5 children and want 6th child

[SandyN89]

Hi everyone please be kind with your comments. Thank you

I have 4 children with my ex partner of 14years and I was in a domestic violence situation since I 16years. Started off with controlling etc and then went on to physical. Any short story he ran off with a co-worker and made sure he agreed it was a mutual break up otherwise he would manipulate me to get back with him. He got his new girlfriend the co-worker pregnant within a month of being with her. Which is fine doesn't bother me. I got engaged within a year and married a year later and got pregnant same year and had baby same year. I have 5kids in total now. My husband this is his first biological child and he has always wanted 2 kids. Now we are currently trying for or 6th child and my baby is only 6months. My question is am I crazy to have another so soon and it being my 6th. I'm turning 31 and always stated I want all my kids before I'm 35. But I feel I want this child but when I say out loud I will be a mother 6 I feel stupid and crazy.

If you and your husband feel you have the time, energy (and money!) to devote to another child, then it is nobody else's business. Do what is right for you and your family.

you must be rich to be able to afford that. I'm struggling to justify a second but if you can and every child has enough time and attention from you both then why not.

How much time do you get with your older children? Their lives have changed rapidly

Did you ever do the Freedom programme OP? According to your dates you moved on extremely quickly and I would be worried that you haven't had time to process the DV or give your children time to adjust. I know that wasn't your question but in having another one it shouldn't be whether it seems crazy or not, but whether or not you have the time, finances, space, emotional headspace. How will a 6th child impact on your existing children in terms of bedrooms/car/resources?

Thank you for all the responses. I'm a student but go college twice a week and full time mum. We have movie nights on the weekends and alternate to family games etc. And each child had there time weather it's homework or having fun in what they want to do. Weekends 3 of my children go to there dads. The oldest doesn't speak to his dad so he with me all the time and my other child. My mother lives 2hours away and I don't have a relationship with my ex partners family as he told them so many lies about me. My current husbands family due to cultural and religion differences we don't speak. I've known my current husband for 11years and we have been best friends for all that time. I never saw him more than a best friend till I left my ex partner and he was the only person who was there for me and got me out the bad relationship with my ex. We are currently looking for a new property and looking into trading our new car for van. My partner has his own business and is doing very well. I'm opening up my own business hopefully by the end of this year. We very busy with 5 children but we do so much together a day family. Even when some of my children go to my ex partners. Holidays during half term ain't east and are expensive but we have up and go for 2weeks to my country every 2years.

I would concentrate on what your children need and not what you want

After the DV I had counselling, medication etc it all didn't work. But I never blamed myself for what happened to me but my husband pushed me to believe in myself and told me I did everything I could to make it work and that I'm brave. He encourages me and will drop what he's doing to ensure I'm okay and happy. He's very patient with me. And love the way he has taken my 4 children in like there his own. And does so much for them. I wouldn't be the way I am today if it wasn't for my husbands love and patience with me. But I was over my ex partner 5years before we broke up. I had given up on trying to change and motivate someone who didn't want to change. I just wanted my children to be happy and not feel intimidated with mine and my ex partners relationship.

My children have known my husband since 2years and 1month and the other 2 since they were in my belly. My ex partner has done so much in front of my children that my oldest doesn't want nothing to do with his father. I've tried to build a relationship with both of them but his dad doesn't want to know so I've decided to leave it alone after 3years. His father I think has disowned him because he has his own mind and can't manipulate him like the other 3

@Murraygoldberg I have been giving my children what they need. They are loved and given attention etc. Including spending one on one time with them from what ever they want to do. Especially my oldest children since the situation with my ex affect led them the most 3years ago. They are in a lot better place and much happier. Even my husband spends one on one time with them to build a better relationship and to try an improve it.

Tbh op i have 5 dc and i think once you get past 3 it not much different (unless you have an obscene amount or any with additional needs!)

Do you have space for another child?

@THATscurryfungeBITCH I don't have any with additional needs. But yes once you pass have 3 children the schedule hasn't changed for me. My husband drops the children to school and I pick them up after school. He works from home unless he has meetings. I go college on Monday and Tuesdays. The weekends are family time, unless my husband needs to work but has time for us all evenings if he is. We have a 3 bedroom house. My 2 oldest sleep in the same room and my two youngest in there room. And my 6months old is in our room. But currently looking for another home. Trying to get a 4-5 bedroom currently. We have 3 cars at the moment and getting rid of 2 to buy a van.

Honestly I think you have enough children. I’m sure you’re a great mum and you would be to another but 5 children is a lot, they need a lot of time and attention to grow up happy, well rounded people. My mum remarried when I was 9 and went on to have two more making me one of six children and I found it really hard. My siblings and I felt very pushed out by the new ones and although we love them we definitely felt separate to our mum and step dad and “their children”. Also, and I don’t mean to sound like a tin foil hat wearer, the carbon footprint of having a child is enormous. We should all be doing everything we can to help climate change. So I really wouldn’t, I have 4 with my ex husband and although I’m remarried (3 years) we won’t be having any more as it’s important for me to focus on the ones I have!

How old are your children?

I personally think six children is excessive. One, the environmental impact and two how can anyone possibly give each child enough one to one time or attention? Especially if you're studying or working.

No one needs to have six children. I'd prioritise the five I already have rather than diluting your resources further by adding more.

Considering your age I'm assuming they're all under 16.

Honestly I think they really need you. Two tiny ones will absorb so much of your time and could stoke up some pretty unhappy feelings from your older kids.

I think their needs should be prioritised than your want to have finished having babies by 35. If in a few years when everyone is older you both still want another baby you can, there's nothing to suggest you wouldn't be able to post-35. Even if you can't, I think your children's emotional needs should be put before your partner's desire to have 2 children. You have lots of time.

From your responses I can't help but feel you are more interested in opinions that validate your decision though.

Don’t. You have enough kids already.

For health reasons a slightly bigger gap is better. I would wait maybe another 6-12 months. To put it into context I had my last baby accidentally at 40 and it was a very easy pregnancy and birth.

I have just had Baby 7 (one week) my other kids are 17, 15, 13, 11, 10 and 3 (nearly four). I wouldn’t do it whilst you have such a young baby. My first five were all little together - we then had a six year gap until my little boy. The last four years with him have been amazing - and it made me regret a bit having the others so close together and not appreciating them all properly when they were so little. You never get the time back. This little baby was a (happy) accident and I’ve got sterilised. I am worried about impact on my 3 year old - the other kids are a lot older and very excited about having a baby, as they are out at school all day, clubs, sports and socialise with friends. I would enjoy your baby and allow your older children to enjoy them as mine have done and wait and see if you want another in three or four years time - you have loads of time. 35 is just an artificial age you have in your head. Good luck 😉

You and your husband sound absolutely lovely and it looks like your children are loved and well looked after.

Go for the 6th one if you can. Nobody's business but yours. You don't need permission from MNetters on here. Good luck.

I have 13year old, 11year old, 6year old, 4year old and 6months old. Yes you can devote your time and attention to all children properly. They can all be loved and treated equally. If humans were not able to do it. Why do we have teachers, etc if we couldn't do it. It's how you use your time and effort. Humans have a habit of selling themselves short on life. Anything is possible in life just have to push yourself and go out and get it. I'm not asking people to tell me what to do. I'm asking for people's opinions so I can balance out my pros and cons on having another baby. I want to be thinking clearly with my husband and yes I know there is consequences to every choice we make in life and it ain't going to be easy making the right choice. I could be wrong to have another child or I could be right. Money isn't an issue or space as those things can be fixed. I am grateful for everyone's opinion and time to respond. All my children have a jar and write post it notes on how they are feeling and can put the note in there jar whenever they want if they can't come and approach me and prefer to write it. Especially my oldest now he's in secondary school and the strained relationship with his dad. I can't fix that but can encourage communication and build on his mental strength to talk through his feelings. I balance my 24hours appropriately as life is too short to waste it. My 24hours are my children and husband. I social and spend time alone and with my other family twice a month as they have there own families.

@potter5 Thank you. All I want is to balance my pros and cons as bring a another child into the world isn't simple. And it ain't no different having a pet. Once you make that decision you are there through it all. Life isn't easy. I have my own orphanage in my country for woman who have been raped and have children so young and children without parents. I have no help from any sponsorships as I don't want them. I don't ask people for money as I don't need it. This isn't a business it's to give back to my country. My children are apart of it and we ensure we go out as a family buy toys for the children and I get my children to give them the toys to interact with them.

My children were spoiled at a young age due to my ex partner and grandmother giving them what ever they wanted. But I put a stop to all that once I left my ex partner. They give back so much to the world and they encourage there friends to help out.

I'm not trying to blow my own trumpet but we do our best to give back as much as possible when we are taking from the world.

Teenagers can take up quite a bit of time and also need a large amount of parental support. They can also cost quite a bit of money and you may have to help fund university, so something to bear in mind.

I wouldn't have another child, as I think 6 children is excessive, and I can't see how you can devote enough time to each child.

@Pebstk thank you for your response wow that's amazing. The reason I want to have all my children before 35 as I don't want to be a parent past that age it's a massive toll on your body when you get older. Not saying that women can't cope just for my preference I prefer before 35. I can understand having a child after just having another one has a toll on your body as well and waiting would be a better choice for at least another 6-12months.

You have very similar ages to me op!

Mine are

12, 10, 6, 3 and almost 6 months!

@THATscurryfungeBITCH wow what a coincidence. Congratulations on your 6month old.

As a child of a large family I'd say don't.