oh my god..........

[benandoli]

Help I have just found out I am pregnant with number 4. Havent told DH yet he will be horrified as will my parents and in laws. Help.

I had a near miss a couple of weeks ago - I'm in exactly the same possition as you (minus the parent help). I'm very thankful not to have to make the decision you're stuck with.

Good luck with whatever you go with.

Meant to add that shouty doesn't equal bad mum.

You can surely do it, you've raised 3 already! And can I second that shouty doesn't mean bad (I really really hope!)? Congratulations, and make sure you aren't pressured into anything you can't live with.

I am thinking I need to make a decision quickly and that maybe it would be better for all if we didnt go ahead? Makes me really sad and guilty but think it might be for the best?

Don't worry about your other children. They'll be fine. You say you're worried about the potential effect on your DD. She'd like being the 'big sister' as much as she likes being the little one. I have 2 friends, one with 6 dcs and one with 5, and they have such happy little communities of siblings.
If the thought of not going ahead makes you feel really sad, and you already think of it as a baby, then not going ahead could be a decision you regret for a long time. Don't be scared. Go with your gut, and your family will adapt and be fine.
Good luck

Do you know it's been the making of my three girls having a new baby in the house. They all love him to pieces, love holding him, changing him, showing him off to their friends, lots of positive attention at school, congratulations and cooing friends and teachers, they've loved every moment. And they are kinder to each other too, more patient.
So far he's cost a bloody fortune and we've not been on holiday this year because I couldn't cope with the packing, traveling but the first year is the worse on so many levels, once that's out the way, business as usual.
Also I'm shouty and the new baby has made me resolve to stop it, I don't want him to be scarred and jumpy and shouty, so I whisper now, much better results all round.
At 9 weeks I had a date for a termination, DH didn't want the baby, we couldn't afford another. I couldn't do it in the end. I knew the baby would look like my other babies, he's now lying on DH's lap snuggled up and he adores his boy.

Benandoli, I am in a similar situation to you. Currently 28/29 weeks pg with DC4. Totally unplanned. I will be honest with you, I was utterly horrified and so was DP.

DD, our youngest, is starting full time school in September, I was planning to go full time at Uni, we had got rid of our 7 seater, everything just felt settled and right with 3 DC.

You do both need to discuss the possibility of not going ahead with this pg For us we both felt like we were the ones responsible for the situation we found ourselves in and agreed to go ahead.

It has been very hard to feel any excitement during this pg so far. I think we've both had to grieve a little for the future we were expecting to happen and DP and I have both had to make a big effort with each other to keep reminding ourselves that this is a positive thing.

Please don't rush into making any decisions about this. DD was unplanned (we DO use contraception but have a spectacular fail rate!) and we wouldn't be without her for the world and felt that this one deserved the same chance as her.

Ultimately though, it is only you who can make this decision and MN is a great place for support whatever you decide.

Sending you big hugs

still havent decided but nearly have almost decided to go ahead then I think again, how will we ever make this decision but we need to make it quick.

Good luck in your decision benandoli,

OK so this morning DH tells me that he doesnt want to go ahead but he thinks I do. I cant do this without his support so I rang the doctors to make an apt. I told DH and he said what did you do that for so I cancelled the apt and DH wants to discuss it tonight. If we go ahead it will be hard but I cant help but think that how his parents will react is putting him off. They will not be pleased.

Hope your chat goes OK - you need to discuss his parents as honestly as you can be, he's a big boy now and it doesn't really matter what his parents think. Can you get along without needing them so much? Could you use a CM or nursery for the days you work?

You both need to be happy with the choice you make but that is easier said than done.

I don't think you can base you decision on what your in-laws might think. I know they help you with childcare but it's really not any of their business.

My in-laws were a little when they found out about DC4 but they absolutely adore her (and have done since the day she was born) and couldn't dream of a life without her.

Good luck

We have 4 children and it is wonderful.Hard work yes but so rewarding.
The jump from 3 to 4 is not that great.The big 3 adore the youngest and it has growen their spirit and confidence.They adore being a big family.
It will be 2 hard years with the pregnancy and a little one but you will have the rewards for the rest of your life.
Take your time.
It is not about the grandparents.

thanks fidelma I feel like I am in such a dark hole. DH does not want to go ahead

benandoli,

I hope this all works out for you.

We were recently in the same siuation. I have a 5 year old and 1 year old twins. It took a good month for my DH to come around to the idea of a fourth child.
I think that it is more difficult for the mother, as we feel the pregnancy as soon as it starts. My DH said he didn't feel pregnant with the others until he had seen a scan!
Sadly, I have just miscarried at 9 weeks, and although I know it would have been hard work, I am so sad that my little one has gone. :(

You must think about what is right for you and your family alone, whatever that may be. Please don't worry about what others will think - I did, but I realise in hindsight that that was the least of my worries!

xxx

well we have finally decided to go ahead. DH is trying to feel ok about it. We are both really scared about where we will get the time, energy and money from for another one but when it comes down to it this will be a brother or sister for our 3 and will be very loved by us all. I supposse when it comes down to it love is the most important thing and we will some how srtruggle through for the other things! I do feel excitement about it when i let myself and relieved that a decision has been made. It certainly is not going to be easy!

I know you have made the right decision. It must have been a v worrying time

I wish you all the best.As I said I think 4 is wonderful.dh would of rather had 3 but he is so proud of our brood now.There is something really special about 4.

Congratulations!

BenandOli - I got quite emotional reading this (and your other thread). I was in exactly the same position two years ago, with the same difficult conversation with DH and the same difficult decision. I found talking things through with a Marie Stopes counsellor over the phone really helped, and decided to continue with the pregnancy. LOOK AWAY NOW ....

I hadn't even considered the possibility of twins, which changed everything again.

Oh my word Long Story! DH would be horrified but my first reaction is how lovely! Maybe I'm mad anyway I know i've made the right decision. DH is really struggling with it. He just wants to give all the dc the same opportunities and is struggling to see how we can do this with 4.

Finances were a major consideration for us too, Dh was unemployed for most of my pregnancy, nobody wanted to employ me obviously being up the duff.
Now bubs is here DH's business has gone from strength to strength, I have a place on a course which will lead to my salary tripling at the end and my eldest has won a scholarship.
I don't believe in that daft book, the secrete but you do wonder if the world moves in mysterious ways and we are provided with what we need when we need it.

Mamatomany I totally agree with you, whenever we think that there is something we can't cope with/afford etc etc something always seems to turn up to save the day!

benandoli Don't worry about the grandparents, I was in a sort of similar situation a few weeks ago-I found out I was pg with dc3.

I was really worried as no bedroom for dc3 as dm&dd living with us atm and room each for ds & dd. Also dm has my dc 5 days a week when I am at work.

I was over the moon in one way as conceived naturally which is a miracle for me as dc1&2 were conceived through fertility treatment, however I was convinced that everyone would be less than happy (including DH) Anyway when I eventually came clean everyone was thrilled - in particular my mum!!)

Unfortunately my story did not end well as mc 3 weeks ago, however dm was 1st person to tell me to 'get back on the horse' She said that things happen for a reason and that we would have coped and that dc3 would have been loved by all. I am now planning to ttc!

I was in a similar situation
dh didnt even have the guts to tell his parents I did it in the end at over 20 weeks
I honestly think that for him he was just scared. Scared of previous bad pregnancy, scared of his parent reaction and scared of providing. His parents were shocked, asked if we were ok with it and then got on with life knowing we would have 4.

ds3 (dc4) is now 16 months and dh told me to leave the room again last night as they were sat making each other giggle and I would ruin it. If anything hes had a closer relationship from a younger age. His siblings also adore him and I'm so so thankful I fought to keep him. He spreads joy wherever he goes. Quite appropriate his name means laughter

I know someone who wanted more children and her husband said no. We can give the ones we have more. She still feels sad about it now and their children would have loved siblings. It really shouldn't be about money.

Good luck OP.