Long term Secondary Infertility - anyone want to chat?

[closephine85]

Recently I've been feeling like I don't quite fit on any of the threads currently running. I know there is a support thread for ladies with secondary infertility already which I dip in and out of. However, now having watched many women come and go on that thread and seeing new ones come who haven't been trying for so long and are a lot more hopeful of a happy ending than I am, I just want a place to vent/moan/hate on this crap situation but to also be able to refer to the fact that I am a mother (obviously insensitive to do so on some of the other support threads, but where I actually feel more at home).

About me: I have a 5 year old son and have been ttc a second child for 3.5 years. 3 failed rounds of iui and a recent failed round of ivf/IMSI. We have 2 blasts in the freezer but I'm fairly convinced they aren't going to work either due to DH's high DNA fragmentation, I think they are probably chromasomally defunct. So if/when that doesn't work, we either admit defeat or move on to donor sperm. Both shitty options.

I feel defeated. Like I have failed as a mother. I can't give my son a sibling and even if I do, there will be at least 6.5 years between them. In the meantime he has to put up with me being always just a little bit miserable...

Anyone care to join me for a bitch and a moan?

Close- snap with the tiredness of guilt. I'm so sick of having these gorgeous moments it's my son and feeling tinges of sadness that I can't do this all over again. I too find it so hard looking back at photos. It was a time of complete happiness with no clue of what was in store. I've been reading a lot into Mindfulness as a coping mechanism and finding it helps at times.

I've recently moved areas and befriended two lovely mums at my sons pre school. We are meeting at a park next week and the what's app messages have turned into "oh that parks a two parent job with two little ones" and whether the park is contained so their smaller ones can't wander off. I totally understand what you mean about feeling inferior. I feel like I can't contribute to these conversations and I just feel so boring and embarrassed to say if I've had a tough day with my son as I don't have to juggle.

I can't talk about it at all as it's so boring and to be honest I think if someone told me this problem and I wasn't in it I just would think 'oh appreciate what you have and move on' it's so hard to explain how life dominating this is.

It's the last month before ivf round 2 so we've been doing it every other day and as I got a positive opk this morning now every day. I'm tired!!!

Wholoves and weedance welcome and I'm sorry you are also suffering. It does help to just know we aren't all alone in this x

These spammers are really pissing me off!!! Reported and I really hope MNHQ can find a way to put a stop to this as it's ridiculous and callous to prey on vulnerable people going through infertility. Your clinic (Ukraine - must be exceptionally shit that you need to resort to such tactics to raise awareness about it, which granted you have done but not the way you intended to! You'll soon ground it down to a almighty halt!!!

Ooh I feel better after getting. Will be back after a cuppa to catch up with the thread.

Oops typos! an almighty halt after letting all that out!

Hi im a newbie here please can I dip into this thread. We have one ds1 who is 21 months and we have been ttc baby 2 for just over a year with no success. I am 37. I have had tests which show an Amh of 7 which I believe is quite low. I feel bad reading all your other stories for feeling bad if that makes sense as in the scheme of things I guess we've not been trying that long. I started AF today which I think is why I'm feeling low. However it's on my mind all the time and it's started to make me feel a bit crazy. I'm frustrated because there seems no obvious issue or problem. All of the other tests I've had seem to be ok. Think I just needed to vent. Thanks.

Hi ladies

Welcome bear, sorry you find yourself here.

Does anyone else find their lowest moments come at night? I'm shattered and would love to go to sleep but everything is just whirling over and over in my head.

Feeling a bit lonely this week. DH has gone back to work after a week off and all our friends seem to be away or busy. I know it's probably all in my head but I feel like we aren't the obvious choice for play dates because there's no younger child for their younger child(ren) to play with. Feels like I've let ds down. I'm just so fed up of constantly being a bit sad. I haven't had a proper meltdown/cry about all this in quite a while and I wonder if one is brewing...

close - sorry you're feeling like this. I am too. Af arrived in force at the start of our holiday this week and I feel the usual devastation and hopelessness, it seems worse than ever for some reason.
Sometimes a good meltdown/cry helps a little - if it's any small consolation I feel like I am always letting ds down too - he watches all the other multiple children families and seems to accept that he is an only but hardly anyone else is and that is heartbreaking, like he's just trying to get on with it. I'm sick of pretending I'm fine and I can just get on with it too. It's utter crap and I hate being such a failure. You're right - the sadness never goes and I'm sick of it

Hello to all of you on here

I’ve lurked here over the past few months but have never posted…it’s hard to know where I fit in on the various threads and forums.

It’s just that I agree wholeheartedly agree with so many of the thoughts, feelings & experiences expressed by some of you on here.

My situation- I just turned 39 a few weeks ago and we have been TTC number 2 since July last year- so it’s been 13 months so far, nothing really at all in the grand scheme of things.

However, this was off the back of a missed miscarriage last summer- 14 months ago to be precise- we started TTC again as soon as I got the BFN after medical management.

I was 12+6 and started bleeding the day of my dating scan (typical) and it was bad news at the scan. No other signs or alarm bells to indicate that the pregnancy was not progressing well.

We have unfortunately not had a whiff of a BFP in all that time- I have done temping, used OPKs (mainly the cheap ones but did splash out on a CB dual hormone one earlier this year!), signed up for the Ovia app then deleted it in frustration.

I’ve had blood tests done via my GP- FSH, LH and day 21 progesterone- all normal and indicates that I appear to be ovulating.

Currently waiting in sperm analysis results for DH (aged 37)- after asking him since March to see the GP and to try and stop smoking (he still smokes).

I also feel that this whole experience demonstrates my luck having run out or some great big comeuppance for me.

My previous 2 pregnancies happened straight after coming off the combined pill (I was on it from the age of 19- 34 yrs)- there was no planning or analysing or timing things at all. In fact, we only had sex once in the months that we conceived!

I feel like I have gone from one end of the spectrum towards the other…I definitely was one of those women who had “no idea” how hard TTC can be.

It makes me cringe when I look back at the sorts of conversations I had with friends & acquaintances who were struggling with TTC/had experienced miscarriages.

Now that both things have happened/are happening to us, it makes me realise how you cannot truly understand how things are unless it has happened to you.

My friends who have 2/3 children already, with no losses or problems along the way, were lovely when the MMC happened but it was the ones who confided in their losses who I drew the most support from.

I was shocked by a couple of colleagues/acquaintances who had gone through a lot, but I had no idea about until I experienced MMC myself.

For that reason, I do not really confide to any friends in real life, or if the topic is broached, I try to appear very “laid back” about the whole TTC and never express my true fears.

My DH is supportive, but I have to try and dampen down feelings of resentment as he was v reluctant to start TTC number 2 when LO was 18 months old, I tried to explain my fears about getting older (I was about to turn 37 at the time), but he didn’t really get it.

He felt that we had lots of time, it had been easy to conceive the first and no issues at all with the pregnancy. His eyes have sadly been opened to the realities now.

Our LO is now 3.5 years old and I keep thinking about the likely age gaps, find it hard to mix too much with others who had their first around the same time as us and have already had number 2/planning number 3.

It just feels so unfair and why us?

To read all your posts I really feel that they resonate with me and how I feel right now. I’ve mainly been posting on the TTC after miscarriage threads (well, one in particular) and the women on there have been so supportive and it’s felt like a wonderful place to to express fears etc. Especially when none of this gets let out in real life!

But now that nothing has happened over the last 12 months I feel like this kind of thread might be more what I need, the fact I have a LO already and we are facing secondary infertility (there, I’ve said it now).

1 year ago I was so excited to be TTC again, doing OPKs, feeling certain it would happen quickly like my other 2 pregnancies…but now I wonder wether it just me trying to protect myself and keep positive etc. I kept telling myself that I would definitely be pregnant by the end of 2016 (my due date was around then) and that kept me going.

I know that there are so many others out there in a much worse situation and have been TTC for so much longer, but I recognise so many of the thoughts and feelings you have all expressed.

Sorry for the massive brain dump but it feels good to have written this all down!

Wishing you all the best of luck in your TTC journeys

turquoisedress I was a long time lurker til recently too! It's quite liberating to finally post isn't it?

I hear everything you're saying. For me it was especially difficult with the NCT mums who were such great friends in that first year and have all drifted away because I just can't be around them anymore. They've all had their second child and some are having a third. I think because we met and bonded over our pregnancies, the default conversation is always about babies. It's as if no one has anything else to talk about and I feel as if I don't belong as I'm not part of the 2nd (or 3rd) baby club. It sounds awful but I'm literally on the run from them and they've stopped inviting me to get togethers now as I always make my excuses. It's just too painful and I'm not a masochist, I've no intention of putting myself through it. This is hard enough without having to plaster a smile on my face all the time and pretend that all is hunky dory when all I feel like doing is running out the door.

TBF, I also nearly die with boredom when I see the NCTers anyway as when you haven't got a baby, talking about babies for hours is pretty dull. I always tell myself that if I am blessed with another miracle, I will never bore my friends by harping on about sleep/toilet/feeding patterns while people fall asleep into their pasta

Hello weedance and turquoise - welcome to the thread, I know exactly what you're both saying, I go through exactly the same too. I'm sick of putting a brave and happy face on it. I'm so sick of it. It's a big birthday for me soon - 40 - which fills me with horror, and to top it all off af is due at the same time and I have managed to get stuck seeing friends then who have all had their second babies who I have avoided that same weekend so it is going to be a horror show. I wish I could just escape from it all. I've got other things planned but they are all tinged with sadness because I can have a drink and I don't want to be able to.
Another baby bomb today, done sensitively by text though - which is by far the best way - but still makes me sad.
Does anyone ever wonder how fast the time is going by? The babies that took a little bit of time to conceive were born and are now getting older, the mums are going back to work and life is just going on and on and I'm still in the limbo I was before they even got pregnant. I can't get my head round it, it's like everything is moving on but I'm just stood still here, there is not one friend who wanted to get pregnant who hasn't now and yet I'm still here

Hi everyone,
I've been MIA for a while as I've been trying (and failing!) to have a break from the whole ttc/infertility/ivf nightmare.

I'm sorry there hasn't been any fantastic news on here - whenever I check I always hope/ expect to see some, to give me a bit of hope!

Mrskittenpie - you've summed up exactly how I feel! Literally everyone I know has managed to conceive, even the ones who took a while (my sis-in-law and two friends have conceived and given birth to TWO babies in the time we've been trying for one 👊🏻) and needed ivf have had their babies now, and as you say, are heading back to work and will probably be thinking about their second now. I'm bitter and jealous and resentful and I don't even try to hide it anymore.

I'm so sorry for all of us. I wouldn't wish this nightmare on my worst enemy. We have our follow up appointment after spending close to £2000 on consultations and tests with Mr Shehata in London - hopefully we'll get some answers. We're also doing another round of ivf soon and having any embryos genetically tested - i'm probably clutching at straws as I'm sure at least a couple of our previous eight transferred embryos have been normal, but we need to rule everything out.

Lots of love to you all, and I hope you manage to have a nice weekend X

Hi all

Lat nice to hear from you, but sorry to hear your are still going as well!

Sorry I've also been a little quiet lately - I feel like I've pretty much run out of things to say on the matter to be honest. We are also going to try again soon - planning our FET for September but my expectations of it actually working are pretty much non existent! Great attitude huh!

MrsKitten I hope you manage to have some fun on your birthday even though every milestone is so bittersweet. I especially dislike Mother's Day now. I celebrate for DS but absolutely no public Facebook professions of love for how lucky I am as I am acutely aware that I don't need a 'day' to rub in the faces of others not so lucky. I'm sure it causes more pain to those who have nothing to celebrate than the happiness to those who do.

Can I join in? Similar sorry, have almost five year old who was conceived after ten months (felt like forever how Silly I was!) started ttc another three years ago and nothing! Had ectopic last year which was heartbreaking as we thought we had finally done it. Now starting the ivf journey which I never ever wanted to do. We don't have a lot of money so likelihood is we will only be able to afford one, at a push two, cycles.

It's amazing how bitter it makes you about others. Turns you into a horrible person but it's hard when other folk just get pregnant after a few months. My daughter has gave up asking for a brother or sister and it's so sad as I would have loved just a few years between siblings but yeah now I would just be happy to have another.

We bought our house three years with an extra bedroom which we never redecorated as kept waiting for me to get pregnant so that could be the baby's room. Just sad that might never be the case.

Hello and welcome weedance, turquoise and ally. I'm sorry you're also struggling but this is a safe place to vent.

It's all such an uphill struggle and I just feel so flat and hopeless. Getting pregnant now just feels so far out of my reach it's unreal. It's Cd1 as well so that's making me feel even worse about it all.

Lat I hope your appointment with Dr Shehata goes well and you get some answers.

Kitten I really hope you manage to enjoy your birthday but can appreciate that it will be tinged with sadness, as I find many occasions are like that for me too now.

Close I feel the same as there's only so much I can say, although I do lurk here often.

I've been on MN conception boards since around February 2015 and I feel like such a failure still being around. I've had my progesterone levels tested and it was 66 which is obviously great but I'm still not pregnant!! I'll have my cd3 test on Monday which will be cd4 I'm still not sure I want to have any further tests after this one but I'll see what the results are first. DD starts reception in September and I was hoping against hope that we'd have another one on there way now, stupid I know!

Hope everyone manages to enjoy the bank holiday weekend and we get a break on here it's really overdue.

Just checking in to say hi and have a good weekend all. I had a chat with a close member of family this week and revealed to them that I have just finished two more rounds of failed ivf (I did natural with no drugs so only one precious egg each time, but still nothing). I guess it gave me a little perspective as this family member will never have a child due to a savage illness in youth. It made me think about what I have got, rather than what I haven't IYSWIM. It still hurts though and also made me feel guilty, as if I'm being greedy for wanting another. I don't feel my journey is over, I still want one more try and it's hard to know when to stop isn't it? When the money runs out I guess? My DH says not to think about it as we aren't there yet, but I'm not sure he's being realistic as my 41st birthday looms. Sometimes I think that I should just accept the way things are, that it could be worse, but then I immediately shift to feeling completely determined and bloody minded about it. This game totally messes with your head. Full of hope one day, filled with doom and despondency the next. Then I read success stories online about 41 yr olds getting pregnant with ivf twins and my hopes are raised again!

Every single month my body sticks two fingers up to me s couple of days before AF by lumping insomnia on top of it. At least it's a pre warning, but something more subtle where I'm not up half the night would be nicer!

Anyone else on here not had a single BFP in the whole time of trying? Our complete lack of anything just leads me to believe there really is something fundamentally wrong.

Welcome Ally - sorry you're here. Have you had any diagnosis at all?

Dizzy - although it puts it in perspective it doesn't stop us wanting it. The guilt is just the worst emotion in all this. The guilt for wanting more, the guilt for not being able to provide a sibling, the guilt for wanting to keep DS young and innocent and my
'Baby' (he's about to be six so really am stretching it now), the guilt for struggling with the notion that I am the 'lucky' one for already having one, the guilt, the guilt, the fucking GUILT.

Sorry think I was actually responding to weedance with my guilt rant

Could I join too? TTC DC2 since Easter last year. DS is mine from a previous relationship (age 8) and DH has a translocation but we don't know which chromosomes. Have finally managed to explain to very confused doctors why we want infertility/genetic investigations (we live in Germany so added language/unfamiliar health system barrier) and so DH has had a sperm analysis which came out fine and we're going for genetic counselling in January - the waiting list was six months long!

We recognise we're lucky as time is on the right side, we're both 29, but I had DS when I was 20 so am hoping not to still be at this TTC lark too late as I would love to have some energy still when they grow up and leave home. But at the moment the desire for a baby is consuming any worries about age anyway.

I read this thread now and then but can't cope emotionally with reading it regularly. I'm sorry to see that there are so many of us still in this situation.

The holidays have been a nightmare for me. Everywhere I have been there have been families with multiple children and I echo the GUILT. What is my DS thinking when he sees this? Is he bored of his parents company? Do we spoil him too much. Family tickets for sale everywhere that are for 2 adults and 2 children. Tiny thing but I'm clearly not very resilient at the moment.

I really want to live in the moment and be happy with what I have but I can't focus on anything other than having another child.

Any tips on clearing my head???

close - I haven't had a single bfp in the last 3 and a half years of trying. It's soul destroying. I'm sat at work in tears again. My body tortures me with that awful spotting just before af which means I know I've failed yet again and yet I have to wait for full on af, drives me insane every month.

toasted - hello and I totally get it. Everywhere is for multiple families and I am sick of feeling bad about it all the time. Ds keeps asking now why he isn't a brother and it is utterly heartbreaking. I don't know how to pick myself up again this month. I am so bitter and angry at everyone and don't want to see all the multiple children families. The royal announcement has knocked me this morning too - they must literally decide they want a baby and it happens straight off. Why? It is so unfair.

And as for tips toasted I honestly don't know. My secondary infertility is in every single thought I have. I'm so guilty and want to enjoy my life but it has consumed me. I played with ds in the garden Saturday night and I just wanted to cry - he shouldn't have to be so lonely that he asked me to play with him. It is so shit.

Yes. The horrible, shitty, wretched guilt. I'm utterly sick of it. Guilty for not giving DH another child. Guilty for not giving DC a sibling. Guilty for not wanting to pump myself full of ivf drugs (as suggested by clinic) because I prefer to do natural ivf although the chances of success are greatly reduced because I'm not forcing my body to produce more eggs with said drugs. Why should I? I'm doing what I can do, I have to be comfortable with this. I don't want to Inject drugs into my stomach yet again. I hate the thought of it, yet I feel so much pressure to do it.
The fear of missing the boat also looms, as 41 draws nearer and I'm reminded that at this stage it really is time to throw in the towel, unless you are rich enough to throw good money after bad. To top it all I had a row with my mum for criticising my relationship. She then phoned my sister and told her I was on hormones which was making me nuts. I'm furious at my mum and feel as if she has taken my most sacred, precious vulnerability and used it as ammunition. And I'm not even taking stupid hormones! I'm doing natural ivf! Needless to say I'm now not talking to my mum as I find it petty unforgivable and I reluctantly ended up telling my sister about my recent failed ivf which I had wanted to keep secret. I just want to hide under a rock now, I feel like enough of a failure as it is, and now my family know about it too. They are not the most empathic, sensitive bunch so it really is crap.
And as for the Royals and their announcement, well they can fuck right off. I'd pay to have morning sickness right now.

@Weedance
Sorry for all that you are going through

I'm totally with you on your thoughts about the Royal baby news and yep I'd pay to have some morning sickness or even god damn hyperemesis gravidarum right now.

I have never got over it, I'm ashamed to say. I still die a bit inside when I see large families out and about and joyful pregnancy announcements make me feel sick. I particularly hate the "planners" who confidently state the best time of year to have a baby or trumpet about the optimum age gaps.

I can still experience every hurtful comment. Lining up for the school photo when ds started school and the photographer saying, "Just the one? You'll have to borrow one of hers!" pointing at the smug mummy behind me with six floppy-haired dcs. The woman who was moaning about bedtime at the school gate and when I made a comment said, "But you don't have a proper family."

lady the cheek of someone to say that to you. WTAF?? Some people really are shocking aren't they. That is so insulting not to mention nonsensical and plain stupid. flowers for you