Would you be my Infertility/Clomid/Follicle tracking friend please?!

[scienceteachergeek]

Hi there ladies

I’m really looking for a ‘clomid friend’ or ‘infertility pal’!

I’m 30, DH is 38. I came off the pill July 2013 to regulate my cycles and ended 15yrs of antidepressants in March 2014 as I’d read that was the best plan if possible.

I’d been having regular 27/30day cycles since I came off the pill but after no positive tests, buying OPKs and the Clearblue Advanced Fertility Monitor, plus charting temps and monitoring my cervix and mucus it quickly became apparent that I wasn’t ovulating. After all the blood tests, sperm analysis, trans-vaginal scans and the HSG it showed that he was fine but I wasn’t ovulating, but there was not obvious reason why.

Fast forward to now, 2yrs since coming off the pill, I have been prescribed clomid and have taken my first 5 tablets. I’m day 12 today and have been having follicle tracking to check if the drugs have worked. My largest follicle was 16.4mm today and have to go back on Wednesday to check it again.

Do any of you know if that’s a good size? Or have any experiences of being further down the clomid path? Or are you in a similar position? I just feel like I’m going out of my mind and could really use a buddy!

Thanks for reading and hugs to you all. Interested in hearing from any of you xxx

science I too have the CBFM, I’m literally pissing money away on the sticks for it - as they’ve been a total waste of money for me, cos my crappy oestrogen levels mean they’ve never once given me a ‘High’ reading, only jump straight from low to peak…so basically do the same job as a cheapy OPK. Which I also use as well when I’m getting to potential ov week, because once a day can mean missing the start of the LH surge. So as well as a plastic cup of wee in the bathroom (if I wake up for the loo before the alarm I’ll get the FMU then, and leave it to dip when I get up) I have the ‘sandwich bag in a discreet makeup bag in the handbag carefully concealing a plastic shot glass and some IC OPKs’ for POAS at work purposes….

I’ve not once yet used the pregnancy sticks, so I’ve got a load of white sticks from previous boxes. Though if / when I do take one, I’ll prob not be able to use them all as the machine will only accept a stick during the testing window, so if I want to POAS later in the day, I’ll have to use another test…unless I’ve misread the instructions?!!

newleaf I so wish I had POAS before now, as at least the first time I do take a HPT wouldn’t be the time when I genuinely think there’s a possibility it might actually be a BFP. The first month TTC was the only month I did have a real flicker of hope, as I didn’t know at that point about my crap lining - should have taken the chance to POAS then.

Ahhh, to be 31 again - for me the next birthday is especially depressing, as I turn 35 next year, and that’s when I move to the over 35 box for IVF stats (and could push for an NHS referral after 6 months of trying, rather than for 12 months for under 35s). I know rationally that fertility doesn’t start a really steep decline until about 38, and that the jump between IVF success rates for

A lesbian couple I know got a male friend to simply ejaculate into a cup while they were upstairs doing the foreplay then he knocked on the door with his sample already in the turkey baster. Baby is now almost 6months old!

Same science! This couple had 3 rounds of IVF and umpteen IUIS, they'd given up on it working and then ended up trying at home insemination with a known donor. After all that treatment, they ended up conceiving TWICE with a syringe DIY insemination. Their kids are now 3 and 6 months!!

Maybe us lot should be trying this then.... Although I'm not sure how DH would feel . Of course I'm joking... But am I entertaining the idea....??? YES

Hmm, yes I agree!
Good time of the year to buy Turkey basters!

Hey all

Hospital appointment today proved there's no part of my baby left but I have got an infection somewhere. They've taken samples and swabs so I'll know by Wednesday apparently.

The woman I saw was very helpful and discussed my mental state with me. She too has urged me to start back on the antidepressants. She also told me that it's unlikely I will be given more clomid straight away and will instead be asked to try again by ourselves.....great!

Then, to add to my shit mountain, after leaving the hospital...a fucking huge yellow lorry hit my car today as I was driving around a roundabout. I couldn't get any insurance details off him because he spoke no English at all. Ended up calling the Police to help. They drove me into work and I cried until lunchtime and taught no lessons until 1.05pm!

Then tonight, the apartment I still own that I lose money on every month developed a leak. The tenants have asked me to get it fixed, ok, fair enough, until they tell me they can't afford to pay rent this month. So, I already have very little money this month (due to the sick pay issue), and now I have even less.

Sobbed most of the night and as a result I've popped my first antidepressant. Feel like an utter failure as I'd tried so hard to come off them after 15yrs taking them.

Let's hope Tuesday is better eh!

science I'm so sorry to read this. My heart goes out to you. What a terrible tale of events. I hope the leak doesn't cost too much to sort out and I hope your tenants pull their fingers out and pay you double next month. Where do you stand if they just don't pay? I have a rental too but luckily have not yet found myself in that situation. As for the wagon hitting you? FFS! There are no words. Did they say why no clomid in Immediate future? Is it because of the the antidepressants? I hope your first pill has helped a little and you feel a bit better about things this morning, although after all that crap you went through yesterday I think even Wonder Woman would be at the end of her tether. Are you ok taking antibiotics for your infection with your antidepressants (apologies for my ignorance in this area)? I'm just so sorry to hear about all of this and just hope things improve for you in 2016

I have my scan today which I'm kind of dreading. Not only is it in the middle of the day so can't get on with work properly as drive I for work but I also haven't told work I will be having it. Can't face the questions. And the MD emailed me last night at 9.45pm saying he will call me today. Brilliant, so I have that to stress about until he phones. May pre-empt him and phone him to get it out of the way as you just know Sod's law, he will phone me during my appointment. Can't wait for today to be over. I'm getting fearful for my job at the minute. I go through phases of this, and always after I've been off ill. I had a wrist slapping from my immediate boss yesterday morning on the conference call. So that's the last 2 Monday mornings I've started work super motivated and ready to go totally stressed out. Counting the days down to Xmas now, just so I don't have to think about work! Bleeding started yesterday again so I'm quite pleased I have this scan today so they can tell me if it's all gone or not. I'm so desperate to get pregnant again this month (aren't we all, but you know when you have months where you need it even more than usual) even though I know it's unlikely to even ovulate. Think ovulation day will be wed-fri next week ish if at all.

How is everyone else doing? [santa]

Oh science what a day! You poor thing, it never rains but it pours

I shan’t offer any platitudes (like ‘you have to see the rain in order to see the rainbow’, ’this too shall pass’ - BLARGH) but just to say you are not a failure for taking the anti depressants

It’s not a win/lose or pass/fail test. You are doing a very positive, proactive thing - your future child needs their Mum & Dad to be in good nick physically and mentally, and you owe it to yourself to take the help available to help you get yourself into a better place. Which is exactly what you are doing. You’ve been through a hell of a lot, that would test the strongest person - taking the meds isn’t a black / white thing either, you may find you take them to get you to a place where you feel more able to deal with everything that’s going on. This is the first step - onwards and upwards

Vap thinking of you for your scan today. And your boss can just NOB OFF. FFS. He really does sound like a complete waste of atoms. What the hell is wrong with people?

Big hugs ladies xx

So this scan has left me feeling so much worse.
The dipped my wee, not even fmu and there was a clear line. It was fairly faint but very clearly there.
My own test was clear on Sunday
So they scanned me and said there was only a small amount to still come out. I don't know if she saw the but that was still to come out or if she said that because of the positive test.
They sent me away saying not to dtd this month without using protection because my body may think any further pregnancy could be the mc and my body may push it out. Not heard that one before??? I asked if I would ovulate, can't remember if she answered but basically said not to try.

So I'm going to ignore that.

As if they can tell someone 28 months into trying to not dtd??
WTAF?
So interestingly the test she had was 25mlu so clearly all of these ic's are nowhere near as sensitive as they say they are. I wish you could buy the actual ones the dr's use.
So now I'm sat here, feeling massively bloated which I presume was because of her sticking the thing around inside and totally confused. So I'm still a little bit pregnant. But for how long? No follow up tests. My ic's won't be any use as they don't say I'm pregnant now so can't rely on them telling me I'm not. I wish I hadn't gone. It's made it all worse. I thought that I would get closure from this appointment and be told it's all gone and to go and try again and here is our number if you go through this in future. But no. They won't speak with me before 6w with future pregnancies and had no advice other than not to try this month for a reason I've never heard before. They suggested going back to my consultant and seeing what he had to say about it all, they said he may see me earlier in pregnancy than them. So I called and waited from number 14 in the queue and after 28 minutes they out me through to a voicemail and haven't had a call back. Surprise surprise.
One comment she said was that my lining was nice and thin which was good for after mc. I'm sure she is right but the whole reason I've been asking for progesterone is to help thicken my lining as from what I'm seeing with my blood results my hormones aren't strong enough and every man and his dog seem to be given it to help sustain pregnancies. So this has added fuel to the fire with that comment.
Just so confused!

Can someone please come along with some good news!!!

Oh what a load of crap Vap. I have nothing helpful to say I'm afraid. I can tell you, from a scientific point of view that you definitely won't ovulate until the miscarriage is complete. Have you got a early pregnancy unit near you. My local one is only 10mins away within the hospital I've been staying in lately. You could perhaps go there for another scan?

It was the early pregnancy unit I went to but they aren't interested in following it up. I didn't think to ask about them checking when it will all be over when I was there as it was a shock to hear the test was still positive and that there was still some left. I'm useles in these situations. My mind goes blank.

How are you feeling science after a couple of days of meds?

Sorry things are rubbish. Please go back if you're concerned. I don't see how you're going to know when it's all over without another test....or am I being thick?

Not sure if it's the placebo effect or things are actually improving but I do feel a bit better. Had a couple of side effects which I don't remember from 15yrs ago but nothing I can't handle. Sleeping pills don't seem to be working anymore but at least things feel like they're improving.

DH took a bit of a back step today but it would have been his Dad's birthday, so a wobble was expected. Visited MIL who I think tried her best but still managed to come out with a couple of insensitive things....I guess that's the nature of many older ladies though! Lots of older folk I know seem to have very little in the tact or diplomacy department!

Any news from others? X

Hi peeps,

Feel a bit behind on here as a lot has gone on lately!!

Vap I'm sorry you had a bad appointment with unhelpful, confusing staff. Its the last thing you need.

No news here, I am enjoying a few days at home in one place catching up on life and taking a breather. I am still behind on my open uni study and normal work, of course, but nothing I can't catch up with in the next week I hope.

Doctors appointment and mid cycle scan looming on the 18th. I am actually abroad at the moment. I am flying back to england (4 hour flight), renting a car, driving 3.5 hours to appointment, driving back to airport and then flying back to this home all on one day. I will leave home at around 5am local time and land back at 4.20am local time the next day. Now that is dedication to the cause and craziness..... I would stay longer in england or go earlier and not do all that crap in one day but it will be shag time and DH is working from here this month and away for two days after so i have to get back to shag. isn't that crazy. hahahaha

So that scan had better show a big juicy egg and good lining or i will be pissed off. The reason i am going is also so that they have on their records whats going on so if the next two clomid cycles don't work i can say well now what, WTF is wrong with me and fix it please.

I also feel i should ask for more blood tests since mine were last done in January. Or a repeat SA for DH? I don't know. Something, anything. I have been with the fertility clinic for a year now and nothing has happened or changed other than "here's some clomid" that should help.

anyway...

From usual xmas grinch i am in total xmas mode and off to buy some decor for our apartment today.

But i draw the line at xmas loo roll.....

oh, and, I contacted amazon about the crappy IC tests and they are sending me out 70 new (or i should say old-style) tests as replacement for free without me even asking. so now i can pee on 3 sticks a day for the next few months and not run out should i wish to do so!!!

i also ordered some more pre-seed, FRER and a clear blue digital for the day I actually do get a BFP to show DH. ... oh and a new vibrator hahahahaha! TTC essentials and a little something for me too hahaha!!!

Vap so so sorry the EPU are being so desperately unhelpful. Once Xmas is out of the way, in the new year, can you push your GP for some basic tests for progesterone levels and thrombophilia panel (incl antiphospholipid syndrome). Have you had your thyroid checked? I think it’s pretty disgusting these relatively simple tests aren’t run until someone has had 3 consecutive miscarriages, when they’re relatively inexpensive and in many cases can provide some answers - and are treatable. If they’re still not forthcoming, would you consider seeing someone private to run a few tests? You clearly don’t have a problem getting pregnant, and it may just be really fucking unfair bad luck, and the next time may well be the one that leads to a baby 9 months later! But to my uneducated mind, it surely couldn’t hurt to check if there are any relatively easily fixable underlying issues, in case future heartbreak could be avoided. Massive hugs.

Equal hugs in good measure to you science -you are doing fantastically, we’re all thinking of you. Hope you and DH can be kind to yourselves. Other people’s (well-meaning but unhelpful) comments don’t matter. The only thing that matters is the two of you. You are a team, you are in this together, and you WILL get there from a team of 2 to a team of 3

newleaf you’re a true TTC soldier - I LOVE that dedication to the cause. All your prep sounds fantastic - scout’s honour!

AFM, ugh, spoke too soon about the pill symptoms. The combo of down regging (and being put into temporary menopause) plus the pill has made the hormones kick in big time - have gone from mega short fuse and complete sense of humour failure (HULK SMASH) to weepy and despondent and generally emotionally all over the place. Waaaaah. Baby blitzkrieg all over the place - obv I am so so so happy for everyone, esp those lovely ladies who have struggled with infertility who deserve it so so much. And it does give me such hope! It’s just in my, er, emotionally volatile state that I’m not feeling particularly resilient at the moment.

Oh and I had another raging bladder infection and had to spend several hours on Sunday in the walk in clinic to get an emergency course of ABs. Second in a month, 4th UTI this year. FFS.

On the plus side, DH did a sperm freeze as a back up for our next egg collection day after the events of last time, and the embryologist told him he had an ‘awesome’ sample - so at least only one of us is broken! He was worried that at 45 he would have issues with sperm count - although his morphology was borderline, the embryologist said 4% was considered normal (strict criteria) and certainly with a count of 168m there was nothing to worry about. Although in any case, as we have to do ICSI on frozen eggs, as long as there are a few good ones in there, it’s relatively academic - as unless we can find a way to get my lining up in a natural cycle, there’s basically bugger all chance of a natural BFP, even if I am ovulating.

Sorry, bit of a basket case banana today!! xxx

Morning all

So cd 10 here (if you can call it that). Haven't managed to buy any cheap opks so thought I'd start with my cb ones. I should have started dipping them on cd8 but have been away and didn't have them with me. So, I dipped one this morning which has the blank circle which I think it always does no matter what your levels as it is a base line. So I've been on mn since about 7am reading people's stories and decided to use one of my precious frer to check my pregnancy is officially over. Spotting stopped yesterday. Dtd last night and sorry for tmi but everything was clear in colour when it came out. So I thought, great, it's all over and finished. But my frer is still showing a positive. It is clearly a line which is frustrating as I think it's of comparable darkness to when I was 10dpo and I'm so cross its still there, and even more cross that I'm going to have to waste another one to check its all over. I suppose one thing i know from this is that I am not anywhere near ovulating yet if it is still clearly there , just as I seem to start feeling better about things I get knocked back again. Argh! When will this all be over???

Pic

Hi everyone. Sorry for the radio silence. Still dealing with the house move & work has been crazy .

Vap - How unbelievably frustrating and painful for you. Surely they must have some idea about when all of this will be "over". I know it's no consolation at all, but do what you can to let your hair down and enjoy Christmas/New Year. When you start ovulating again is totally out of your control, as frustrating as that may be (and trust me, I say that knowing just how much I would struggle in your situation).

Science - How are you getting on with the antidepressants? It's still early days, but they'll hopefully start having a bit of an effect soon. I'm sorry to hear about your OH. I'm also sorry to hear about what a shitty week you've had! You really are due some good news soon. What's happening with your tenants? It all sounds incredibly stressful.

Banana - How are the cystitis and hormones? What a combination, you poor thing! I'm sorry to hear your hormones are all over the place and you feel so bad (metal note: don't irritate Banana while she's in Hulk-Mode!!!). What are the timescales from now on? That's good that they froze some of your DH's sperm, just incase.

I've just watched that TedTalk and read the article, thanks for sharing this. It also completely resonated with me. I really want to share it on Facebook, but don't feel ready to 'out' myself yet. We've started telling a few friends, but only those we really trust.

35 isn't old at all . What's important is you're 35 and getting treatment, not 35 and just starting out with a few years battling infertility ahead of you BEFORE starting treatment.

NewLeaf - That's crazy commitment to the cause. Very best of luck!

AFM, I'm not monitoring anything this month. I hit such a low point I just needed a month off. Obviously it's always there, and I think about it every day, but I'm not sneaking to the loo at work 3 times a day to do an IC or timetabling sex. I think I feel a little better knowing we've started the path to IVF, although I realise how difficult that's going to be (emotionally, physically and practically).

I may have mentioned that I went to a wedding in September where they were very vocal about wanting a family soon. I've just seen on one of their Facebook pages that someone has put "I'm so happy happy for you both. What exciting news". FFS, this can only really mean one thing. Why is it so easy for everyone else?

flat the people from the September wedding get added to the* list of annoyingly fertile people

vap* I'm sorry your body isn't playing ball and the wait must feel impossibly long. I know how frustrated I would be in the situation, swearing, crying, flapping about... Crying some more...... However,,, but ,,, as the advice to science went- try to be kind to yourself. Your body is going thru a lot and it's trying to be as tip top as possible before going again. It just happened that mentally you dealt with it before your body finished dealing with it! One way or another you will get there.

Like flat said I hope you can enjoy some Xmas vibes and let your hair down a bit.

I have decided to do dry January. I do like a wine all to often and hoping that it might improve my conception chances just as much as I want to do it as a test to myself.

That TED talk really resonated with me and I was a bit teary watching. I want to show people so they can understand, but I truly believe that unless you go through the struggle you will never understand. I guess it's like your overall health which most people take for granted and unless sick you don't know the value in it.

For me, January will mark 24 months of actively TTC and the first birthdays of two friends' babies born since I was TTC. Strange to think if I had conceived too I would be a mom to a one year old. ... Just crazy...

Oh NewLeaf - I'm so sorry . That must feel awful. We're not as far along as you, but we've still had babies be conceived and born in the time we've been trying. One of my best friends started just before us and took a few months to conceive (I think 5/6 months) and her baby's been born, then other friends (as mentioned above) got married at the end of last year/this year and have either had babies or announced their pregnancies. As far as I'm aware, none of them were trying before they got married so they must have gotten pregnant almost immediately . It just feels so lonely and, as you mentioned, even though these are lovely people they just could never understand what it really feels like. A few friends I have told (and I mean a few as I have been very careful about who we tell) say things like "It takes an average of a year to conceive, so if some people conceive first go it makes sense that other people take much longer than a year". I get that they're trying to help, and to an extent it does help, but they just don't understand the desperation and fear that keep me awake at night that this MAY NEVER HAPPEN. I am not bothered about it taking a long time: it's the not knowing whether it will ever actually happen that gets to me.

I was talking to my mum about it yesterday and saying how frustrating it is that nobody talks about it and it's such a hidden illness. I was saying that if we're lucky enough to ever have a successful pregnancy I'll be very vocal about everything we've been through (with DH's consent). I told her about the TED talk but can't decide whether to send it to her or not. I think she'd find it interesting and it would help her to understand, but she's said ALL the things that people say that are really unhelpful ("relax and stop thinking about it and it'll happen"; "it'll happen on holiday"; "know friend who gave up and decided to have fancy holidays and then had three children"; and "do you think it's because you're so uptight?"). I would just hate for her to think she'd upset me (she's very sensitive!).

Good luck doing dry January NewLeaf. It will only be a good thing for your health and will hopefully make you feel better for achieving something you find challenging.

Banana, Science and Vap - How are you all doing? It sounds like you've all had a pretty shitty week/few weeks .

Sorry if I don't respond much over the next week - things are about to get very busy at work! Conversation at 8:30pm on Friday night with my boss:

Flat: "It looks like it's going to be manic next week. Should I book a hotel near to the office for Monday night?"
Boss: "You can do, although there's no way you will be leaving the office before [this project] gets done"

The project is due to complete any time between Tuesday evening and Friday. HAPPY F*CKING CHRISTMAS .

I've genuinely not been tracking my cycle this month. I just logged onto fertility friend to see where I am and when my period's due, and it's due on Christmas Day! What an absolute joke, ha ha! I'm definitely glad I'm taking this month off!

Morning All

Can't wait to break up for Xmas! So tired of this year!

flat so I take it you have completed on your house now? What a relief although I can imagine having all your stuff to move in is hard work. Well done on not tracking your cycle this month. Xmas day af?! WTF? Bloody wedding friend! How annoying! I have recently found the hide button on Facebook which has been invaluable to me as I don't get baby bombed or reminded of all these happy couples with babies all day every day. I can recommend it! I may have gone a bit overboard and hidden everyone of child bearing age (including men) but i can't kick my FB habit so have just gone for hiding people for a while.

newleaf good job on dry January, I'll be joining you with that! We have done it for the last 7 years with varying success rates. I have a great motivation this January to get fit and lose some weight as I have 6lbs to lose before 18th when I see my consultant. Your comments about how old your baby would be if you were caught 1st time like so many people and I mentioned to dp last night that we would have a nearly 2 year old if we had been caught 1st month. It's sad to think how much time we are all wasting just waiting.

I watched 18 kids and counting last night. Do any of you watch it? I was in tears. I was saying to dp, look at how lucky these people are having all these kids (not that I would want that many) but what I didn't know until I watched it was that baby 17 didn't make it. Very very sad. Amazing that she has bucked the trend of 1 in 4 mc although I suppose there are losers like me who build up the numbers.

flat your friends sound no help at all with their comments. I won't speak with anyone anymore about what we are going through. There were a few (very few) I have told and have since told them not to ask me as I will probably just start crying and neither of us want that. The only person I have actually spoken to recently is a friend who had 4 mc although she already had a child and was getting caught every month in succession so didn't have the added heartache of years of trying before it. People just can't understand and as much as I would never wish this on anyone these people should keep their opinions to themselves when they have no knowledge. We went out to a "ladies Xmas lunch" on Sunday and one of my relatives was really pushing about me having kids, "you'd make a brilliant mum" "what will you call them when you have them?" " aren't you broody" the comments and questions went on and on. I sat there doing my best, which wasn't a great attempt, I sat there with a stupid grin on my face hoping someone changes the subject before I fall apart. I couldn't muster any words and am quite pleased I managed to get through it as if I had snapped it would have been awful and would have destroyed a lot of people's evenings. Not everyone can just pop out 4 kids like her. I knows she means nothing bad from her comments and a lot of it was compliments about how great a parent I would be but ARGH! Just say nothing!!!!

So I called to cancel my booking appointment yesterday (booked for tomorrow) and i asked them about still having positive tests. They said if I have had the mc confirmed then there will be no problem having positive tests and to expect them for about 3-4 weeks. Not very helpful and I don't really believe that is true. From what I've read on here people often have bits left in them that gets infected which is why they still have positive tests. Anyway, even though I don't agree with what she said it has put me at peace a little and I have decided I will test again later on this week and hope for a negative. On cd13 today and no signs of ovulation. I haven't used my cb sticks after all as thought it would just be a waste when I know I can't ovulate whilst I still have hcg in me. So I suppose we are having a non tracked cycle this month although I have been temping and also inspecting loo roll hoping for ewcm of which there is none and I think we won't ovulate this month. As for me af is due on NYE (if my cycle bounces back to normal anyway) Brilliant!

science how are you doing? I'm oekases the pills seem to be helping, even if it is placebo, the end goal is for you to feel better and if you are then excellent. Sorry about mil's comments. Why do they feel the need to ask??

banana how are you getting on with your meds? When can you expect things to start moving forward now?

birch how are you getting on? Are you still trying naturally? Am I right thinking you've had the last of your clomid and you're just waiting on this lap & dye in feb. I really hope you get some answers from that. Do you know when in feb it will be?

With dry January looming and knowing I'm still a little bit pregnant and so can't get caught again I'm making the most of my friend prosecco. Think those 6lbs to lose in jan may well rocket to 9 if I keep up this drinking.

Vap you are doing amazingly well considering you are in limbo hell. Newleaf summed it up perfectly when she described it as you having (amazingly) dealt with it mentally before your body finished dealing with it physically. I think you’re doing absolutely fantastically - obviously I can’t begin to imagine what you’re going through, and wouldn’t dare to equate the two experiences, but just to say I can relate a little to feeling completely confused and utterly betrayed by my body, and utterly, utterly fed up with being blindsided again and again. So many hugs. Keep drinking that prosecco!

Flat congrats on the move and hope you will be feeling more settled in your new place for Xmas. Think not tracking sounds like a great idea - you deserve a break. And I really really hope your boss can nob off and that work isn’t too hellish and that you can actually get a PROPER break off work over Xmas - hell knows you’ve earned it!

I totally, totally agree with you about it not being the length of time it takes, it’s the uncertainty about knowing whether or not it will EVER work. I am going to say something very controversial here and very uncharitable here, which would get my lynched on other threads, and I apologise now, but I am going to be very honest. I really really struggle to have the same level of sympathy or empathy with women on infertility threads who are suffering from secondary infertility. I do not doubt in my head one little bit that the heartbreak of wanting a child so bad and the disappointment of a BFN is exactly the same. But I cannot equate the potential sadness of ‘only’ having one child with the potential sadness of NEVER becoming a parent. I would do anything, ANYTHING, to become a Mum. The uncertainty about whether or not I will ever be a parent, I’m afraid I cannot equate this with the uncertainty of whether or not I will be able to give my child a sibling - I’m sorry, I can’t put them on the same level.

I consider myself a pretty resilient person - I’ve had several major surgeries, several chronic health conditions and the loss of a parent - but I would say infertility is possibly the hardest thing I have dealt with. With the loss of my Mum, I was and have been able to go through the stages of grief - there was a finality about it. It breaks my heart that I will never be able to talk to her again, but I have absolute certainty that she is gone, that is not going to change, and I have to deal with it and push on with life without her. With infertility, I cannot make any peace with anything as there is no certainty about anything. I don’t know how I will ever know when to give up and move on. It’s the being no end in sight that is so very very hard - I completely agree

Newleaf - sending you so so many hugs for the 24 month mark, my heart breaks for you, I really hope that 2016 is your year. I hope that 2016 is the year for all of us!! But you ladies all deserve it so very much.

AFM, I’m just spinning my wheels waiting till the new year. I started the birth control pill 2 weeks ago, my next appointment is as soon as we’re back after Xmas (Mon 4th Jan). Hopefully at my scan then I’ll be given the go ahead to start stims.

If I’d started stims as planned 2 weeks ago I would have been having my egg collection this week. Just in limbo really, I can’t TTC naturally as I’m on the contraceptive pill to put my ovaries to sleep. No indulging at Xmas for me as I have to get my body and my eggs as healthy as possible ready for stims, so it’s just a question of trying to get through the next 3 weeks. Bloody office xmas party on Thurs, hopefully I won’t have to explain why I’m not drinking too many times, and then everyone will get suitably battered and not notice me slipping out as early as possible. I’m only a freelancer so it’s not like they’re my work best buds. And parties where you’re the only person not drinking are REALLY dull. Thankfully apart from work I don’t have a single Xmas lunch or party to attend this year, so I can quite happily hibernate with my cup of herbal tea and just wait the next 3 weeks out….

The drawer in the fridge where the beer used to go is now full of syringes of meds, so it’s kind of a good visual representation of how our life is on hold! Eggs and sperm take 3 months to develop fully so we did 3 months of hardcore healthy living before our cycle in Sept, and basically as we’re now on the IVF wagon for an indeterminate amount of time, we’re now pretty used to not drinking any more (don’t miss the hangovers!), and I’ve just about got used to no diet coke, haha.

Although when I have to turn up to work drinks I do push the boat out and have a diet coke just to feel like I’m living on the edge!!

I’m just desperately hormonal and fed up. I’m catastrophising about everything and convinced I’m going to have 0% fertilisation rate, that I’m going to be one of those women who has treatment resistant lining so that even if we can make embryos I’ll never make it to transfer, and that I have some undiagnosed immune issue which is behind my plummeting ovarian reserves that will mean nothing will ever be able to implant or I’ll never be able to carry a pregnancy to term.

Unfortunately this is what hanging around on infertility boards does to you!

The fact that my consultant runs one of the top NHS fertility centres in the country, has trained a load of the top private consultants in London and FFS did his MD thesis and won loads of awards for his research into premature ovarian failure, means that really why the fuck am I second guessing the treatment I am getting - as though maybe Dr Banana has identified something that the eminent Harley St consultant has overlooked?!

Short protocol was loads easier as we just went straight into stimming - turning myself into a human chemistry set to put myself into temporary menopause (and having an extended disco remix of an extended down regulation) has been really hard going tbh. The physical side is a doddle. It’s the emotional side that’s the hard bit.

I just want to get this cycle over and done with. There have been loads of BFPs in the last month on the various forums and communities I am on, including miracle first-IVF-cycle BFPs for women like me with v low AMH who were written off by the NHS. I should take inspiration from these (i.e. if it can happen for them, it could happen for me!) but in my ridiculous mindset it feels like there is a finite amount of luck that can go around, so there will be nothing left by the time my cycle rolls around.
And bless you FLat about the 35 point. I recently turned 34, and the eggs in the freezer are from when I was (just about still!) 33, so I’m hoping to get a couple more cycles in before I turn the magic age of 35…!!

As far as I am concerned, January cannot roll around quickly enough!!!!

Evening chicas...

vap yes I have seen 18 kids and counting. That woman and that family is ridiculous. I don't know why anyone would want so many kids!! For me i'd love 2 or 3 but will settle for 1 thanks! Some friends of mine are from 5 kid families and although i love the idea of growing up in such a big family i think it would be a nightmare as a parent to coordinate, manage and perhaps I'm a bit cold but could i actually love all five kids and a husband "enough"? Is there enough love to go around?

Love the idea of "hiding" people on FB... I am a FB addict too and although i don't post much i lurk on there... A LOT! I have hidden a few people I know who post such crazy shit on there. a few anti obama red necks who do my head in. a few i can't bear to hide because their craziness.. well its kinda fun to observe...

Glad to hear vap that you are doing dry january.. i will need a buddy or someone to be accountable with for dry January i think because i know I'm going to find it hard!!!

banana i can't imagine going thru all the meds for IVF. I really "feel" my hormones and am quite an emotional person. I had a few hours tears sunday night about my mom as I saw some perfume while shopping online which was my moms last xmas gift to me and like infertility, the grief just catches you unexpectedly some times. hats off to you for dealing with the emotional side of it all, its hard enough as it is without all these hormones getting in the way and super sizing it all!!

flat I hope work isn't too hectic! And super well done for the non-monitored month. Sucks AF is due on xmas but more of a reason to just stuff it and have a chilled out xmas day... Maybe your mom will be right and maybe this will be the month you fall pregnant since you aren't trying .. ha. ha. ha.

well ladies, off to study and cook! enjoy your evening