I can highly recommend 21 Miles - Jessica Hepburn is a friend (I volunteered at Fertility Fest 18 and will be involved in helping to run next year’s festival as well), and I am one of the backers of the book, so my name is printed at the back :) Can also highly recommend her first book ‘In pursuit of motherhood’ - which she describes as her ‘misery memoir’, recounting her journey across 11 (unsuccessful) IVF cycles
Thanks so much for your lovely messages - gave me a massive boost when having the daily ‘WTF am I thinking, there’s no way I can do this’ crisis!
The idea for the book is that it’s very much not a personal memoir, specifically about my story (although that will of course be very much a part), and nor is it specifically a self-help guide.
So much of the narrative around infertility is stories of hope, and staying positive, and 'it'll all be worth it when you have your baby in your arms'. But not everyone does get there. And what so so many women have said is that what they really needed wasn't false positivity, but to hear someone acknowledge that yes, it's really really shit. And really really unfair. And really really gruelling. And that it's very possible that you won't get there. But that eventually YOU WILL BE OK, even if things didn't turn out how you hoped they would.
So it's about giving a platform to that narrative. For women to share their stories, the black humour and the ridiculousness of the crazy shit you end up doing, and a celebration of the hidden community of women supporting each other through what is essentially a very expensive form of self harm.
When I was going through treatment there were lots of books with advice about starting IVF, and some books sharing personal experiences of infertility - but the vast majority had the obligatory happy ending. I didn't want endless inspirational positivity. I wanted to read a book with real women's stories, that acknowledged the ugly, distressing truth - and to feel like I wasn't alone.
So I decided to try and write one.
The working title is "Uber Barrens Club: Sisterhood, Solidarity & Support - Stories from the Club No One Wants to Join".
So I would love to get as many points of view as possible, to share the real stories from uber barrens club.
I’ve been overwhelmed by how many friends have agreed to share their stories, and I would LOVE for you amazing women to share yours.
I’m putting together an online questionnaire to enable people to submit their stories anonymously, and would be beyond grateful if you would contribute to the narrative
I have an agent, who thinks that it could have legs - but a massive part of pitching literary proposals is convincing the publishers that there’s a market for a book like this, and why anyone would want to read/buy it.
So all and any support to help get this book picked up would be HUGELY appreciated.
I’m just testing out the questionnaire and will post it up here once it’s in a good shape - would really welcome your feedback about the questions, before I start sharing it more widely. Is the tone right? Is there anything missing?
I’m also getting a blog up and running (as my agent says this is basically a must for any publisher) - the recent AIBU insensitively is all grist to the mill providing lots of material about what dicks people can be to barrens like us
OK, ramble over.
And as a coda, to answer your excellent question - there will be no happy ending per se, as it’s not my story. It’s the story of a community - so in the outline there’s chapters about parenting after infertility, adoption after infertility, and moving on altogether. We don’t yet know where our journey will go (I’m planning chapters about donor conception and surrogacy also), we have embryos on ice, so the journey isn't necessarily completely over - but certainly from my side there isn’t going to be the obligatory ‘miracle baby’ ending. It’s everyone’s stories, and that means lots of different endings, many of which don’t end with a baby. But that hopefully that whatever the outcome, we will all be OK in the end, eventually.
xx