Anyone got any tips on how to decide whether to have a third baby?

[Isthreeacrowd]

I know it's completely personal and everyone's circumstances and reasons are different but I wondered if anyone has any pearls of wisdom to share?

I have a 6yo DD and a 3yo DD who will be 4 in May. Husband works away a lot which will mean a lot of work for yours truly. Husband would def have another but there is no pressure from him whatsoever and decision is completely mine. I am going round in circles thinking of all the pros and cons and sometimes I am totally for it and other times I wonder whether it will be too hard to go back again just as life is getting easier child rearing wise. I even try to go with my gut instinct but this changes with the hour too!

I just don't know how to finally make the decision. Help!

Also watching with interest!

I'm on #3 and it just felt right. I have a big gap between my first two (DS will be 8 and DD will be 2 when the baby is born this summer). After we made the leap to have another it was sort of like "this having more kids thing is fun! Let's do it again!" :)

I may even go for a fourth depending on what this baby is like...

My third baby suffered a birth injury and brain damage leading to cerebral palsy. She was quite different to the other two!!! Any child having additional needs is unexpected, but it made a big difference in our family. The other two were 18 mos and 3.5 when she was born on her due date at 9lbs, and the time she required (both while in special care and after discharge with many therapy appts a week) meant that my ability to parent a toddler and preschooler was crushed. We all got through it, but it wasn't how I envisioned having another baby was going to be. Sometimes life throws you a bit of a curve ball

These days I wish we had a fourth (without the medical negligence etc) - she would be a fabulous big sister.

To answer CoffeeChocolateWine re spreading yourself thinly, I'm not always able to concentrate on my older 2 as much as I would have before dc3 came along and their activities sometimes have to be curtailed to suit his needs. However, he also has to fit in with the rest of the family and has to wait for things because I'm dealing with the older 2 so it's a balancing act. I think what they lose in my 1:1 attention, they gain in the sibling relationships they have but of course they may be in counselling in 20 yrs time saying that I'm wrong!

Hi kavv, yes I am still pondering on a daily basis! Dd1 is now 6yo and dd2 is almost 3yo. I'm 32yo but would be 33 (minimum) by the time of the birth of another baby.

I'm sure 3 would be my limit, but the OP completely articulates lots of my thoughts. Just when I think I have the answer, another thing pops into my head changing my mind again!

Thank you Breakingthebank. I was chatting to a friend, who is a relatively new mum of 3 (youngest is 9 months), earlier today about this, and she said similar regarding what they miss in her 1:1 attention, they gain in their sibling relationships. And I can believe that completely.

I have a habit of really overthinking things, and I guess I worry that I won't be the mum I want to be to 3 children and that I would be a 'better mum' to 2 children than 3, simply because I'd have that bit more time it spend with each.

But then on the flip side, I'm one of four children and I know that I loved having lots of siblings and I have a wonderful relationship with each of them. I don't feel like I missed out from not having the 1:1 attention from my mum and dad because I never knew any different (I'm the youngest).

I'm to-ing and fro-ing as well, can you tell? When I overthink things I talk myself out of it, but then I feel another pull from my heart!

My three are 11, 9 and 4. Boy, boy, girl. DD is my second husbands first biological child.

DH was keen on four but i had multiple miscarriages before successfully carrying DD and felt a fourth would be too much.

The family dynamic works well but there are all sorts of little compromises with more children and a bigger age range.

Silly things like at Alton Towers DD wants cbeebies land and DS2 wants to be on the smiler.

Three room hotel rooms can be quite pricy and once you're beyond travel cot stage five in a travel lodge room is less of an option.

Free child/ kids eat free are typically one per paying adult and often the third has to be paid for at full adult rate.

DS1 and DD want cbeebies on the TV (DS1 is Autistic and has some areas of significant immaturity) DS2 wants CBBC.

We drive a 7 seater because DS1 can't sit near the others, he has boundary issues and we can get a friend or two in the car.

I have three DC at three different schools, its a headache. Next year it will be three at 2 schools then possibly go back to 3 at 3 if DD (autistic traits under investigation) doesn't cope in mainstream with DS2.

Due to ages and the Autism element own space is very important and so we have created own bedrooms for the children by carving up one room to make two small ones.

Giving children personal time takes effort with one more so with two and even more so with three. It eats into what was my personal time and being a mum is a bigger chunk of who I now am than I'd originally planned. This may be a personal failing/ partially having an additional needs child thing and not a three children thing. I hope that when DD starts school I can carve out a little time for finding me again.

They all play together really well. Minecraft works incredibly well across the ages and DD has a controller feels shes joining in with her big brothers. Games like mario kart work well too. They play as 2's as well. The boys have certain activities, DS1 and DD do varies games and DS2 and DD are generally very silly together.

I in no way regret having three. Its a completely illogical thing but very very rewarding.

I have two arms and one lap so we can easily snuggle up whilst i read bedtime stories.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. It's certainly a tricky one. My kids are on half term hol at the moment and on Monday they were hyper and squabbling and a flipping nightmare...my husband is away for work... And I though how on EARTH could I add a newborn into the mix? It would be a nightmare for all concerned. Mostly me.

And then

We have a lovely day today and the kids have been great....and bang! I think OK maybe I could. I think I have to give it some time as I am so up and down on the issue. There are so many pros and so many cons...as many of you have said, totally head versus heart. And I am not one of these women who desp wants more babies or def doesn't
....

I'm the same as you crowd: dds 1&2 took all of my pining and desperation for a baby (dd1 took almost a year to conceive naturally and dd2 took 2y and 6 cycles of Clomid). I just don't think I have it in me anymore to really, desperately want another as I feel so very fortunate to have my two girls. That might be an odd thing to say, but I hope someone might understand.

Yet, I have horrible periods that are uncomfortable, give me sore boobs and make me moody for a while each month. If I was certain I didn't want any more children, I'd be straight there to see my practice nurse and arrange contraception that would also sort out my irritating periods!

So how do we decide?! Flip a coin?! I wish it were so simple...

That was supposed to be molotov

Crowd, I tried that a while ago. But, when my first flip came out as 'no', I decided to do a 'best of three' ...

Kind of defeated the object and didn't really help me!

crowd, not crowd

I'm the same, the dithering is driving me crazy. My main concerns are the middle child thing and spreading myself too thinly....... DS is 3 1/2 and DD is 2 1/2 and feisty (12 months apart) A few months ago I thought we'd decided no, I was happy with that (sort of)....... However, DH has just come back round to the idea of having number 3. He brought the subject up! I'm thinking with my head this time rather than hormones...... Leaning towards a yes, even though the kids have the chicken pox ;)...... So wish someone could decide for me!

Oh yes, me too! In that I could be pg and genuinely wonder 'how did that happen?!

That was in reply to Beanbag

I hope everyday for a happy accident, so the actual decision is taken out of my hands. That should prob tell me to go for it!

I've had another day of thinking 'yes'. And I've had a chat with DH about it. Going to see how I feel tomorrow hahaha.

It's such a big decision. DH said maybe I just shouldn't think too much about it. Another fiend who is preg with her third said the same...if you are indecisive you simply can't think too much about it or you will never say yes!

crowd I love a 'yes' day ;)

crowd, your 17:43 post was correct. I've been thinking, thinking, thinking about this since January 2014 The more I think, the less I decide.

And yes, Beanbag, us hoping for a happy accident is probably some way to saying 'go for it'!

I read a blogger who decided on her 4th by noting down how she/DH felt about another baby on a calendar every day for a month. At the end of the month there were more yes than no so they did it.

bulls that's a great idea they had! I'm going to do that in my diary. No point dh bothering as quite frankly, he's up for it and too bloody busy at work to do that!

Yep, definitely worth a go! Thank you for that idea

Hello all! Molotov I was just wondering how you were getting on!

I am 37 dcs 2&4. I'd decided to go for a 3rd last year. I was waiting for dh to reach the same decision which he did in November. so we've been ttc since. I have just realised though that I have a very short luteal phase (8 days). So I'm going to need help conceiving or just give up!

I had made my decision to go for the third but this problem has thrown a spanner in the works. Part of me wants it more now that I know it's harder and another part just wants to give up as I am spending way too much time obsessing over it all. Should I just enjoy the two I have and stop obsessing!?! I don't know.

Good luck to you all though!

Hi zippy, sorry to read your news. It must be doubly frustrating for you, as both you and your DH were decided. If I were you, I'd perhaps seek help re. your short luteal phase - but would give it a time-frame to get pg (say, 6 - 12m ).

Funny, I'm pretty good at giving advice to others yet haven't been able to talk any sense into myself this last year or so!

My dd1 recently turned 6yo and dd2 is almost 3yo. I dither more as the months pass by and have been feeling increasingly stressed out about it. But dh and I talked andhe admitted that he would really like to have another child and has done for a good few months. He said he thinks we should just try, because he is fearful that I will turn around in 2 years time (his timeframe, not mine!) and tell him I regret not trying sooner, or have left it too late.

So, I have doubts still (house move, giving birth, recovery, oh God, what if it's twins? I love my car and DO NOT WANT a 7-seater. I'm also like the OP where some days my girls are easy to care for and I'd breeze looking after a baby but there are other moments where I would like to hide from them in tje cupboard under the stairs) but I'm outvoted in our family: dh wants another; dd1 wants to be a BIG big sister and dd2 loves babies and would dote on a younger sibling, I'm sure.

And it's this which is seriously swaying me.