BESH - relocated to less offensive surroundings

[cooperG]

Hi hags, here's our new thread. Did we decide to post the BESH-tionnaire or not? I'll have to go and dig it out if so..

Newbies - we think we're much like the ladies in the 'mind-numbing boredom of infertility' thread ladies, but we can't admit defeat, oh no. After the new recruits kind of dried up over in conception, we've moved over here where there are no insta-differs to send us into fits of rage/tears.

(BESH stands for Bitter Evil Selfish Hags - named so by the Daily Mail I think...) come and be bitter about the shit-ness that is infertility with us...

Hi, I just thought I'd introduce myself. I am definitely a BESH at the minute. Long story short. TTC for nearly 6yrs. Nothing happened for 3yrs+ despite chlomid, tamoxifen , lots of tests and then I got pregnant naturally. Mmc at 7wks+, then naturally pregnant again 8 months later, another mmc at 6wks+. Started high dose folic acid, low dose aspirin in January 16, then had a bleed mid cycle in March and found out I was pregnant again but had a natural miscarriage. Now on steriods day 14-28. All tests show nothing wrong with either of us. And I'm so fed up with it all. One minute I'm angry, the next I'm sobbing. We can't afford private IVF and I can't have IVF on the NHS until I've had a year when I haven't conceived - oh the irony . Anyway, sorry for venting. Just having a really rough few days xx

Hi k8liz77, welcome. Bloody hell, that sounds horrendously rough. Don't blame you for being angry. How awful to have 3 mc and to have to wait for IVF because you've conceived. That sounds unbelievably hard. I'm newish here and I don't have experience of MCs myself, but others here, sadly, do, so you've come to a good place. Do you have a helpful doctor? Keep venting. You need to get it out somewhere.

I feel better today after a really rough night where I rotated between lying on the floor, and lying in the bath which was the only place I could escape the pain ... At one point wished I could sleep in the bath! But was feeling better in the morning and it wasn't full OHSS apparently. Which makes me think, what the hell must OHSS be like!! We have some good embryos apparently, and we're going in the frozen arm of the study - thank God, as I couldn't have faced a transfer today. So looking at an FET around end Sept/early Oct. We're feeling hopeful... though now prepared for the problem to be with my endometriosis-ridden womb which might be 'toxic' (doctor gave us this technical explanation once ) Feeling cautiously optimistic.

Hope everyone else is doing OK? Jen, hope your scan went well.

Hey guys, had scan yesterday, quiet ovaries and ready to start stims. Thank God! Been feeling horrendous, headachy and negative and tired and just, well, bleurggh! Apparently I should start to feel better on stims.

EricaJ and Blue2014 congrats! Gives me hope when I hear other people's good news. Can imagine it still feels like a scary time.

*Rebeccanoodles sounds very rough what you are going through. As you say, I dread to think what full OHSS is like if yours wasn't even full blown.

Place how is your journey going? Sending positive vibes!

Welcome k8liz77, that all totally sucks, you have definitely come to the right place. Rant away. When we mc'd the delay annoyed the shit out of me so I get where you're coming from.

Rebecca I'm glad to hear you are getting some relief now. How scary! I've been warned that I'm high risk OHSS so a bit nervous on that front. Good news on the good embryos, fingers (and everything else) crossed for September.

I have started my period today so baseline scan tomorrow and then start stabbing tomorrow night. I'm stupidly excited today. I'm such an idiot, like K8liz77 it just feels like I've been waiting forever to get going and it's finally happening.

Hope everyone else is ok.

K8liz77 forgot to say hi! Welcome...Sorry about the difficult time you have had...and good luck SoSamwith stabbing. Is not that bad really!

K8 - that is all kinds of fucked up insanity. Seriously can only imagine your pain/anger. Good to hear they've got you on some steroids and aspirin though, that should treat a fair range of some of those reasons they attribute to recurrent miscarriage. Thankfully I'll be taking those too this round, among other things, so fx it works for both of us.

Rebecca, ouch! I only had mild ohss last time and that was bad enough. I hope it settles down. Just keep up that water, that's what worked for me.

Jen, that med is the work of the devil. Just awful shit. I never thought I'd smile again. Great your starting stim! I hope mr Jen is letting you take it all out on him

SoSam...yay for starting! It's what we all wait for in this game isnt it!? Happy stabbing!

Me, still waiting, waiting, waiting to start...I have an endo scratch in a week and then start down regging a couple of days after that, so a bit behind the rest of you. At the moment starting to come off my pain meds (boo!) and making sure I eat properly. Been feeling low lately and not eating. Can't wait to finally start!

Thanks to all you lovely ladies for replying. I've posted on a few other pages and got no reply, I was thinking it was me . I'm so happy that I can be angry and bitchy on here and not be judged . One of my best friends has stopped talking to me because apparently she's bored of all my miscarriage talk and I should just be more positive !! Oh and she's got 3 perfectly healthy kids and she can fuck off as far as I'm concerned, some friend .
It's really good to hear some of you have positive stories. Fingers crossed for all of you at your different stages of treatment xx

Wow! Bloody hell. Unbelievable what some people think is an acceptable way of dealing with other people's grief... "Don't talk about it and be more positive"... Well you can talk about whatever you want here.

Wow, K8 - I think she can fuck off too! How horrible!
You be exactly what you need to be here

K8liz77 Hi, so sorry you found yourself here. I can only sympathise, I have had 3 mcs + 1 cp in 4.5 years so even though technically, I do sort of manage to get pg once a year or so, I don't seem to be able to keep them.

Currently pg, 7 + 3 and feeling really anxious about it all

Can I ask you if you get tested for rare causes of rmc? Don't meant to come across patronising, it's just that my first round of tests came back normal but then a doctor recommended testing for more and they found out I have a protein S deficiency, a rare form of thrombophilia. I am now on aspirin and Clexane and hoping it works (last time taking Fragmin with no aspirin did not and I mc-d at 10 weeks, the furthers I ever got so maybe it worked a bit?).

People can be massive dicks about infertility and rmc. It's like, in their perfect lives, they don't want to acknowledge that random shit can happen and it just sucks and it's not "for a reason" or something "that makes you stronger". You are 100% entitled to feel crap and fucked off about it and the least your friend could do is listen and allow you to vent.

Rebecca hope you are feeling better, that sounds horrendous, poor you!

Waves at everyone else - needs to finish some work before going off on my holidays!

Hi all, sorry I've been absent for so long. My last cycle of OI ended up being cancelled due to my lining issues and it messed with my head quite a bit.

However we were able to start the next treatment cycle and this morning I got a BFP at 12dpo

Of course I have all the associated menkul, which instadiffers will never understand, but for now at least I am pregnant!

Hi EricaJ, I had all the rmc tests done in April this year, I had 12 lots of blood tests done, all were normal. We also had genetic tests too and again all normal on both sides.
We're seeing our consultant on 1st September, so I'll ask about the thrombophilia, thanks for highlighting this for me.
I have been really shocked by people's reactions to my miscarriages. How dismissive people are, or they totally ignore what's happened, which has happened to me when I've gone back to work each time. I find that really hard to take. Or if there is a pregnancy conversation and I join in, there's an uncomfortable silence and then the topics changed. And if one more person tells me that 'they know I will get pregnant when the time is right' or 'if you relax, it'll happen' after nearly 6 yrs, it's a wonder I haven't got a criminal record for punching people xx

k8liz, that is shocking from your friends. So disappointing and makes you feel even more alone - like you're this ghost at the feast.

I've been thinking about this a lot and I think it's partly ignorance and embarrassment, but mainly that so many people just can't deal with the raw fact that life isn't fair. The fact that they have healthy kids, say, is mainly down to chance, and that's a terrifying thing for them to think. So they either pretend the problem's not there or try and 'make it better'. Or they turn detective or amateur gynaecologist with 'have you tried'. I'm sure I've done that too, before I understood what any of this was like. Anyway, I'm rambling but just to say - for you.

Don't know if any of that makes sense! Can you tell I've had my first in a while ... Mr Noodles is asleep, he's exhausted from looking after me this week. Didn't mean to scare anyone with my tales of OHSS - important to note that I am a wimp when it comes to pain, plus I had some wicked referred back pain from an old running injury, which was probably the worst part.

Hi CaveMum, we haven't met but cautious congrats on your BFP! As you say, for now you are pregnant

PS happy holidays Erica - hope you have a great, relaxing time!

Congratulations Cavemum! Great news.

Enjoy your hols Erica!

K8. You're among your own kind here. I've had a lot of family deaths. ive been let down so many times by people who are supposed to be there for the hard times. I don't know why I expect anything else anymore tbh. Anyway, let it out here if you can't anywhere else. Much better out than in, trust me!

Rebecca, I sort of agree, but to be honest, I personally don't think they think that much about it. I think it's as much as "oh dear, this conversation is making me uncomfortable and I can't relate it to my own life in any way, so I'll say something'comforting' so then we can change the subject". Either way, it feels like you end up making them feel better about the shit that you're going through
I hope you enjoyed your wine. I think it's good to do little things for ourselves atm. I went and got my hair cut yesterday and i feel much better. I'm growing out old colour and finally seeing what my natural colour is after years of highlights. I always thought I was fair. Turns out its golden brown, just like my mother! I love it
Also, I had the strangest dream last night. They couldn't get sperm from mr place, so at the last minute they got an old boyfriend to donate. I got pregnant immediately and felt disappointed and didn't want to tell mr place. Then I had the baby and it looked like old boyfriend and everything was weird and I was not happy or grateful. My dreams are never subtle.

Thanks Rebecca and Place

For those that don't "know" me, I'm an old old old ESH. I first joined in 2011 after TTC for a year. Diagnosed with PCOS and after numerous jumps through hoops and an inordinate number of dildocams I got Ovulation Induction treatment on the NHS. We conceived on the third cycle and our DD will be 2.5 next month.

We decided to start TTC again when DD was just over 1 but of course my PCOS screwed with everything so I had to go through the rigmarole of trying to get consultant appointments to see if I qualified for NHS treatment again. Things were delayed due to an ovarian cyst and a dodgy spaff test for DH, which was sorted with a course of antibiotics. We finally got the go ahead to start treatment again in May and now here we are.

Erica and Blue hope you are both doing well, and of course it's great to see the spirit of the ESH being carried on with the new recruits - may your stay in ESH-land be short, for all the right reasons

Nipple tassels out for Cave

No one ever knows what to say-I refer you back to an earlier post of mine about my mother in law.

I recently went on some therapeutic training for work and they showed this vid: m.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw

I wish I could show it to everyone who clumsily says the wrong thing! Sun's out today, been reading and napping outside. Hope all is well with everyone...

Great vid jen!

Right, so I've just taken my crazy bitch status to a new level. Day two of stabbing and I have just woken up in the middle of the night to have a panic attack!! Difficulty breathing, irrational thoughts, hot flush etc etc. I haven't had a panic attack for a few years. (Not since going through the trauma and recovery of nearly dying with the hemorrhaging ectopic) i had hoped my days of panic attacks had passed but apparently not. I had to wake Mr SoSam to help me come back down before it full on spiralled out of control. I'm currently sitting up in bed, watching Mr SoSam go back to sleep while trying to remain calm and collected. I think I started to panic about the side effects of the drugs as I've got a slight shortness of breath and a banging headache. I did the stupid thing of looking up menopur side effects on Google and voila panic attack ensues!!!

Sorry for the self absorbed message, just trying to share the crazy

Oh no SoSam sorry to hear that. I found down regging very hard too from an anxiety perspective, wondering if there is something in the buserelin that increases the likelihood of this?

I also had insomnia and lay in bed very anxiously a few times ( though not a full panic attack-poor you!) The headaches are also a bitch! But all this will pass when you get to stims phase, I feel much better now...

Such a stressful process. Hang in there!

Congrats Cave! :) Little by little, hag. Today we are pregnant

Place I giggled a bit at your dream. I do have odd dreams about ex boyfriends sometimes.

Rebecca Sounds like you are feeling a bit better, glad to hear you are looking after yourself. It is all good to be tough and stuff but this are hard times, we need to be kind to ourselves.

Jen That video is great! I think I have something in my eye...

Sam Poor you! I used to get really bad panic attacks, it has all got a bit better now but they are horrendous. Thinking of you and hoping that everything seems a bit better in the daylight.

Jen I stil have pretty bad insomnia, melatonin used to help a bit but don't want to take it now.

If you are into mindulfness/meditation etc, there is this guy called Travis Usinger - his body scans always knock me out!

Thanks for the tip on relaxation Erica.

Quick question to IVF ladies: on day 5 of stims and very bloated already, is this a good sign? Bad sign? Scan tomorrow so I guess will find out more but just thought I would see what others' experiences are.

Thanks guys, sorry for having a wobble. I've been able to avoid the down regging have gone straight in to the stimming short protocol. I think I just need to 'man up' a bit .

I think I'll give the mindfulness thing a go

Hope you are all having a lovely Sunday.