Please or to access all these features

Infertility

Our Infertility Support forum is a space to connect with others in the same position, discuss causes, treatment and IVF, and share infertility stories of hope and success.

Failure stories

949 replies

BipBippadotta · 09/07/2016 13:08

I'm far past the point where I'm interested in fertility success stories. Tales of lucky couples who triumphed over impossible biological odds to have their miracle baby make me want to self-immolate. Help me feel less alone in my utter irreversible barrenness by telling me about all the fertility treatments, supplements, folk remedies, voodoo, etc you've tried, that work for every other fucker on the Internet, but did bugger all for you.

I'll start!

Things that didn't work for us:
Grapefruit juice
Guaifeneisin
COQ10
Acupuncture
Vitamin E
Royal jelly
Wheatgrass
Pycnogenol
Low carbing
Inositol & melatonin
Cutting caffeine and alcohol
L-Arginine
Baby aspirin
Maca
B6
Starflower oil
Soy isoflavones
Clomid for DH (to increase sperm count)
Clomid for me
Clomid & injectables
High doses of antibiotics
Prednisone
IVF with ICSI

OP posts:
Thread gallery
19
BipBippadotta · 07/09/2016 10:39

You have described perfectly the state I'm in!

Basically - and I know this is nuts - I only want to go for a scan if I can be sure it will confirm fetal demise. Because I just want the anxiety to go away. Seeing a heartbeat would not help, because I'd spend the next 2 weeks (or however long the pregnancy lasted) thinking, 'has it died yet? Has it died yet?' Which to be fair is what I'm thinking all the time anyway (occasionally mixed in with, 'is it a molar pregnancy? Is it a blighted ovum?').

What's most likely, based on all of my previous pregnancies, is that a scan at this stage will be inconclusive: good heartbeat, but baby small for dates. Or good heartbeat, baby right size for dates, but enlarged yolk sac indicative of gross chromosomal abnormalities. And then I just have to keep going for scans every few days until it dies, which is the most horrible thing in the world. Particularly once you can see its little arms and legs.

It's all about trying to avoid the most horrible thing: is it more horrible to have an unexpected haemorrhage during a meeting? Or to voluntarily start the process of watching my embryo die on a screen over a period of days and weeks? Or be reassured for about 5 seconds and spend the rest of the pregnancy in a state of ever-increasing terror, because the longer it all goes on the higher the probability of another stillbirth. The least horrible thing would be to go and find it was already over. Isn't that sad?

This sounds awful but I just wish I'd cut my losses and given up trying after IVF. I don't think I'd really understood how traumatic this would be.

OP posts:
tigerdog · 07/09/2016 11:20

That really is sad bip, you have been through so much trauma. My heart aches for you.

Could you think of it as a ticking off of scenarios instead? Have the scan and confirm it isn't molar, blighted ovum, is/isn't still going. You already have pretty much every worst case scenario at your disposal at the moment, not just because you've lived them, but if you could just remove one or two from that list gradually then perhaps that would in some way help? I suspect not really but it's all I've got!

If you had experienced the trauma of say, nearly drowning, no one would expect you to be swimming the channel within months of that happening, and yet here you are, doing the ttc equivalent. Hats off to you for simply surviving each day.

BipBippadotta · 07/09/2016 11:44

Aw, thanks, tigerdog.

I think what I need to bear in mind is that I have the proven capacity to withstand all sorts of horrible things. While I'd obviously prefer horrible things to stop happening, I do always seem to cope by hook or by crook, so I'll get through this somehow. I have promised myself some nice treats for when it's over, whenever and however that happens: dinner and fuckloads of beautiful wine at a Michelin starred restaurant, and a posh dress & amazing underwear & new shoes to wear when I go. (Plus a new outfit for DH as I don't think they'd let him in in his holey trainers and moth-eaten favourite jumper) (This is slightly less of a treat as I will have to drag him kicking & screaming to the shops).

OP posts:
RhodaBull · 07/09/2016 11:57

Fingers crossed for you, BipBippadotta.

I don't know why I haunt infertility threads as I'm too old to have a baby now, but I just feel like punching people who proclaim how easy it is to conceive at 40+. 40+? Make that 46, 47, 48+. Don't people realise that all those celebs springing babies at an advanced age are conning them? I was on the thread where someone is musing about having a baby at 43. And what really gets my goat is people talking about "starting a family" at 45 or whatever. As if it's an option to have six children at that age.

Just had to have a quick vent!

monkeytree · 07/09/2016 13:26

Oh BIp, I hope your suspicions are wrong.....I knew my third pregnancy just felt 'wrong ' from the start. I convinced myself because I was having a ds instead of a DD that it was bound to be different, I can't believe he struggled on to 20 weeks. By then you think everything is going to be o.k, despite Intuitively knowing they are not. I had bought baby clothes in a sale the week before my fatal scan and had started the which buggy debate. I continue to feel utterly cheated despite having 2 dd's previously, it seems inappropriate to say this to you. I cannot believe you have been through so much and you are still standing. Losing ds has utterly changed so much in my life at 42 I don't have the lovely option of a rainbow baby that so many ladies in their 20's and 30's have. I run a fertility support group and know infertility strikes younger ladies too, there are lots of couples waiting for their rainbow, it is the lack of hope I find difficult, something (or someone) is always missing. You have been through so much it is difficult not to fear the worse, I hope your intuition proves wrong this time X

I don't want to advise you, I wouldn't be rushing out to have a scan either, I would be terrified but ultimately, I think I would have to know what's going on. Like you, I think I would have all the fearful thoughts running through my head having had this devastating experience in the past. The thing is for me, I'm not sure this experience will ever truly be in my past. I would need to feel I was asserting a bit of control somehow despite that as we know, being an Illusion. BIp, my thoughts are with you X

BipBippadotta · 07/09/2016 14:10

Yes! I've just let rip on that thread, Rhoda! FFS. I can't bear the infertility-deniers! My experience = everyone's experience! Anyone who claims to have had a different experience from me is lying or being goady! Drives me fucking mad.

Thanks, Monkeytree. It's hard to know after so many losses whether I have an 'instinct' about this pregnancy or whether I'm just concluding from my 100% failure rate so far that this will inevitably go the same way. I didn't have any sense that things were wrong when my daughter died, so I feel all my instincts are out of whack and don't really trust anything except past experience. Brilliant that you're running an infertility support group - that is such a lovely an important thing.

OP posts:
RobberBride · 07/09/2016 18:24

Bip I'm so sorry, it is a horrible decision either way. Like Tiger I'd much rather know the truth than face the unknown, but I can see why a scan won't necessarily help. Are you sleeping? If you are, I say wait. If you're not, I say scan. Sleep deprivation makes it all worse.

Wave to everyone else. Sorry for jumping in and out, I am shattered after waking up at 2am with a hideous sudden onset UTI thanks to the shag schedule. Fortunately my doc was great, told me off for driving to work with a temperature, but gave me pregnancy safe antibiotics. Safe to say that neither a victory lap nor pilates nor yoga will happen tonight!

QOD · 07/09/2016 18:31

It's all shit
I'm 47 and still wonder if I'm pregnant each month
I've never conceived 🙄

I do know I'm lucky but it was a horrendous 7 yrs getting there so I do know how each and everyone of you feel
Although I don't feel I suffered as much actually as I never suffered a
Miscarriage obviously

Zippybear · 07/09/2016 20:13

Oh bip I've been lurking away with my fingers crossed for you, so so sorry to hear this. I am lighting a candle in front of our fertility statue on the mantelpiece for you just now (Seriously). I've only been through beta hell which was horrendous, potential miscarriage hell sounds like a whole new level of pain. no advice over scan/ don't scan. Just FlowersFlowersFlowers and I'll down a Wine on your behalf x

LHReturns · 07/09/2016 20:51

Bip just popping up to send you so much warmth and support. While many of us read your posts filled with so much knowldedge, experience, wisdom, advice, sympathy, humour and glorious eloquence - you are also a real person whose infertility story is almost unbelievable. I'm so sorry you are suffering again today.

For what it is worth I would have to get a scan as I would be paralysed until I knew. But I haven't been through what you have so my view is irrelevant.

I am so sorry if this is trite - but I just know I would so love you to be my friend in real life. Whether your much deserved baby comes or not, I wish you EVERY iota of luck and satisfaction in every other part of your life until your dying day. You deserve a lifetime of delight and envy-inducing good fortune to wallow in.

Please keep us informed.

PotatoesPastaAndBread · 07/09/2016 21:31

bip I'm sorry to hear you're having such a stressful time and facing such an awful set of decisions. Nothing I can say would be of any help. Thinking of you and your dh, I hope you can keep talking and find a way through together.

We are going need pictures of your super hot Michelin restaurant dress and shoes though.

Love to the cats as well.

PeaOp · 07/09/2016 21:34

Oh bip sorry to hear this. I wish I could give you as clear, warm and perfect advice as you have given to so many of us but I just don't know what to say except that we are all wishing the best for you and your DH x

bananafish81 · 08/09/2016 09:20

Bip nothing useful to add except to say am thinking of you. Echoing everything the ladies have already said - really hoping with every fibre of my being that your gut is wrong and that all is well. And that you’re restricted to hideously ugly maternity underwear for a Michelin star dinner. I would personally do the scan, but there’s no right or wrong answer. It’s all shit. Trite as it sounds, we’re here for you whatever you decide, whatever the outcome.

Rhoda argh that thread fucked me off so much! Everyone saying ‘but my grandma had kids when she was 47, stop being so negative’ needed a flamethrower aimed at them. Thank you for jumping in.

Robber you poor thing with the UTI - any fertile fucker that claims ‘the baby making phase was fun’ has clearly never sat there shooting up and then ended up pissing razor blades after enforced shagging. Hope the ABs knock it on the head. I used to get recurrent UTIs (possible the root cause of which may have been the ureaplasma infection I tested positive for) and for a couple of days I was told it was fine to take a double dose of ibuprofen (ie the prescription strength dose) as long as I took it with food and took ranitidine to protect my stomach. Ironically considering I take morphine strength painkillers, ibuprofen was the only thing that relieved the agony of cystitis.

I did yoga all throughout my 2ww and pregnancy last time - just told the teacher to treat me as if I was pregnant during the former, because of the risk of ovarian torsion (no twists or abdominal work), I didn’t do inversions, and I did more restorative poses. I did pilates too, TBH absolute necessity to do both with my hypermobility.

QOD beautiful story! What an amazing friend.

tiger I read about it being a good idea to take calcium if you’re on pred / clexane because it can thin bones. I think that’s almost certainly on a higher dose and over the long term, but I figured it couldn’t hurt. I read something about Mr Shehata saying magnesium could be beneficial for women with recurrent miscarriage -probably total bollocks, but who doesn’t love taking extra vitamins for no good reason?!

Magic tummy rub woman hasn’t asked me about vaginal steaming since the first time I went. I think my casting doubt on castor oil packs probably set the tone, haha. Was actually very relaxing, although I’m sure it didn’t do anything different to a normal massage. Except that a normal massage for me is with a remedial soft tissue woman at my physio where I normally come out bruised, so probably slightly more relaxing! Hope the buserelin is going OK and not too headachey

Good luck with EC today LH!

Scan last night confirmed we are GO for today. FET @ 1pm. Will try not to get too over enthusiastic with the water drinking like last time: was aiming for ‘medium full bladder’ and ended up cross-eyed, desperately trying not to pee on my consultant as he was squirting a potential future human into my uterus. ET went fine last time, and he did a mock transfer while I was knocked out for EC (‘while you’re in there’). If I can not pee on him that will be a good start.

We had a really good chat last night, discussed what next steps would be if the cycle failed, I wanted to discuss how we would manage a miscarriage. Cheery stuff. But I like to have a plan. He said we'd done literally all we could, there was no stone left unturned, there's nothing more we could or should be doing or have done, and he is feeling very positive about the position we are in - but now it's out of our control. We've thrown everything science has to offer and now it's over to 'magic'. I like that he offers positivity but not optimism, if that makes sense. All we can do now is roll the dice and hope our number comes up.

Just have to shit myself this morning waiting for the email from the embryologist to confirm the thaw. Aaaaarrrgggghhhhh. Such a head fuck.

LokisUnderpants · 08/09/2016 09:27

I discovered this tread at 4am. I've read through every post and half laughed half cried at the familiarity of the heartache. I've got splinters like thorns from clutching so many straws.

Like you bip I've had an ever increasing list of traumatic losses including on diagnoses of PUL - pregnancy of unknown location, one emergency surgery for a ruptured ectopic and a more calm second surgery for another ectopic this time I the only remaining tube. I laughed when the second ectopic was diagnosed. How unlikely I said... Actually more likely with your history they replied. Wiped the hysterical smile from my face. So at 35 and tubeless IVF is the only possibility.

So here I am, sitting in a souless apartment in Prague waiting to go to Gennet to get the egg retrieval done. Was supposed to be today and a fresh 3 day transfer done on Sunday before we fly home.

Due to slow growing follicles the collection date has been pushed out and out. So now collection will be done on Saturday and I fly home Sunday with a more heightened sense of my empty uterus. Any and all embryos will be PGS and then frozen.

I feel so sad because I know that as soon as I get pregnant it will be a joyless discovery while we wait for the miscarriage to manifest. Pregnancy scares the life out of me because it's been so far associated with horrific pain, suffering and utter heartache.

We've agreed we're only doing this once. I'm off out soon to buy myself a new pair of lucky/not lucky socks for egg collection on Saturday morning.

LokisUnderpants · 08/09/2016 09:28

Sorry for the epic post. I'm so bloody hormental Blush

TheBarreness · 08/09/2016 12:57

Hi everyone. I've been reading along for a little while now, and this thread does feel like my spiritual home! I wish every one of you the best of luck, but I know how meaningless that is.

I am feeling compelled to post at this point because I had EC yesterday. This is my second cycle of ICSI. The first ended in an early miscarriage (so early that the bleeding started almost as soon as I reduced the progesterone dose), so this time I am egg sharing because I didn't want to go through all of this for nothing again - the idea that another woman can at least try to get what she wants where trying would otherwise not be an option is what is making this psychologically possible for me.

I would feel more positive about the miscarriage being unlikely except for the fact that DH has been found to have a genetic issue which nobody seems to be able to explain to us. We saw a geneticist when I was pregnant before the miscarriage (medical appointment timing can create hilarity all round Hmm) who said that her best guess is that the genetic defect would cause early miscarriages but that she couldn't say at which stage it would be. So potentially I could get pregnant 100 times and miscarry early on every time... But then there is always that hope that maybe last time was just 'one of those things' and this time will be different(!)

So yesterday they collected 18 eggs from me. I've had the phone call this morning to say that of the 9 I kept, 8 were mature enough to inject and 3 have fertilised. Last time we got 2 fertilised out of 6 which were mature enough, but one of the embryos went 'weird' in the embryoscope and we were left with only the one for a 2 day transfer. We are waiting for a pre-8am call tomorrow to tell us if we are in for another 2 day transfer of if they want to gamble for Monday. I'm expecting that we will go in, on the assumption that at least one of them will go weird again... It makes things like planning work really interesting!

I am feeling the need to join in here because everyone, including DH, is channeling positivity and hope and good feelings. I do not feel hopeful. I feel like I am just ticking off stages until the inevitable disappointment again. If we end in the same situation, I don't think I can do more fertility treatment - I can't keep trying over and over (inflaming other health conditions in the process), knowing that our embryos will never develop even a heartbeat. It's difficult to be the one to say that though, because everyone else has so much bloody hope.

Blondeshavemorefun · 08/09/2016 13:12

Blip. My heart goes out to you. I would have a scan as then you will know for sure but so so so hope your feeling is wrong

Banana - hope fet goes well. Agree the full bladder is annoying and my fef before this one I thought I was going to wet myself as the scanner was pressing down on my tummy - and the catheter even tho tiny I could see on the screen plus my very full bladder and even the slightest touch made me think I was going to pee in stirrups

Underpants I hope ec goes well and that some are viable to freeze. Is there anyway you can change your flight and stay to have a fresh transfer - rather then freeze? Or is that what your clinic advise?

Barrenness. What a selfless act you are doing. To share your eggs

I wish you all well and tho have said several times on thread but for newbies - and those who have been trying for a while

don't give up. I ttc for 10yrs and 4 failed private ivf but the 5th hit the jackpot

Currently 11w preg xx

BipBippadotta · 08/09/2016 13:46

Aw, you're all so bloody lovely! I honestly don't know how I'd get through any of this without you all. So many different experiences but you all get it.

LH How's your cycle going?

zippybear oh no, what happened with beta hell?

Robber My sympathies - there really is little worse than a UTI. Poor reward for your success as an elite athlete of the endurance shagging world! Hope you feel better soon.

Potatoes how you doing? Holiday not too far away now?

Pea hope you're doing all right. Still stabbing?

And QOD my acupuncturist used to say that too - she couldn't wait for menopause as she said as long as she still has periods she will wonder each month whether it's finally happened...

Nausea back with a vengeance last night and this morning, not that that really means anything. I've decided not to have a scan while the weather's nice, because I want to be able to enjoy the sunshine. If the weather holds out I may just make it to Panorama day.

OP posts:
BipBippadotta · 08/09/2016 14:26

Whoa lots of xposts! I started my post and then went to lunch and then posted it.

Barrenness nice to meet you and sorry you're here. Best of luck for your embryos. 18 eggs - that's quite a haul, you must have felt like a chicken! I feel your pain re: hope and positivity from all corners when you're feeling desolate. It's like your nose is being held to the grindstone by people who haven't really processed the facts of the situation (bit of a mixed metaphor there) and you'll never be able to move on.

Loki I'm so sorry about your ectopics and miscarriages. And fuck it's hard planning your life around IVF when your follicles won't play ball. There seem to be so many of us on here who don't fit neatly in the standard 10-12-day-stims box. Please show us your fancy Czech egg collection socks when you get them - how many follicles have you got in the running? Needless to say I get you re: pregnancy being terrifying. I've come to think of it as a sort of terminal illness by proxy, as it only ever seems to end in death. Cheery thoughts.

Banana Yay for FET! Please let us know how it went, and whether you peed on the consultant!

Blondes congrats on the pregnancy! Really good to know this shit can work sometimes.

LH didn't realise it was the big day today - good luck!

OP posts:
LokisUnderpants · 08/09/2016 14:31

blondes they'll do a 3 day transfer for me but I've been here since Tuesday as it is. Did not see the extra 2 days stimming coming so we were supposed to have a day 3 transfer. Work stuff means that I have to go home. Sad

LokisUnderpants · 08/09/2016 14:35

Didn't see your new post until after I posted! bip Grin

I've got 4 on the right and 3 on the left. The biggest is 21mm and the rest were hovering around 15/16mm yesterday. Doc was pushing to get them to at least 18mm.

I promise to post my lucky Czech egg collection socks Wink

LHReturns · 08/09/2016 14:45

Hello all, and so lovely to see some new names here.

Bip I am bloody delighted you feel sick again. Sorry but I am.

Home from EC - we got 6 eggs which was a better outcome than I could have hoped. One more than we got when we did our frozen cycle back in March.

We are doing ICSI as we had terrible fertilisation last time (despite normal sperm analysis), so let the waiting begin.

I am quietly doing a jigsaw puzzle, while my miniature ShihTzu (tiny 4lbs) sits on my lap. He was neutered yesterday and feeling very sorry for himself. Feeling calm and better. Should be working. Bollox to that.

LokisUnderpants · 08/09/2016 14:47

LH fingers crossed that you'll get a couple of good blasts from that haul. I'll be happy with 2 or 3 at this rate given my ovaries apparent lack of interest in the drugs Hmm

BipBippadotta · 08/09/2016 15:22

Oh God LH you and the dog have both been in the wars. Pic?

OP posts:
LokisUnderpants · 08/09/2016 15:36

I haven't read it and I don't plan to either.

I had a glance at a forum I was on when we started to TTC 6 years ago. Some of the girls are on their third Sad

Myself and DH are discussing life after infertility plans. It includes distracting ourselves with travel and shopping. Will we be able to fill the void?

I read the thread about deciding not to have children. I wish I could just decide not to want this anymore. It would be so much easier.