The mind numbing boredom of infertility II

[PotatoesPastaAndBread]

This is a thread for peole who really want to get pregnant but can't, who have tried pretty much everything, and are really fucked off about it.

Have you ever nearly punched someone for advising you to "relax", "go on holiday" or "just get drunk - that's what we did"? Well then this is the thread for you.

You won't find much sentimentality here and there's no baby dust, but there is empathy, a lot of swearing and a surpirsing amount of glittery dog shit.

Link to the original thread
original thread

sorry grumpel* bloody spell check!

Thanks for the sympathy. Am okay now, just had to get it out my system. You psych yourself up for this stuff and for then it all to be up in the air again, with more time wasted... Just took the wind out my sails a bit. Not a lot I can do either way. Either the colposcooy will be quick easy and fine and results will wing in quick, or (more likely) it won't be and we'll be bumped to June. I told my OH and he was thrown about it all, but focused on cheering me up (well, hugging me whilst I cried a bit).

potatoes I've not seen that thread! I can't find the thread either... Definitely one to troll!!

The title is worse than I remember: things only people without kids would say.

How about.....
I just spent £7000 trying to get pregnant and it failed.
Well I ever have a family of my own?
How will I manage to hold it together when I see X and her new baby?
What the fuck is wrong with me, how come everyone else can do this?

Here it is, but warning - don't look until you're feeling stronger! It's pretty bad!

things only people without kids say

So yesterday I call the clinic to arrange consent appointment. Was told the nurse will call me back as she's 'working through a list'.. No call.
I call today to say I'm still waiting and get told that 'they are sorry about that and will ask the nurse to call'.. 2 and a half hours later and I'm still waiting. Starting to feel wound up! So thought I would vent via MN.
As we are paying privately, I think I expected a very professional service for the £6000 it's costing us!
Luckily I am off work so have got lots of time to waste hanging around the house for hours on end 😡

potatoes just seen it. Christ I'm so envious of those women. What a problem to have!! Lucky bastards. I'd happily feel tired all the time and look like shit and have no money. Sleeping 9 hours a night, a full face of makeup and a healthy bank balance are so overrated.

I guess everyone feels hard done by, wherever their lot. They're lucky to be able to have a light hearted venting thread rather than having to pay £6,000 to join us in the barren pit! Reading that thread makes me feel like this

Hello to everyone, just getting caught up! waving to fellow HOC fans

zenoush , Grumpelstiltskin on the baby bombing and bad thoughts - people get pregnant by ACCIDENT?? I am starting to believe its all a big fat lie and we're the unlucky ones that aliens have chosen not to impregnate.
Meh hand holding that you're going through a rough time at the mo - I've just had a very VERY long cycle and have been like the exorcist for about 10 days!
Bip - so sorry for your loss and that those around you are dealing with it like TWUNTS
Laura - lovely news to break up the glittery dog shit & hope you are settling in well back at home? Thanks for the info on clinic costs, this is next step for us so good to know!
icy sorry your nurse was an idiot! someone said a few pages back that this infertile carry on feels like 90% waiting and 10% doing something!
Sammy - I almost copied that FB pic from another thread to upload here so we could marvel at the ignorance of the general world - there shouldn't be a need to point this out!
Karla - I feel your pain, trying to get hold of anyone at my clinic feels a bit like being Indiana Jones on his last crusade. My record is ringing them 7 TIMES (and its an expensive 0870 number) before anyone got back to me...

Hello to anyone I missed

Sorry that was so long!
I'm back to day 1 today.. feeling nice and crampy / bloated and fed up! Does anyone else ever suffer from thoughts that they deserve this? I don't mean in a physical sense, just in that if you have a nice house, good job, loving husband etc - this is my punishment somehow? I cant shake the feeling that we (husband and I) just cant have 'everything' go well for us, so this is going to be our part of life that doesn't work out

Apologies, that sounds so self indulgent, compared to what some of you have been through I'm just losing faith that we'll beat shitty old infertility.

claire (I'm a big fan of HOC) yes I have often thought that we are in this situation because perhaps I never really wanted it enough.. The year before we got married, OH kept suggesting we start trying (that would be 4 years ago now) but I was insistent that i enjoyed my lie-ins, wine and weekends too much and that I was too young, not quite ready for my body to be stretched, prodded and poked. How ironic! As now I often think karmer is having the last laugh as not a month has gone by in the past year that someone hasn't either coped a feel of my cervix, shoved a dildocam, catheter or speculum up there! I don't sleep properly anymore, or go out or drink because of the stress of TTC. So now who is having the last laugh!

I have finally spoken to a nurse, our consent apt planned for 12 April. Start drugs on 17th (if all goes to plan) have learnt from some of your experiences that that doesn't always happen! So I will take it as it comes.
I didn't managed to find anywhere much cheaper to get the drugs from (give or take £100) the clinic was actually cheaper. So the delivery will come from Stork. I wonder if I will be best having them delivered to work? Is packaging discreet?

Do not have it delivered to work!

The box is enormous as it contains massive ice packs and polystyrene to keep it refridgerated.

It's massive.

I had it delivered to work. Everyone saw. In my panic I said it was drugs but for my husband, who everyone must now think is dying. WFH if you can and have it delivered there!

Karla I'm guilty of the same misgivings. We're married almost 4 years and the first year we were going to start trying after our next holiday, then Christmas, then X's wedding...then just one more summer of 'just us'.

Unfortunately our 2nd year was taken up with lots of family dramas so wasn't a 'good time'. Now I'm kicking myself as I wasn't desperate for a baby - so feel that I don't deserve one..

Glad you have appointment in the diary for April, good advice from Potatoes and at the 'drugs for my husband' the Mexican drug lord

Oh yes potatoes I remember you posting about that drama when it happened!.. I will take note and try to avoid a similar situation. Although I could make out they are a years supply of 'happy pills' my colleagues would fall for that one as I know they think I'm a miserable, shrivelled old mardy bastard.

karla I had my IVF meds delivered to work, but it was very discreet packaging, it looked like I’d had a load of wine delivered to work, as the box had a wine glass on the side next to “FRAGILE’ in massive letters. Mine were from Healthcare @ Home, the box was absolutely enormous though, as it was a giant polystyrene coolbox jobby.

potatoes I couldn’t resist myself and went and trolled that thread. They’re all up in arms that someone went to piss on their bonfire. I’m blaming post-miscarriage hormones for having no self control. Oops. Naughty militant barren.

icy I am absolutely GUTTED for you, unbelievably frustrating. When my 2nd cycle was cancelled on the day we were supposed to start stims, because I’d failed to down regulate, and got pushed back till the new year, I was absolutely crushed. Can totally relate to feeling like it’s taken the wind out of your sails. Glad your OH is being supportive, thinking of you

Bip thinking of you, sorry your family were so distinctly unsympathetic

to everyone else

AFM, well I’m riding the post-miscarriage hormonal rollercoaster, my hormones are up and down like a yoyo - although it’s hard to tell what’s hormones and what’s just ‘really sad about losing the baby’ grief. My body is just taunting me, as my boobs still look really pregnant (I’m v small framed so any changes are really obvious) and still getting blazing BFPs. Ugh. Hopefully maybe the sudden ‘wah!’ PMT-esque mood swings are a sign that the preggo hormones are starting to right themselves…

banana just popped back on on to say so sorry for your loss. I had to scroll back through the thread to re-read the updates and I missed you in my catch up post.

Hope the the hormone roller coaster eases soon

Working from home tomorrow. Told the big boss about the Colposcopy and "it might be fine but they might need to burn cells off my cervix so I might not be up for coming in". Fuck it. Got some good work done today, looked busy.

Re the drugs, I was told I only need the trigger shot kept in the fridge? I'm still furiously hoping that tomorrow will be a tick box and we can crack on this month. But I'm starting to get my head around it being delayed (more time to drink less/eat better/actually take folic acid/and metformin).... But I know myself. I'll eat shit food, drink wine, forget my tablets. I hate folic acid, makes me bloated and my piss smell of ammonia. I stopped taking it before in protest. Also last chance ironidiff?!

The nurse said I need to get cervix sorted "imagine if you didn't and started treatment and then found out you had cancer and needed to do chemo whilst pregnant..." I was like wtaf? First off the chance of IVF working is 40%. The chance of having cancer is 0.1%. The combined odds are... Tiny. Ffs talk about being extreme.

banana I'm not surprised you're giving into crazed MC hormones, I mean I've think you've earned a fucking pass. Hope you're holding up.

claire and karla I was desperate for a baby for years before we started to try, but for whatever reason I didn't tell my oh (well, he was going through a divorce when we met and I blithely said "oh I never want to get married, I don't want kids" aged 21. I should've added "right now" which might have changed everything but we are where we are). I was 'consoling' myself last night whilst crying by telling myself it's just as well cause I'd only be a shit mum. Does that attitude make a difference? It's not attitude. It's not glasses of wine. It's just fucking shitty fucking shite crap life. Not fair but life isn't fair. Someone has to be on the wrong side of the stats. Fingers crossed for tomorrow then...!!!

icy you are so right. Good luck tomorrow!..
banana good on you for your troll.. Smug Idiots!

Oh and may I ask another question re treatment. The nurse didn't mention on the phone that we should now abstain (not that it will make any difference obv's!) but if I start down reg drugs on 17th April (day 21) that could potentially mean I could have been pregnant with an ironidiff.. But presume the drugs won't then allow that to happens?
All very confusing for a beginner. The mind boggles! 😳

Ladies, you can always be counted on! Excellent pictures from sammy and icy and the exact same complaining about that fucking smug parents thread that I was doing in my head before I threw my phone across the room.

Karla, I didn't downreg, just went straight in on Day 2 with jabs and
massive unsexy-feeling ovaries so no advice, sorry. I'm sure someone more useful will be along shortly.

Annie best of luck for the end of the 2ww. Fx for you! Will you poas before OTD or is your willpower strong?

Claire I feel all the time that infertility is the punishment I have for having an otherwise lovely, quite straightforward and comfortable life- and that it's a sort of balance that some sort of po-faced higher force with a set of scales dishes out to prevent people becoming too smug. Hmm.

Icy glad you're feeling a bit better today. Here's a big FUCK YOU to your nurse and to the waiting overall.

Bip hope the rest of your hol post-family 'fun' has been ok and that you've done some actual nice drinking things as well.

Banana nice work on owning the trolling and not even nc!

I'm ok today. Had a nice, normalising night out last night with some friends who let me rant for a bit and then made me laugh with silly normal stuff. They're not pregnant, either. Hooray.
Though we did a count and worked out that I know 16 preggos at the mo. That's ridiculous, right? And statistically speaking really fucking annoying.

Also had check up scan at EPU. All 'products' gone, lining nice and thin and a follie in the right ovary. So, that's the best I could've hoped for I guess. Off to join icy and do an immediate ironidiff. Hahahahaha whatevs.

karla, Claire I feel your pain - we had a plan to start trying after our Hindu ceremony and well it went out of the window. Other things have been getting in the way.

Sometimes I think about how everything has been hard since we got married...We've had wedding planning/house moving stress, a new job for me, loss of a parent, my mum being really sick which spanned two years. Throw in my dad not talking to me and now infertility, I am really fucking tired of everything being so fucking hard!

karla I was advised to basically use condoms if having sex whilst on the drugs. If I remember correctly, the down regging isn't too much of an issue but when you're stimming ironidiffing can be an issue. I hope that helps.

banana and bip I hope you're both ok

I will try and catch up properly soon!

Aaaand the roller coaster continues. Went along to my appointment, the consultant who did the colposcopy was my actual IVF consultant. The procedure didn't hurt a bit, he took a biopsy but said its all good & since he was the one who did it, he's happy for me to proceed with IVF as before. I'm to call the clinic & let them know. What a fucking awesome result! What are the odds that my guy would be the gynaecologist on duty?! For once I'm glad to be on the wrong side of the stats.

Icy Great breaking news on your cervix! (things that will only ever be said on a thread for the fertility-challenged....)

icy great news. We'll be Treatment buddies this month then I guess!

pumping we're a niche clique!

karla yup - I called the clinic being all lahdidah and then said I can come today to collect stabbers, so half 4 it is. Feels like progress again.

Text OH who is current with work in Poland, then I treated myself by working from home from waitrose.

I posted on this thread before I text OH.

Great news icy!

I hopefully will be treatment buddies with you all as well.
I am getting prepared for my ET and I am on burselin (suprecur) injection evening until at least the 20th when I will have a scan to start the womb thickening medication (can't remember the name think it's cyclogest).

Had another scan today. I'm still bastarding well pregnant with a 3cm "mass" left. We're going with "wait and see". The 'hope' being I have a torrential period that gets rid of it. Sounds horrendous but avoids more surgery. Urgh.

I feel so stuck! Can't move on from the last cycle Want to be on the treatment bus with the rest of you. I'm still in the garage failing my MOT.