The mind numbing boredom of infertility II

[PotatoesPastaAndBread]

This is a thread for peole who really want to get pregnant but can't, who have tried pretty much everything, and are really fucked off about it.

Have you ever nearly punched someone for advising you to "relax", "go on holiday" or "just get drunk - that's what we did"? Well then this is the thread for you.

You won't find much sentimentality here and there's no baby dust, but there is empathy, a lot of swearing and a surpirsing amount of glittery dog shit.

Link to the original thread
original thread

bananas Fucking A! Your experience just sounds so utterly shite. Well done to your doctor though, just being a normal rational empathetic human is all anyone wants in that scenario, surely?! Fuck those nurses... bunch of thunder cunts. Seriously I'm sorry you had such a shit experience, definitely complain and just try to put it all in the past I suppose - easier said than done.

Just bought the colouring book, I feel it's very me.... 🖕

I'm going to get the colouring book too!

banana that's dreadful. I had similar insensitivity but not that bad. I had to wait five days for ERPC. On the second day I was in the street and I was approached by someone selling something whose opener was "you look calm, tell me how do you deal with stess? It looks like you do it well!". My face just crumbled and a sobbed at him that I was not calm, I was in the middle of losing my baby. He legged it.

I was NHS for the procedure. The nurses where lovely. The consultant was a bastard (a bastard I didn't want to antagonise because he was about to perform surgery on me). I was fine but the woman in the next cubicle was very distressed and wanted another scan to be sure the baby was dead. We only had curtains so you hear everything and he stomped around saying what a waste of time he was called up to do consent when she was making such a fuss. Poor woman. The nurses were awesome with him.

Then he came to get my consent. Mumbled at me, didn't look me in the face once THEN SIGNED THE CONSENT FORM IN THE SPACE FOR ME TO SIGN. Clearly my consent meant nothing to him.

He put in three pessaries to soften the cervix like stuffing a turkey. No lube, dry fingers, shoved in roughly.

Finally in the anaesthetic room before theatre the nurse asked me what I do (polite chat). I do charity fundraising. Now I know it's controversial and I note your chugger story banana but as they administered the anaesthetic she gave me a diatribe about hating fundraisers. She was the person there to comfort/accompany me! So not appropriate timing. It was surreal.

Anyway, after waking up it was more or less fine, except there are geriatric patients on gynae ward (hysterectomies i think) and one was confused and came and sat in my cubicle, throwing all my stuff on the floor to make space on the chair. I was glued to the bed bleeding so had to get a nurse to remove her.

I've made that sound terrible. It was broadly fine but I was glad to be home. And just feeds the bitterness about "why can't I just do this normally like everyone else"??

Anyway sorry for the massive ramble! Happy weekend everyone!

Laura can't wait for an update, best of luck.

bip I hope you're quiet because you're on holiday having a great time.

Just catching up with the thread and wanted to wish you luck laura hope you are making most of the R&R before the big day.
bip what utter shit. Surely,surely your luck has to change soon! Hope you decided to take your much deserved holiday.

banana unbelievable!!!! Just unbelievable. So glad your Dr is going to make a complaint.

potatoes I absolutely LOLd at your "none born in five years"!! Sorry that your experience in hospital was also not great.

icy I think you'd be epic at writing a series of columns on infertility. Your posts on here are great. Maybe they'll take off and you'll be a celebrity infertility journalist and travel the world to do presentations on militant barrenness?

Best of luck Laura, so exciting.

Not much going on with me, just waiting for DH repeat SA and me to have early cycle scan and AMH test. Waiting for period, on day 32 but often have longer cycles. Woke up with strange pain other night and brain went " maybe you're pregnant " and I went "shut up stupid brain of course I'm not!!!" Grrrr.

Happy that I am not the only person wanting to expressive my feelings if people being cunts!
banana could not believe my eyes when reading what happened to you on Monday! WTF is wrong with people? Your Dr gives me some hope that not everyone is a fucking bastard. Wishing you a stress free recovery. Please upload your pictures once coloured in.
potatoes your bloody experience was just as bad! That consultant ought to be embarrassed of him self. He obviously doesn't have a partner to love him or any desire to have a loving family. Or maybe he does and takes it all for granted, Cunt.
It's crazy how people treat you based on your job.
A few times when I've dashed to appointments I've still had my badge on from work. Doctors and nurses really lovely to you when they see you work in the NHS. My consultant even went through all the findings with me once from my scans and lap and dye. Said to me I am sure you understand all this jargon and medical terminology. Made it worse for me because I understood how hard things where going to be!
icy please please write a column it's unfair that only us small lot of infertiles get to read your wit and truth about all of this. There's millions of us out there that good do with a little chuckle about all this shit. Can your first column be about how less difficult infertility would be if we didn't have to deal with complete dickheads every step of the way. From our work colleagues, medical professionals, friends/family and now even random strangers in the fucking street!?
I will not be watching One Born. I used to bloody love that show until all this started! Was thinking of recording it and if I ever get to a 2ww I could torture myself and watch them back to back.
kiwi hope AF arrives soon. Is DH ok when it comes to gives samples and appointments etc?
bip hope your pissed somewhere having fun.
laura will be thinking of you on Tuesday.
waves to all the lurkers and other ladies too

Hi all, I'm not going to cheer the thread up I'm afraid, tested today (9dp5dt) and got a bfn on a FRER. Pretty sure there's little chance of it being inaccurate at the equivalent of 14dpo. Worst thing is that for a second I thought I could see a faint second line but pretty sure it was wishful thinking. DH can't see it. I'm so fed up with it all. I feel so useless in life. I just want a family. I want to spend the weekends doing family things and I want to not feel like the odd ones out at every event we go to with friends or family. Does anyone else feel like they have no purpose in life? X

Sammy, you're not out yet. Don't give up

I feel the same. No purpose. Such a massive gap in my life.

Oh sammy so sorry to hear that. What bastard news.

Oh sammy what I said to you on our other thread applies here just as much. It’s just not fucking fair. It really isn’t. You don’t deserve this. I really really hope you and DH can be kind to yourselves. We are all thinking of you as trite as that sounds - I realise it’s of bugger all comfort as you don’t want thoughts, you want a baby.

And you will get one. I just wish you didn’t have to go through this shit to get there.

I get what you mean totally about feeling without purpose. I’m good at my job but really, I wasn’t put on this planet to try and make web sites and services a little less shit. I often feel like the one thing I’m supposed to be able to do, I can’t. I was thinking before Xmas about signing up to be a volunteer befriender in my area, I think at least if I could do something like that I would feel I had some purpose. And selfishly, that maybe putting some good karma out there would mean some would come back to us

Potatoes I am fucking horrified at what you went through. You shouldn’t ever feel guilty or apologise for what you do - it’s a damn sight more noble than the crap I do for a living. And I am aghast at your treatment. I hope your consultant get some kind of necrotising knob disease and has to have very painful and embarrassing treatment at the hands of clinicians who clearly don’t give a flying fuck about him

Bip just, no words. Thinking of you and hope you’re drowning in wine and chocolate and sunshine on holiday

icy please please write a column. A friend is a columnist for The Pool (PM me if you want to chat further) and they are completely ace. Your way with words is bloody awesome and I think your writing deserves a wider audience than just us barrens

Good luck laura - am thinking of bulging ovaries with plump follies like lush bunches of grapes

Thanks kiwi Pumping Grumpel Fractious Pebbles and anyone else I’ve overlooked

I hope the sales of the colouring book go up. I think we should make a barren themed one with ‘cunting instadiffers’ and special rainbow glittery dog shits to colour in

Unfortunately my lovely Dr now gets a few points deducted after the letter we received this morning. His cover letter summarised the initial histology report (they have got ‘products of conception’ which means they will be able to do the karotyping, and there’s no evidence of ‘gestational trophoblastic disease’, i.e. my miscarriage hasn’t left me with pregnancy related cancer). All good. Unfortunately also enclosed was the full pathology report, which reads like a fucking autopsy (which effectively, it is). It is really distressing with the full graphic detail about “partially necrotic decidua” and ‘multiple fragments of pale brown tissue’ etc. Urgh. The cover letter summarising the findings would have been enough. They didn’t need to send this to us, DH is fuming that they did.

I know to them it’s just products of conception, but that’s our dead baby they’re talking about

banana that letter is dreadful. Just throw it away. Thanks for the sympathy, it was a bit shit but I was emotionally OK. If I'd been more fragile it would have been bad. I feel for the woman who was next to me. She was very distressed. I got the feeling her baby wasn't dead but was "not viable" and that she was distraught about confirming that and having the procedure. I think the doctors must just get desensitised dealing with so many cycles / pregnancies / miscarriages. Not an excuse, but a reason.

Evening all and just a quickie check in. Have read back and I'm sorry to hear bad news Sammy it's just shit.

I was impressed Banana with your Dr but my god the procedure sounded like complete fuck-uppery. Also that's a horrible letter to get. Having not been in your position I can't really give a sensible comment but I feel I gain control when I know more detail so that sort of letter I'd find upsetting but also like I know what went on? Does that make any sense??

You also had a hideous experience Potatoes :( I just can't believe so many professionals get it so fucking wrong. WTF is wrong with people? Is it us? Actually yes we're in the vast minority here but really? FFS.

Well - I feel like I have a load of hyperactive M&Ms in my belly! We moved hotels today and found ourselves moving from the city centre to the back end of a conference centre! So: here's what I've learned so far:

• don't faff about in duty free buying makeup and perfume when the gate is closing or you'll end up running crazily and almost missing the plane (and I'm sad to say this is not an isolated incident for me there...!)

• make sure you buy travel insurance before you go and not purchase 'no medical issues all is fine really and oh we haven't left the UK yet insurance' when you're sat in a hotel room waiting to go under G.A and at risk of OHSS...

• don't bother trying to run around Brno trying to get hold of another Orgalutran with a photo of a prescription on your phone - just go to the clinic where they will hand it to you directly!

• don't stay at the Holiday Inn even tho the clinic have a preferred rate - stay somewhere more central because I guarantee you'll want to be wandering around and exploring a bit; and you can get a 5 min taxi ride to the clinic from your central hotel rather than walking 15 mins to the clinic but having to get a bus and a tram into the centre!

• Czech really isn't like any other Euro language - you can't walk past restaurants and 'fancy' anything because you can't understand any of the menu! It really is quite challenging! Thank fuck for Maccys and Starbucks...!

• the local cinema shows films in English - will let you know how Deadpool is tomorrow!

Just done my final Gonal-F tonight and Orgalutran; just my trigger shot tomorrow night....

Lastly - bit of advice please ladies - if you had the choice would you go with 2,3 or 5 day eggs..? Obvs being optimistic that we've got any...!

laura I agree entirely - I would want the report but we just felt ambushed. I think a 'a full report is available however please be aware that you may find some detail distressing' would have been preferable and then we could have mentally prepared for it

I personally would go for 5 day transfer - however if you only have 2 or 3 embryos at day 3 it is a risk, and many people would put 2 back then as there's a school of thought that they're better in you than in a dish

I have a different take in that I believe if an embryo doesn't make it in vitro it's probably not going to make it in utero. Seeing what the embryos do between day 3 and 5 gives you a lot of information - although it does risk possibly having nothing to transfer if you don't have many at day 3

Case in point. The batch of eggs from my first cycle gave us 4 embryos, of which 3 were good quality at day 3. However they all conked out and nothing made it to blast. If we had transferred at day 3 I would never have known if it was implantation failure or what. Those embryos never had the potential to become a person, and it gave us a lot of information about egg quality when I compare my first cycle and second cycles, that I wouldn't have had if we hadn't let them go for extended culture

Very long winded. But much better way of thinking is that you can put a single blast back at day 5 and reduce the risk of multiples. Counterintuitively the likelihood of pregnancy doesn't go up by much if you put two day 5 embryos back, but if you do get pregnant there's a one in two chance of twins.

Good luck!! Xxx

Will we ever be given a fucking break? So unfair sammy I cannot imagine how shit it must feel to get so far and then it be over. I know words aren't really of any help but just want you to know how sorry I/we are.
banana that letter sounds very shocking and a bit too detailed. A warning would have been nice...please be aware of medical findings regarding your recent procedure. I suppose we are just data to these medical professionals. Still shitty though.
laura sounds like your making a bit of an adventure on this trip!! Hopefully it will be a funny story to tell when the child's all grown up! "I ran round the czech republic looking for drugs to make you!"
I have no clue about day old embryos. If the clinic said they wanted to transfer a day 3 embie that looked very promising would you do it? It's an awful dilemma, do we listen to the professionals or take that chance? Does your DH have an opinion on this?
Oh you'll love deadpool, I proper belly laughed in parts.
It's really sad how much this consumes us. I cannot remember the last time I didn't wake up or go to sleep worrying about if we'll ever be parents. It's took away the person I once was. Fucking hate it so much.

Pebbles - that's exactly it. It's all I think about, so much so that I don't even know who I would be now if I wasn't infertile. Well, I do, I'd be a mum.

Thanks everyone for the support. It's shit. Does anyone know how much the progesterone delays AF by? I'm still taking it until I can talk to my clinic, and even then I suspect they'll make me carry on to otd on Wednesday. X

Just checking in from holiday jet lag to say I'm so, so sorry, Sammy. It's fucking awful.

Banana & Potatoes I'm appalled by the treatment you've had. The prospect terrifies me, but I've volunteered with SANDS to participate in NHS midwife training about stillbirth & pregnancy loss in the hope that some of the care gets better. I often wonder though if they bother to give doctors any of this training. Somehow I don't think so.

Laura - Good luck!! Got everything crossed for you. It's a tough one about embryo transfer. To be honest I'd say the clinic will have the best idea of what to do - so much will depend on how your embryos are looking, how many there are, etc. Also a lot of it will depend on how you feel emotionally - while I later wished I hadn't done the transfer, at the time I made the decision I felt strongly that I needed to get my embryos back in there ASAP. It always seems to be a balance of making the best logical / strategic decision and doing what you think you'll be able to live with emotionally.

So, I'd foolishly thought my situation couldn't really get worse - but it has! I had a second blood test with the clinic the evening before I left thinking it would give me some closure. Heard back from them as soon as I landed on Friday. Puzzlingly my hcg levels are still rising, but not doubling. So it seems much more likely now that it's ectopic, and my doctor urged me to get blood tests every 2 days while I'm away. This is kind of a complex situation to be trying to manage while on a road trip of the US deep south. Best place to get these tests done when you don't have health insurance is Planned Parenthood - which in the south is frequently a target of violent attacks by anti-abortion activists. Will be just my luck to be shot in the uterus by some redneck wingnut with a sawn-off shotgun.

Am currently in New Orleans and would dearly love to spend my time here quaffing Old Fashioneds in a jazz club, but Mr Bip doesn't want me drinking just on the off-chance (!!). So I'm in the birthplace of the American cocktail, in a state of shocking sobriety, and prevented by morning sickness (oh the irony) from enjoying any gumbo or jambalaya or crawfish pie. At least it's warm though. AND I saw an actor from the HBO series Treme on our flight here, so that made me happy. Lots of love and luck and glittery dog shit to all of you.

I've been dreaming of a Sazerac - but glad to know they're grim so maybe I'm not missing out. I do love an Old Fashioned though. Have been reading James Lee Burke for years which got me into the habit of them.

Ah bip the soap opera continues. I hope you squeeze some fun in between the blood tests and sobriety. Fingers crossed for you! But it sounds so stressful.

I want to stress that my EPU are great - nurses are fab and they've done great stuff like situating it in gynae NOT in maternity (I've heard stories of ppl having their miscarriage scans in the same place as ppl having their 12/20 week scans and clutching their bounty packs). And the nurses handled the bully boy consultant brilliantly.

In fact I've just been in touch with the EPU. After another middle if the night episode of bleeding, cramps and clotting (the first night I tried to go to bed without a sanitary towel of course), they're scanning me again this week. I'm guessing they think there's stuff still in there which might mean another procedure. At least they're listening to me, unlike the GP.

I haven't even looked at what I have at work that day, I know it's important cos I'm booked out this week. Bugger.

Spent weekend at MIL house with oh & his kids. So glad to be home to my real family cats. Although only one has made an appearance so far. Hmph.

Bip crikey what a saga. good luck with the rednecks - use a Harry Potter plummy English voice if they approach you and work out how to say why you're there in 5 words or fewer. Shame it's affecting your holiday, hope you still manage to have some fun.

Laura Czech really is a mental language right?! What's the clinic & how are the staff life there? Is there any difference to the uk, in terms of their approach, is there the same the bullshit fuckery? Are the clinics strictly barren only? Intreagued!

Banana that letter sounds awful. A warning note on the front should've been attached. I'm surprised as well, every test I've ever had I've never been formally given the result; always a letter off the consultant saying things like "your results indicate you've got PCOS so we'll prescribe you X". It was only at implications meeting on tues that the nurse gave us titbits of the results. With that background it's pretty appalling to them be given a copy of the full autopsy so to speak. Horrid. Hope you're bearing up [iphone just autocorrected that to 'beating up' which seems the right response]

With my tits doing the two get-thingy and not knowing quite when to expect the droid, I thought I'd pump myself up with a small kick in the ovaries and making myself feel worthless and just fucking sad by doing a piss stick!! I'd forgotten how abjectly fucking low one lonely little line on a cheapie piss stick makes me feel. And then I let myself think for a moment about all the sticks I've done since starting this nightmare. For me, those sticks have a direct, negative impact on my mental health. The 2 or 3 I've got left are going in the bin. Good fucking riddance.

Bip sorry to hear it's ongoing and what a drama for you. Hope you still manage to have a very enjoyable holiday.

potatoes sorry you had another episode. Glad the clinic are listening to you. Hope you get it sorted this week.

icy that sucks. I have only done one test ever, ridiculously- makes me pretty depressed to think it was two years ago. I found it so depressing that I haven't done one since even when slightly 'late'. Awaiting droid now but know I'm not pregnant so am still having the odd drink (was at pub this afternoon with friends and had to listen to long conversation about someone's new baby, how cute it is, how great she looks) - she's one of the ones I unfriended due to smug twee baby bomb on FB. I hate having to sit through these conversations!!

Hi All, just been catching up here. Welcome back Harold hope you're ok.

Sorry to hear your news bip and bananafish

bananafish and Potatoes your experiences sound so shit, I am so sorry you had to experience that.

Good luck laura

Sorry if I have missed anyone waves

I'm back and I hate it...It feels like I really did leave everything here and now I have to deal with it. I just don't know how. I am also beating myself up for putting on loads of weight etc.

Can I just hide under my duvet?

Hello all, long time lurker here, love the thread title, it's so true!

A bit about me, i'm 36 have PCOS, DH has low quality swimmers- something to do with abnormal morphology. Had first roung of IVF with ICSI in november, 19 ovocytes collected, 12 mature, 8 fertilised but none made it to balstocyst- too much fragmentation (?)They had planned to do a freeze all as was at risk of OHSS .

Had a second round of stimms in february, 11 ovocytes collected 4 fertilised, had 2 transferred at day 3 but started to bleed 10 days later- on mother's day gutted. We have 1 in the freezer, going back to see the specialist on the 4th april,. Fed up of the facebook smuggery, the scan pics, the thoughtless remarks -( it'll be you next!!) and the sneaking about to go to doctor's appointments - wish i had known sooner :(

Hi all. Sorry to hear about the ongoing shitness. Will catch up properly later but just checking in from hol to complain bitterly to those who understand about the baby bomb I just got while ON THE FUCKING BEACH trying to have a nice time after a FUCKING MISCARRIAGE. The last set of friends who WEREN'T up the cunting duff have instadiffed their second after about 34 seconds and are due the week before I would've been. Slightly surprised myself and poor DH by a mega-storm of hysterical angry sobbing and had to go hide in the hotel. So that's great.

Once I'd calmed down a bit DH decided to go for a run (presumably to let out man-feelings), pulled out his trainers and found a dead mouse in one of them. Which he thinks must have happened from them being under his desk at work. So that's travelled with us and been in our room for two days.
But has quite cheered me up actually watching DH run around shrieking with dead mouse juice on his hand. Literally farcical, our lives.