BESH - relocated to less offensive surroundings

[cooperG]

Hi hags, here's our new thread. Did we decide to post the BESH-tionnaire or not? I'll have to go and dig it out if so..

Newbies - we think we're much like the ladies in the 'mind-numbing boredom of infertility' thread ladies, but we can't admit defeat, oh no. After the new recruits kind of dried up over in conception, we've moved over here where there are no insta-differs to send us into fits of rage/tears.

(BESH stands for Bitter Evil Selfish Hags - named so by the Daily Mail I think...) come and be bitter about the shit-ness that is infertility with us...

Amazing Place! So pleased it's not all been a complete waste.

Sam Its so hard to remain positive and not fear the worst. The best of luck for your scan today.

I'm in Czech and have ET this afternoon- off for breakfast in a mo. Then acupuncture and then Intrapilids so it's all go today. Slept terribly last night but that's not much of a shock. I'll just be glad once it's all done and I'm PUPO.

Best of luck rose!

That's amazing news Place!! So relieved for you.

Rose, good luck today! Hope you're having bountiful hotel breakfast. lThink, um, fertile thoughts ... glad that our waits will overlap for a bit.

And everything crossed for you Sam - gosh, lots going on. Hopefully we're all on a lucky streak!

I now have only 4 full days to wait Feel fairly certain it hasn't worked and I'm dreading having to spend the morning waiting at the hospital blood clinic after having negative HPT. Mr Noodles doesn't trust HPTs so I think he'll be really uneasy if I don't. Wanted to ask him last night but thought we should have one fertility-free evening ...! WWYD? Have I borrowed enough trouble yet?!

Great news place! Hope all goes smoothly tomorrow. Thanks for the advice on the endo scratch.

Good luck rose for the ET and Sam for the scan!

Rebecca I would HPT Monday (but no earlier) and do blood tests on Tuesday whatever the result. My clinic doesn't do blood tests so have to rely on a HPT 16 days after EC.

Place, that's great news, best of luck for tomorrow.

Good luck this afternoon Rose.

Not long now Rebecca.

So today was a weird one, I had my scan and they think they can see a sac but can't see if anything is in it. So positive that it's not ectopic but still nothing confirmed. They think that if it is viable then I'm not as far on as thought so possibly between 4/5 weeks. I have had a blood test today with a follow up test on Saturday and another scan on Monday. I left the hosp feeling less positive than I was walking in. Mr Sam is not in a happy place. It's going to be a teary day.

How many weeks are you now? Is it one of those grey areas where it's too early to tell and you just need another week? Ah SoSam, it's never fucking easy or straightforward. Will be thinking of you and mr SoSam. We can sometimes overlook how deeply emotional the menz are. This has to be your time. We are going to kick this last part of 2016 in the arse!

It's just all complete bullshit. Trying to be positive but it's hard. Because my last bleed was a miscarriage it's hard to date it from the calendar. I'm just hoping the scan is too early and the egg yolk will be visible on Monday. I also had another cheery thought today when I realised that I have now been pregnant as many times as my sister and she four kids!! Sorry, crazy negative today x

Sam I'm sorry the scan wasn't conclusive but Fx that it was just too soon. I know it doesn't make today any easier so look after yourself and mr Sam.

So sorry that the scan hasn't yet given you the reassurance you were hoping for Sam It may just be that it's too early to see anything else yet. I will be keeping everything crossed for Monday for you.

Rebecca only a few more days of suspense for you. I hope you're wrong and there's much more going on in there than you think. The waiting is just so tough.

AFM- transfer went well. Lining was 9mm and the transfer was very smooth. I'm PUPO with a hatching blast. The 2ww begins.

Sam, sorry - that sounds so nerve-wracking and frustrating. I really hope you get good news on Monday. The uncertainty is so awful.

And congrats Rose!! Let's hope your blast is settling in nicely. When do you test?

Hope transfer went smoothly Place.

And thanks for the advice Blueroses - I'm sorry I've been so down-beat. I'm not out yet! We'll see. Either way it will be good to know one way or the other.

Hi ladies, thank you for your support yesterday. I am sorry I was so down beat. I do fully appreciate the fortunate circumstance I find myself in of the potential of a pregnancy. I was just having a major down turn but I promise to be more upbeat from now on. I need to shake it off and be positive. Sorry again.

I hope all of you are ok today x

Hags,

I have been doing some field work, no internet (or electricity or running water for that matter, but it was still wonderful) but thought of you all a lot.

Place Jesus, what a week you've had. And what a bunch of cunts. Glad that two eggs fertilised and wishing you all the good luck that you deserve after being treated so badly.

Rose Congrats! The next couple of weeks may feel a bit long but we will be here for you.

SoSam I am sorry the scan was not more conclusive but as you say, it is hard to date it if your last bleed was a cp. I am thinking of you and Mr Sam and hoping for very positive results. Please don't apologise, you can rant as much as you want here, we understand.

Hags, I feel a bit deflated. My "period" was a three day spotting. I am worried something is wrong, that I have adhesions or something after my D&C... I am going for a scan next week, to see if it was an actual period or what but I have the feeling that I have more tests and hysteroscopies etc ahead of me. I just don't want to. Why does everything have to be so difficult?

Sorry for the moan, I had too much wine last night and I am feeling sorry for myself.

Oh, Sam and Erica - please don't feel like you're being self-pitying! You've both been through hell as has everyone here. Sam, that was heartbreaking about your sister having the same number of pregnancies as you and she has 4 kids. I don't understand why life is so shit sometimes. As you say, you are pregnant for now, and I really really hope that it works but equally must be a scary place to be. Rant away any time. Outside world is where we have to pretend, not here .

Erica, ugh. Why is there always something?! Honestly - all you want is for something to work the way it's supposed to!! It's not much to ask. I wish I could advise but have no clue. And I wish I could tell you to just shelve all the tests for now and have a break from the whole shitty merry-go-round but I suppose you do have to investigate for health reasons. It's miserable. I'm so sorry. I hope you get out of limbo land soon.

I feel so sad today too, hags. Sorry - now I know I'm being a bit self-pitying compared to all of you who have had multiple losses. And I could be pregnant (10-15 percent chance, let's not forget) .

But I just feel really, really low today - that kind of doomy, panicky feeling that I get right before AF. A friend cancelled on me today for the 3rd or 4th time in a row and it's just upset me disproportionately. She's sick and things are manic with her little boy, apparently :( Even though I'm normally pretty cheerful in real life, I think she feels guilty around me and doesn't know what to say to me any more. I suspect she might also be pregnant.

I just feel very isolated from my friends. All of my close friends who are in a position to try have got pregnant in late /mid 30s with ease. And yes, I know you'll say that I might not know the full story etc but actually I do, because we talk about these things. Two of my best friends who were my bridesmaids, 3.5 years ago, were single at our wedding but are having their first baby this year. I am happy for them, but I feel jealous too and a horrible person. Then I know two others who aren't even in a position to try (chronic health, bad relationship). I know I'm lucky in comparison. But I can't really talk to either group about how I'm feeling. Or at least, I can to a degree but I know it gets tedious for them after a while, because what can they say really? I suppose I'll have to try and make some new friends.

Sorry, guys. I feel like I'm about to cry. I've got a ton of work to do and can't concentrate on any of it. Oh dear, not a good day for BESH!

PS Erica in my non-expert option I'm sure the spotting is nothing serious like adhesions - surely it's just your system has been totally confused and is just getting back to normal. Obviously I don't have a clue, though. Hugs, hag.

Rebecca You poor thing. Please feel free to be sad and rant here. Shall we all have a self-pity fest today?

I also feel isolated from my friends. A number of them have had fertility issues but they have all had babies (some of them two) in these five years that I have been trying... Nowadays I hang out more with people that are not in the babyzone, either because they are not interested or because they are still in the dating phase... And I am just happier for it. They are aware of my mc-s and stuff but don't see it has the biggest drama in the world and helps so I don't either (sometimes).

I was planning to go and sign up for a new gym today but I cannot be bothered. I want to eat cake and wallow.

Rebecca Just seen your message. Thanks! Actually, after further research it looks more likely that it is my body adjusting than adhesions... but you know, you start expecting everything to go wrong.

Do you know when you will test? Or if you will at all, before the bloods?

Thanks Erica.

You're right about childless friends. I do have several, and though they're not all my closest friends I am gravitating more towards them as I just find them better company. (Although, as another friend said to me recently, even the gays are all having kids now). Weirdly, I mentioned our issues to one of them and she was way more sympathetic than any of my friends with kids who have all basically said, 'Oh, poor you but it'll be fine, I'm sure it'll happen for you soon.' Which almost sounds like a threat to me. It will happen soon and until then I don't want to hear about it.

Yes, I'm officially getting paranoid which as we all know is great for friendships

I applaud the pity party. Sod the gym, woman! I'm going to do a few hours on a less demanding thing and then I'm checking out. Going to watch trashy TV and curl up in a blanket. I was in a cafe earlier but some very loud women came in with their babies (who were far quieter and better behaved than them) and I just left for my mental health.

In parenthesis Erica, your field work sounds amazing. Do you work for DFID or for an NGO? I won't enquire too much though as don't want to out you...

"Yes, I'm officially getting paranoid which as we all know is great for friendships" - Laughed at this!!

I know what you mean, my childfree friends don't go all "yeah, yeah, it will happen blah blah blah". They listen to me and offer support and they seem to trust that I will get through this, no matter what, which makes me feel way more empowered than "everything happens for a reason", "your time will come" etc bullshit.

I work for an NGO -I really love it and from a very selfish point of view, it helps me gain perspective and make me realise that tons of shitty situations in life are just down to good/bad luck so it is not worth it to dwell on reasons or blame oneself too much.

Rebecca, well said re: SoSam and Erica having been through the wringer and this is the place to express exactly how you're feeling. If not here than where? I've felt it be a haven for me over the last week of absolute bullshit I've been through. I know the rest of you don't mind if I pour my heart out for a bit and would hate for anyone to be holding back on account of appearing pessimistic. Ffs, this is the shit show after all!

Erica, your work sounds amazing, and I'm massively jealous. I do like to keep thing in perspective and try to give thanks for the things I have, which is a lot, but sometimes you just need to have a big self pitying "why meeeeee?!!!!!"

I've moved to this part of the world two years ago and I've made a grand total of one friend so far, lol. She struggles far more than I do in the ttc stakes she has severe endo/adeno, a permanent colostomy bag and her doctors and pushing for her to have a complete hysterectomy...I'm mean, thank god I am able to even attempt IVF. But like the rest of you my other friends back home are all having babies, ones that were single when I got married, my last ttc online group are ALL pregnant and most had or onto their second. I confided in my cousin and his response was to continually send photos of his newborn baby....sigh. I suppose I'm trying to say, that you hags are the ones that get me through the tough day, sniff.

Anyway, I'm back from et. Was a very smooth transfer. I did a bit of stretchy yoga and some nice guided meditations before and after in lieu of acupuncture, so I'm nice and calm, despite mr place having a hissy fit in the car park before and accidentally hitting me in the face as he was pointing at a car that wouldn't move. I screamed "you're ruining my calm Ffs!" Lol.
We had two put back in. At this stage they want them to be between 2 and 4 cell. One was a "beautiful" 2 cell (FS words ) and the other had raced away at 7 cells, so that's not looking too good, but was told that they can slow down and can result in pregnancy. The thing is theyre not even day 2 embryos yet, we really have no idea of quality or if they'll survive past today etc. Just got to be supremely grateful that we are this far along.

Congratulations rose!! I join you in a very long 2 weeks, fx for us both!

Ok sorry for novella.

Hi all. Just thought I'd catch up. For some reason I haven't been getting notifications so i'd no idea there had been so much happening.
I just wanted to say my heart goes out to you all at the minute. It seems that there's a lot of you in difficult situations. How you didn't punch someone place, I'll never know. That just sounds horrendous treatment . I'm glad you outed them. Don't they realise it's people's lives their messing with . I had another stupid early short period. I did 2 tests and of course BFN. My boobs are killing me and I'm so tired all the time. Oh and to top it all off I'm teaching abortion and IVF at min. I had a speaker from a pro life charity in school yesterday and had to sit through his presentation 3 times . Sending positive vibes to you all xx

Oh BESH, group hug!
Sorry to hear that everyone is feeling so low- this shit is HARD!

Sam It's horrible to be in limbo. I hope you have some solid answers soon

K8liz So sorry for the BFN. Where are you in your cycle?

Place Great that transfer was nice and smooth. Now for the awful waiting- when is OTD for you? Mine is 27th.....That's the equivalent of 20dpo for me- no chance I'm waiting that long!

Erica Place and Rebecca I'll join you with the isolation from friends. With the exception of my two closest friends (who are my saviours in RL) I have completely isolated myself from my friends. I had nothing of any interest to say to them because TTC took over my life, and those friends with young children just pissed me off beyond belief, so I ended up losing most of them. It's another sad side effect of infertility There are so many.

Can I join the group hug too please? I'm sorry that there are so much tough times at the moment, but as others have said, here to listen so rant away!

I'm trying to separate the grief, baby loss and thinking about my little boy from the hope and excitement, and practicalities, of my new cycle. I just haven't got the headspace to deal with both at the same time. Today is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day and around the world people are lighting candles at 7pm for all babies that are no longer with us. I'm so full of thinking of Jovan, I can't cope with much else today.

Blueroses You can have an extra long squeeze. Your post has brought tears to my eyes. You use up all the headspace you need I will be joining you in lighting a candle at 7pm. X

Hi Rosebud I'm now day 16. I came in day 24 last month. I'm at he consultants on Thursday, so I'm going to mention that since the 3rd miscarriage my periods have gone haywire. We're not actively trying at min, only had sex once this month tho, unusually just because I fancied sex with my hubby not because we're doing it ttc. I just can't face being pregnant at the same time 3 years in a row. I'm hoping that consultant will refer us for IVF rather than having to wait until March 2017.
On the friends thing. Over the summer one of my best friends for 18yrs stopped speaking to me over my miscarriages. She said to one of my other friends I need to toughen up and that I should accept it natures way of telling me i can't have kids . All of my friends have children, bar one, I'm def the odd one out.
We all def need a group hug. I'll be lighting my candle tonight for my 3 babies. Love to you all xx

Oh and Blueroses I think you're an incredibly brave, courageous and strong woman. I truly hope you get the rainbow baby you so deserve xx