Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Larger families

Find out all about large family cars, holidays and more right here.

Original poster

Terrified of termination please help! 3rd pregnancy

35 replies

Bessieart · 12/02/2020 13:52

I am 31 and have two children already, DD has just turned 9 and DS has just turned 6. We feel complete as a family and life is lovely just as it is however I found out 2 weeks ago I’m pregnant and I am terrified of either scenario. I am a sensitive person and a born worrier. I found my self unexpectedly pregnant with my daughter 10 years ago and i decided in the end I couldn’t have a termination. I fear I am not strong enough to handle going through it and worry that I will he heart broken and regret it however thinking about going back to the beginning and how it would change the balanced dynamics of the family also scares me. I have a termination booked in 2days and I’m panicking. Any advise of similar situations would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
mothersc · 12/02/2020 14:00

How far along are you? I had a unplanned pregnancy terminated and was absolutely terrified, cried for weeks before. It was fine, obviously it isn't a nice thing to have to do but it wasn't particularly painful and I knew then and I definitely know now that it was the right decision for me. I say it maybe effected me mentally for around a year afterwards, I thought of it and felt really guilty but now a few years down the line I do feel at peace with my decision, I know it was the right one for me and I don't regret it. I was 8 weeks when I had the termination. It was the tablets one... was given one tablet in hospital and then one to take at home. Hope you come to the right decision for you

BigButtons · 12/02/2020 14:04

Sorry you are on this position/ it’s a truly awful one to be in. Be prepared to feel emotionally vulnerable for a while afterwards. There’s no easy way round this one 🙁

Redwinestillfine · 12/02/2020 14:07

If you're feeling this conflicted now then cancel the appointment. You need to be 100% sure before doing something so irreversible. Take some time and maybe get some counseling. What does your DH think?

ChainsawBear · 12/02/2020 14:17

Are you having a medical or surgical termination? I found surgical to be quick and straightforward.

The hormones do make you feel volatile and vulnerable for a while afterwards but if you are choosing a termination voluntarily the odds are strongly that you will be able to move on and not regret it. Most women aren't tortured for life about it by any means.

What do you truly want? How would you feel if you found you were miscarrying?

BlueEyedFloozy · 12/02/2020 14:23

Do you have time to reschedule the appointment and arrange counseling beforehand?

It sounds like you haven't fully made your mind up, it's not something to be done on a snap decision (probably the wrong term as I'm sure you've tied yourself up thinking about it) and discussing it with someone impartial might clear your thoughts a bit.

Whether it be to put your worries at rest or to reassure you that a termination is right for you and yours. Whatever you decide be kind to yourself.

Original poster
Bessieart · 12/02/2020 15:03

Thank you so much for replying. I will be roughly 6 weeks on Friday I’ve known for two weeks on Friday as well and all I feel is anxious. My husband has similar concerns to myself but has said he will support me either way... I’ve had two counseling sessions with Marie stopes so far and they are really good I always feel much calmer after speaking to them but not much clearer... I have one more tomorrow before the procedure on Friday... I would really love to be able to feel excited about this go through the whole experience again however I fear that I’m just remembering that time in my life and we’ve done it all now and out the other side. I don’t want to make life difficult for all of us and worry about the impact it will have on us as a family... I think if I was to have a miscarriage I would feel sad and just think maybe it wasn’t meant to be?

I dont feel like I can reschedule my appointment because it’s half term next week and I couldn’t possibly go through it with my children around they already know somethings wrong and keep telling me they love me and saying I look so sad 😢 then we have a ski holiday booked a week after half term and I’ve been told I can’t exercise for two weeks after the procedure, if I leave it until after the holiday I’d be 9 weeks and feel it’s unfair for the pregnancy to develop further and it might be more traumatic for me the bigger it is... 😔

OP posts:
ChainsawBear · 12/02/2020 17:43

Ultimately nobody can make this decision for you. All you can do is follow your heart and trust yourself. You also may never feel 100% sure one way or the other, and that is OK. I still feel a little sad thinking of the parallel universe in which I didn't have a termination. But I also don't think about it very often, and I think I made the right decision.

It sounds trite, but sincerely: best of luck, and I hope you make the right choice for you.

WombOfOnesOwn · 13/02/2020 15:17

It sounds to me like you feel like you need permission to keep this pregnancy.

Three children isn't the end of the world. You may be surprised how "balanced" things stay, if your first two children have settled in nicely with each other. There's nothing unusual about the age gap, or the number of siblings.

If you don't want a termination, don't get one. I'm the most pro-choice person I know (see my user name!), but that means you can make the choice of your heart if that's what you want.

If there are genuine practical reasons that this child would simply break you financially or mentally, even though you did "come out to the other side" just fine with your existing kids, then go to your appointment by all means! But if your heart is telling you that what you really want is to do this, and commit to it...then do that, and tell the children there's a sibling on the way.

Original poster
Bessieart · 16/02/2020 16:08

I cancelled my app but still feeling incredibly anxious 😔 so confused

OP posts:
Glassio · 16/02/2020 16:15

Did you any particular difficulties with your first two that you are worried about happening again? You say life is good etc so it sounds like you could be a lovely family with 3 if you wanted to be.

Redwinestillfine · 16/02/2020 18:32

Flowers sorry you're going through this op, be kind to yourself. Taking a step back was brave.

AAA89 · 16/02/2020 18:40

This was me in December when I found out I was pregnant with my 3rd! I spent weeks agonizing over what to do as i was so set on just having 2 but here i am 13 weeks and know i have made the right choice. I'm still scared of what's to come but I think that's a natural feeling to have, I'm getting booked in to have my tubes tied after the birth dont want any more surprises lol
Whatever you decide take the time to care for yourself Flowers

Original poster
Bessieart · 16/02/2020 19:47

Thank you so much ladies, I just feel so alone 😢 and frightened... i just want my anxiety to disappear and don’t know how to make it better. I am a bit of a perfectionist and feel what I have is perfect and don’t want to turn our lives upside down and I’m scared that it will be such hard work and I want to give my all to the two I already have. My husband doesn’t want anymore and although he says he will support me either way I feel he might resent me if we struggle to cope... we are currently living in rented and about to start building a house and only have planning for 3 bedrooms so we would need to try and resubmit for a fourth as DH doesn’t want two sharing (even though ours are inseparable and share out of choice but have a bedroom each) but guess it might be more of a problem when they become older and need there own space with age gap... just can’t help thinking what am I doing it doesn’t seem sensible 😔

OP posts:
Original poster
Bessieart · 16/02/2020 19:47

Their*

OP posts:
TreesSandSea · 16/02/2020 19:51

Our third was a ‘surprise’ when the next oldest was 5.

He’s totally made the family. You’ll work out the space thing. It took us at least 6 months to get our head round our unexpected 3rd pregnancy

Best of luck

Original poster
Bessieart · 16/02/2020 20:00

Ps my little boy has literally just asked for a baby 🤦🏼‍♀️ Feel like they have a 6th sense!

OP posts:
Original poster
Bessieart · 16/02/2020 20:01

Maybe my hormones have a part to play in this which is why I’m scared I can’t think straight and will make the wrong decision...

OP posts:
dwum · 16/02/2020 20:13

I have never been more pro choice than since I became a parent.

I felt like this with my surprise. I spoke to my doctor who advised me to think very carefully as it was one of life's biggest decisions. I couldn't make the decision, so the pregnancy went ahead. I was worried I would regret a decision, but I cried throughout a lot of the pregnancy. My mum and DH were constantly reassuring me that everything would be ok, in the end.

He's now 5 and amazing, and our family is definitely complete. I know that this is just my experience and others may have had different, but I just wanted to add my tuppence worth.

We did take permanent measure to make sure there would be no more though!

Please do talk things through with your DH. Only you can decide what is right for you, for you both, and your family. Courage. Thanks

Elieza · 16/02/2020 20:33

Once you make up your mind for sure no going back you will be less anxious. It’s the worry about making the right choice that’s the stressful thing.

If you get a termination it’s just a few pills. No biggee. However the guilt and wondering did I do the right thing seems to eat away at some people. Others not at all as they knew it had to be done as that was the right thing to do in their particular circumstances.

Re your housing situation, an extra bedroom won’t be required for ages so that’s not a worry for years. Money is though. Can you afford another child? Would you lose a lot of money if you don’t work and are on mat pay? Would you be living in a building site with the baby?

You need to talk to your husband more and come up with thoughts about how you’d manage if you had it. If you can’t manage then decision made. If you can though perhaps that’s the way to go.

Oh and then one of you gets the snip!

Hepsibar · 16/02/2020 20:37

Whatever decision you choose will be fine. If you have the baby then there will be times you regret it and conversely if you have a termination there will be times you regret it. Ultimately we humans are extremely adaptable and have so much to do we just rumble on taking all these issues in our stride. Good luck and best wishes whatever happens.

lvra · 18/02/2020 15:42

Hope you are ok. Whatever you decide will be the best for you and your family. I have recently been in a similar position and I know what it is like to question yourself so much! Whatever you decide it'll work out for the best for you and your family I'm sure.

Original poster
Bessieart · 18/02/2020 16:33

Just wish I could be at peace with a decision 😔

OP posts:
lvra · 18/02/2020 18:42

I couldn't make a final decision, I'm now 33 weeks pregnant 🙈 once my husband got his head around it he became a lot more excited, and our children also can't wait. Good luck with your decision!

Original poster
Bessieart · 18/02/2020 20:21

Aww that’s lovely! I would love more than anything for us all to be excited by this and I am hoping that we all manage to get our head around a decision soon. I feel better again after a counselling session this evening with Marie stopes they have been incredible with me so far. She said she was hearing that I was still very 50/50 but marginally more towards keeping and that maybe if my husband had been thrilled by the idea the reassurance may have helped me. I’m going to give myself more time I’m only 7 weeks, I said I felt guilty the more time that goes by and the bigger it gets but she assured me that the embryo has no feelings and doesn’t know it exits and not for a while yet which made me relax a bit. Thanks so much for all your replies xx

OP posts:
Pastaagain78 · 18/02/2020 20:36

I have the same age gaps. It was fine and the older children enjoyed helping with the baby. The first couple of years were logistically more tiring. It is totally your choice. I found it helpful to think about what does it look like in 10
Years? The baby bit does pass quickly and as I said to DH, people go to prison for a few years and start a new life. If you feel terminiation is the best choice for your family then that is ok. If you feel long term that it is not then that is ok too. Thinking of you