with seem perfectly normal.

Of course she wants to cuddle her grandchild, it's ok for her to say she misses having her own baby. Etc

I think you are misunderstanding some of her comments and actions

They are a close family and used to spending a lot of time together. So do that instead of visiting.
Take the pram to the park or for a walk. Let her push the pram
Give yourself a break.
But then be firm "I am going to feed her now ".

Don't wake her when she's asleep etc

Your DH needs to have this conversation with her too.

She's a narcissist . She trying to domineer you and take over your baby . I bet she's never really been told no and
Is used to having her way . Your other half and his family just give in to her for a quiet life . Your partner needs to back you up . If he dosent have your back he has no respect for you .

I'd be right back at your partner that if he doesn't sort his mother out, you'll be the one leaving him, spineless twat.

Forget labels about why she's the way she is, just stop going and keep your baby with you. Christ, I'd love to come and tell her to fuck off for you.

I'd tell DP that if he wants to see his family 'more than a few times a week' he's welcome to go & spend as much time as he wants with them; but you & the baby will be at home & they're not allowed to invade your home.

I haven’t seen a single friend

Seriously-that’s bonkers?!

How often are you seeing her? If you’re on Mat Leave and DH is at work-I wouldn’t see her at all in the week.

@maddy68 i see some of her points!
Some of which I have been absolutely fine with, but it got more and more intensive.
Like the space invasion of wanting to be in our pockets, shes so jealous and upset of us living with my parents whilst our house is being sorted. We cant help being here we never asked for it to flood, my mum and dad feel so upset and guilty and like they shouldn't be involved at all. My mum was my bloody ROCK in my pregnancy and labour, id never have gone through it without her, she did all my scans and made sure she booked them! She was with my throughout my labour. She was amazing but shes a midwife so her experience was priceless for me!

She's got the anxiety everyones got him all the time and she doesn't have him but they really don't! My partner takes him from me maybe 45 mins 2/3 times a day whilst i get sorted?
My parents leave me too it or my mum will hold whilst i grab a bottle of juice or get his vitamin drops THATS IT. Its sods law every time we visit that he's asleep and she knows not to wake him, but I wont wake him up or stay there for 2-4 hrs for her to wait for him to wake up its unreasonable too expect that of us.

She's got to back up and start listening to me, iv said no to her having him alone, he's too young and exclusively breast fed. This is part of her worries that she cant do anything with him whilst he's newborn and rightly so SHE CANT, she's not his mum! Shes got all his life to spend time alone with him, but right now she cant!

You're at breaking point and of course you're not unreasonable.

Your partner is failing you big time but I suspect he's conditioned as the child of a narcissist.

Your mil is going through some health crisis of her own. She needs help for it. Try to encourage your partner to suggest counseling or GP.

You need to emotionally withdraw from this. You do hold all the cards. The child is yours.

Sit down with your partner once you have managed to switch off the emotions a little. Forget the mil problem and speak about the relationship between you. It sounds like you're both giving up and you need to be aware of it. Hopefully you'll both want to fix it. The mil shouldn't feature in this at all.

Make appointments to see your friends. Fight for your life, you're a free person. Keep your schedule full so there's only an hour here it there, at your convenience. Then breezily facilitate contact. Stop engaging with the game. Ignore tears or say something inconsequential but vaguely kind like "above the clouds the sun is always shining!" Hard to villify someone who is detached but helpful and kind. I would meet anger from other family members with low key, kind, disinterest "What a shame, it seems like a tricky adjustment, I'm not sure what else I can do as life is busy but perhaps she would benefit from talking about her feelings with a counselor".

@KMoo22 I’m concerned about your Mil’s behaviour but more so at your DP saying that YOU need to leave your home.

It’s great you have a great relationship with your DM and as you say she’s been supportive of you without interfering.

@Thornethorn i dont think she really cares if we broke up as she knows my partners a lazy toad and would leave his mum to do it all for him!

Im just the vessel that carried and the nurse that wets his mouth in her eyes. The good bits should be for her, it took long enough to drill it into them he's breast fed and not bottle fed, then the part of the parents should get the enjoyment and joy of watching him take first steps etc, thats not for the grandparents to get first. Its so difficult explaining too her that shes a grandparent not a second mother and she doesn't need to live up his backside and mother her sons son just because she knows he'd let her if I weren't earth side!

Her behaviour is NOT AT ALL NORMAL. Don’t leave your baby with this woman.

You honestly need to grow a massive pair of mum balls and put these people in their place, or your life is going to be hell. Tell them off for acting like children and be very strict with them. They respect your boundaries as a mum or they stay away!

Stop being scared of them and make them scared of you so they bloody behave themselves! That includes FILs messages condoning frankly insane behaviour.

Your husband is totally failing you, and I wouldn't let my baby anywhere near this lunatic. Her behaviour is simply not normal. Not only is it invasive, it's threatening. Her refusing to hand back your baby, literally walking away repeatedly from you, is inexcusable.

I wouldn't be seeing her at all and neither would my child.

And build your life up away from these people!! Go out with friends, lots of baby play dates - separate you and your babies daily lives from these people. Be too busy for their bullshit.

You have a partner issue . . .

Be less available.. Book up for things to do with dc. Swimming /baby clubs etc. When she cries tell your dp the dc needs these things. And you need to see people your own age.

Can anyone explain DP, and stuff?!

Im so confused 🤣

Dp is your dear partner!! Who imo isn't being that great here!! Close to dm he may be but you and your feelings need to be his priority here...

How has it come to the point where your DH has told you to leave?

Do you think you are focusing your anger on her instead of on him? Because really she is irrelevant. She has no rights. But your DH does and if you don't trust him to support you, that, I suspect, is what's causing your anxiety.

I'm with your Mum, it insane.

My advice is to stop being available at all. No way would I be seeing someone who acted like this over my child. Your husband needs to buck up his ideas before his passivness allows some harm to come to your child.

PS. I'm heading towards the menopause, it's no excuse for this crap.

Frankly I would let her have it both barrels.

Back off. Your behaviour is suffocating and you're really getting on my nerves. My baby, my rules, and if you don't like it, tough.

@EthicalNonMahogany he's not a bad dad thats one thing i can say.

But his excuse is my mum was always caring for me, so shes capable of caring for him. He's very hands off when shes about, BECAUSE she's always wiped his backside for him and picked up after him (which i don't).

His family hate that im independent, i feel quite vulnerable at times as before pregnancy I was so fiery and feisty. I got pregnant and mellowed and lost my fire with it!

But that doesn't explain him telling you to leave or not sticking up for you. you need to make your disapproval worse for him than her disapproval.