BESH - relocated to less offensive surroundings

[cooperG]

Hi hags, here's our new thread. Did we decide to post the BESH-tionnaire or not? I'll have to go and dig it out if so..

Newbies - we think we're much like the ladies in the 'mind-numbing boredom of infertility' thread ladies, but we can't admit defeat, oh no. After the new recruits kind of dried up over in conception, we've moved over here where there are no insta-differs to send us into fits of rage/tears.

(BESH stands for Bitter Evil Selfish Hags - named so by the Daily Mail I think...) come and be bitter about the shit-ness that is infertility with us...

Hi everyone and welcome Bluerose99. I'm so sorry about your son. . Lurk or post any time, whatever helps most - take your time.

Place glad you're feeling a bit better ... Rant away any time!

All fingers crossed for you Jen - must be such a nerve-wracking time but I really hope it all goes smoothly for you. Glad you've found some like-minded souls to chat to, it gives hope to see all those grads ...

I'm fine, just feeling a bit rubbish today with sore back (unrelated to IVF, just an old thing that complains now and then ... like me :) ... Beginning to realise shit is about to get real and transfer could be as soon as 10 days' time - eek! Scan went fine - I am lucky that we haven't had any hitches so far. The bit I'm really scared of is testing day. 😯

Erica, I don't know anything about PGS but I'm glad you feel a bit reassured. We were disappointed when we only got 2 blastocytes out of our 13 embryos, but I tell myself that way we got the only 2 that were going to make it ... Hopefully that's true!? I'm really glad your boss is being decent about it all, hurray for good bosses.

Rosebud and K8liz hope you're surviving school. Rose, I got the Headspace app - it's great! Very relaxing. I've done the 10 days free intro and now debating whether to subscribe -might be worth it!

Hi ladies, sorry I've not been around for a bit.

I'm glad there is progress for some of you and you are cycling.

Jen, fingers crossed for your scan. Hope all is well.

Blue roses, I'm so sorry, how desperately sad. Post any time you're ready too.

AFM, I've been trying to shove the baby stress in a small box and swallow it down deep but it's just not happening. I'm currently on sleeping pills trying to increase my 3hrs a night and help me lower my anxiety levels. They are doing fuck all but I'll keep going! Also I've found out that because we had a positive after the last cycle (albeit for 4 days - chemical pregnancy) we have to wait until November before we do anything. Time just keeps passing by.

Big hugs to everyone else out there x

Hi Sam ... I'm sorry you're feeling so low. I know what it's like. Today I had a real moment of despair thinking about other people moving forward with their lives and while we're stuck in this limbo. We met a friend this weekend who was talking about how he gets no sleep etc with his two kids and how lucky we are and I was just thinking, if only you knew.

You've had such a disappointment after that last BFP and now to wait til November must be so tough. Is there anyone in RL you can talk to? A counsellor or someone ... Sorry if that's something you can't do or have ruled out. Hugs to you and to everyone who's feeling down.

Thanks Rebecca, just going through a little tough patch at the moment. I wish we could just stop time for a little bit so we can catch up with everyone else before we keep going. I was thinking about doing some counselling again. I did it a few years ago after the ectopic (long story, nearly died etc) and found it really helpful so maybe that's the way to go again. I'll have a good think about it. Hugs back at you xx

Thanks for the welcomes.

I had the results of the post mortem and other tests today. There was absolutely nothing wrong with Jovan - genetically and physically he was perfect.

It turns out that I have an incompetent cervix, which couldn't hold him any longer as he grew. Apparently there are no tests for this, sadly it can only be diagnosed after a pregnancy loss, but can be treated in any future pregnancy with a cervical stitch.

It's a relief to know the cause but I just feel it's absolutely tragic that I couldn't keep my healthy baby alive. Thinking about a future pregnancy is so difficult after 4 years TTC with a triple whammy of fertility challenges - sperm issues, poor egg quality, and now I find I can't even grow a baby without intervention 😰

Erica - I've only heard good things about PGS, quality over quantity seems to win in this game.

Rebecca - how exciting to have a transfer planned soon! Understand what you mean about being in limbo.

Sam - sorry to hear that your having tough times. I've been having counselling on and off for about 3 years, I find it helps. Hopefully you can find something that helps you.

Blueroses You poor thing and your poor DH. That must have been hard news to hear about Jovan. I'm glad they can help you in the future - but so very sad all the same that it couldn't have been done before. An incompetent cervix seems quite an unfortunate thing to call it ... So hard for you after you overcame all those other hurdles.

K8liz Has work got a bit better for you now or still as chaotic as it is for me? Do you ever think about what you could do instead of teaching? I'm in that frame of mind at the mo (again!) but working out what to do instead is proving tough!

Place How are you doing? Are you and Mr Place friends again now? It's horrible when everything gets on top of you and boils over but at least then it's out of your system x

Erica glad you are feeling more positive about the PGS testing. Sometimes i think it takes hearing it from others to get the reassurance you need that you are doing "the right thing". It's only natural to second guess and question everything.

Jen less than a week until your scan now! I hope you are just about holding out. Let us know how it all goes. I'm keeping everything crossed for you and your little embie.

Blueroses My heart absolutely goes out to you. I have been following your story on the pregnancy after infertility board as I have been checking in with some of my favourite MN buddies Stealth, Grumpel and Vixx who are now over there.
I think you are so so amazingly strong to be through what you have been through and still feel able to support others. It's incredible.
I'm so sorry to hear the news that you received today- I can't even begin to imagine how hard it is but you mustn't blame yourself Nobody could possibly predict such an awful thing happening. I have read your blog and I think you write beautifully- you are keeping Jovan's memory alive and it brings a tear to my eye.

Rebecca glad you like the headspace app- I need to get back on it too! I just reuse the 10 free ones if I'm honest! They do the job perfectly plus I have a few IVF ones in my Dropbox given to me by a friend. I can send them to you if you like? Just pm me your Dropbox address x

Sam the waiting is the worst! could you book a little trip away in the meantime to have something nice to focus on? That's what I try to do, if funds allow.

AFM- My temp has plummeted so the droid is defo on its way!!! So ET in about 22 days I reckon- Eek.

Rosebud thanks for following my story and for your kind words. I don't feel strong but am just getting through each day. How exciting to be close to ET. Is it a FET cycle?

Rebecca I guess I'm immune to the phrase now but your comment conjures up images of the condition being named by a fusty old male gynaecologist exclaiming "the cervix is just incompetent".

Urgent advice needed please ladies.... The droid is here but started at lunchtime and hasn't really got going yet. Lots of brown sludge and now some dark red (enough for a tampon) Sorry for TMI but would you count today as CD1 or tomorrow for the purposes of a FET? X

Ah, I know that sludge well. That sludge is my old friend. I remember reading somewhere that full flow by 5pm (ie enough to need a tampon) meant Day One. I think what you describe sounds like Day 1 to me.

Trying to think of a catchy line like, If it's a Fountain Start Counting, if it's Sludge Don't Budge but not quite there yet. Congrats on AF anyway!

I'd say enough for a tampon is day one

I agree, sounds like day one to me. At my clinic bleeding before 2pm counted as day one xx

Thanks all- it got extremely heavy overnight so definitely counting yesterday as day 1. So I start my meds today- oestrogen, pred, aspirin for the time being; plus supplements. PIO and Clexane will be added later in the cycle too.

Excited and nervous all at once! I really hope this is third time lucky.

Rebecca You do make me laugh! X

Sorry for not posting for a while. I've been reading everything. You lovely ladies are so strong to keep going and stay positive. I've just had enough at the minute. This months stupid 5 day early period shit has just pissed me off so much. It's also not great time of year for me. I've been pregnant twice in sept/oct and then had 2 mmc in Dec 2014 and Nov 2015. I just can't even contemplate getting pregnant again at this time 3 years in a row .

Rosebud I'm so tired. School seems so full on already. Had 2 nights when I've not got home until 9:15pm due to open evenings 😬 However, a couple of years ago I dropped to 4 days. Best decision ever but I still find it full on. I have 15 key stage 3 classes this year!
Sorry for miserable post, it's coming up to 6 yrs we've been ttc and I've just had enough.

K8, I'm so with you on this, we're only four years in but I'm completely fed up. It's totally understandable that you find this time of year hard. As one of you guys once put it, it's a totally 'shit show'. It's hard to stay 'peppy' sometimes. I've had one of those days today where i just seem to see pregnant people everywhere. I'm ridiculously jealous at the moment. All very bah humbug! X

I just reread my post, I'm not making light of how you may be feeling, it's a completely awful time xx

SoSam don't worry. I didn't read it that way at all. I was just pleased someone had responded so quickly and can empathise with me xx

K8liz I'm not surprised you are feeling so low at the mo. With mcs, infertility and difficult anniversaries coming up, it is completely understandable.
....... And with 2 open evenings to contend with on top of all of that- well that's enough to send anyone over the edge
But seriously- this shit is hard. You are allowed to feel down and have shitty days/weeks/months. That's what we are all here to support each other through X

I've now booked everything for FET. ET will be 13th Oct. Fly out on 12th and back on 14th.
And we are going to try 2 blasts this time- they are graded lower than our previous ones so our warped logic says this is acceptable

Rose How exciting, the countdown begins. how you get on with all the jabs etc? Xx

Hi hags, sorry for absence. How is everyone? I've been following along but feeling a bit low to post.

K8 this time of year must be awful for you. Let's hope you can seriously break that trend and ge you properly duffed!

Rose, how exciting! I've got my ec on 12 so we will be in the 2ww together (assuming nothing fucks up and I'm not holding my breath!)

Rebecca, that was genius.

Hello blue roses. I'm so sorry o hear of your story. I think we're a pretty compassionate bunch. There's nowhere else that I feel as understood as here. I hope it's as comforting for you until you get your much deserved baby.

Hello to all other BESH out there. I'm off for my baseline scan today. Was still spotting sludge yesterday, so hopefully lining is thin enough to start the stims. I want som hormones back! I've broken out around my mouth and look like some degenerate junkie. I caught people staring at me on the plane. Also mr place has come down with some awful virus. I originally thought it was man flu but have stopped eye rolling since I felt him covered in a cold sweat. Of course this has me thinking that there will now be no sperm on the day. Just got to keep our fingers crossed!

Hello all, been lurking for a while but not posted. Sounds like things are progressing with the IVFs and I am wishing you all the very best of luck. Place are you down regging? That is the absolute pits, I felt like topping myself but a lot better once I started stims.

Rose good luck with the FET!

Went for our scan yesterday at 7+5, all well and saw a little heartbeat. Happy but of course still terrified! Went for some counselling at the clinic beforehand with DH which seemed to help a little to focus on the present.

Sending good vibes out to all of you, hang in there.

Great news Jen.

Rosebud are you having treatment abroad? How are you getting on?

Place what stage are you at now?

Hi blue roses, I'm 3 days into stims ATM. I have my first scan on Wednesday. I'm very worried about having a poor response, but nothing I can do about that now. How are you getting on?

Jen, great to hear things are all good with you. I don't think the worrying will ever stop once you start down the infertile road. Such a shame.

K8 I hope my last comment to you didn't sound flippant. I really didn't mean it to come across that way. Just clumsily trying to say that you deserve to have things work out well after all you've been through. That goes for everyone here.

SoSam, how's the anxiety? Are you managing any sleep?

Erica, any sign of the droid?

Rebecca, any news on transfer date? It must be soon?