Infertility general chat/support thread

[Roo45]

Not sure if this exists already, but I wondered if people fancied a thread just to vent and/or talk about things that have happened in their day that have either caused them to get upset or think a certain way due to fertility issues, regardless of where you are in the journey.

I feel like my friends who haven't got through this could never understand how infertility affects pretty much every part of my life now!

For example today I attempted to cook something complicated for some family members, it's quite rare that I cook for others even before the pandemic and I only make simple meals for myself. Anyway everything that could go wrong did and what I managed to salvage was largely uneaten.
I told my DH maybe the universe thinks I shouldn't have children because I'm so undomestic and can't cook for other people!

@SummersInHvar your post made me really emotional, I’m so sorry you’re in this shitty boat with us all. It’s so painful and really do feel free to have that rant, there aren’t many places people like us can air our frustrations and be heard, and be understood. It’s all really fucking unfair.

I feel sad at the moment that I feel like I’ve lost a lot of friends since the pandemic and infertility. Friends who have had babies, friends who have other dependents and we can’t see them because of covid, family who don’t get it and think it’s all fine even though we’ve told them we’re about to do ivf. It’s tiring and lonely.

@SummersInHvar I'm so sorry 💐💐
I was there myself in August and I can't even explain how I felt.
It's an unbelievable pain to want a baby so desperately and have to go through all this.
I'll be thinking of you. Do pop in here regularly if that helps. I check the thread most days 💐

@SummersInHvar I'm so sorry. Sorry everyone I have been AWOL I was really struggling after my last failed cycle, Xmas is possibly the worse time during infertility struggles isn't it, although there's never a good time. Thinking of you all, I know the feeling I've been invited to my friends daughter's birthday party next week and I just can't bring myself to go, all my friends have kids and I'm just cutting myself off as I can't cope anymore. Even my husband thinks I need to try and cheer up!

@Roo45 hope you’re ok. I was just thinking that today. I cried when i husband got home, this time of year makes it worse because I don’t really have much of a family to speak of and I just want my own like other people have, and I can’t even manage that. It sucks.

Similar you you I’ve cut myself off a lot, but even now when I’m trying to deliver my friend a present (it’s a photo of her and her family in a frame from my wedding) that I’ve had in my house for over a year but she’s too busy, and I get it she really does have a lot on, but it just made me sad how lonely I am these days, I only have my husband. I’m going to leave the present outside her house like a delivery I guess, which is weird but if someone doesn’t have time to receive it in a year then I don’t know what more to do.

@Roo45 I've been thinking about you 💐💐I think we all cope in different ways. I wonder if your DH is like mine and he just feels so hopeless at seeing you so sad? I'm always an advocate for doing what you need to in order to keep your own mental health as ok as it can be. There's no time scale for grief ❤️ I've started counselling on my own (video calls) which helps as I can say out loud how I feel. Is this an option for you?

I don't know about you but I'm just pretending to be myself in front of other people and this is exhausting. Christmas day for me will be pretending and fake smiling. It's really hard to live this way. Definitely don't go along to a party that will make you miserable, there's nothing to be gained from that.

I'm also cutting myself off from friends. I'm not seeing friends this year for our normal get together. One friend is pregnant and I just can't sit there being normal while everyone talks about her bump etc. I feel like a horrible person as obviously I can't say this out loud. It's going to be hard enough on Christmas day with in laws and their baby.

Sorry so much rambling there from me. Just want you to know that you're not alone 💐

@thislittlebird it's really hard isn't it to see people having a busy family life and perhaps complaining about it, when that's what we desperately want.

@SummersInHvar

Can I please join as I really need to talk to others who understand right now. I’m waiting for a miscarriage to start after my 7 week ‘viability scan’ showed the gestational scan hadn’t grown past 5 weeks and there was a fetal pole but no heartbeat. It was our first cycle of IVF after three years of trying to conceive. I’m drained - emotionally drained, physically drained. I’ve put on a stone from all the IVF shots. I’m exhausted to have hope for something every other fucking woman seems to achieve so fucking easily. Excuse my language but I’m angry too. I’m angry that this is MY life. That I have to battle through the pain of infertility over and over again. Sitting in a scan room at 5 weeks and seeing a gestational sac that’s barely recognisable and being told ‘it’s a pregnancy of unknown location’ I wanted a baby. I just wanted a baby. I didn’t want scans that show nothing. I didn’t want to hear ‘we should have been able to see more by now’. I just wanted a baby. And then a week later seeing a yolk sac and being so delighted for so little. Women have babies without thinking. Women have actual babies with beating hearts. And I am crying with desperation and hope that I have achieved a yolk sac and it just might develop. It just might. Then a week later hearing what I already knew, what I went to bed and woke up in the middle of the night knowing was going to happen, dreams of heavy bleeding - a fetus with no heartbeat. Cramping, pain and clots over Xmas. Infertility is a journey I wish on noone. I’m sorry for the rant but this is just soooo painful right now. I need to let it out.

This is such a powerful post. My heart goes out to you.

@CurbsideProphet it really is. And I don’t have a good relationship with what little family I do have, my mother didn’t bring me up. This time of year is all about families and I find it so hard. I don’t understand why I have the shit family, bad sibling relationships, dead or difficult parents and now no family of my own. Other people get both, I don’t understand any of this. I’m just hoping 2022 is a better year for everyone here, it’s all very unfair.

Thank you for your support girls.
@thislittlebird I’m so sorry for how you’re feeling. My mum grew up in a very difficult house and ended up no contact with her parents and then she met my Dad who understands her completely and she had me. I’m an only child because it was hard enough to have me but she poured her love on to me. I so hope you get your miracle to pour all your obvious and love and warmth onto. When do you start your IVF cycle?
@CurbsideProphet Thanks for your understanding. How did you start to feel better after the early pregnancy loss please? I’ll be feeling fine the suddenly start crying...
@Roo45 I understand the feeling of wanting to cut yourself off completely. Infertility is isolating. And Xmas makes it so so much harder.

@SummersInHvar thank you, I hope so too. I start at the end of January. I’m super emotional this week, I just cried in the vaccine centre when they asked if I could be pregnant and the nice nurse spent 15 mins talking to me about my infertility 😭😭😭

Hey all, I'm really sorry all of us are going through these tough times. I completely understand how isolating it is. We've had 2 birth announcements this past month and it's tough to talk to any friends without any mention of children. It feels very lonely. My husband had a dream recently.. he saw a baby boy and he was so excited when he told me but all I could do was cry because I don't know if that's ever happening. It's all so scary and well, lonely. We're going away on holiday so that'll provide some sort of escape for a bit I guess. I also spoke to a homeopath and have started taking remedies just yesterday. I know it was not exactly needed but with the Christmas closure I just felt like I needed to make some effort to keep myself sane I guess? Not sure that's helping though.

@SummersInHvar that was a very impactful post and I'm so sorry about what you're going through.

@thislittlebird I do hate it at the vaccine centres when they ask! It's tough, good luck for your cycle.

It's really comforting to have some support here. Hugs to all! xxx

@SummersInHvar it's very hard so do be kind to yourself. For me there hasn't been any "feeling better" as such, I've just found ways of getting through it. I'm over 4 months on and I still have days where I have my cry. I look Saying Goodbye on Instagram as their posts are very good at reminding me that grief is normal and it's ok to feel sad, because it is very sad.

Thank you @seekingsolace2
@thislittlebird I’m sorry to hear that, I know sometimes it’s all too much and just comes out. I did find the years of struggling harder than the IVF overall. The failure of the IVF was tough and still is as I’m in the early days of recovering but we got some answers for our ‘unexplained infertility’ such as low egg quality which has given us a way forward with treatment as we are thinking to do genetic testing next. I found the endless cycles of natural trying the absolutely worst part of this journey so it’s amazing you have a date for your IVF and a way forward.

@CurbsideProphet Thank you, I will check out the Instagram thread. You’re right, there is no quick fix to feeling ‘better’ - it’s not something you can mask and say ‘all is fine’ as it’s not and maybe I just have to accept it will take time... Part of me wants to erase this whole journey and just be normal again, not even think about conceiving but I can’t do that either as the longing is too great... at the moment the thing I’m holding onto is my next cycle in April. Have you got plans for another cycle?

@SummersInHvar I really sympathise with wanting to have a life that's not all about trying to have a baby, but it's just not possible because you want it so desperately...
No one asks how I am. For some people it's like it never happened. My MIL / BIL / SIL didn't say anything to me about it. I don't expect them to know, but it's so hurtful. MIL came round 2 weeks after my surgery and I thought she wanted to bring me flowers or something. But no she just moaned about where the neighbours park their cars etc.
We have 1 frozen embryo and were due to have that transfer cycle this month, but they didn't get my estrogen levels right and it had to be cancelled. It's just heartbreak after heartbreak.
We have an appointment with the Consultant on 10th January to discuss. Hopefully we can do the cycle with my period that is due 14th ish January.
We're both quite convinced we'll need a 3rd full cycle, so DH is on the Proxeed and I'm back on ubiquinol etc in anticipation of starting again from the beginning in March.
It's awful to be planning for a failed FET, but I don't seem to be able to stop myself from preparing for the worst. It doesn't make it any easier obviously...

@thislittlebird everywhere I look it's rosy cheeked families in matching pyjamas, grandparents smiling proudly... I feel like I don't fit into the world at the moment. It's really hard isn't it that some people just get everything they want - loving family, spouse, children... The unfairness is like a particularly sharp knife to the soul at this time of year 💔

@SummersInHvar ah, so they actually told you it’s an egg quality thing? Or suspected? I hate all the unknowns of it. I am pleased to be done with this stage, nearly. I have to test this week and stop the progesterone but I don’t want to. I just know I’m not pregnant, I know it won’t have worked.

@CurbsideProphet not fitting in is really relatable. I’ve always hated not fitting in too. It’s a hard time of year. I did buy cute new pyjamas from fat face for Christmas, even if I don’t have matching ones and a family!

@SummersInHvar I just saw your other post, I hope you’re ok, it’s a horrible situation at the worst time of year to boot.

Thank you @thislittlebird I’m feeling better now the process has started and I’m no longer in limbo. I’m excited to move on now with more knowledge.
It is not confirmed that egg quality is poor but suspected. Most of the eggs didn’t grow well during stimulation and were small once collected. 7 out of 8 of the embryos failed to divide past 5 cells on Day 3 so development was arrested and that is usually an egg issue. The one embryo that did grow was our ‘perfect’ 4AA that did everything as expected in the lab but it didn’t work in utero which the doctor said was most likely due to chromosomal abnormality.

So we want to PGT-A test next time, I’m scared I might not get ANY normal embryos but we were on mild stimulation so hopefully increasing my stimulation will give us a better chance of finding a good egg. if it turns out a PGT-A tested embryo still doesn’t work then we will test for immune issues. This was never going to be an easy road because we are ‘unexplained’ but we are moving clinic in January to somewhere which deals with failed cycles and not so straightforward cases. Our previous clinic was for people needing mild IVF only and with minor fertility issues. I feel like we will get many more answers and can change our protocol at our new clinic. This is a learning curve. I said to DH, 2022 is ‘project baby’ year x x x

@SummersInHvar Glad to hear you're feeling a bit better. Was this your first cycle? It's funny, I've read a number of people with 'perfect' embryos that don't implant or fail and then they use a less perfect one and it works, it's such an unpredictable process. What was your protocol? I'm assuming you were with Create.

I have fears about this happening with us, it's hard to believe my eggs will be great at 38. My husband's sperm might be an issue as well, not convinced we'll have a good fertilisation rate. It's hard to remain positive.

It's weird to be moving to IVF now, I do hope 2022 will be project baby year.

@thislittlebird 💯 We thought a 4AA was highly likely to work but nope. That’s also why I want to do PGT-A testing - for my anxiety levels. Because even if this was due to sheer luck, if we got another 4AA again I feel like I would have no faith now that it will work unless it’s been chromosomally tested. By far, the worst part of the whole cycle was from when I was 5 weeks pregnant to 7 weeks pregnant. My symptoms dwindled at 5 weeks so I went to get an HCG beta level test for reassurance - it did the opposite. I knew then it was over. The HCG levels weren’t doubling properly, they were doubling every 4 days instead of every 2 days. Then we were advised to go to the EPU and our scans were inconclusive. I knew something was wrong but was in limbo those whole two weeks. It was absolute hell, I had nightmares every night. So I will do anything to minimise that level of stress again. Yes it was my first cycle, we were with ABC IVF which is a branch of Create. I’m glad we went there for our first cycle though as it gave us loads of information and knowledge to go forward with.

One thing I will say about my experience was it was all super easy. I had built IVF in my mind to be extremely intensive but it wasn’t. The injections were easy, the egg collection was actually enjoyable - I loved being sedated. Lol! I loved feeling chilled. I woke up as if fro ma wonderful dream. The transfer was painless and quick. So I’m not scared at all about the IVF process. It’s more the weeks of hell afterwards waiting to see if the pregnancy is actually viable - I’m hoping with PGT-A we will have a much reduced miscarriage risk. 🙏 I would rather go through several egg retrievals than one more miscarriage

We are looking at the Access packages where you get 100% refund if you don’t take home a baby x x x

Hi ladies, mind if I join? I’m starting down regulation on Boxing Day. I was starting to get excited but with 48 hours to go I’m now going into a panic instead.

I’m in my early thirties and it feels like all of my peers have young families. We lost my DGM just before last Christmas and we’d already been trying for a while then. I remember thinking at the time, this will be a sad Christmas, but I felt sure that by this year we’d have a baby or at least be pregnant.

Since we’ve been trying our lovely nephew was conceived and is now 9 months old. I was buying him clothes for Christmas, feeling very sad looking at all the tiny outfits.

I’m scared of the injections. The clinic aren’t expecting many eggs from me and I’m scared there won’t be any. Scared of doing a pregnancy test if we get that far, I stopped using them a long time ago as it’s just too upsetting. And my egg collection isn’t expected until February so we’ve got weeks of drugs to get through first.

I have endometriosis, low AMH and blocked tubes. So IVF is our only chance but I’m expecting it to fail given all my problems. Feel like our lives are on hold and aware that this could go on for months or years.

Welcome @GodspeedJune 👋🏻
(great name - Under His Eye 🙂)
I hear you. The anticipation is very scary. I just take it minute at a time as sometimes even day at a time feels too much.

I also know what you mean when you say to yourself "next Christmas we'll be happy, it will be our turn then". We started trying late 2019 and were so full of hope and expectations that by Christmas 2020 or at the latest Christmas 2021 we would be buying little Christmas pudding onesies etc.

I don't feel like I have anything useful to say, other than you're not alone with how you feel 💐

Thanks CurbsideProphet May the lord open 😉

That’s good advice about taking it a minute at a time. Especially when the next few days and weeks feel overwhelming.

Not long after posting my Mum called and I ended up having a little cry to her. Feel a bit better for it.

Thank you - I so wish we didn’t all have to go through this. I hope you’re able to have some enjoyment tomorrow despite this rubbish hand we’ve been dealt

Does anyone else find the Christmas Eve Facebook posts really difficult or is it just me being a grinch and sniffling into my baileys?