BESH - relocated to less offensive surroundings

[cooperG]

Hi hags, here's our new thread. Did we decide to post the BESH-tionnaire or not? I'll have to go and dig it out if so..

Newbies - we think we're much like the ladies in the 'mind-numbing boredom of infertility' thread ladies, but we can't admit defeat, oh no. After the new recruits kind of dried up over in conception, we've moved over here where there are no insta-differs to send us into fits of rage/tears.

(BESH stands for Bitter Evil Selfish Hags - named so by the Daily Mail I think...) come and be bitter about the shit-ness that is infertility with us...

Thanks Erica, how are you doing? Hope today was ok.

SoSam, I've got everything crossed for you! Spotting could be implantation bleed?

I'm having a rough day today ladies and I just wanted to vent and get some advice really. I'm feeling quite low. I'm not sure how much longer I can keep going ttc. I'm fed up with the side effects of steriods, I'm fed up with the monthly am I / aren't I pregnant crap, I'm tired of waiting for it to be my turn and I'm not sure I even want IVF anymore. You ladies that have gone through IVF must be so strong, I'm not sure I'm willing to put myself or my hubby through it all anymore. It's been nearly 6 years and I'm 40 soon . Trying to have a baby has taken over my life. I said I wouldn't let it, but it def has, especially the last 2 yrs with 3 miscarriages and all the shit that goes with that. Maybe it's time to say enough is enough X

SoSam and Jen How are your 2ww's going? Sam only 2 days to go until your planned POAS!!! And pink spotting definitely sounds like a good sign to me!

Place Hurray for AF arriving and for having dates and a plan. A plan always helps you feel more in control of this entirely out of control process.

Erica So sorry for your Dad's response. The only way I can rationalise it is to think that your Dad just doesn't know what to say for the best, so says something that he thinks is helpful, but actually is bloody painful and upsetting. He doesn't mean to upset you I'm sure- people are just naive and clueless.
I hope your ERPC went as well as can be expected yesterday, and you are resting in bed today xx

Welcome Emily These ladies are great and have made me feel so welcome here. I'm sure you will find the same. How did your fertility clinic appointment go?

K8liz It's so so hard at times, isn't it? I do think there comes a time when you might hold up your hands and say enough is enough. BUT before you get to that stage you need to be sure that, in your heart, you feel you have done enough. For me and DH, we have spoken about when enough is enough. We've said that we will do 2 fresh cycles of IVF; 1 cycle without PGS and all the FETs that come from that (we started with 6 embryos, and now have 4 left), and then another fresh cycle with PGS and all the FETs that may come from that. So we have an end point in mind. Have you have DH had a similar discussion about where your limits lie? I think it helps to give a sense of where you are on the 'journey'.
Would you always be thinking "what if" if you didn't try everything you are willing to try? It's just awful.

Are you on steroids for immune related reasons? Or for another reason? I'm going to try steroids for my next FET but only a very small dose as a "just in case" I have immune issues.

AFM- CD19 and still waiting for any signs of a natural ov (chance will be a fine thing!). Then once AF is here, we will start our meds for our next FET. We are added immunes including intralipids to this next FET and transferring 2 5-day embryos next time. I have to feel like I'm doing something different each cycle in the hope that it will make the difference.

K8liz, it's such a shit show isn't it. Big hugs heading your way. My OH and I have had a loose discussion about what our next steps are if this cycle doesn't work. We think we will try one more and then reassess where we are. I think only you can decide when enough is enough, albeit a tough call to make.

Rose, looks like you have a plan, I like it. I like the thought of mixing it up each time, trying something new. On the next cycle I think we'll have a different combo of stims, try and get some more eggs on the go.

I've not had any spotting today but I have had some aches and pains so maybe starting period?!? I don't know, two more restless nights of not sleeping to go!!

Jen, how you dealing with it?

Thanks ladies. IVF will be NHS funded, we can't afford private and DH is against paying when we can get it free, it's just the waiting that drives me up the wall and the fact I'll be 40 next year , DH is 33.
Rosebud I don't know what PGS is..? I'm on steriods because there is this idea that some women who recurrently miscarry have higher level of NK cells and these kill off the foetus so steriods is to suppress these NK cells. I take them days 14-28. I can cope with the indigestion, stomach pains etc. It's the headaches, sweating like a pig and looking like I'm 6 months gone (oh the irony) that's doing my head in . I phoned CARE Nottingham today where we went for initial consultation and they said I'll need a new referral, so I'm sure my consultant will have to include 3 miscarriages on referral. I might ask if we can go somewhere else because it's pretty harsh to apply the not conceived within a year rule when I'm nearly 40 and I don't have any live children .

k8liz PGS is Pre-implantation Genetic Screening. It's basically taking a couple of cells from each 5-day hatching blast embryo and testing them to see if each individual embryo has any genetic abnormalities. The idea is that by doing this prior to IVF you discard any abnormal embryos and reduce your risks of a miscarriage. So only genetic normal embryos are transferred. I think the statistic is that, on average, 50% of embryos are genetically normal so it does have significant benefits. However most clinics (mine included) do not recommend it straight off the bat, and instead offer it as a suggested path after a number of miscarriages. It is also extremely expensive! Hence why we wont do it unless all of our untested embryos fail.

I have been prescribed steroids for the same reason as you. No known issues but my clinic are now treating me empirically "just in case" (after 1 early MC and one MMC) alongside clexane and aspirin; as blood thinners, and intrapilids.

The waiting is one of the hardest things about all this. It's just horrible isn't it?

*Prior to an IVF transfer that should say.

So no need to wait until test day, I am full on bleeding today, so my period has arrived. Gutted

Back to square one

Ah, SoSam...I'm so, so sorry. A bfn is always really fucking hard.

Thanks RoseBud2016.

Appointment was ok I suppose. Even though we've been trying nearly 2 years and don't have a baby because of the miscarriages we're considered 'normal' from a fertility point of view. Have to be trying for 2 years after the last miscarriage (January) until they would consider any fertility treatment. I certainly don't feel normal!

Have got to have a 3D ultrasound to assess my uterus in more detail so no doubt that'll be another dildo cam. Then she talked about the risks of 2nd trimester loss and premature labour that come with a bicornate uterus so they can be added to the list of things to worry about!

I think DH felt reassured so I suppose that's something. I don't think there's anything anyone can say which will reassure me.

SoSam, so sorry about your period. It sucks.

Oh SoSam I am so sorry. It sucks, this is all so unfair.

How are you feeling? Stupid question, I know...

Hello ladies, been keeping a low profile and trying to get through although been lurking and reading...nothing to report majorly, just waiting waiting waiting...Cramps like my period is about to come, major major headaches and generally feeling like shit!

Lots has happened on the board I see! Interesting steroid chat. I am on 25mg of prednisolone due to having Hashimotos which is an autoimmune disease. This is the only thing that they can find wrong with me actually...Basically the theory goes that the number of antibodies in my body is so high that they won't let an embryo implant...

SoSam I am so sorry to hear that your period has started. So unfair and shit...Sending big hugs....

Hi ladies, thanks for the messages. I'm just feeling a bit emotionally numb today. In a bit of a limbo, it's like I've lost a possible glimmer of having a baby. Which I know sounds crazy given the IVF odds etc, I don't really know how to feel. All very strange (apologies for the ramblings I'm not really sure how to express myself today) I've got really bad cramps but I was expecting the bleeding to be heavier. I was warned that failed cycle bleeds are really heavy but this just seems like a light/normal period so waiting for the heavy stuff to kick in.

Fingers crossed for every one else out there xx

First of all, I'm so sorry you find yourself in this shitty situation I know it sounds stupid but have you done a test SoSam? With my last pregnancy I had what a thought was a short period and then a week later I got a BFP. Don't want to give you false hope but I guess you never know...anyway I'm sending all you lovely ladies lots of love and positive vibes xx

SoSam, I imagine you may feel up and down and numb in the following days.

Something to bear in mind: just the fact that you stop taking progesterone may give you a massive chemical comedown.

I am on a rmc group and many of the women there take progesterone during the 2ww every month and most of them report feeling massively blue when they stop taking it when they get a BFN, way worse than before they ttc-d without.

Just something to remember in case you feel like "you will never smile again", as one of them put it.

Hang in there, hag. We are here for you.

My ERPC went well, the doctor seems pretty pleased and cautiously optimistic that I should be back to "normal" in 4-6 weeks and then we can start planning to start IVF.

Any views on going on the pill in the meantime, before IVF? It looks like trying to get pg naturally is not a good idea in our case and I could do without the wondering of "what if" for a couple of months.

Thanks ladies, so I've taken a test this morning and have got a really faint line! I spoke to the clinic and they've just told me to keep going with the pessaries and take another test on Monday. I am still bleeding red and have cramps so I think it's just going through the motions and waiting for a negative to appear. It's like it's a cruel joke. And even though the chances are dwindling there seems to be this tiny hope inside that maybe, just maybe, it's all ok!?!?!

Erica, we just used condoms as there can sometimes be lead off times once you are taking the pill. Don't won't to delay more than necessary, I'd definitely get advice from the clinic before starting.

K8liz77, can i ask what was your short period bleed like? Was it fresh blood?

Oh my god Sam - what a headfuck? Did you have one or two put back in?

Yes it was. It was enough blood to need a tampon. But it only lasted a couple of days. I just thought it was short because my cycle was still getting back to normal after my 2nd ERPC. I only realised I was pregnant when I had a bleed 2 wks later . I'm keeping everything crossed for you xx

Oh my god SoSam! I'm going to hope for you too! Monday seems forever away.

Erica, happy to hear you've been given the green light. I hope you're ok. No advice on the pill sorry. Doesn't apply to us.

Hi to all. I've lost track of who is where. Who is currently in the 2ww?

I'm still waiting waiting too Jen. I have my scratch next Monday and then start down reg. I sound like a broken record. I've been feeling so fed up with it all lately I can't even be bothered taking vitamins. I just think "who gives a fuck, it's not going to help anyway"

Emily that's rough that you have to wait 2 years when you've a history rcm. I really feel it should be a case by case basis.

How are you k8? It's hard having that age gap. I sometimes feel that younger men don't realise how important it is to be aware of the female's age in these things. IVF is shit, yes, but imho it honestly isn't as bad as thinking "what if". If you had the money do you think that you'd go for it? Waiting for the nhs when you're about to turn 40 sounds v risky as the cut off age is 39 in my area. I'm about to turn 38 so have just managed to squeeze in. I really hope you find a way forward

Place it does sound like you have been waiting a long time now...GHang in there. I know the feeling of thinking "what's the point?" I have been taking folic acid for 3 years now-3 years!! What a joke.

Woke up this morning with a very full, heavy feeling in my uterus just like my period is about to start. Went into work and sure enough I was spotting light red. I know this might not be the end but sure feels like that as this is pretty much exactly how things kicked off when I got my CP at the end of IVF 1. Anyway, I had a massive crying fit (luckily there was no one else in my office at the time) and rang my boss and said that I had a migraine and needed to go home. He did seem a little surprised and asked did I have anything going on which I said "no not really" Ha HAAAA.

So now I am at home with DH (he is a teacher so off work) and we are watching Netflix on the sofa where I think I will stay all day. Feeling so down and depressed, like I am just waiting for the inevitable. Going to do a test tomorrow morning, fuck waiting for Tuesday to come...

SoSam faint line is excellent...gives me a small glimmer of hope!

Oh Jen This sounds super stressful. Good for you on going home. Look after yourself.

I know my last pg did not work in the end but I had some light red bleeding a few days before my period was due (I think it was actually on a Friday when I was due on the Tuesday!) and I thought it was my period but it was not.

Thinking of you and SoSam, you guys deserve ALL the luck!

Jen, how's the spotting? Has it stopped? That full heavy feeling you described I had when I got a bfp. I'm crossing my fingers for you and will be stalking for news tomorrow.