To ask if you've regretted surrogacy/struggled to bond?

[ivfregret]

Posting for traffic the other forums do not get much response.

This is not a thread about the ethics of surrogacy so I'm hoping it doesn't become that.

I'm posting because starting a family myself is becoming a very unlikely route for me and I may have to consider surrogacy.

I'm just concerned about bonding with the child/having regrets so I'd like to know if anyone has had this experience experience?

Thanks in advance

There is nothing you can say that I will feel anything but extremely proud that I was able to do this for 3 families

And at no point did I or anyone else suggest otherwise. You do you. (I hope the kids - all of them - are ok.)

Some babies are like that. It is possible for a baby born through surrogacy to be laid-back and responsive.

Yes, each baby is different - some do things others don't. Some like things other don't. It's as possible for a newborn taken from their mother to be fractious and upset as it is for a newborn to be settled with someone they don't know. There is no predicting it.

What we do know from decades of study is that babies who are with their mothers do better than without - unless there are clear and present dangers. That's why, I'm developed countries, we have social services and even that doesn't prevent injury, trauma and death (though there are failures I do think/hope for the most part that SS are doing their best under enormous strain).

Adoption prioritised the child and as this thread demonstrates well, surrogacy prioritises the adults.

but you have no evidence that it is in this set of circumstances.

I have the response "because I could" and because it made other people happy. That's 'evidence'. That's why I asked.

Women die during pregnancy/childbirth.

Exactly, and that can't be predicted that much either. Risk can be assessed but women who have had easy pregnancies and birth may go on to have hyperemesis gravidarum and emergency hysterectomies.

This could happen to a woman whether she gives the baby away or not, it can happen whether she is your cousin, or a woman you have a contract with, as a surrogate mother or not.

Is there a way to guarantee a woman who is a surrogate mother with have not adverse effects, before, during or after? No, there isn't. There is no guarantee for any woman as pregnancy and birth are unpredictable biological processes and it is only that a risk that can be reduced not eradicated.

Exactly! For some reason, the anti-surrogacy brigade refuse to hear ANY positive stories of surrogacy (of which there are many,) and insist that all surrogates, are downtrodden poor women who are being abused and degraded by evil rich people, who then go on to STEAL her baby.

It's an insult to the 1000s of women who do this because they want to and for altruism. Some people on here cannot get their head around doing something out of kindness because it's not something THEY would ever do. They would never do it themselves, so cannot fathom anyone else doing it unless they are 'forced.'

I am sure there are some women over the world who do it for money because they are poor, and they are taken advantage of, but you could say that about loads of things. Lots of poor people are taken advantage of the world over. It's awful, but it happens. Some people are trying to make out people who use a surrogate are no better than people who have servants or (slaves.)

It's a shameful attitude, and disgusting to suggest that a woman should not be allowed to do what she wants with her own body. And these people call themselves feminists?! LMFAO. The hypocrisy is breath-taking.

As I say, I won't engage with them personally, because they never want to hear any other argument but their own. Also, as I said, I don't know a SINGLE PERSON in real life who is as vitriolic about surrogacy (and people who use a surrogate,) as some posters on here. Just seems to be a mumsnet thing.

My brother was adopted as a baby and my mum had GA when I was born due to birth complications. She told my aunt that her experience of being handed her babies was identical.

If you go ahead, please make sure you do it ethically. Baby buying off vulnerable women isn't cool.

Blood is thicker than water but love is thicker than blood.

I saw this on Mumsnet and it's true.

There's a reason this is said and drawn attention to.

@DannyZukosSmile but you also have to think about the child, they are not just a commodity for someone who wants a child

That could be said about anyone who has a child though. No one gives birth out of consideration for the child because they never asked to be there. Having a baby is always about the parents until that baby is born.

Well no because I don’t treat them like a womb on a stick.

I have no problem with surrogates, I have a problem with people who use them.

"I am sure there are some women over the world who do it for money because they are poor, and they are taken advantage of, but you could say that about loads of things. Lots of poor people are taken advantage of the world over."

Oh well, that's fine then.

The problem is people want a chubby cheeked baby and they couldn’t care less what the baby or the surrogate mother have to go through. They buy a nice big rug with rainbows and fluffy bunnies on it and they sweep the seedy, poverty, illness, danger and exploitation of women and babies under it. It’s pathetic. A half hearted google will bring up dozens of sad stories about surrogacy similar to some I linked up thread. If you are going to use a surrogate (in particular abroad) at least own it. You’re going abroad as it’s cheaper and it gets you a baby. You couldn’t care less about anything else!

@BSB30 no it is different as they are not with their birth parents. There is an acknowledgment now about how being adopted can impact a child. The same needs to be taken into account for children born through surrogacy. There is a reason egg and sperm donors can no longer be anonymous.

Oh you're back

@DannyZukosSmile

And these people call themselves feminists?!

Not sure anyone here has called themselves a feminist.

Buying and selling humans is dealing in slavery.

FannyCann

That is a ridiculous argument. Unless you are a pro lifer.. the baby does not have human rights until it is born. Until that point it is my right to choose.

I chose to grow 3 peoples child. It made them happy and made me happy. All three couples still married to each other and seemingly happy (one is for sure but I don't see the others so often but they are just normal people)

Your argument about 'commissioning parents' not being checked out falls flat when you remember that there are plenty of kids born of bio parents every day that are so deeply inadequate that the damage they cause their kids runs the full gamut from mildly neglectful to criminally abusive. In all my experiences the three couples were thoughtful, excited, mature and responsible. All took the gift they were given very seriously and made sure they were in the best position possible to look after their new baby.

A lot more than some biological parents on here who seem to get pregnant 'accidentally' every year or so - with a succession or inadequate and uninterested partners. Who go on to be mentally and physically abusive to mother and baby.

A much wanted baby where a surrogate was needed.

Or another accident of neglectful parents. If I were a baby I know which home I would choose.

I, strangely, know two women who have been surrogates in the UK. One for a stranger, one for a close relative. Both for comfortable middle class, not in need of any money, and didn't receive a fortune - enough to cover private prenatal checks, extra vitamins etc and a salary top up for mat pay after birth. They didn't make a 'profit'.

100% this. ^ As a few posters have said, MANY people have children from a one night stand, or in the middle of a shit relationship, and then go on to be a terrible parent, resulting in an emotionally fragile (and sometimes abused) child... And then they carry that into adulthood.

Children of surrogates will be loved dearly. They are much more likely than some children born to 'biological,' parents to have a wonderful life full of love.

The anti surrogacy comments on here are batshit.

@TakemedowntoPotatoCity · Yesterday 20:33

Didn't take long for the 'wrenched from all it has ever known' hyperbole brigade to appear did it?

YEP. I will correct that for them.

'They are wrenched from NOTHING.'

I found labour traumatic and initially felt no bond after my first child was born - it really took a while, although I'm sure breastfeeding helped.

I think if I had a baby born to a surrogate, or adopted a baby, that initial bonding may have been easier in some ways, as I could have focused solely on the baby rather than my own trauma and physical recovery.

Having said that, I couldn't personally get past the ethical issues with surrogacy, so it wouldn't be for me.

@DannyZukosSmile why is it that the child now comes first when considering adoption, not the adoptive parents’ rights?

@Achwheesht A good deed is subjective. You don't think it is, fair enough but other people think it is and doing it comes from a good place.

That is a problem with surrogacy laws in the country and unscrupulous firms plying it.

one is for sure but I don't see the others so often but they are just normal people

So out of three couples you are only still in touch with the one yet you know all the kids in these two other families are fine but you don't see them 'that often'...and this is 'altruistic' surrogacy which is based friendship, lifelong friendship we are less to believe? Interesting.

A much wanted baby where a surrogate was needed.

A 'surrogate' (a woman with her fertile body) are needed. It is a need. Not a desire.There are no other alternatives?