BESH - relocated to less offensive surroundings

[cooperG]

Hi hags, here's our new thread. Did we decide to post the BESH-tionnaire or not? I'll have to go and dig it out if so..

Newbies - we think we're much like the ladies in the 'mind-numbing boredom of infertility' thread ladies, but we can't admit defeat, oh no. After the new recruits kind of dried up over in conception, we've moved over here where there are no insta-differs to send us into fits of rage/tears.

(BESH stands for Bitter Evil Selfish Hags - named so by the Daily Mail I think...) come and be bitter about the shit-ness that is infertility with us...

SoSam Sorry it is hard at the moment. Amazing work, losing 2 stone! And as Blue says, at 29 bmi you should be fine. I don't quite know a coke snorting 40 BMI instadiffers, but I do know lots of chain smokers, drug taking ones! In my humble opinion, being super healthy can only do so much and it is important to remember we are doing everything in our hand to get there but you could always "do more"? I get paranoid about exercising in case it is bad, and not exercising enough in case there is not enough blood flow to the uterus. I wonder if I could have seen more rmc specialists to get more opinions, or gone teetotal 6 months ago to increase my chances... ad infinitum!

On that note, I had some pinkish discharge after sex last week. Both my consultant and my woo needles guy thought it seemed innocent, probably my cervix being super sensitive from the pregnancy (it was the first time we had sex since the conception). They both reassured me that, whatever happens with this pg, sex will NOT cause a mc, but of course I feel bad for not having abstained, "just in case"...

Place Good luck for today! Hope it brings good news!.

Rebecca and Jen, well done with the stabbing! I am making my belly black and blue with the Clexane, I am not very good at this!

Not good news actually...prob not enough sperm found. Will have to do it again on day of ec..hopefully get a couple more on that day, who knows. Everyone can get fucked, blah blah blah, etc.

On the positive side, there IS sperm there, just hoping to get enough eventually to fertilise however many eggs I might or might not get.

Sorry for all me post, will be back once I calm down.

Sorry to hear Place, the whole business sucks!

Place that sounds like a fucker of a day, sorry to hear it wasn't great. Keeping everything crossed for a good result on ec day. Thanks for the reassurance that in fact ALL MILs are bonkers, not just mine!!

*SoSam don't beat yourself up about your BMI, I think mine is roughly the same, maybe 28 at a push. After our last IVF ending in CP I had a lovely appointment with the consultant who basically told me I was quite old and too fat, had I thought about losing weight? No mention of testing my sky high thyroid antibodies that are clearly having an impact on things. I have lost a little bit but probs not as much as I'm supposed to! I don't weigh myself just use my clothes as a measurement so I couldn't say for sure.

I do think some of these docs are really fucking insensitive and make us feel bad about EVERYTHING! Self blame and guilt is the pits, totes been there and it is awful. It was really bad for me when I was in the "unexplained" camp as I thought that everything that I did (eating, drinking etc.) was making me not conceive, then weirdly the guilt made me want to do it more!!

Jabbing is going OK this end, though started to feel a bit headachey and DH and I had a ridiculous hour long row over what takeaway we should get on Saturday ending in tears (mine) so I am thinking that I am quite hormonal. Or maybe just a bit anxious about the process...

Place, that really sucks. I'm sorry it wasn't better news for you today. Fingers crossed for the ec day.

Thanks guys, your words are very comforting. Glad to hear I'm not alone in this fat club angst!

Hormones really suck, I think I'm already all over the place before even starting the jabbing! Jenbot you should be kind to yourself and give your self more credit, at least it was only an hour long meltdown over what to eat

Erica, I totally understand, paranoia sets in and plays really cruel tricks on you. Fingers crossed it improves.

New baby in office this morning BESHers, makes me feel so sad 😔. Don't have too much of an issue being around newborns (as long as I am not asked to hold one!) but feel really awkward around them and like I don't know what to say. Everyone is asking lots of mum related questions and I am just awks 😬. I really like babies too, but this roller coaster has really robbed me of any of the joy of seeing them/being around them! Feeling sorry for myself...soz for the rant!

Jenbot, I want to hunt down that FS you had and slowly twist his testicles. Re baby in the workplace? I just end up sitting at my desk grumbling that SOME people need to get work done. I don't give a fuck.

And yes EVERYTHING you do will make you feel guilty, and I agree, for me, it makes me want it even more. My FS suggested and high protein low carb diet. I immediately craved crisps and sweets. Fuck it. You need something to get you through this shit show!

Feeling slightly more positive about yesterday's sperm result. Realising that the lovely embryologist that kept using words like "very very difficult case" and "abnormal" and "unlikely" etc, needs to be excused because 1. She's a scientist (as am I, and we don't sugar coat shit) and 2. She's English, which I think means they like to give you a worst case scenario, so maybe there's a pleasant surprise on the day. (Last round was in Australia where they just went, "yeah no worries, she's sweet mate!" Lol....oh god, I'm so home sick! Also, here's a bit more detail in case anyone is interested. In Australia, they were just looking for sperm that was twitching. Here, she said she was looking for fully motile sperm (which I didn't realise existed in the testicles, but apparently so)... So the fact of the matter is she could only see 2 fully motile sperm because the sample was so bloody that all the red blood cells masked any twitching sperm. The fully motile sperm are able to swim through the red blood cells. The problem is that sperm sticks to red blood cells so by getting rid of the blood means we might get rid of any sperm sticking to it.... So my thoughts are that its not such a bad result compared to last time, it's just that the FS made a bloody mess of the sample whereas they didn't last time. I don't care if all of that is wrong, it is making me feel better, so that's enough. I just feel for mr place. Next time they are going to open up the testicle to get a bigger sample. Risks are higher, can kill off part of the testicle, which means we only get a couple of tries at this, plus he's so depressed, keeps apologising for letting me down etc...just makes me want to cry, breathe, breathe....

Erica, I don't think there's any escape from the black and blue, it's the nature of the drug. So glad your bleed was innocent.

Jen I also feel like doing some Place -style twisting on your FS testicles... why do not these people choose a different speciality at college? Like forensics??

Place Sorry to hear that things are hard at the moment and that Mr Place is feeling so low. I do agree, though, scientists can be a bit blunt. My gyno is nice but also very "let's see what happens" and "there is nothing else you can either way" with a very serious face, which is a bit demoralising. I know, I know they cannot say "don't worry, love! This cocktail of drugs will GUARANTEE you will be holding your baybee in 8 months time". But still. Gah.. At least my acupuncturist (first time trying acupuncture, really recommend it), has a more reassuring way of saying exactly the same thing?

Also, due to a family crisis, I will have to go to my first scan alone. Maybe I am being dramatic but I feel that if Mr Erica cannot be there, I don't want anyone else. He cannot make it for completely valid reasons but I just don't feel like having a friend or someone else there, mainly because none of them has gone through this and they are at risk of getting their heads bitten off if they say "the wrong thing" anything at all

And very interesting about the twitchy sperm!

How is everyone else doing?

Place feeling for you, sounds like you have had a rough week sending positive vibes you and Mr Place's way. Was LOLing at your baby in the workplace response, will remember that for next week when I think another baby is coming in

Today has been a particularly challenging one in the shitshow, got AF-what a bitch that is whilst on down regulation. Headache, bloatedness, crying (a LOT!) and generally feeling sorry for myself. Got back into the negative mindset again today of thinking that this will never happen. After three years it is hard to even believe my body is capable of getting pregnant, never mind holding onto it! Can't even imagine it ever happening...Anyone else feel this way?

Erica I know what you mean about someone being there, not nice to go to these things alone. Hope it goes OK.

Hope all is well with everyone.

Hi everyone, sorry to drop off again. I've been stabbing away and in denial not thinking about it too much ... Egg collection should be Monday. But I have a feeling the 2ww and the test will be the hard part. Have also booked to visit my parents in just over 2 weeks by which time (depending on which arm of the study we go in) we may have had a pregnancy test result. My parents are in a fairly bad way so that's going to be hard if we test negative - seeing them struggle having just had a disappointment. But none of this is easy, right?!

Sam, Re perfect diet - mine has been anything but over the past week or so. I had intended to eat low carb for this period but when I'm tired and stressed I reach for toast and pizza and that's just that. I don't think these things make a huge difference either way tbh. As blue says, also, BMI isn't the be-all or end-all - I know plenty of people with high BMI and 2+ kids.

Erica, sorry to hear you have to have first scan alone. Hope it goes really well. And glad you got reassurance on the pink. Must have been nerve wracking.

Jen - I kind of tune out when I see new babies, too. There are generally a zillion people fussing over them already so the mother's probably quite fine with it.

Place I'm glad you got some good answers re the sperm ... One of the hardest things about all this is having to become an amateur gynaecologist/biologist/embryologist ... The mind boggles with all the stuff we have to learn!

Hope everyone's got nice weekend plans lined up

Best of luck for Monday Rebecca! Hoping everything goes smoothly and you get lots of nice eggs. Yep the 2ww I found was such a strange mix of emotions, excited because there's hope, but also preparing for bad news, and nothing was able to distract me! I hope you have better willpower than me!

Jenbot, another baby!? In my last job, when we had started trying and found out we needed IVF etc, every woman got pregnant and then subsequently brought baby in...omg, that was hard. It nearly broke me if I'm being honest. I hope you fare better! And yes I feel like it will never happen too, it's hard to shake when all you've ever had is bad news and negative results. But remember youre on a drug that is going to make you super depressed. When you're feeling really shitty and low, just try to think "it's the drugs. It will be over soon" when do you start your stim drugs?

I hope your scan goes perfectly Erica, even without mr Erica there. I'd feel the same about not wanting anyone else. It's such a personal thing. When is your scan?

So I'm feeling a bit more positive. I don't know if that's a bad idea and I'm setting myself up for more heartache, but atm I believe that we'll get enough healthy sperm on the day. I've been reading into the techniques and apparently they can use ultrasound to avoid blood vessels. I'm hoping the FS can do something like that to make sure it's a clean sample. I've just had a friend come and stay for a couple of days. He arrived the day after we had the bad news of mr place's procedure. The first thing he told me is that he and his partner have decided they want a baby and are going down the surrogate route. They already have their surrogate, a 23 year old has offered eggs and his sister had offered to carry, and his partners sperm is on ice. As he was telling me I just couldn't take it. I imagine that every thing will go so smoothly and easily for them (and I know that's probably rubbish) it's just that it was so close to our bad news I had to tell him that whilst I was over the moon for him, I just couldn't hear anymore. They've been together less than a year, young eggs, normal sperm and a uterus that has carried 3 children successfully...I know I'm a jealous selfish hag (BESH and proud) but there you go. I'm not graceful about this anymore. It's been 4 and a half years.

Jen Sorry that the droid is being such a bitch. I totally understand feeling that it will never happen... for me, the hope/despair goes up and down, in waves. It is so fucking hard and unfair.

Rebecca Crossing everything for you tomorrow! I always go mental during the 2ww, no matter how much I try to distract myself so no advice but will be I will be around for mental ranting if you feel like it!

My scan is on Wednesday... I am trying not to think about it too much, I will let you hags guess how much I am succeeding at that :) basically, trying to prepare myself for good, bad and inconclusive news.

Place It has been 4.5 years for us too. It sucks. I think expecting us to be graceful at this stage is too much of an ask.

Place I totally agree it is impossible to be happy for other people when we are going through this. I really connected with your thoughts about it probably going so smoothly. I am having those as well for brother in law and fiancé who are getting hitched. They are very young and desperate for a baby. As with your friend, I imagine it will all go smoothly and I will continue to be the odd one out. When you have been going through IF for so long it is hard to picture it any other way.

Thanks for the reminder that the hormones are making me feel like this, that gives me some perspective! I am having bad insomnia at the moment and feeling really anxious, hoping that eases off soon. Why do we do it to ourselves ladies?! (Don't answer that- we all know why we do it!)

Rebecca hope all went well today. Fingers crossed for lots of top notch eggs.

Erica you are right about the waves...it sucks! Off for scan on Weds myself to see if I can start stims yet. More dildo cam!

Hope everyone on here is doing OK, brave warrior ladies xx

Hi all - so, egg collection went ok and we've just heard that 11 have fertilised ... which is way more than we'd expected. Will wait and see if they make actual embryos. So many hurdles to cross but I'm pleased that we've had good news so far.

Actual egg collection was totally fine for me except the - TMI warning - antibiotic pessary introduced backdoor fashion. Horrendous, did not like that one bit (they did it while I was knocked out but the, um, after-effects were not good ). The worst physical part of the whole IVF thing so far, for me. But I think that may just be me.

Place, I totally get you re the boys probably getting pregnant effortlessly. I am v happy that gay couples can have children, don't get me wrong, and I'm sure it's not plain sailing for them either. But it does seem hard when it they seem to have a simple easy solution ...

Jen, hope you're feeling a bit better - don't underestimate the hormones and lack of sleep in making you feel awful.

Good luck with the scans tomorrow Jen and Erica, fingers crossed they're helpful/hopeful.

Rebecca that's a good start, fingers crossed for the next few days.

Good luck for tomorrow Erica

We should be starting the injections any day now. Nervous/excited 😬

Place, I hear what you're saying it's totally great they can do that but still frustrating when we can't.

Rebecca That's great news! I hope they keep coming for you!

How are you feeling Jen?

I saw a heartbeat! Not much else, early days . They also said there seems to be a little cyst that could have caused the episode of spotting. Not something I should worry about for now but to keep in mind.

I am very happy obviously but it still a loooong way to go...

Oh Erica been holding my breathe for you. Great news, have everything crossed for you

Still lurking and wishing the best for my BESH

Thanks Blue! :)

How are you doing, hag?

I'm ok, quietly lurking here every day and been waiting for news from you today.

I'm 22 weeks today, still struggling to believe it's real but trying my best to get there.

Yay erica fabulous news

Blue, 22 weeks sounds great - but I can imagine it's a mixed feeling. I often think being in your situation must be hard because you're supposed to be all 'yay' but you have that fear. I imagine. But hope you cross that line over into hope some day soon.

Erica, really pleased to hear that about your scan, that's brilliant! I know it's early days.... But fingers tightly crossed for you.

Now I feel bad for boasting about how many we got fertilised and aware that others aren't so lucky, and that it could fall apart at any point. I am feeling absolutely rubbish today physically - really, really sore on my lower right side which doesn't seem normal 48 hours post egg collection. Not sure whether to phone the nurses or wait and see. In theory we're doing transfer tomorrow IF we're not being frozen as part of the study. I suppose I'll see how I feel in the morning.

Sorry for the 'me me me' - hope everyone else is doing OK.

JenBot hope your scan was OK and that you're gearing up for your stims.

Just want to quickly say a big congratulations to Rebecca for her well fertilised egg haul. Seriously, celebrate th wins!!

And an equally huge congratulations to Erica for seeing a heartbeat! I'm v v excited for you xx

Jen, hope you're getting to start any minute now.

Thanks for kind words, as always BESH.

Thanks very much, Place. Hope you're doing ok - will be keeping fingers crossed for you on EC day too. How is Mr Place?

I'm feeling even rubbish-er with possible OHSS post EC .. .Spoke to nurse just now who said to come into A&E if it gets worse Really don't want to do that. I might do a general shout out to see if anyone else has had that. Why is there always something?

What's the word on transfer then?