If you grew up in a big family.....

[DuggarMother]

Did you like it?

How do you feel about it now? Would you recommend it?

I was an only one and would have liked a brother or sister. But wouldn't want to have been part of a large family. As another poster has said not enough time or money or attention. It's grim.

I'm the youngest of 7. I have nieces and nephews around the same age as me because of the age spread with my siblings.

I loved it. Every Saturday the whole family with their families came to my mums for fish and chips, Christmas and New Year was all about extending tables, mix and match chairs and tons of food.

I miss it, since my parents died and we all grew up and went our own ways I think we only probably see each other on very special days and funerals now. Quite sad actually.

Didn't see your post Tracy. Glad you had a nice family,.

I wonder if it makes a difference why our parents had big families? I mean, if they planned it that way, or if it was a cultural pressure or lack of access to contraception? It was the latter in my parents' case - and in the climate if late 60s/early 70s rural Ireland with the place still in the death grip of Catholicism, I doubt many people were approaching children from the pov of whether they could afford to feed and clothe them, or even whether they wanted them. My mothers attitude to her own fertility etc was always maddeningly passive - other people always knew best.

But perhaps it's very different if the parents really wanted lots of children?

I have children. I have older ones that are all grown up and i have three young ones. Its fine but couldnt imagine having 6 all living in the same house!! People are shocked when i say how many children i have and ask me how i cope...but the others are older and independent. I have to hand it to those that have six all one after the other!! I am one of three. It was fine but four would have evened things out. I like having a big family.

*I have 6 children

Hated it growing up as there was no money, no privacy, and no one-to-one attention from either parent.

As an adult I think it's quite nice. I love them all for different reasons if that makes sense. And blood really is thicker than water.

But I would never have a big family myself. I couldn't bear feeling like I was neglecting any of my children.

Reading with interest as I have five. We're fortunate to be comfortably off, though running business can be stressful in addition. But it means we can fund activities, as many as they want, and holidays and nice clothes.

They're also home educated so they have my full attention. The eldest is late teens so it's not too difficult at all.

A friend of mine is one of ten. I've asked her how she liked that, I think she said it was interesting experience

I have 3 siblings. I hated it as a child as my older sister favoured my younger sister, older brother was jealous of everyone and my younger sister learned very quickly that if she screamed blue murder she would get what she wanted.

She still does. I don't see any of them now.

may I ask you all what you mean by "attention"?
what is it precisely that you missed - no one-to-one chats? help with homework? special times going out?

I'm only asking because I wonder if I might be making the same mistakes?
I hope not!

Lack of privacy and my belongings being everyone's. Always being bought the same as younger sister as otherwise she had a meltdown.

Also reading with interest - I have 4DC & one on the way.

I think my eldest and youngest have abundant 1:1 time - but I do struggle to develop an individual 'thing' with my middle two boys.

DD1 and I watch girly TV together - DD2 is a pre-schooler so we pootle together plenty - but DS1 &2 are only 18m apart in age - so it's hard to earmark something as a DS1 'special' thing.

However - I do support them both in their (separate) chosen after school interests - and run around like a blue-arsed fly brokering their social life - so hopefully they feel like they are treated as individuals.

I'm sure you're not, GoodZing. I mean literally the most minimal attention - all I can remember about interaction from my mother was vaguely-irritated general instructions or scoldings aimed at four all of us collectively, she was always so busy cooking/doing laundry/ boiling nappies (before the advent of disposables, which we almost certainly couldn't have afforded)/tending to the needs of the younger ones. I was a kind of second-in-command nursemaid as the eldest, and I doubt we had a single one-on-one conversation throughout my childhood. My father was always at work.

Both parents were so busy getting on with the business of survival, I don't think it ever occurred to them their children might need emotional attention individually, rather than just being four mouths to feed. All they wanted was for us to be somehow 'fine' and not to need anything more than they had the time/energy/imagination left to give. As the eldest, I especially learned very young not to ask for anything much, materially or emotionally, because it simply wasn't there.

No homework help, no, and I think the idea of children being taken out somewhere for an individual treat would have struck them as bizarre.

I know money doesn't buy happiness but being 12 and worried about asking for money for sanitary towels in case it wasn't possible has taught me that poverty doesn't either. Money isn't everything but it is sad to never, ever fit in, never have your heart's desire even for one moment be it a fashionable top, going bowling with friends or even all the right school books.

Irish Catholic family here. My parents were both from large families and it was early '70s. I don't think they ever really considered the consequences of 10 children most only one year apart.

I really wanted a part time job but wasn't allowed as I was needed too much at home.

GoodZing

What I mean by attention is to do with how my parents perceived us really. I think of my childhood as watching my parents cooking a really complicated meal. It was easy when we were small, we all played together and went to school and made friends etc etc.
Beyond about 10 though, when children become more private and emotionally complicated, it was the child who was making the most noise, most obviously in need of support, that got attention.
I remember being Really young but recognising that my mum, in spite of how great she is, was spread thin and so I coped.
I endured things I shouldn't have. I always felt part of a queue forming I suppose. We learnt that he who shouted loudest, who was the 'problem' got attention.
I was quiet. Became a cover. My sister became a needy dramaholic. We assumed roles to make the sheer number of people work.

That's it really. We were forced into assuming roles. It screwed some of our relationships.

Holy

I'm so sorry, what you described is very sad
Thanks for being so honest about it.

Individuation, Zing. Too much of "the children" and too little of each child as her own, unique person. And I know it's a running joke in families, but getting names mixed up and not seeming bothered about it. Being the child with a pressing crisis (real or childish), who has to go away and sit on it because a sibling has an injury or the baby won't feed. Being seconded as parent whenever there aren't enough grown-up hands.

An older relative once invited me to stay for a few days, I think it was an 11th birthday treat. They said it was all about me for those days: decked my room out with loads of pretty things, smellies & chocolates; took me out for a whole day in the city, just us two, and to a show in the evening. These days, I think you'd call it a 'princess day'. It was the highlight of my young life.

That's it really. We were forced into assuming roles. It screwed some of our relationships.

YYY

I identify so much with what other posters have said. My two children are defined individuals. I know them in a way my parents never knew me.

That really resonates, SoMany. Though there were only four of us, that was only because of all the miscarriages. Which of course also explains why my mother was always so unavailable, she was always pregnant, morning sick, or recovering from a miscarriage.

And absolutely about worrying about having to ask for money for something for school, knowing you could never ask anyone over, and having excuses for your friends about why you couldn't ever go on school trips, because you knew never even to ask at home. I think we all had a sense of my parents as victims of circumstances, rather than protectors from a really early age.

my parents (still) assume a lot about me or siblings.
they don't 'get' that I do things differently and have my own opinions.

I genuinely do not think that my children are neglected. They all have their own rooms, they all gave hobbies and they all have time with us. Our eldest has struggled but more because of his special needs than the size of our family
Ironically I posted earlier that I never left a MN thread feeling that I was right, now I feel like a hArdcore shit neglectful parent.

Oh god, Pag and Garlic, that's absolutely how it was.

I do not come from a big family, i had one brother who was 8 yrs younger than me, and my childhood was miserable, no attention at all,didn't get on with my brother, it hink its down to parenting not how many there are of you. You either want to spend time with your kids or you don't.

I have 6 children and it is amazing, but i do enjoy being at home with the kids and my husband is very supportive. They all get on really well (90 per cent of the time) they are also home educated so i think that removes a lot of the stress from it, i dont have to do all the faffing about in the mornings,picking them up,listening to them saying they dont like school and so and so isn't their friend any more, no homework, Holidays when we feel like it....sorry rambling on now.

Anyway, i think it just depends on the circumstances.You need patience,you need to be laid back, and you need to enjoy being around children, and you also need to have enough money, or to at least know how to get by without needing much anyway.

I would like to have 1 or 2 more,when my youngest is around 4,she is 1 now.