If you grew up in a big family.....

[DuggarMother]

Did you like it?

How do you feel about it now? Would you recommend it?

I suppose things could have been different if money wasn't a problem.

As siblings most of us are still close - I think we are bonded in an us against them way though so I'm not sure it's that healthy.

I think the main problem is that each of us was lost in the crowd. No thought given to individual strengths or talents. No thought given to encouraging us to find hobbies because 'we had each other for company'. The result is a huge amount of wasted potential.

None of us had any self-confidence or self-worth when we left home and struggled out of the herd. So much wasted potential.

I'm one of six and it's ok. There are times where it can feel a bit too much - there's always a birthday/birth/wedding/engagement or drama going on! We now not only have our own personalities and opinions to consider (all quite strong!) but also those of our spouses which can be draining.

I also find that my siblings and their kids take up a lot of my emotional......ability? to the point where I don't think I'm that great at maintaining friendships.

I was keen on having an only myself but settled on two which feels more than enough!

Plus, Christmas costs a bloody bomb!

I do love my family and could never pick or choose among them, but had I known no different, I could definitely get by with less!

I'm the eldest of a middling-large brood. Ours was/is a deeply dysfunctional family and, as children & young adults, we supported one another. With my parents, things would have been even worse if they'd had fewer kids: all the abuse would have rained down harder. We've grown apart now, as each of us deals with the realisation about our background in a different way.

It was nice always having someone to play with, and to know the others understood.

Moomin - I understand the friendships thing. Only a couple of us have any close, long term friends. I think there just wasn't space in our lives to develop them.

hated it.
only attention from parents was negative.
never enough money.

Really interesting reading.

I grew up with only my mum, my (much older) half sister had already left home. It was very lonely and I dreamt of having a big family. Interesting to read that a big family is not all sweetness and light.

somanysiblings interesting about not having time for individual strengths and talents. I now have 3 dds of my own and I work very hard to make sure each of them has a chance to pursue hobbies they enjoy. It's just about manageable with 3, probably much less so with more children.

Agree it's about the quality of the relationships rather than number of people.

Dancer - in our house unless it was free and everyone could do it then it didn't happen. No music, sports, dancing, art or anything. We are all quite well read though.

Eldest of 5. I didn't mind it at the time, though like others said there was never quite enough money and certainly no holidays, new clothes etc. Looking back on it there was also very little supervision and I still struggle with anyone trying to supervise me now!

I really agree with what PPs said about friendships. I really struggle to maintain them as do almost all my siblings. I think moving several times didn't help.

I have two and that is definitely enough for me. I look forward to doing extra curricular activities and hobbies with my two which would have been out of the question for us.

Oh, we were supported in hobbies & extra activities - as well as forced to take part in family activities. That part was probably much easier in ye olden days, as parents didn't feel it necessary to escort DC to & from every activity. I've done the 'chauffeuring' thing for 3 kids, and don't see how you could even pull that off with more. You'd have to have permanent help, or use your older DC as escorts which could raise its own problems.

I'm second oldest of 9 from 3 marriages. I hated it (and to an extent still do!). There was never enough time or attention for me - mum tried her best but there was always a baby there needing attention etc., never enough space - nowhere of my own, nowhere to do homework quietly, never enough money. I had to be independent early on, kept things to myself as I didn't want to bother mum as she had too much else to deal with. We always had to compromise. Rarely had anything new. I love all my siblings but it's still incredibly hard to have quality time with mum as there's always someone else there.

One of six here and I both loved and hated it at different times. Now, as an adult with my own children, I love it. We are a very close family and see each other regularly and all my nieces and nephews are close too - I love seeing that part of it. That's not to say we never row but usually it's over and done with quickly!

agree with hobbies, unless they were free and we could get there under our own team and didn't clash with chores or the 'family hobby'...
'family hobby' was a pita, emarassing, painful (you name it) and participation was expected, dead or alive (or so it felt like).

My mum is the youngest of 17.
When I was growing up she held up her family (who live in another European country) as some sort of sainted waltons type family to my siblings and I (I am the eldest of 3)
It wasn't until I was older and met some of her family and actually spent time with them that I realised that she didn't really know any of them!
Her eldest sister was 22 by the time she was born and had children of her own.
She left home at 18 to come here and met my late dad.
Because of this She has a Very superficial relationship with all of them.
I am quite annoyed that they were held up as this perfect family ideal when I was growing up.

Dh is one of 6, 4 years between all of them. Not a penny to rub together. Loving, but very tough upbringing, similar to what every other poster says.
Why would you? No one here has gone on to have 6+ themselves, have they? Very telling!

Ki was party of a large family but a number of us were fostered/ adopted so there were never more than four in the house at once. Childhood was miserable but not because of the size of our family.

I am expecting number six snd have a stepson. Ours is mostly a very happy, if busy home. I don't think that my children get any less attention than any others. I have stopped working though.

I hope not. We have 1 from IVF and are struggling to have a second. I'm 37 too. I'd only want one more though (though of course twins are always a possibility!). Big families aren't for us. I love the idea but know I wouldn't love the reality.

In case my previous post seems odd, this thread has a different title in Discussions of the Day - something about bigger families being better?

My dad was the eldest of 5. From what he said his dad worked every hour to bring in enough money for basics, and his mum barely coped with housework. She certainly didn't have time for much parenting - that was down to my dad and the next kid! He only wanted two for that reason. His dad was from a larger family though (7 surviving children, no idea of the total) and wouldn't hear of stopping earlier. My poor granny says she'd rather have had fewer!

I always wanted a tribe of at least 4, preferably 6. Until I had DD. She was a high needs baby and really responds well to a lot of parental attention. If she was one of many I don't think I would have picked up on her developmental issues as I'd be too busy! I also worry because she's so quiet and needs a lot of down time that she wouldn't cope well as part of a large brood. So we're sticking at 2. Not bothered about money too much - I'm good at thrift, but more about privacy and attention.

One of six , I have 3 brothers and had two sisters. Sadly we lost s sister at only 26 yrs, but the rest of us are still very close and meet up every week for s pub dinner together.

Really interesting to read everyone's experiences. I find it fascinating that other people have struggled with friendships. I have a few close friends but really envious of people who seem to have lots of friends. I think growing up my parents cultivated this idea that you didn't need friends, sibs were enough, blood was thicker than water. Which looking back was probably their way of keeping a hoarde of kids from being invited home every day.

My parents were very introverted themselves and I wonder if this influenced their decision to have a large family - to save mixing with others maybe.

The things I now think of as being positives of coming from a large family like being tolerant, sharing, being grateful despite not having much are actually borne out of all the negatives of the same. And I'm sure people from small families can have similar attributes if brought up well. The actual experience of living in a large family wasn't great tbh.

I hated it because I never got any parental attention. In saying that, my parents weren't cruel, we all had our own bedrooms and space (we lived in a big house so that was possible) and I never had to mind younger kids unless I wanted money, then I could make it by offering my babysitting services.

We always had friends in as well so there would be a lot of people coming and going. Eight children plus friends and a constant stream of my parents friends, that would drive me insane now but it was great as a teenager. I could do whatever I wanted without ever worrying that my parents would notice.

I love a couple of my sisters and am close to them, unfortunately they live on different continents so only see them a few times a year. The rest of them are a bit odd, I can take them in small doses. Some are extremely spoilt, lazy and immature because they've never had to be responsible for themselves, the parents are still caring for them in their mid to late twenties/early thirties

I see my parents a lot more now, we get along well and they're very generous and thoughtful. Christmas and Easter are huge gatherings and we can bring whoever we want, all welcome, it's great fun.

That's not a life for me though. I like my own space. Dd will remain an only child, I've no interest in any more. I like that she has my full attention, she won't get into any of the trouble I used to cause, she will have constant guidance.

Oblomov

I must tell you about the exception that proves the rule: DSIL is one of 6 and they are expecting #10 in March!

I realised that she didn't really know any of them!

Yes, I suspect this is fairly common and families like Mummylin's are the exception. I don't "really know" the youngest of my siblings, despite having been very involved in their childhood. I was pretty much in loco parentis with them, though, and my youngest brother has since said he thinks of me more like an aunt than a sister.

Eldest of four, but we shared our tiny house with up to five members of the extended family, and I hated every second. As others have said, no space, no privacy (I shared a room with two sisters and my grandmother), no place to do your homework in peace, not enough seats at the table for people to eat together, continual competition for scarce resources - the lack of parental attention was harder than the chronic lack of money. We aren't close as adults - in fact, the four of us live in four different countries - and it's no coincidence that only one of us, me, has had a child. He's an only child by choice.

I acknowledge your place in the birth order is important, though - DH is the youngest of 5, 8 years younger than his next sibling, and had a much better time.

One of 8. No money but surrounded by love from every angle.

We had a very happy home. Parents were (and still are) very much in love. My mum was a master budgeter so we never went hungry but we didn't have luxuries. We had a week in a caravan every year which gave me some of the best memories of my life.

My mum didn't work which helped mean she could devote lots of time to us but obviously we are all incredibly independent and have been from a pretty young age, which I think is a good thing. We all have good careers, are healthy, have strong relationships with our partners and are emotionally very healthy. I have no idea if this is genetic or the way we were brought up, but I think the emphasis on loving and being loved has certainly helped is all to be happy.

We are all incredibly close now and I wouldn't have had it any different. We have 11 kids between us. I'm pg with no 3 and would have a big family if I could cope with the hideous pregnancies.

Being from a big family has taught me that money does not buy happiness.