If you grew up in a big family.....

[DuggarMother]

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Also my husband is one of 6 and he had a lovely childhood, although he says he doesnt remember seeing him mum much, or even wanting to!! he says he had a great time playing with his siblings, he didn't need to spend ages doing stuff with his mum, i think that is something to think about actually, parenting has changed a lot the last few decades, and a lot of people think of attention as some kind of forced "lets do an activity" kind of thing, when really just being generally available to your children, looking after them and enjoying them is fine,

My older 3 disappear outside or upstairs for a couple of hours sometimes,building dens and running around pretending to be a cowboy or a pony or whoever. I don't know any single children that do that, they seem to want constant attention.

I'm one of 8, DH is one of 11 (although actually more but its complicated) and I have 5 DC. All our extended family have lots of children and growing up it was just the norm.

It certainly wasn't perfect, but I can't complain any more of less about my family than my friends who are only children or from smaller numbers of siblings.

We were always short of money and we were crammed into small accommodation with various members of family coming and going. We also at times had a bit of a feral existence and lived (and fought) like a gang. However I like all my siblings, we were all close growing up to varying degrees but are extremely close now. I see all of them on almost a weekly basis and we definitely chat more often than that. We're very involved in each others lives but I don't recognise not having enough time for friendships as I have great friends too. I think having lots of siblings helped me to make friends because I was able to deal with different personalities and found it natural to be tolerant. Maybe because we lived in a very deprived area and everyone around us had no money, I wasn't too conscious of that either, I always felt rich because we had so much stuff!

My children are much more spread out age wise, in that my youngest tis in primary school with the children of my eldest. Its different to my childhood but there is still a closeness.

The end of the line (although not the youngest) of double digits siblings.

We had a good childhood overall but I wouldn't do it.

Not enough time/attention, in adulthood LOTS of falling out. And though we never struggled financially us younger ones definitely got more materially as the older ones were working by then.

I'm my mum's only but dad had 3 others who lived with us on and off, we had lodgers and other kids staying loads (including my first cousin who lived with us and shared my room for 3 years) and I spent most school hols with cousins as either one of 8 or one of 5. When Dad re married I gained a step brother too. Loved it. I like having an open house and hoardes now, I have 3 dc's.

Pag

so true about "squeaky wheel gets the grease"

thanks for answering my question.

I only have a younger sister but I was never given the attention I craved by my parents either.
they just never had enough time to listen to me. or tried to hurry me and got annoyed if I didn't cut a long story short.
by the time I was 14 I stopped talking to them about anything that was important to me.

I actually hated them both for years for not caring enough to listen.
mums and daughters being best friends is an alien concept to me.

I'm very conscious about not shutting my down when they want to talk (even if I'm bored to tears about Minecraft or what Tommy said to the teacher) and I really worry they might feel I don't care about them at times I just can't listen (busy, thinking, on the phone, MNing)

but I tend to "go after them" and ask what it is they wanted to say. I think they appreciate that.

Well as the oldest I was expected to look after myself from a very young age. When I was 3 I was expected to get myself up, dressed, washed and teeth cleaned ready for nursery. I remember getting told off by the nursery teacher because I wasn't wearing knickers - I'd forgotten to put them on and was wearing a dress so it was noticeable as I sat crossed legged on the carpet. There were times I got told off because I wasn't dressed appropriately for the weather.

I had to take myself to the doctors when my eczema was bad - I think from age 9 or 10, because I think my mum couldn't face dragging all of us there unless it was life or death. As a result my eczema was chronically undertreated and I still have scarring now from it

We weren't short of money and we're encouraged to have hobbies, but we had to organise it all ourselves and take ourselves there and back. My parents didn't have to time to drop us off and pick us up from various clubs. I did gymnastics but no one came to watch me and had to get the bus back from town on my own at 8.30 at night aged 11. That's when I was groped by a man for the first time, so I quit gymnastics rather than take the risk of it happening again. Never told my mum.

I babysat for the younger ones from age 11.

I was expected to be grown up, mature, sensible, responsible - way beyond my capabilities really.

The youngest in the family says, and my mum agrees, that my parents had all but given up by the time he was born and he literally raised himself. He used to remember and pack his own PE kit for school from 4 years old because no one else was going to do it.

Our emotional needs were definitely ignored. Any emotion you claimed to have was denied "don't be silly" type of thing. I have absolutely no memory of my mum ever playing with us. All my memories are of us kids being alone in the lounge or garden, my mum was always in the kitchen I think. We were shooed away for being under her feet.

As older children we ran riot, my parents had no idea where we were most of the time. As teenagers we had complete freedom. I once stayed out all night aged 16 or 17 and my mum didn't even notice.

It was benign neglect taken to its extreme really.

This has really made me think. I remember my childhood as being very happy. I suspect that if I ask my older siblings about their childhood then their stories would be completely different to mine and my younger sister - there was far less money when they were young. My parents - dad in particular - always seemed to have time for us individually, however.

By the time I hit puberty I had a couple of older sisters with toddlers of their own to talk to about what was happening to me. Mum was menopausal and really struggling with her own hormones. I remember my teenage years being terribly tense. She was the sort of woman who never expressed her emotions and definitely didn't talk about bodily functions. It was quite a relief for both of us that I could talk to someone else about them.

I'm one of 5, I'm the oldest and the youngest is 13 younger than me. A pp mentioned something that I think holds for me. I had a shitty childhood, alcoholic, violent father - I guess my mum was pretty depressed, she lost my brother in a neo-natal death. I was used a lot as baby sitting/something I only realised when I became a parent myself.

I think our shitty childhood was helped by having five of us, but ultimately, our shitty upbringing brough varying levels of mental illness and addiction to us. Three of us bumble along, okay ish, however, two of us don't work due to mental illness. I do remember always loving having a big family.

I have four, all born within 5 years. I always wanted a big family too, didn't realise how bloody hard it would be! I love having 4 dcs, would like more but am too old, sterilised and just wouldn't cope!

I like these threads though, because of my shitty upbringing I actually don't know how proper families work. Yes, it largely intuitive, but not exclusively. I try for one on one, or two on two time, they are all too young to babysit each other. Money isn't an issue, they'll all have their own bedroom when they reach secondary school

Think it's not right to have large (3 plus) families. Over populated planet, not great for the children you do have. It seems selfish to me. My friend is one of 5 all have at least 3 kids apiece. They meet up once a year and hire a church hall no one has a house big enough. Everyone I know from a larger family has 2 max themselves which speaks volumes...

Attention wise things were different then, all the kids I knew were chucked out of the house during the holidays and only went back for their tea. There was much less expectation of individual attention in the way there is now. I didn't expect my parents to take me for lunch and the pictures because no one could afford to do that. But at the same time when I needed my parents they were always there and always remember our little nuances. I suppose siblings were available too so maybe I didn't need much from my parents? My overriding memory is wish that mum and dad would leave us alone to have fun!

Also as an adult its been very helpful to me. With my eldest son, his father walked out when I was pregnant, I was still young and I went back home. Inclusive of parents and grandparents, there were 18 people on hand to completely help and support me. I never struggled. Its like that with all of us, in that there is just so much support.I've never been short on childcare either and now as parents become older and our grandparents are very frail, we can share the care rather than it becoming a burden.

I'm not talking about nice lunches and trips to the cinema type attention. More like my parents failing to notice I had asthma, or failing to care, not sure which but either way I coughed and wheezed through out every winter of my childhood and no-one took any notice. My lungs never really recovered.

Oh and we were often really really horrible to each other. Siblings can be cruel and competitive especially when attention is scarce- and the nasty behaviour often went unchecked of course due to lack of supervision.

I'm one of 8 and I have 7. I did a lot of housework but that was because I was a girl, not because I was one of 8.

I don't get on with all my brothers and sisters, but my DC are very different personalities and get on like a house on fire. We have a lot of fun.

This is such an interesting thread. One of 5 here. Similar to many who've posted re lack of privacy and individual attention. Money was v tight so wasn't ever able to do things my friends could such as after school activities, only ever got new clothes when absolutely needed and always conscious to try not to ask for things. I still remember as a child being really worried about asking for 5p/10p to bring to school for whatever random thing it was needed for!

Of course money doesn't buy happiness but having 5 children in 8 years meant my parents really only had the time and energy to focus on paying the mortgage/bills and putting food on the table. Emotional support wasn't available. Also think I often felt "less than" my peers when I compared myself to them as a child.As the eldest girl I had a lot more responsibility than my friends,,at 10/11 it was my job to do the weekly shop after school!

I have 2 dc, wouldn't have minded a third but I wouldnt want my dcs to be part of a large family

to those who hated it, do you think it would of been different had there been less of you, or was it just the personality of your parents? Most of what i have read so far (excluding lack of space and money) sounds more like it was down to uninterested parents.

Kerala the world is not overpopulated,cities are.

Any emotion you claimed to have was denied "don't be silly" type of thing. I have absolutely no memory of my mum ever playing with us

Luckycharm you have really hit the nail on the head. And I consider my mum to be a very good and loving parent, but once we were out of the preschool stage I really don't think she knew what to do. I don't remember her playing with us, I don't remember her teaching me anything like how to bake, knit and sew (all stuff she was really good at). I barely even remember having a one to one conversation. I was much closer to my dad but that came later on when I was a teen, we were very similar and we had similar interests. I think he was also a good listener, my mum is not the best tbh.

Now I'm older with kids of my own, I don't really get why she decided to have so many, as she was always stressed, tired and lacking in money. It wasn't a contraception issue.

I'm close to my mum now, but that's because my dad passed away and not having any social circle, she really leaned on me. She's a great mum and I wouldn't swap her for the world but I really don't think she knows me at all.

to those who hated it, do you think it would of been different had there been less of you, or was it just the personality of your parents? a bit of both I suppose.

Plummyjam, my mother was just so but I was only one of 3 very spaced out. I wonder whether in fact it's not the number of siblings people have that makes for a happy/unhappy home and whether in fact it's just the whole parenting experience. My child hood was a seen and not heard kind of affair. I was very much the odd one out and yet I'm only 34. But you'd think I was brought up in the 50s not the 80s. I love my mum but not because she did anything amazing. Just because she was my mum. I begged her to teach me to crochet a few months ago but she's still too busy at nearly 70!

"to those who hated it, do you think it would of been different had there been less of you, or was it just the personality of your parents? Most of what i have read so far (excluding lack of space and money) sounds more like it was down to uninterested parents."

If I have posted anything at all to suggest that my parents were uninterested I hope someone will point it out so I can correct it.

My parents were devoted but 8 children is too many. IMHO

Spinning, you're right this is an interesting thread. It makes me wonder about my parents, because although I love them dearly and aside from little niggles can't fault them, I don't think of them as spectacular people. My mums great but she isn't Mother Theresa iyswim, same with my dad, I wonder if they just got lucky with our personalities in that we all got along, or because we come from a background of large families they knew what to do and what not to do?

I know that they made a conscious decision to stop at 8, because they wanted an even number and my mum said she felt that was what she could cope with. So maybe my parents just knew their limits and had the right amount of children for them.

I'd love to know what the difference is. Not to say we didn't fight or have periods of unhappiness, but why a family growing up down he road in very similar circumstances can have been so unhappy with it, whilst we weren't. Maybe it isn't tangible or explainable.

I didn't hate it, my childhood was fine really, but looking back it wasn't always that great, there were probably more tough times than fun times. I think the most difficult times for me were during the recession when we were really broke and had to move house a lot, when my older siblings were pain in the arse teenagers and when my mum became ill with a bad back. These are all factors that couldn't have been accounted for when my parents decided to have a big family.

GoodZing

Yes, yes - it about actively wanting to find out if they are ok. Being noisy about wanting them to tell you things in order to counter any instinct they may have to not be a problem..
And I shut DS1 down for a few years when I was struggling with DS2. We are all capable of unwitting neglect (for want of a much better phrase) given any pressure upon our time or emotional resources.

It awareness of that as a possibility which is the secret I think. Is that gibber... probably !

it really wasn't lack of interest for mine, just lack of time and money meaning they had to focus on all the practical stuff, never really any time to focus on us as individuals, encourage our interests, build our confidence etc. I know that they have certain regrets, look back and question could they have done better but probably a lot of parents do. They were young and just trying to do their best I guess

YY to what Pagwatch said about the attention issue. Getting into roles, definitely. My sister and I still have a relationship defined by her role as the older responsible one, and me being the younger pampered one (ha!)
And whoever it was who mentioned the "don't be silly" attitude...oh I could tell some stories about some of the things that were ignored but my stories would out me to any siblings on here!
Wow this thread is a bit like therapy. .scary!

My mum wasn't uninterested. She's a good mum and is great with her grandkids. I think she was a) knackered and b) overwhelmed. She had all her children very close I'm age, the smallest age gap is 22 months. She was constantly pregnant, breastfeeding, washing nappies and looking after little children for YEARS. Who wouldn't feel that way? And my parents chose to have a lot of children because they liked them - it wasn't forced on them. My mum was on the pill before they had children and my dad eventually got the snip so contraception wasn't an issue for them.