Pregnant with child 3 at 43 and not sure I want to be

[backtothegrindstone]

Hubby and I have two fantastic boys, aged 8 and 6. Our family is really happy and we all get along really well. I always sort of thought I wanted a third, but struggled to get it together after baby 2, went back and forth on the idea for ages and couldn't decide. When we finally decided that we would like a third, I was already 40 and youngest was 3 years old. I though I'd get pregnant straight away like I did with the others. But it didn't happen. And didn't happen and didn't happen. I'm now 43 and had it in the back of my mind that it'd never happen and my time was done, so whilst we continued to half-heartedly try for child 3, I'd really all but given up on the idea.

Anyway, I found out I'm pregnant yesterday and now I'm freaking out. When there was a 3 year age gap and i was just 40 it just seemed like a continuation of the family we had, but now there will be a nearly 7 year age gap between the baby and my youngest, and 9 years between baby and eldest by the time it is born. It suddenly hit me that I'll be 65 by the time the baby leaves university. And it really all feels completely like starting again. I don't think I'd realised just how nice life had become, how much easier everything is now, that we can travel and have wonderful trips and that my boys are the best of friends, until it suddenly looks like it could all change. And now I'm just not sure I want to have another baby any more.

I get the regular nostalgic sentimental longings to have tiny baby cuddles and be needed more again that I'm sure lots of us get when our kids start to grow. I was so sure I wanted another baby until it happened. But then it happened and I felt torn in two. And now I feel heartbroken because i'm not sure that going through with this is the right thing to do. I just don't know if I can do this all again now.

I'm so scared if I decided to end the pregnancy that I'll regret it, but I'm also so scared that if I proceed with the pregnancy I'll end up regretting it too, and it seems like such a big thing to regret. I don't know what to do. I can't stop crying. What do I do?

I've weighed up what we'll gain versus what we'll lose and I think we just lose too much

I think this is the crux of it.
It doesn’t matter how many people on here tell you how having a third worked out ok for them and that the siblings dote on them. That’s their life, not yours.
It sounds like a third would impact too negatively on your family dynamic and your future.

I wish you well and hope you can move forward without guilt knowing you made the best decision for your family.

@backtothegrindstone
I’m not judging you at all. I wish you all the very best, and hope you make the decision that’s right for you and your family.

Thank you @TwilightPeace I think sometimes you don't realise what wonderful things you already have until something comes along that might change them. I think I can actually go forward with great gratitude and positivity as it's really made me count my blessings.

Thanks @RickOShay

@dododotheconga there's always one

I think dodododtheconga has a point
And in the future you obviously will take more care I hope! but I can see why this happened
But you are in a position now to make the decision and it needs to be the right one but obviously you will always have pros and cons and probably regrets with whatever you choose to do

I have been trying to get pregnant for 2 years now and in the last 6 months I've had 2 miscarriages of it goes on like this I will have to stop trying as I don't want a huge age gap between my DD and a baby and I don't want too be too old either
I have a small age gap with my brother and a large almost 10 years with my sister
I don't talk to my brother I talk to my sister everyday and I could tell her anything she also looked out for me alot when I was younger

Yeah I don’t think OP needs to be told to be more careful in future.

All the best OP, glad you are able to find positivity in the situation

I'm just a bit older than you and had a pregnancy scare, I was scared stiff - I don't want to be worrying about nappies, school places etc , I actually want to retire at some point, ideally 60. Nobody will judge you here, we get it - it's not just about money, bedrooms etc. Do you have the emotional capacity to start again? Only you know that

But it's not a pregnancy scare @okiedokieme. The OP wanted to get pregnant and actively tried to get pregnant. It's only now that she IS pregnant that she's actually considered the reality of it. Honestly, I think it's really irresponsible behaviour for a mother of two in her 40s.

It's lucky I don't give a flying fuck what judgemental sanctimonious people like you think then isn't it @dododotheconga Thankfully there are tolerant, liberal and frankly, kinder people than you out there. Please go back to the dark ages where you belong and let the grown ups have a proper conversation.

I'd have much more tolerance for your situation if you had accidentally found yourself pregnant to be honest.

Do you have anything useful to add to this thread or did you just come on to be judgy and sneer at the OP?

@TwilightPeace 🙏

@dododotheconga being a grown up is accepting that we're not all perfect and that people make mistakes. Being a grown up is not saying'i told you so' or sneering that you're better than others. Being a grown up is being kind and tolerant. My children are more grown up than you seem to be.

I had my now 9 month old at 42 - my youngest was then 11 and oldest nearly 17. I had all the same thoughts and worries as you have expressed but further into the pg I got the more they disappeared. I feel so lucky now to have my bonus baby and feel sorry for 40 years olds without tinies!

How are you doing OP? backtothegrindstone
I've been following this thread and wondering how you are.

I think it is worth just considering why you didn't use contraception. You are clearly a very bright,capable person, it's the work of minutes to have ensured this couldn't happen. Something meant you didn't do that. I know you have considered a lot of things you don't want to lose and it's your choice to make, just make sure you give weight to everything you have to consider.

I am the third of 3 girls.. i am 29, my sisters are 49 and 51... my mum was 40 when she had me.. i was a "surprise" lol ....as far as im aware, they were happy they had me and said i kept them young lol.. me and my sisters are very close now we are all adults together and my parents are now 69 and 71 but are young at heart xx only you can make the decision x

@pandafunfactory we had tried for a third child after our second, but nothing ever happened so I truly though the ship had sailed to be honest. But also I think because we had wanted a third when we were younger and our other kids were younger, we never really stopped to think about it again- we just blithely carried on, not actively trying but not actively preventing either. Because I didn't think it'd happen, I never spent any time analysing whether my feelings had changed. But the night after getting the positive test I didn't sleep a wink and spent the whole night in tears because I was (and still am) suddenly absolutely sure that I didn't want to do it anymore. I don't know if others spend their whole lives in self analysis about things they don't think will happen, but truthfully I'd just given little further though to it up to that moment. But in that moment the feeling that I didn't want to go back there now was so strong and so overwhelming. That doesn't mean I'm not sad- I wish it'd come years ago when that was the right life stage for us. I wish I wasn't in this position and didn't have to make this decision. But I am. And I'm painfully aware that I'm 43, I'll be 44 when the baby is born. And that whilst others have had babies happily at this age, it isn't what I want. I don't want to be the mum everyone thinks is the gran- I already feel like the older one on the school run. I don't want to have to work till I'm 65 (I'd planned to retire at 55), I don't want 12 more years of hideous primary school drops. I want to finish my PhD, have fun with my boys as they grow into amazing young men, and I'd like a chance of a third age where I get some time after the kids grow up to do some more living. It feels selfish to even consider bringing a child into the world when it's not dearly wanted, when I'll be too old, too busy, too distracted, too unhappy for it to be truly cherished. It may be the right thing for others (and I wish them all the best) but I feel at peace with my decision that it's not right for me.

@WorriedMummy2020 thanks for your kindness. I'm doing ok thanks. I'm fairly certain that we won't carry on and I'm feeling a little sad about it, but truly I'm at peace with the decision. I've spent a lot of time trying to visualise different scenarios but I simply can't visualise returning to that life stage again. I appreciate your thoughts xx

At the end end of the day you’ve got to do what’s right for you and your family

I’m pregnant now and I’ll be 49 when this one is 16 to me that’s the end of baby line I have other beautiful children and like you
I’m not wanting to do school runs in my late 50s I want to be able to enjoy my life when my children are grown up

Want to travel want to be free no screaming tantrums etc my oldest is 17 now and I’ve been apparent For a long time I love children but you definitely need to draw a line somewhere

Hi @backtothegrindstone…. Do you mind me asking what decision you made in the end?

Sure. I had a chemical termination in the end. Never regretted it for a moment.

Thank you for your reply @thematic.

So glad you made the decision that was right for you and your family

Only you can decide.