Failure stories

[BipBippadotta]

I'm far past the point where I'm interested in fertility success stories. Tales of lucky couples who triumphed over impossible biological odds to have their miracle baby make me want to self-immolate. Help me feel less alone in my utter irreversible barrenness by telling me about all the fertility treatments, supplements, folk remedies, voodoo, etc you've tried, that work for every other fucker on the Internet, but did bugger all for you.

I'll start!

Things that didn't work for us:
Grapefruit juice
Guaifeneisin
COQ10
Acupuncture
Vitamin E
Royal jelly
Wheatgrass
Pycnogenol
Low carbing
Inositol & melatonin
Cutting caffeine and alcohol
L-Arginine
Baby aspirin
Maca
B6
Starflower oil
Soy isoflavones
Clomid for DH (to increase sperm count)
Clomid for me
Clomid & injectables
High doses of antibiotics
Prednisone
IVF with ICSI

Robber I'm so sorry to hear you're in limbo. What a headfuck, with such great hormone levels (higher I think than you'd normally expect with an ectopic) but no visible sac. Really hoping this turns out to be a false alarm but I know the struggle not to hope, so I'll just send you and to get you through the wait. Or cocaine if you prefer. Fuck this shit indeed. Will be thinking of you for Thursday.

And you too, Potatoes. You should have all the wine you want.

Banana I'm so sorry about your rubbish period. It's all so confounding and frustrating. Really hope your consultant manages to make some sense of it all.

Oh fucksticks robber, I sincerely hope it's just too early - it is super early for any kind of scan. Keeping fingers and toes crossed for you.

I'm sorry to hear that things are proving nightmarish for you too banana. Grrr to the ruddy universe. So fucking outrageously unfair.

potatoes, it's just bloody shit isn't it. I'll join you and zippy. I need a drink!

I have just got in after a long day at work. DH is being a moody bastard. I may have to kill him. He forgets I'm doing IVF sometimes, or else he thinks that taking a fuck load of drugs, trekking to appointments on public transport because he has the car, and then having to travel 100 miles for scans etc etc should just be done without acknowledgement. Grrrr. I've been out of the house for 16 hours today, and I'm fucking knackered. And cross.

Hope today is better for you, Tiger. It's weird how easy it is for the people whose bodies aren't affected by IVF to forget / underestimate the amount of exhausting stressful uncomfortable shite it involves. 16 hours is a long time to be trekking around.

My news is that I got my Panorama results:
overall low risk, though inconclusive results for Angelman's Syndrome (which is caused by a microdeletion on chromosome 15 I believe). Apparently the chances of this occurring in a pregnancy are 1 in 12,000 - and they recorded my blood results as an 'unchanged' risk from the average risk, so the clinic didn't recommend CVS and said they considered this a normal, low-risk result.

I don't feel as reassured as I'd like; don't suppose I ever will. Not sure I can remember what reassured feels like. Thinking about whether to have a CVS anyway. CVS carries a risk of miscarriage that is greater than the average pregnant person's risk of Angelman's; but with my awful obstetric history & advanced age & shitty eggs it stands to reason that I don't have the same odds as the average pregnant person, who is about 28 with no history of miscarriage or stillbirth. Without a closer look at the fetal DNA we just won't know. It's really hard.

I think when you've been through something very traumatic it changes what you're able to understand or anticipate; it just doesn't seem possible for me to have a living baby. Pregnancy is a process that leads to death. Every time. The only thing I feel able to prepare for is loss.

It's my daughter's anniversary in a couple of weeks. Autumn always reminds me of coming home from the hospital with an empty car seat and leaking breasts and a huge painful c section wound, to a house with a cot set up and a brand new teddy bear and nappies and a changing mat all laid out. And having to look through brochures for coffins, and reserve a burial plot.

I feel totally blank. I looked at the pregnancy after loss sections a while ago and people are cheerfully decorating nurseries and choosing prams in anticipation of the birth and it makes me start shaking to think about it.

Ugh.

((Big hug)) bip. Must be very tough :(

I'm very wary about buying anything eep buggies cots etc till much later in preg tho as Sadly as you know even giving birth doesn't mean you 100% will bring a baby home

Oh god bip it never lets up does it. Does a cvs give you a definite answer?

Bip, as an outsider who hasn't faced any of the tragedy that you have with pregnancy, your test results are a giant success. Many many congratulations.

Your description of what you came home to after the death of your daughter is beautiful in its agony. Whether we all have existing children or not, that is pain in its purest most uncomplicated form. You have been to the very edge, and I will never stop admiring you for making it to today.

I cannot put into words how much I hope a jolly, beautiful, healthy and perfect baby is growing inside you, full of smiles and happiness, and none of the world weariness that follows you every day. I hope your baby would giggle if he or she knew how worried his mummy was about him or her.

Maybe it will take you 40 weeks to believe it could actually happen for you. But this day may well come for you soon.

Bip, if I were you I would NOT be having a CVS. Your results are fantastic.

Really interesting looking at the thread currently where people are sharing their obstetric histories - makes me feel less alone & freakish to see what others have gone through. Also amazed at the fortitude of women who've had multiple miscarriages & stillbirths and kept on trying.

I'd be willing to bet most of these women with multiple losses (including multiple stillbirths & late miscarriages) will have been told by their doctors that it was just bad luck and chances are everything will be fine next time, because statistically things generally turn out OK most of the time. It's meant well, but essentially it's a form of gaslighting - it ends up making you feel crazy for making inferences about the future based on your own personal medical statistics (which are much more telling about your own body) rather than statistics drawn from a population of other people who are generally younger and haven't had the relatively rare things happen to them that you repeatedly have.

I want to educate the health world about statistics, and what they can and can't tell you about your own experience! Argh!

Completely agree bip

That thread is both heartbreaking and also morbidly reassuring

I'm so pleased the Panorama tests were overwhelmingly positive. Only you and DH can work out what feels right for you re CVS, but know that whatever you decide, we're all here to support you

I can't even begin to imagine how traumatic the upcoming anniversary will be for you and DH, I truly hope that this year will give you a new, happier anniversary to celebrate in years to come.

Tiger gah hope you're feeling better today. And managed not to thump DH

robber everything crossable crossed for you that it's too early to see a proper sac

potatoes it's just really, really fucking shit. Drink away my friend. Drink away too zippy. It's all just shit. I've got due date in a couple of weeks, then 35th birthday a couple of weeks after that, then couple of weeks after that it's the 4th anniversary of my mum's death. When I have the hysto next week I might ask the anaesthetist if he fancies knocking me out for a couple of months instead of 45 mins

Bip, could a CVS show up some things that testing and scans to date would not show up? Some things that are a particular area of fear for you?

If my earlier response seemed in any way trite, I am sorry. That is the opposite of what I was trying to achieve.

Oh no not at all LH, just x-posted with you.

CVS would give a full karyotype, as I understand it, so they could say with certainty that it didn't have any trisomies or large microdeletions.

It really doesn't make much rational sense to do CVS - technically there are other microdeletions and trisomies that I have greater odds for (but lower than general population odds for women my age, based on my blood sample). But my worry is that it seems they weren't able to get a good look at chromosome 15, so the risk they've assigned me for Angelman's Syndrome is the general statistical risk, not one based on this particular fetus's DNA. It's a total guess based on other people's experience. This presses all my 'oh don't worry, I'm sure it'll be Ok! It is for most people!' buttons and makes me freak out.

Man, we could all do with lighter times, couldn't we. Huge hugs, Banana as you approach all those anniversaries of loss while in the midst of the current one. And thinking of everyone starting & waiting for & in the throes of treatment. Robber how are you feeling today? And LH how are you doing? Any news from Icy?

I do totally get that it isn't rational but you still may want to do it. And maybe that is exactly what you will do, because that is right for you.

I have got it into my head that I must do the Harmony AND Panorama test just in case. Clearly I am not someone to advise on rational.

Thinking of you Bip while you get through this particular hurdle. Do let us know what you decide to do.

I am doing well thanks - heading back to London from a family trip to the US tonight. Should be 5 weeks tomorrow. Feel very tense at the moment. Got terrible period pains constantly right now - so have myself convinced that Cyclogest is all that is holding anything up in there. Especially as with previous pregnancies I was badly morning sick by 5 weeks. Not enjoying this at all yet, but hopefully getting back to London, and maybe checking blood levels will help. So fucking tired.

Wow, family trip + early pregnancy post IVF + cramps + exhaustion sound like a heady cocktail of angst. Fwiw I read somewhere that progesterone supplements often reduce morning sickness - something about high levels of progesterone balancing out the hcg.

The main bits of Harmony & Panorama look for the same things so you'd be repeating work if you did them both. The microdeletions test is an add-on to the main Panorama test. You may be able to get that on its own to supplement Harmony.

I don't think the FMC offers Panorama though & I was a bit underwhelmed with The Birth Company who did mine. Mainly because of the unnecessarily chirpy ultrasound tech. Plus it seemed a bit dodgy re: confidentiality that the receptionists were ringing people to give them test results from the front desk (reading out patients' names & birth dates etc) in full hearing of everyone in the waiting room.

Plus they had a fish tank, with a big orange fish who kept blowing sand in the other fishes' eyes, which began to make me a bit frantic.

Not rational reasons not to go somewhere, obvs. But I felt I had a better overall experience at FMC, and the people there are really knowledgeable and happy to answer questions.

Thanks for the flowers and sympathy.

Bip congrats on the test results. I hope you find a way to decide whether to have the further test. The worry and indecision is a killer.

Good to see you pop up again banana. Looks like a difficult few weeks ahead for you.

Have a good trip back lh

We went for a reassurance scan at the Birth Company last time (ha, healthy baby at 8+5, sudden foetal demise 4 days later - we found out at Panorama too, only that was at UDS).

DH kept forgetting the name and it came out as 'the baby shop', so for now the Birth Company is always known in our house as 'the baby shop'

I didn't like fish tank - DH was apoplectic with rage at the books and boards of baby photos. It's supposed to be reassuring as 'look at how good we are at helping couples to have babies', when for us it just feels like 'here's what you're utterly failing to manage to do, but here's what you could have won'

My consultant recommended against the microdeletions BTW as he said they weren't massively accurate. Not that we had the test in the end, because we didn't get past the scan.

I told my consultant that I wasn't ever going back to UDS as I'd have a panic attack if I had to go back into that scan room

Thank fuck we found out about this one by hCG levels and didn't find out at the viability scan. Which would have been in my consultant's scan room. Where I basically spend half my life (looking at my charts I've had something like 24 scans in there this year alone). I can't get PTSD about that room as I'm gonna be in there a lot, so at least we didn't find out in there!

Hysteroscopy has been brought forward to this time next week. Thank goodness BUPA cover miscarriages and gynae procedures so I can get my usual consultant (whose name is Colin and who therefore is Colin the caterpillar 🐛 in my head. Worried when off my tits on anaesthetic I will call him that one day) to do them

We need some bloody good news on this board. LH, I think you may be flying the flag, and Icy if she's still lurking.

Bip, Banana and Potatoes, the last few days have given me a fractional insight into how shit pregnancy loss is. I cannot imagine how you are all still functioning, and I hope you get through upcoming birthdays and anniversaries in the best way possible for you.

Tiger I think that is very normal, DH would occasionally moan about having to do something like get up v early to pick up fertility meds before work, and I would say 'Would you rather have a dildocam shoved up your foof every other day'? He was a bit more supportive after that . How is your treatment going?

LH you nailed it. This whole thing, infertility, pregnancy, loss, is just so tiring.

Bip congratulations on the Panorama results. I can understand why you're worried but they are still a great step forward. How many weeks are you now?

Potatoes, Tiger and Zippy can you have a few drinks for me? I'm still not drinking on the 0.5% chance that this is viable. Or Potatoes, some coke maybe?

Banana is your period still MIA? Glad the hysto is soon. Can you get some caterpillar socks for the procedure?

Tomorrow is an 8.15 blood test, a mad dash to work to cover a conference, then a mad dash back to the hospital for a 1.45pm scan with the consultant. I'm pretty sure it is all over - I haven't had any pains since the terrible ones on Mon night and lesser ones on Tue am, and all my pg symptoms have gone apart from the Beckham boobs and slightly dodgy stomach. Given there's such a tiny chance this is still viable, I'm hoping for a simple miscarriage, as all treatments for ectopic pregnancies sound awful and involve reduced fertility or a long delay before the next round.

How is everyone else's DH? Mine is generally rock solid - he's the rational, scientific, calm and patient one. But this morning I found him crying as he cleaned his teeth. I haven't seen him this upset since he lost his dad.

PS Bip did I miss you hearing about the job? And how is the house?

robber we're all thinking of you tomorrow - I really really hope it's just been shy and you will see a sac in the right place. Everything crossable crossed for you and DH

And it really is about the both of you, for all that it's our bodies as women, it's our babies as couples. My DH and I have sobbed and snotted all over each other. We've both kicked into survival mode like last time. Both stopped eating. We sort of retreat to opposite ends of the house to deal with things in our own way, then come together for a cuddle and a cry and a debrief of all the millions of questions we want to ask at the next appt. Then I go back to trawling google for answers and write up ever more questions in the notebook of doom

I end up rewriting them all anyway but didn't really help when the ink went all runny because I'd cried all over the paper. Classy

Sadly no caterpillar socks for the hysto, as for a general anaesthetic I have to wear some rather fetching compression stockings

Period is on its way out now, although it never really arrived. When all you see is brown / black goop that basically looks like you've shit yourself (I promise, I haven't, l checked) it's no bloody wonder healthy embryos keeping dying in my toxic uterus.

Your description of life after losing your daughter made me made me feel so very sad bip. I can't imagine a greater emptiness. Once you've lived the very worst nightmare, there can't be any reassurance until the possibility of it happening again has passed, and even then, tragedy leaves its mark. CVS or not, doesn't sound like it would take the fear away.

Hope all is ok for you LH and you have a safe journey home.

Good luck today robber. I'm crossing everything for you.

banana glad you've got a plan to get things sorted. A plan makes me feel better at least. I'm so sorry that this is such a shitty old time for you.

Happy birthday potatoes. Hope you manage to eek some enjoyment out of the day. My clinic told me I was still young the other day (I'm 36) so I'm clinging to that desperately!

Sorry to be a whinge-bag, but I am so sick of all the appointments and excuses at work and juggling things already. Scan yesterday and my lining was 7.8 and they want it to be 8....so back in on Friday. Seems a bit picky to me and now I'm Birmingham based this is a bit of a trek! I feel like I'm being totally shit at my job too. Transfer likely to be Thursday, which of course is the day I'm due to be interviewed in relation to a grievance that one of my staff has raised. It's particularly shit because the person has made a serious but false accusation against another staff member. Nice stressful plans for ET day!

DH continued to be a dick too. Yesterday morning (at 6 when I was leaving to go to the scan and he was still in bed ffs) all he had to say was: could I come home early today to see to the dog as he was busy. No I fucking can't! I'm already making excuses to work in the London office to accommodate appointments and taking loads of time off to attend them. It takes me 2 hours to get back vs 15 minutes for him. Surely he can lose one hour at the end of his day on the pretext of an appointment. He manages when he needs a haircut/dentist/gives blood etc but not when its to cover me.

I know it's only minor but I just feel cross and unsupported. He is normally good but for some reason is being shit at the moment. As this is a frozen round he doesn't even have to do anything. I feel angry and resentful and hormonal. He has since apologised, and is trying to be nice, but I am still cross.

Hello, please may I join you? I recognise some of you from other threads where I have shared my story already but I am drawn to a group called Failure Stories with my history...

My son was stillborn at 21 weeks in July. I found out just recently that it was due to an incompetent cervix, which meant I couldn't keep him in any longer as he grew. It's preventable but there are no tests for it so it is usually diagnosed after pregnancy loss.

I am 35 and have been TTC for 4 years, and conceived on the second cycle of ICSI. I am booked into the clinic next week to talk about starting a new cycle. We were originally referred to IVF for sperm issues, but they also found that I have poor quality eggs (resulting in lots of eggs collected but few fertilised, no blastos in the first cycle, no frosties from either cycle) and now I found I can't even grow a baby without medical intervention- it's a bit of a triple whammy.

Mamabear I discovered a polyp during my first cycle after taking the down reg drugs, I had a hysteroscopy to have it removed before I could continue, and restarted the IVSI cycle a couple of months later.

Tiger. Sorry dh isn't more supportive. Def chose a scan place easy /near for you

Robber - hope bloods show good results

Potato happy birthday. Know it will be tough

Blueroses we have spoken on other threads 💐

Banana good news your op has been brought forward

Potatoes happy birthday! and I think MN should create a [coke] emoticon just for you . I hope you're managing to enjoy the day.

Tiger, is your DH still behaving after his apology? I know it is a pain to go back for scans but I think it is good that your clinic are being picky - it can make all the difference. I've seen Banana before give some great stats on ideal IVF linings, I think she said 8 was the absolute minimum. I have everything crossed for Friday and next Thursday (and you know this but your colleague is a twat).

LH travel safe. Are your blood tests tomorrow?

Blue I've seen you on other threads, your story is so sad. You'll find great support here.

Banana that must be horrible. Is your body reabsorbing it all again? How long after the hysto will you get the results?

Bip have you decided about CVS?

Thank you all so much for your messages in the last few days, I wouldn't have got through this without you. I can't believe it, but I'm in that 0.5% of people who have a PUL with high HSG and it is still a viable pregnancy. When they scanned me the 'bit of fluid' they saw the other day has turned into a visible yolk sac. It is still really early days - and they are slightly concerned that the sac isn't as big as Tuesday's HSG level implies that it should be - but for now at least, I'm pregnant and it is definitely not ectopic .

Despite my 8am dash, the bloods weren't back, so I don't know yet if the HSG is increasing as it should. But I'm just happy that there's still some hope there, and my normally shy and sane DH practically boogied his way out of the ward. I go back a week tomorrow for another scan.

sent too soon - Blondes how are you doing now?