To ask if you've regretted surrogacy/struggled to bond?

[ivfregret]

Posting for traffic the other forums do not get much response.

This is not a thread about the ethics of surrogacy so I'm hoping it doesn't become that.

I'm posting because starting a family myself is becoming a very unlikely route for me and I may have to consider surrogacy.

I'm just concerned about bonding with the child/having regrets so I'd like to know if anyone has had this experience experience?

Thanks in advance

Live donors can opt out via patient doctor privilege, the recipient doesn't even know.
Compatibility testing and health screening is done for the patient donating. You can't just donate because you want to. There are only some organs you can donate and expect to live. The rules in place protect the donor.

I can't donate a lung and people who donate a kidney are informed about the risks and can still have life long limiting conditions.

Women can get birth injuries. Is there a way to be certain that a woman who is a surrogate mother doesn't suffer during pregnancy and labour and to 100% guarantee that she isn't negatively affected physically afterwards?

I have 3 children. Finished my family before I had surrogates children.

Had mandatory counselling because it was required. Should also have had it post birth but managed to get out of it each time by persuading the charity I was not in need.

Never have been. Perhaps because all babies were genetically made by their parents I was able to be fairly detached. They never felt 'mine' .nothing like having my own .

I could of suffered birth injuries. Death. In the EXACT same way I could risk lifelong injuries and death donating a kidney.

It comes down to MY RIGHT to do as I wish with my body. I can CHOOSE without recourse to any other person, to carry a baby, donate my bone marrow, terminate a pregnancy, have my face lifted.

No one gets to tell me MY decisions regarding MY body should be subjugated to theirs.

If you don't want to be a surrogate - then it's easy, Don't be one.

There is nothing you can say that I will feel anything but extremely proud that I was able to do this for 3 families.

100% this.

@Youknownorhing did you think of your other DC whilst being a surrogate?

You know it's not your job right, 'because you can'? You don't need to make other people happy.

If making other people happy is what makes you happy then I hope you have other things in life making you happy and it's not the only place where your 'joy' comes from.

As far as I'm aware there's a very slight increase in depression and anxiety post baby coming home in people who have struggled to conceive. I would imagine a lot of that is actually to do with putting yourself under a lot of pressure to feel a certain way when baby arrives because its something that's been wanted for so long and then they maybe feel guilty or unable to open up about the hard bits we all face as parents. There's lots of things that can affect attachment but there's also lots you can do to promote solid attachment with a baby. Any parent can struggle with their reaction to a new baby no matter the method of the baby's arrival. Best thing you can do is take it for what it is, let yourself have your feelings naturally and don't panic if you don't feel overwhelming love immediately. I'd say I spent more time in awe and a big of disbelief of my baby (c section) in the first day or so until it all sunk in and then I got that big love feeling. So it's ok for it to take time.

Bonding only became a ‘thing’ a few decades ago after a study which was popularised to such an extent that many people now think it’s a magical necessity that has to happen immediately after birth. As many people on this thread have already said, sometimes it takes a while for an emotional attachment to form, perhaps because the baby is Ill or premature or the mother has some physical or emotional issues of her own. For many people bonding is not a feeling that appears suddenly but something that develops while getting to know their baby and caring for them. Exactly as other relationships develop.

The thing is, it almost always resolves itself and has no bearing whatsoever on the future relationship between the parent and child or the well being of the child. To suggest that a child suffers if there is not instant bonding has caused suffering to women who have been separating from their baby at birth because of illness or who were not able to feel the magical feeling instantly for emotional or physical reasons of their own.

I have so many reservations about surrogacy. It is totally banned in most of Western Europe for good reason. The bonding argument is not my main objection.

"It comes down to MY RIGHT to do as I wish with my body. I can CHOOSE without recourse to any other person, to carry a baby, donate my bone marrow, terminate a pregnancy, have my face lifted.
No one gets to tell me MY decisions regarding MY body should be subjugated to theirs."

But it's not just about your body is it?

The baby is an individual with its own human rights. A right not to be bartered for and bought/sold/gifted. A right to protection - bearing in mind there is minimal scrutiny of commissioning parents and their suitability unlike the many investigations made of potential adoptive parents.

And there is the wider issue of women's rights generally. Just because it was OK for you doesn't make it OK for other women. Every woman who claims it was a wonderful experience helps to normalise the process and ramp up demand and entitlement from people who cheerfully exploit impoverished women in poor countries.

Why do you think surrogacy is banned in most of Europe?

Please don't make things up or speculate about my child. Were you present at the hospital watching for any difference when she was cuddled and held (and then given back) by the surrogate? No you weren't. If you had been, you wouldn't have a scrap of evidence to support your interpretation of this little anecdote. My baby loved to be held. By me! In the same way that many newborns love being close to their dad - it's not impossible. She may have recognised my voice as we did use some technology to make sure that was present in her life pre birth but it seems more likely that she arrived relaxed and ready to snuggle with whoever presented themselves as primary caregiver. Some babies are like that. It is possible for a baby born through surrogacy to be laid-back and responsive. They have none of the traumatic perinatal experiences that many babies relinquished for adoption have often experienced. This seems to make a huge difference.

I don't agree with this , after giving birth 3 times my experience is that a newborn baby will settle and be content with people other than its mother as long as it is being fed, feeling warm and is comfortable.
It doesn't have enough awareness at birth to be traumatised , it doesn't know anyone other than its sounds /sensations in the womb , you sound dramatic .

I don't think she implied it was the only thing that gave her happiness, or that she felt responsible for other people's happiness. There is nothing inherently screwed up about a desire to bring happiness. It could be screwed up, of course, but you have no evidence that it is in this set of circumstances.

I believe Aldi are starting to sell babies now - you can pre order one.

My concern is WHY you are happy to risk leaving your 3 DC without a mother for the sake of creating another DC. Why is being pregnant/making other people happy more of a priority to you and how much therapy you have had to explore this?

People take risks every day whether they have children or no. You probably take a bigger risk crossing the road every day or getting in a car than someone does with a modern pregnancy in the UK.

How do you go to work every day as a mother knowing you could get in a car accident? Your poor children.

To provide for my DC.

To midwives on here who claim to have been involved in joyful cases I urge you to open your minds to the possibility that not all cases have a happy ending, and to consider how you will support a woman who is having second thought during her surrogacy and who is having difficulties in her relationship with the commissioning parents.
Remember the surrogate mother is your patient and your duty is to her and her alone.

Listen to Harriet's story on Julie Bindel's blog.

api.substack.com/feed/podcast/886413/private/e8b2d57f-f2e0-45a1-951f-c16f571bc726.rss

Harriet is a woman who has made legal history by having the parental order overturned as she did not give her consent freely and unconditionally. She deeply regrets her surrogacy. She wants contact with her child. (It was her egg so her child in EVERY way).

She tells how she felt unsupported by the midwives, how they inadvertently liked pressure in her by congratulating her in her selfless act at every appointment. Faced with that how could she voice her real feelings?
After the baby was born when she wanted some time alone with the baby and requested they keep the commissioning parents out staff showed them in before she was ready. And she felt obliged to give up her baby before she was ready.

Think how you will manage cases like this if the law changes to make commissioning parents legal parents at birth when they will be demanding their rights?

Here is a link to the court case.

caselaw.nationalarchives.gov.uk/ewca/civ/2023/16

It isn’t though, otherwise we wouldn’t have the infertility board. You don’t just ‘decide’ to have a child like what to have for breakfast.

That should read "inadvertently piled pressure on her"

@Thedogscollar

This is for you and any other midwives on here.

I had my eldest following 7 years of infertility, lots of ivf and a emergency Csection under general anesthesia. I didn't bond immediately and in all honesty I didn't even believe my baby was my baby. I thought my baby had died. I was very traumatised by everything.

@Hellno45 I could have written this myself as I had an almost identical experience. I felt like I was doing a job rather than being a parent for at least the first few months & didn’t believe my baby was mine as neither me or DH had witnessed the birth. It was very traumatic.

OP wishing you all the luck in the world with you surrogacy journey.