If you grew up in a big family.....

[DuggarMother]

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Being part of a large family isn't always riddled with poverty, no food, no money, no hobbies, no school trips, one or no Christmas present or one-to-one attention. Its not always that grim!

I try bloody hard to give my 9 children a better childhood than i had. I was one of three. The odd one out, the one that babysat, the one that done the housework, the one that got the blame for everything. The middle child. i don't speak to my family now. Not one of them.

My children never babysit or are expected to change nappies or feed babies (they have asked on occasion and we end up with the nappy on back to front or something!), they have a choice about what hobbies to do out of school (gymnastics and swimming are what they chose), they never miss a school trip, never wear old/stained/ripped/grown out of clothes or shoes, never do housework (apart from keeping their own rooms clean), always get to do their homework in peace, get days out together or i'll take one out with me to go shopping/have something to eat etc, we always have plenty of food in the house and bills/rent paid on time, the older girls get money when they want to go out with their friends, although they prefer to be at home i have to literally push my eldest to go out with her friends! Birthdays and Christmas are a blast here! We have so much fun.

I hope in years to come they look back and appreciate the childhood they had because i know many smaller families that have a grim life tbh.

But cheerfulyank are you trying to suggest that all the families with no or two kids compensate for the families that are having large numbers? Because that is obvioulsy not true. Otherwise we would not be having such dramatic population growth.

It doesn't matter who is having the kids, the looming crisis for humans remains the same.

I happen to come from a country with a falling population - do I get a pass?

Population is growing because people aren't dying - rather than because too many people are having babies. My Chinese friend & her husband find it very tough solely supporting 4*aging parents plus a selection of grandparents.

Just to address what too much Nutella said about single children not going off and entertaining themselves; mine plays on his own really well, and always has. He has a big imagination! But then I have always expected him to to an extent. I played on my own an awful lot with siblings.

5 siblings should have said.

I have found singleton children often have a very mature approach and an easy way with other adults which serves them well at school and when interacting with others.
Kids from large families often have a pack mentality as they don't have so much attention from adult caregivers.

I may have 'discussed' this with blue star before.

This thread illustrates exactly what I mean. There is little to be gained arguing that people with large families now should be held responsible for the decline of the world! However, women throughout the world should br able to control their own fertility. They should have access to contraception, and not expected to continually produce children. The sad stories on this thread of huge families seems to compound the misery of families expected to produce children year on year. The focus is all wrong.

Bluesky we've discussed this before I am sure and you said you wanted to be able to fly your children around the world to see it before it was destroyed. I recall this, flying, not incredibly environmentally responsible.

I'm not going to argue that there is no population crisis, because there is. But in its natural balance, most people would choose smaller families. If medical standards west equal around the world, if their was provision for pensions around the world, I'm sure many people would choose smaller families. The few with 4+ children would be few and far between. I'd be arguing improvements in the opportunities for women rather than berating those that have more than 2 kids.

Anyway, I remember you always had to have the last word, and I had to hide the thread because it was so irritating.

Apologies for the long post....

The comment about singletons being mature and children from larger families having a pack mentality is just odd, btw....

Youngest of 6 and DH is 6th of 11. We both loved it. Very strong relationship with my siblings. We are all really close and always on the phone to each other despite 3 of us living in different countries.

Yeah, I don't necessarily think singletons are more mature, or that kids from large families have a pack mentality.
People (and children are people) are all different, and my own singleton is in fact more comfortable with a pack of kids that with adults.

I reckon the main differences are to do with individual attention; I know so much more about my child, his day, his fears, his desires, that my parents ever knew about mine , and also he expresses wants in a way I would never have done.
Like others have mentioned, I wouldn't have dreamed of asking for anything, whereas my child does often ask for stuff which I actually find quite hard. I can get very Four Yorkshiremen about this, e.g I never nagged my mum to buy me x" but I suppose, in life, I have often not expected enough.
Not that I give into nagging. My austerity upbringing upbringing gave me the ability to say no!
As forthe planet. .. This is global issue very tied in with religion and women's right to choose their reproductive futures, and not confined to a few western families who choose large families.

This thread has got me thinking. My large irish Catholic family had huge families in the past with 13 and 15 children around 1900.
I am one of 5 born in 6 years and my DM was always tired and tearful. She lost the first baby and I was the consolation baby a year later. I had to be the responsible oldest as she was often ill with headaches or joint pains she now says were due to stress.
The solution was to send us all away to boarding school at 8 9 or 10 so we had no money for clothes or holidays or treats. Consequently we are not close as siblings and are quite repressed emotionally.
But I remember my childhood as a golden rural time and I do love both my parents and my sibs in my own way. I chose to stop at 3 DC and was an energetic hands on mum and kept them close.
I feel sad for my DM that lack of decent contraception made her so ill and tired just as it must have done my great great grandmother who had 15 children over 25 years!

as countries become 'richer' the birth rate falls. And in each country, the richer people (on average) have fewer children than the poorer people. Thus - and contrary to popular opinion - the way to eradicate over-population is to improve people's economic situation. More wealth = less children.

I think that thread provides a little evidence toward the theory that in general if you give people choice about family size, most people will choose to have fewer children, and the stress that having large families can involve. I would very much hope that at least in the UK people only have large families through positive choice having really considered if they can not just cope but also thrive with their many children.

I only have concerns about families where there is pressure (religious or familial) to have more children than they really want, or those parents that love babies but not older children and so go on producing little ones with little concern for how that affects older children. Larger familes are pretty unusual now, I think people now would tend to think that more than two is relatively large, more than four very unusual, and more than six almost extraordinary.

anyway - i'm youngest of five. It was generally great. Lots of fun. Lots of laughs. Not much money though!

my mum was one of eight and my dad one of 10 - Irish Catholics. Our family with only five children was one of the smallest amongst my parents' siblings. I have 52 cousins!

Fascinating and moving thread, although I have nothing to add as I am from a small family. But it would be a shame for this thread to be derailed by comments about overpopulation and resources. Much better for these types of comments to be put on threads about buying Christmas tat (landfill) and washing towels every day.

I am the eldest of 6,my mother has(does) have an incredible need to mother, my parents also fostered. It was too much, my mother had (still does) have a type of depression which she dealt with by constantly finding new things that needed her.
There were lots of good times , and my parents loved us, the best that they could . However I have only realised as I have got older how dysfunctional my childhood was. I don't know whether its nature or nurture but sadly 2 of my siblings have serious mental health issues, one of these has been so mentally ill for 2 decades that he has never worked and lives in supported housing.

I know given the choice my dmum would not have had 6 kids, I think 2 boys would have suited her. She looked after and mothered and spoiled the boys but the girls in my family were expected to do for themselves and take responsibility for everyone else. Her mother was the same - she had 7 kids but she didn't look after them, she got other people to do it for her, she had no interest in children.

I think depending on the parents, you can feel isolated even in a small family.

DP had a younger brother. When younger brother came along it was as if DP didn't exist. This is still the case to this day and DP feels incredibly bitter even now. I think if there'd been an excuse for his parents lack of attention (I.e large family) then I think he could cope with it better. The same now applies to the Grandkids, his brothers children get far more attention than our DS. Christmas Day FIL went to see the other Grandkids but not our DS, we're 5 minutes from their house.

I was raised in a house with 3 children. Early 70's. Left to really get on with our own entertainment. Again, as others have stated, not much involvement with school, not like now. My Mum and Dad were both extroverts, loved a party, loved having people over. The house was never quiet. I yearned peace and quiet. My older brothers were very close in age and played (and argued) together much more than they did me. They are still close today. We're all quite close but they have a great bond.

The difference between children in a small family not getting the time and attention wanted/needed and those in a large family is that (certainly in my case) in the large family it is simply the parents not having enough of themselves to go round rather than them not being interested. That for me is a very different set of circumstances to those in a small family who say they didn't have the time or attention either. My mum tried her hardest but there were times I needed her to see I was unhappy/ needing guidance etc. and she was just too busy taking care and giving time/attention to one of the others.

I think perhaps there is a distinction to be made between women nowadays who elect to have a big family, because they enjoy their children and cope well, and women who had many children years ago because of the absence of reliable contraception and, perhaps, religious diktat-
It is likely that many of them felt overwhelmed and frustrated from the outset.

I think even those who choose big families have no idea. Mum chose to have lots (and I'm in my late 30s). With all the will in the world and good intentions, you can't make time or spread yourself enough to give all the non material things a child/ teenager need when you have so many who have needs (all different of course) all at the same time.

I agree; love is infinite, patience MAY be infinite, but time is not.

how many were there in your family tisy? what do you think her motivations were to have a large family/ do you think she did not recognise that she was not meeting your emotional needs, but continued to extend her family nonetheless? (if you don't mind me asking)

I agree, Tunaandcheesesandwich.

I think this kind of discussion absolutely IS the right kind of thread to raise the very real problem of overpopulation and the damaging impact of people selfishly choosing to have more than two children (replace self with one child, so two per couple, seems perfectly reasonable to me). Our resources will run out if we carry on doing whatever we like; I wish people would think more than of just their own wants. It was different pre-seventies, and we know better now.

I grew up in the seventies as the eldest of three, so pretty average. I was aware that child three didn't get to go to as many extra-curricular activities as child two and I did, and that was only because of logistics (getting us all to various places). There were some perks to his being the youngest though - he was utterly worshipped by myself (only a 4.6yr gap) and I showered him with treats on top of those my parents could afford, ran him places when I could. But on balance, I think two is just more doable.

We have one, and due one in late spring, and will be stopping there. I feel one parent per child can give that child ample attention. I also want to be able to leave my children a decent inheritance, as things will no doubt be even harder for them in 20 years (property ladder etc) than they are now, so better to split a decent inheritance between two, than seven +.

I'm one of 9 math. I have no idea what mum's motivation was although she says she'd always wanted a large family. I don't think she realised the implications when we were growing up and we certain wouldn't have told her - it would have broken her heart! She is aware now and does say she regrets things we didn't have/ she couldn't do now. I think she was just always too busy to see at the time.