Secondary infertility

[YorkshireTeaDrinker]

Am in cycle 19 TTC #2. We have a beautiful DD who took a while to conceive (managed on cycle 16, got my BFP the day before our referral appointment for fertility treatment!) so I expected it to take a while to get a second. However, time is ticking by (am 37) and I really do want DD to have a sibling, so I have been to the GP. First set of investigations have been done and and DH and I have an appointment with the GP this afternoon to get test results and hopefully a referral.

I am feeling a strange combination of emotions. I feel a bit guilty for wanting another child so much when I already have a wonderful DD. I am worried about what treatment may be necessary, how we can pay for it, even if it would be appropriate to fund trying to conceive another child when we could spend those resources on giving the child we already have the best possible start in life.

I even feel a tiny bit guilty for even posting this here, as I already have a child and should be grateful for what I have (and I am, very much). But I can't help longing for another, I get so envious of friends who have / are going on to have second children (and in some cases contemplating a third). I am a mummy, I no longer have to deal with the awful feeling of wondering if I will ever know the joy of parenthood, but every month I have the same disappointment and sense of failure when AF arrives, coupled with the anxiety that every month lost makes the potential age gap bigger.

So please tell me your good news about secondary infertility. Did you get your BFP eventually? Or did you manage to come to terms with not having another and make the most of your smaller than planned family? And if you did go down the path of intervention, what did it involve? Was it successful? Do you have any regrets?

Oh resp I know exactly what you mean. One of my nct lot has been complaining about pregnancy symptoms and I have been mentally very very mean to her. A good friend is due next week, the same date bar a few days as my second failed pregnancy last year. I have had to ban myself from facebk. It is shit.

I had my first counselling session. I am having to give her the benefit of the doubt as it was only the first one, but she pretty much told me the stuff I could have heard from any kindly woman at a bus stop. She knew women who had been told they couldn't have kids but went on to have loads. It happens when you relax and stop trying. Siblings don't necessarily mean best friends as she only speaks to one of her four siblings. Hmm. She also said I should take B vitamins

sorry, phone rubbish.....

and omega 3 and eat more coriander, eggs, avocado and turkey, take more exercise and get daylight in order to lift my mood.... Anyway, I am going back next Thurs, so fingers crossed she'll say something that doesn't sound like she got it from the Daily Fail. She did say I should give myself a break. I think she is right there, everything has been quite raw of late. I am dreading the next few weeks. For my first mc due date I had a steaming migraine which made me throw up

Eek, Voila, hope you're not paying her too much! I'm sure it'll be more helpful as she gets to know you better.

Voila - just reread your backstory. We both have 3 year olds. Having number 2 seems like a now or never moment, doesn't it? From my ante-natal group of 13, only 3 of us now have just one. One is by choice and the other has separated from her partner. I'm the only one who has 'tried and failed' and I can see that the topic is beginning to make some of the others weary (and I'm sure they all secretly think it's down to me for having left it until my forties).

Don't be too hasty to rule out IVF. I said that I'd 'never' do it but underestimated the effect that not having a second would have. Up for round 3 in Feb, I hope!

Arf, I am not paying her at all, it's through an employee assistance programme, thankfully. But my thoughts exactly. Though I must admit to having felt a little more relaxed since than before. It is so hard to tell what causea what sometimes. She has asked me to keep a mood diary. I am hopeless and have not yet started.

And tell me about it re everyone moving on. Of my nct six, two have their second, two are pregnant. One was having difficulty too but we arent really keeping in touch and I hope she is now pg as she was feeling so low. I bestow my good vibes very carefully, this lark has made me very mean!

We haven't ruled out ivf but the success rates are so depressing. At the moment I cannot think about it and, today anyway, I am happier not thinking about it. Last week I was feeling desperate to start. Or to at least go and find out the actual likelihood. I am 39 and (today) trying to mentally minimise the age issue. I think it may well be another shit year.

The age gap issue really bothered me last year, before Game Over flashed up. There is 3.5yrs between my sister and me which has always worked perfectly. That is all up the spout anyway now.

I do wish I could parent properly right now, H is going through a difficult phase and I am exacerbating it. I feel I am letting him down atm.

Hi resispa and voila I had an ok weekend, I'm sort of thinking it won't happen for me now. 43 in a week, we haven't been able to try this month as dh was injured in a car accident. Saving up for IUI is going to take us forever.
Blimey that's a lot of cliches from your counsellor voila! But if it makes you feel calmer its worth it.
I think age gaps are irrelevant really,siblings either get on or they don't.
Take care everyone x

Signing in here, have a lovely boy age 4 and teetering on the edge of IUI. But gritting my teeth as a close family member is about to give birth, also after secondary infertility issues...delighted for them, but....

Also feel 'now or never'.

Hi everyone.

Hmm, age gaps. It does worry me that too large a gap will impact adversely on DD as a 3.5yr+ younger sibling would mean she'd lose out in some way but what do I know, that's probably rubbish!

I was pregnant (but had m/c) in early 2012, with a gap of 21 months on the cards which I thought was ideal but looking back would have been hell! Then this time (also m/c) it would have been 3.5yrs which I'd talked myself into being ideal; more time with DD as pre-schooler, still off on mat leave when DD starts school, easy to take both to Oz to see grandparents next Feb etc.

Now, who knows?

It is a daft thing to worry about in the circs, eh? I would be so bloody thrilled to have a successful pregnancy that I wouldn't care in the event, but it certainly caused tears last year. I have read there are benefits to a larger age gap though, less jealousy etc. I worry about H's loneliness. He certainly appears to require my constant attention

Hi branchingout. It is so hard waiting for someone else's baby when time is passing you by to no avail. Are you another "unexplained"?

Am a complete loon. Officially. Just plummeted from fine to depressed, a train of thought triggered by.......a jellybaby.

I think I may need to bring my next counselling session forward....

yep, unexplained secondary infertility

Lol voila, well anything can trigger us off, its an emotional time! Hello branching out, welcome to the thread, sorry it's in such shite circumstances.
My boy is nearly 7 now, I have been upset by the increasing potential age gap over the years but now I dont care, I just want to complete my family :-(

at jellybaby.

I was in a good mood yesterday and rounded a corner to come face to face with a mother (looking pretty hassled, I accept) and her TWO pre-school children. That's all it needed to make me feel less than fine.

Even being woken at 3 and 6am today does not make me wonder if 1 is enough or, rather, if I want to do it again.

We're all mad, aren't we? Hey, at least I have company in my madness.

I am finding this period around my family member's 'confinement' to be bringing this all into stark relief. Feel a bit irrational about it and am overdue to phone her, but feel that I might do something ridiculous like ask her not to use particular names....

I had a slight pang when I saw the gate at the station which is for pushchairs etc also says 'for pregnant women'.

Also just back from a holiday where we met a couple who had a girl and twin boys 18 months apart, who seemed to be pointing out that all the only children they knew were fussy eaters whereas their children...,

And what am I supposed to do with that tip?!

Oh branching, that is hard. I am sure you wouldn't blurt anything out but it is awful to feellike that. Has the family member been sympathetic to your feelings?

And re the couple on holiday, bet theirs start eating nothing but cocoa pops any day now. And taking turns to wake every hour through the night. People just don't think (and I am guilty of this so I do try to be forgiving.....unless they are horrible/I take a dislike to them....)

On the upside, the jelly babies did not upset me today.

Godessenic - same boat here!

I wonder how did I ever do it the first time!!

Booked for tests this month, just want to know if there is any hope at all.

Branching - send 'em to mine. DD - just 3, 21kgs, head and shoulders above most 4 yr old boys, in 5-6 clothes and with size 11 feet () -would prove the theory wrong. She eats EVERYTHING!

I have been having couselling recently as I was worrying about everything but I think the unexplained infertility was at the base of it all, she was good but a bit the same advise as the bus stop lady, don't dwell in it, have fun all month round, don't think about dates etc etc, which is difficult when the dates are programmed into your brain! She was referred by the dic, our area have a wellbeing clinic. hubby and i had a nice wee night away at the weekend, prime ovulation time...time will tell, I hate these next 2 weeks when the optimism returns only to 'normally' be shattered. Branching out, I have a neighbour who keeps telling me how wonderful it must be to have an only child, she has 2, I want to hit her!! You must've been mad at the twin +1 couple! Xx

Hi Lady. Sometimes you just want someone to acknowledge (i) that the yearning for no 2 is no different than others have it for no 1, (ii) that life is unfair to us in this regard and (iii) that it's a bit shit, don't you? But people don't, they just go on churning out the stupid platitudes. Grrr!

LadyC that is interesting about your counsellor too. I am going again tonight and will report back. I am not sure what I want her to say that would be better than platitudes. A "yes that is a shit situation" might be nice.

And no pressure LadyC but we need a win on this fred now..... Have my cheerleading pom poms and am giving encouraging shakes.

Thanks all, yes I was a receiving a real vibe from them of 'you must have a pampered only child' whenever the conversation strayed on to parenting topics.

Good luck for the counselling tonight, Viola. I hope that she has reflected a bit in the meantime and thought about what this means to you, rather than uttering platitudes.

It is a bit like when parents say that child free couples lead selfish lives. I cant think of anything more selfish than opting to continue your gene pool. No one has kids for the kids' sakes, do they? I know I didn't. (Though with kids there is less time for navel gazing....or is that just me?)