Hubby and I have two fantastic boys, aged 8 and 6. Our family is really happy and we all get along really well. I always sort of thought I wanted a third, but struggled to get it together after baby 2, went back and forth on the idea for ages and couldn't decide. When we finally decided that we would like a third, I was already 40 and youngest was 3 years old. I though I'd get pregnant straight away like I did with the others. But it didn't happen. And didn't happen and didn't happen. I'm now 43 and had it in the back of my mind that it'd never happen and my time was done, so whilst we continued to half-heartedly try for child 3, I'd really all but given up on the idea.
Anyway, I found out I'm pregnant yesterday and now I'm freaking out. When there was a 3 year age gap and i was just 40 it just seemed like a continuation of the family we had, but now there will be a nearly 7 year age gap between the baby and my youngest, and 9 years between baby and eldest by the time it is born. It suddenly hit me that I'll be 65 by the time the baby leaves university. And it really all feels completely like starting again. I don't think I'd realised just how nice life had become, how much easier everything is now, that we can travel and have wonderful trips and that my boys are the best of friends, until it suddenly looks like it could all change. And now I'm just not sure I want to have another baby any more.
I get the regular nostalgic sentimental longings to have tiny baby cuddles and be needed more again that I'm sure lots of us get when our kids start to grow. I was so sure I wanted another baby until it happened. But then it happened and I felt torn in two. And now I feel heartbroken because i'm not sure that going through with this is the right thing to do. I just don't know if I can do this all again now.
I'm so scared if I decided to end the pregnancy that I'll regret it, but I'm also so scared that if I proceed with the pregnancy I'll end up regretting it too, and it seems like such a big thing to regret. I don't know what to do. I can't stop crying. What do I do?