OMG, has anybody read this about the adopted boy sent back?

[tweetymum]

Just saw www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1264744/American-sends-adopted-Russian-boy-behavioural-pr oblems.html this on the news, how can anyone be so callous?

In tears now, as we have an adoption from India going through and dreading what its going to mean for us. Horrible woman!

I know what sardonic means. You might want to remember that its hard to read the tone in text, and you add your own layers of interpretation.

You are quite right runnybottom and I have asked for my posts to be deleted. I took offence where there was none in actuality and I apologise to all concerned.

And I am, for example, a twat.

But I do feel strongly about this.

don't worry about it, we all do it. Tis the nature of the beast.

You are very gracious. It is an essential MN quality which I need to emulate

shh, you'll spoil my rep for being a narky bitch feisty poster!

Jemnot, I really hope this does not affect our adoption. We have a family adoption going through (we live in Canada) and are adopting the 9 month old baby girl of a family member who has recently been going through a tough time in India.

The process is still the same here, perhaps a little less stringent than in the UK. Its expensive and even though we are adopting a family baby, we still have to go through the entire process.

I have calmed down a bit after having a chat with my liaison who assures me there won't be a problem.

But I still feel very strongly about the issue and had been in tears all morning after having read about this. Why on earth didn't she contact the SS there, I am sure if she had asked for help she would have got it. I am sure the boy had his problems, but how on earth did she think it was acceptable to do what she did, essentially not just abandon the child, but sending him halfway across the world to no security and a pretty awful institutionalised life? I hope she is going to be asked to answer for her actions!!

@ MiladyDeWinter - the lmao comment was because I thought I knew exactly what you meant and that I felt the same way. That I too would wish to win the lottery to give me the chance to change things if I had the chance. I'm sorry that I worded it so badly that you thought I was being mean. I actually didn't mean anything mean at all. All I can do is say that I'm sorry. That is not at all what I meant.

"I must start buying lottery tickets" is me laughing at myself for thinking that I could win the lottery and change the world when I don't ever remember to buy lottery tickets in the first place. It was a joke against myself.

I don't know what else to say...

Musie, Social Services in the US are grossly underfunded and spread very thin. Their quality varies from state to state -- they are state run agencies, separate from each other. There are no HVs or any comparable home-visiting system for anyone, let alone newly adopted children and families. The best you can hope for is that the agency that facilitated the adoption has resources to help out when you bring the child home. Some do and some don't.

There is also a fear among adoptive parents that if they reach out for help to an agency the facade they presented to them when making their case to adopt the child will be seen through and the child taken away. They are afraid to show dysfunction or any sign of not coping. Couples spend thousands and thousands of dollars to go through the adoption process. Sadly, ending up with nothing after all that time and money keeps people from seeking help in some cases.

Jemnot I'm sorry, people are usually quite scathing about the lottery (which I am about to check ) I read your comments all wrong. Mea culpa.

It's no excuse but this is so sodding awful

mathanxiety - I agree that the area of america does vary significantly. It should be divided into different countries. . I'm from the Northeast and a "middle class" upbringing where we were NOT showered with "stuff" and nothing was done in what is so often portrayed as the "american way" by families such as the one you mentioned. It depends on where you are.

But this incident is horrific. I can't believe this woman was allowed to adopt in the first place.

I honestly think that there HAS to be a heck of a lot of the story we aren't getting.

I'm deeply saddened by it all. Poor lad.

I've had to wait a while to calm myself before posting. I'll admit that as a Russian/ Ukrainian household we do have certain views on America...I believe it's mutual.

I really nearly cried on reading this. He looks just like my son and other children I knew with poor starts in the village. He looks like a misunderstood child, poor poor thing. I know in my home country there's a real problem with alcohol/ drugs and children suffering as a result, but it makes me feel so sad to see children scattered across the globe when they're so vunerable. I must say though, people view the orphanages like the Romanian orphanages in the news 20 years ago, but in my village the orphanage is a wonderful place. There are 20 children living above the old clinic n a huge flat with a childless couple and their extended family caring for them in a loving environment and the state funds it well. It's not fancy, it's a deprived area yes, but these children grow up loved and in the community. My own father was an orphan and grew up in his birth village and has done very well for himself thanks to good education provided. I think people see themselves as saving these children from a horrible life so therefore ANYTHING is better than the deprived lives they lead. They may be poor but I must say that the care system is NOT horrific by any means. Simply over-stretched.

I can accept adoptions break down but I truely hope this woman is prsecuted for child crulety for the way she handled the break down of the relationship. I also hope Russia does freeze adoptions to America until a new set of guidelines is agreed upon.

Poor little boy - what a sad face he has.

The american woman behaved terribly and she should have be brought to to task over this.

But i wouldn't have any problem in believing that the orphanage lied to her about his mental health and behavioural issues.

Close friends of ours adopted a girl from russia - she's been with them four years now and is adorable and they are a very happy and loving family.

But the bribery and corruption my friends were faced with on a daily basis just to bring their daughter home was astonishing.

Police, social services, nurses, clerks all wanted their kick backs. the final judge demanded a Louis Vuitton bag (they gave her a £3 fake one from Hong Kong) and there's nothing you can do put pay up if you want to bring your children home.

Our friends paid for a doctor to accompany them and he diagnosed their daughter with foetal alchol syndrome, malnourishment and delayed development - all furiously denied by the orphanage.

It didn't make any difference they still wanted their little girl but at least they knew what they were dealing with when they brought her home and could set up the appropriate care

I believe he may have had problems that were hushed up but if she had him a year she should have loved him enough to try and get help? I don't know. Very sad that he has to back to an orphanage. He might not trust another adult again now. Is it just me or does he look traumatised?

I can't stop thinking about this poor boy

so so awful - I really hope they are taking good care of him in russia

so all we need is for me, Jemnot and Milady to win the lottery and all the children that need love and a good home will be taken care of

The American system is so different that it has always baffled me, and it may even be different state to state, I don't know.

When I first had the internet seven years ago I was mesmerised by a blog written by a couple living in San Francisco who were desperate to adopt. I followed their story as several babies became available and the process broke down, and their pain.

One attempt was really harrowing, they drove cross-country with all the baby gear only to be told that the "Birth-Mom" had changed her mind. Fair enough, she was very young and confused. The blog entry read, "we have cried and we have screamed", oh it was awful.

Eventually they did get to adopt a baby girl but for the life of me I could not understand why they kept treating the birth Mother to days out in Disneyland (she was quite young) and holidays here there and everywhere. The adoptive couple were lovely chaps, solvent and successful, but the arrangements were a bit , smacking of money and privilege over the choice to keep a baby.

Adoption in the U.K (when I was adopted at any rate) is final. I often wonder if it is so final legally that if I met my biological brother (who does exist) that I might be permitted to marry him and have children with him. Because legally, we are nothing to each other.

Could someone from the UK have "returned" a child in this way? I'd like to think not

By the way, I hope you have seen my apology Jemnot, I am so ashamed of myself, honestly. There was absolutely no need for you to try to explain. I was very upset by this thread and completely misunderstood you.

I'm nice really. But if ever you need back-up I'll be there with claws out

Did anyone else think it was that the adoptive mother spent 4 days in Russia before he was released for adoption? Did I read that right? She only spent 4 days in Russia and this included any interviews/checks to determine whether or not she was suitable to be an adoptive mother?

Really hope I'm reading it wrong.

There is / was MNer who spent weeks and months pre-adoption in either Russia or Eastern Europe as I recall. That should be the norm, surely? Four days is very

maryz, you are absolutely right, but the whole thing is so horrible for me to contemplate, I'm hoping that there really couldn't be a woman as cold as this.

I just can't imagine what behaviour/issues would drive a mother to send her child back to an orphanage in Russia FGS, knowing how goddawful they are.

I dare say the whole sordid truth will come out. This is another one of those dreadful american car-crash society things isn't it?

Nice to see Milady and Jemnot making up.. good on the both of you!

She would have adopted through an agency in the US that should have done extensive background checking, and the paperwork would have been sent to Russia. The Russian authorities do not for the most part interview the prospective parents personally; they rely mostly on the paperwork submitted by the agencies to sort out unsuitable people and only send parents fit to adopt. The parent of one of DS's classmates spent all of one week in Russia before bringing their adopted son back with them (they all lived happily ever after though.)

There are hundreds of US agencies handling foreign adoptions, and the background and judgement of the social workers, etc. doing the necessary checks can vary according to education, upbringing, social class and region. In this adoption case, the family lived in Tennessee or Kentucky, where attitudes to children and behaviour expectations are often very different from those in better-off regions. In poorer regions, particularly in the South, attitudes to children tend to be rather harsh (imo), and they are sometimes expected to behave as little adults. It's not the modern middle class culture most MNers are probably used to -- there are families where the children call their parents Sir and Ma'am. This is also the kind of region where gratitude would be expected of an adopted child, especially one from 'godless Russia'...

Strawberrykate, I also hope the Russian government suspends American adoptions of Russian children, indefinitely. One abused child is one too many, and Russian children have died in their adoptive 'homes'.

Sorry, Nursie, just realised I called you Musie