BESH - relocated to less offensive surroundings

[cooperG]

Hi hags, here's our new thread. Did we decide to post the BESH-tionnaire or not? I'll have to go and dig it out if so..

Newbies - we think we're much like the ladies in the 'mind-numbing boredom of infertility' thread ladies, but we can't admit defeat, oh no. After the new recruits kind of dried up over in conception, we've moved over here where there are no insta-differs to send us into fits of rage/tears.

(BESH stands for Bitter Evil Selfish Hags - named so by the Daily Mail I think...) come and be bitter about the shit-ness that is infertility with us...

Lava lamps and plinky plonky music!? Interesting. I would have thought that would only be worthwhile with those dual prescriptions we were talking about. Anyway, congrats on a successful transfer! I want to hear all crazy symptom spotting.

Erica...I hear you. I have been through that emotion a number of times myself. Fuck it, I don't even want this. Fuck it, it's not going to work anyway. Fuck it, we will just open an animal sanctuary... then after awhile, may as well give it a go. It might work, etc...obvs that meant I wasn't ready to give up. We started trying in 2012, plus there's been a 2 year wait for this cycle from the last (no possibility of a miracle pregnancy without serious intervention on both of us). So I've had to switch those emotions off, it's just self preservation in the face of adversity/disappointment. I may sound excited about this cycle now (because it feels good to be actually doing something) but my expectations of it actually working, and I get to take home a real live baby peak at about 5%. If you feel like you're truly not up for it, then don't do it and see how it feels. Maybe you'll feel disappointed. Maybe you'll feel relief. Maybe you'll feel relief for awhile and then disappointment. Its a fucker that we have to think so much about this shit. Everyone else gets drunk, has sex, pees on a stick and then has to get used to the idea of being a parent. We have to spend years thinking about it and if we are ready and how it's going to affect our lives, in between the bad news and the disappointments and the intense searing pain of it all. The thing I suppose I'm trying to say is, give yourself a break, go easy on yourself. You've been through so much, you don't have to rush the next step, or even know what you want to do about the next step. It'll come to you in the end. You're an incredibly strong hag, Just treat yourself gently at this time.

Well I'm back from my first scan. They measured 11 follies between 7 and 12mm (plus a bunch of smaller ones) and lining at 7mm. I know that's not so impressive, but I am massively relieved. I expect bad news at every turn, so it's nice to know that there will at least be an egg or two to try to fertilise if they ever get any sperm out of mr place. I'm feeling pretty sore though despite early days and moderate numbers. On a side note, all of this oestrogen kicked in and gave me some umm...interesting dreams last night

Hi ladies, I'm really glad to hear that the transfer went well yesterday Rebecca. Fingers crossed for the next couple of weeks. Lava lamps? Don't think I've seen one of those working since I was at uni never mind in a fertility hosp! How strange.

Rose I'm glad the scan went well. Now all you have to do is try and relax until next Thursday! Good luck x

This, sounds like good numbers. I'd be pleased with that too, it's a good result. Fingers crossed that Mr and Mrs ingredients like each other. Hope the dreams are good ones

Erica, I'm not sure I can add much more to what the ladies have said before me. You have been through such a tough time of it. Maybe giving yourself a break might be the right thing to do? Only you can be the one to say what you want to do next. The ups and downs of this stupid, annoying, upsetting, heartbreaking journey is all very unfair. I've been thinking about you a lot today, take lots of care of yourself x

I know this sounds crazy but every time I go to the loo I keep expecting blood to appear, totally unhealthily worried about another m/c. My oh has said he's just waiting to lose it too. Why can't we be innocently content like some of those bastards out there that don't know any better. Xx

Oh SoSam..I wanted to see how you are getting on. I really can't say anything to comfort you. Having been through it, you can't un go through it iykwim. I think if I ever get pregnant again, I'll be feeling exactly as you both do. I suppose all you can do is worry and hope that's all it will ever be. Geez I'm loads of comfort tonight! Sorry, I just don't want to patronise you with platitudes.nothing will stop you worrying. I just hope every now and then you can stop and think "right now I'm pregnant" and I hope that can bring you some joy, even if only for a moment.

Thanks this, I appreciate the kind words. I'm just wishing time to pass by so we can get to a safer zone x

SoSam Poor you. I think that having a mini heart attack every time you go to the toilet is normal, in our circumstances. It sucks and probably nothing will stop you from worrying ... but you can do this. You have gone through so much, you are nails, woman! And we are all here for you.

Place Those numbers sound really good to me!! And great to know that the oestrogen side effects are something to look forward to, he he.

Rose Exciting news about Thursday next week. Whoop!

k8liz77, Rebecca and everyone else .... thanks for responding to my SOS call, you hags are amazing! The thing is, I don't even feel bitter and angry wit life anymore (please don't kick me out of BESH!!!). I am just content. Mr Erica and I get home from work and open a bottle of wine and chat and see friends and there is no forced TTC sex (but lots of nice sex) and I am not constantly checking my period tracking app against our work travel schedule.

I don't even get upset to pregnancy announcements (and there have been a few in the last couple of weeks), the whole thing has become (for now) completely alien to me.

HOWEVER. I am going to try IVF in my next cycle. There are two reasons for this:

• I think that going into it feeling relaxed and "neutral", as Rebecca says, it is better than having lots of pressure on and feeling that if it does not work it is the end of the world.

• I am going to 100% out myself here but I don't care. I am looking into permanently moving to Eastern Africa at the beginning of next year (at the moment I come and go). I could of course shelve the idea and try IVF here (there are some good clinics and judging by the amount of boy-girl twins you see around, they must be pretty good! ) but having PGD, I think I need the best lab we can afford and we have such a good relationship with our current clinic and I am so happy with our consultant... I just want to try with them. So it makes sense to do it now, logistically speaking.

Maybe it is the power of the BESH but I started spotting this morning so it looks like I will be joining the IVF crew in around 4 weeks then! ARGH!

Erica, I can completely hear the good place you're at in your post. That is awesome!! Your plans sound amazing too! I think after awhile you just have to go into these rounds with a neutral attitude. It's the only way to try to keep any semblance of sanity. East Africa, wow! I'd love to go there. I did read somewhere about the high yam consumption creating high fraternal twinning rates somewhere in Africa, not sure if that's true, but I read it on the interwebz, so it must be. Also yay for BESH power and droid summoningness! BESH BESH BESH BESH BSEH!!!

Erica, I think your state of mind is extremely healthy and a positive place to be. I love a good plan 😀 Xx

Go Erica. That sounds like a plan. A big move sounds like a great thing to look forward to whatever happens.

And those are great results so far Place and Rose. Whew. Every hurdle crossed deserves celebrating.

Sam, thinking of you. Have you a date for scan yet from EPU?

AFM, no exciting symptoms except constant headache and v tired today. Must be twins!!

By the way, what the heck is this emoji meant to be? Last chance saloon for my ovaries ...?

Looks like a radioactive symbol on my screen. With all the drugs I'm shooting and swallowing, it's quite apt, ha.

Hello BESH, it's been a long time since I've been on here but just thought I'd drop in. I'm a BESH graduate and I'm not here to gloat-just to say hang in there. It took me 5 years, many invasive tests, 2 rounds of IVF and a hell of a lot of pain, heartache, anger and jealous rage (I couldn't help it!) but I eventually came out the other side and currently have 5 month old mini me sitting on my lap asleep. It's bloody terrible being in the situation you are in and sometimes you just want to tell people like me to sod off-I totally get it. I nearly gave up so many times but so glad I didn't. But I just want to say hang in there. It can happen to you too. There is hope and in the meantime there's gin. X

Erica sounds like exciting times ahead whatever happens. For what it's worth, I think neutral thinking is best for self-preservation.

SoSam the worry is understandable but hopefully you don't have too long to wait for the first scan.

Place and Rosebud yay that all is going to plan.

Rebecca fingers firmly crossed.

AFM I had my consultant appointment today, and her main concern was about whether we were sure that we were mentally ready to try again. I just feel like I don't want to wait any longer if there is no medical reason to wait. She wants me to do a saline scan thing (I didn't catch the proper name) to check everything is ok after my pregnancy and as it needs to be done the first half of a cycle and I'm on CD13 today, I'm booked in for tomorrow afternoon! If all looks OK, I may be able to start a long protocol this cycle. I've been thinking about it for months but now it's here it feels like it's all happening really quickly.

Hope and gin, that's lovely, Bear, congratulations.

Thanks bear, I hope we all get there soon.

Blue roses, imagine you just want to get started but then the reality is pretty terrifying. I suppose you just have to dive in. Exciting though too??

Place exciting yes, but the fear of failure is higher than ever now. I will stim on a lower dose for slightly longer in the hope of increasing number of mature eggs compared to the last cycle.

Thanks, guys! I just feel really normal for the first time in ages. Of course I would love to have a baby, but I would also love a night of passion with Brad Pitt (is it still ok to to fancy Brad Pitt??) but I don't go around moping because I can't. i know it's a terrible, shallow example but you know what I mean.

Rebecca Definitely a radioactive symbol. Maybe because the BESH power is lethal?? (apologies for the cheese!!! )

Congrats Bear and thanks for popping by. It is always so nice to hear that it can happen, it DOES happen.

BlueRoses I think it is sensible from your consultant to make sure you feel ready but no one knows your mind better than yourselves so I would not be too put off by it... Thinking of your "saline" test today, hope it goes well! Maybe we will get on it together? Hugs, hag.

Hope everyone has nice plans for the week end. Mine definitely include gin and dogs!

Erica I think it's ok to fancy Brad Pitt but seriously, you seem to be in a good place.

My scan (3D Saline Sonogram) felt really awkward, like having a smear test with liquid squirted in along with a probe by a dildo cam. But the good news is that it showed nothing problematic (only a little fibroid that has been there for years and no-one seems concerned about), such a relief. Next step is a booking appointment before starting DR. The receptionist claimed that they were fully booked until the 19th (which means I'd have to wait til the next cycle) but the nurses were more sympathetic so if the clinic can fit me in next week, I could start DR on CD21 which is next Friday! All happening v quickly now.

Great news blue Roses! I think once you make up your mind to do it, you want to do it now, not having to wait and wait. Interesting description, lol! That does sound like it would be strange.

Rebecca, symptoms please!

I've got my final scan on Monday. Had one yesterday and all looking on track. We might get 7ish I'm thinking from their sizes. Ec and SSR scheduled for Wednesday. I just want the SSR to be over with. Mr place is getting difficult to live with, constant hangdog expression, constant depression, always talking about risks. I feel quite unsupported actually because he's so focussed on himself. Im hoping once it's over he can put it behind him.

How are the rest of the hags? Hope you're all having some nice weekend time.

Whaaaa BlueRoses, great news and everything going so fast!

Place Good to hear that it is all going according to plan, will be thinking of you on Monday (while I talk to teenagers about the risks of unwanted pregnancy... oh the irony!)

Sorry to hear that Mr Place is being difficult. Is he so down because of the treatment etc?

Hags, hope no one took offence with the Brad Pitt metaphor. Of course fancying a celeb has nothing to do with wanting a baby and struggling with infertility. What I meant is that becoming a mum has become as unobtainable for me, and it has somehow fallen below the real life radar.

Haha Erica...the day we were told we were miscarrying, mr place had to go straight to uni students and teach sexual selection. Survival of genes etc...irony indeed, poor fucker. Poor you too, that is truly a cruel joke.

Erica, I took great offence at the Brad metaphor ... because I way prefer Kit Harington (Jon Snow from Game of Thrones). I know, he's more than ten years younger than me, what can I say. The hag wants what it wants.

Blueroses good news on the scan though it doesn't sound fun. Good that that's out of the way and you know your body can cope with the process. Now you just have to steel your mind. It must be very hard - kudos for getting back on the horse and we'll be cheering you on.

Place, sorry to hear Mr Place is being off. It's really hard balancing the needs of both people as you go through this shitstorm together. Hugs and glad scan went well.

So, symptoms ... None. Nothing going on whatsoever ... I'm kind of not thinking about it too much. I know it sounds incredible but it's true. I suppose I'm trying to accept the fact that it is less likely to work than not work ... Also we had a nice chat with a doctor last week who told us she thinks chances of success for someone my age (39) are 10-15%. Ironic considering that the figures on their website give 22% for my age group, and the doctor before told me, 'Oh, you've got a better chance, your bloods are good, I think 30-40%' and that was before we got to blast stage.

I know they pull these figures out of the air ... But still! So I'm taking the tablets but I feel sort of unconvinced about it all. But aside from that, having a nice weekend - going to see the Louis Theroux Scientology movie tonight. With a burger before hand. Though, alas, not a beer (though Dr 10% tells me she thinks a bit of alcohol makes no difference, which is interesting ...)

Have a good weekend, everyone.

Cross post Place ... that sound so sad and horribly ironic. I am really glad my work doesn't involve children or babies in any way!! I don't even smile at babies when I see them in cafes any more. I snatch their toys away instead

Sam Its sad that the innocence of pregnancy has gone for most of us but as others have said you've just got to think that right now you are pregnant and, other than follow the pregnancy guidelines, there is nothing else you can do or not do to influence what happens. (I suppose in a way that's what makes it so scary)
How are you getting on? When is your scan booked for?

Erica you sound like you are in a great place. What is your secret? Did the droid get into full swing in the end?
BTW- It's impossible to be offensive when it involves Brad Pitt x

Blueroses it must be such a difficult balance between excitement to get going again and fear for the unknown path ahead. Great that your saline tests came back clear! And you have a potential start date- things feel like they are going at a snails pace and then suddenly, bang, you are about to cycle. It's mad.

Place Good luck for your final scan tomorrow. Here's hoping your ovaries are full of lovely ripening grapes ready to be picked. It's all go at the moment! Are you feeling a bit uncomfortable down there now? I imagine Mr Place is feeling the pressure of SSR and as he's a man he has tunnel vision on. I'm sure he'll focus his concern back towards you once it's done. very frustrating though, I can imagine.

Rebecca- glad you are staying in your PUPO bubble a bit longer. The stats are the stats- who knows which side of them we will each fall. Just got to plough on and hope for the best. You sound like you are doing a great job so far.

AFM started progesterone arse injections yest eve. Joy. I swear DH gets a little power trip when jabbing it into my butt......surprising

Hello all, thanks for all the well wishes! Am still lurking, just oh so bloody tired to do anything with my spare time but lie about like a lazy so and so and eat (starving all the time.)

So much happening on here at the moment, can barely keep up.

Sosam congrats on your BFP! Hope you are feeling OK. Rebeccanoodles keeping everything crossed for you. Rosebud hope the intralipids not making you feel too bad? Not sure what the side effects are there...Are you also on steroids like me? Joy...
Place sounds positive on follicle count. I had roughly the same as you, ended up with six eggs being retrieved. Quality not quantity remember! Erica your plans sound very exciting, have spent quite a bit of time in East Africa, what an amazing experience to go and work there. Travel/work abroad is always on my mind too. I think you are right, there is always a "life less ordinary" to be lived, with or without children.

Sorry if I have missed anyone off, have a hard time keeping up!

Things are OK here, 9+2 weeks already. Feeling knackered, anxious, worried, sad, happy...all of the above several times per day! Is a total headfuck to be honest. DH's close cousin has just had a baby and there are a million photos flying around, plus family visits. Last weekend I totes avoided it as couldn't face it at all. Not sure why I thought the feelings of jealousy, sadness etc would suddenly evaporate once I got a BFP but anyway, they don't! At all.

Sending good positive vibes your way. Have a good Sunday.

rose just sticking my head round the door and so pleased to see you're on track for for ET. Very best of luck to you - am really hoping this is your time lady!

And to the rest of the BESH - keep plugging away, you will come through all this, one way or another. Us barrens are a hardy lot, and I wish you all success & happiness no matter where you end up with your treatment. 👊🏻💪🏻