OMG, has anybody read this about the adopted boy sent back?

[tweetymum]

Just saw www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1264744/American-sends-adopted-Russian-boy-behavioural-pr oblems.html this on the news, how can anyone be so callous?

In tears now, as we have an adoption from India going through and dreading what its going to mean for us. Horrible woman!

very sad. On sky news, the psychologist from Russian social services who has spoken with the boy said that according to boy, the mum used to drag him by the hair. V V shocking story. Can't imagine the trauma that poor boy has gone through.
How could she go through with buying ticket and put him on a plane...knowing where she got him from. Whatever the other side of the story is? She should have handed him over to american authorities.
Apols for typos and grammar - one hand with baby and tired...but shouldn't stop me from mn

There have been lots and lots of problems with Americans who have adopted children from Russia either neglecting, abusing or rejecting the children. A higher proportion of children adopted from Russia than from any other country into the US have been injured or killed by their adoptive parents. Here's another sad article.

I saw a documentary on US tv about a family that adopted three children, two biological sisters aged probably 12 and 15 or so, and an unrelated boy who was maybe 4. The parents had an image of themselves as Americans saving the poor victims of the cruel bolshies and their horrendous orphanage system. Their parenting approach consisted mainly of showering the girls with stuff, going shopping every weekend for clothes and Disney tat. The older girl rebelled and was eventually sent by the parents to a scare 'em straight camp for recalcitrant teens, while the younger girl became Little Miss America, did modelling, excelled in school, learned English fast, etc. The boy had behaviour problems and didn't seem to settle either.

The family eventually found its way to a specialist in adoption problems who told the parents they had completely misunderstood the Russian orphanage system of raising children. It turned out that the orphanage was much more of a normal home than the Florida house they had been sent to live in. There were behaviour expectations, a limited system of rewards (the never-ending stream of stuff for nothing had completely confused the older sister for this reason, while the younger one had lapped it all up). The adoption troubleshooter diagnosed the boy with a brain injury. The parents comments in the end revealed immense self-pity that their benevolence in saving the children was not reciprocated in endless gratitude and an unquestioning love of the American Way.

They got two lovely girls, smart, responsible and devoted to each other, and they managed to drive them apart, label one a troubled teen and deprive her of a chance at education at a regular school, and spoiled the other. And they were resentful that they now had to take care of a brain-damaged boy.

Americans tend to be incredibly anti-Russian; to them, Russia is still the Cold War USSR, and they believe there is absolutely nothing good there. Many see themselves in a very unrealistic light when they go about adoption from Russia. It is sought as a patriotic ego-boost rather than a commitment to be a real parent to a real child who may or may not have been living in deprived circumstances. The Florida family's definition of 'deprivation' was entirely about material things. The girls had had good relationships and had been growing into responsible young women in the orphanage, and adoption for them was a tragedy.

Let us not paint all "Americans" with the same brush, shall we? It's a big country with lots of different people with different beliefs and I happen to know several American families who have adopted from Russia, China and central America and have raised them in a well balanced, caring home with normal boundaries without showering them with stuff all of the time or neglecting them...etc.

Not saying they are all wonderful... they aren't. Just think it's sad when people generalize like that. Sorry, generalise.

I would say the sort of people of whom you speak, mathanxiety, exist all over the world. Sadly, the media, films..etc. love to represent this kind of person as the face of "America". I know no one in my entire family or circle of friends and their families who
"tend to be incredibly anti-Russian; to them, Russia is still the Cold War USSR, and they believe there is absolutely nothing good there."

And everyone that I have known that has adopted have not had the wrong intentions...in fact, they have provided them with a fabulous upbringing... quite similar to one in which MN jury would deem appropriate

Wow, I surprise myself. I don't usually stick up for Americans. . I just thought mathanxiety's post was a bit off in generalising Americans and relations with other cultures and Americans and adoption.

OMG this has really upset me

How the hell could she expect a young boy like this, who has been put into an orphange after living with his alcoholic mother for 6 years and then being taken to America all within less than 2 years, be completely happy and settled in the short time he's been with her?

Having a friend who's boy of the same age and is still struggling with his father leaving 2 years ago I can see how this boy might have been affected by his experience but seriously he needed a lot of love not sending back like an unwanted letter.

I know many Americans whose view of Russia and Russians is negative. I would say the majoriy of Americans I know fall into this category. My Russian friends comment sadly on this to me, but they don't feel they can say anything like that to the Americans they know. They weren't exactly expecting open arms in the US, but they are more open-minded about America than they feel many Americans are. And they have a different parenting approach from the American middle class one they have encountered.

The documentary I mentioned was on NBC or possibly ABC, and it seemed to be pretty well balanced. Fact is, there have been more incidents of abuse against Russian adoptees by American adoptive parents than by adoptive parents of Russian children anywhere else in the world. I think in cases where children have suffered abuse or even death, there are unrealistic expectations at play, as well as cases where unsuitable people have been cleared as adoptive parents by agencies who seem to have valued the potential to provide materially for the children over the emotional resources they could offer.

Sorry StarExpat, to seem rather down on Americans. I know two American families who adopted children from Russia and everyone settled down happily, but my neck of the American woods is definitely not Florida McMansion territory.

Very sad but I'll tell you how some people in England think of adoption. My (adoptive) parents truly believe that if a child has been through awful conditions that they should be more loving and "grateful" than a child who has been adopted early.

I don't agree with that. To me it's very silly to believe that the more hardship a child has endured, the more pliable they are - far from it! Damaged children are hard work. Rewarding, but challenging.

But I have had this notion thrown at me all my life. How "lucky" I am to have been fostered at three months old and kept. My parents kept me you know, I was very lucky to have been kept. I'm not sure how many other children were constantly told that fact as young children

No understanding of attachment problems, no awareness of trust issues or anything like that. It's all about being praised for taking on unwanted children. Some people are just very selfish. I hate to say it but when it came to my adoptive parents well, God knew better than to let them have children of their own and they took that out on me.

Oh my that poor child. Does the woman not realise how damaging her behavior would have been to him?

I agree she should face charges aswell as an investigation as to how well her own child is looked after.

Thank you maryz, that is how it should be. Come my lottery win and the subsequent larger house and hopefully fostering I'd have the right attitude I hope

MiladyDeWinter

I think that attitude of expecting gratitude came across in the documentary I saw.

This case is so upsetting. The boy looks a bit like my ds1, who behaved quite badly for the first couple of years after being looked after by abusive ex, and needed a lot of patience until he settled down.
This boy looks so desparate in teh photos.

And from your post, the very idea that adoptive parents should be grateful, it's so alien to what I grew up with which was that I should be thankful that I was clothed and fed more or less.

I don't remember any checks after my adoption. I suppose it was assumed that I was now my parents' property and they could abuse me as they saw fit... Adoption doesn't always mean a Happy Ever After.

Poor Artem - I really hope someone with the resources and strength to love him comes forward.

how sad for the little boy. just awful.

Very, very sad

However, I agree with Soupdragon, I am certain there is more to this story, and wouldn't be surprised if the Russian insistence that the boy's only disability was 'flat feet' was utter crap.

He lived with an alcoholic mother until he was 6, his problems are likely to be much more complex than they led her to believe.
Whilst she clearly neglected her responsibilities towards him, I don't doubt that the orphanage and adoption management team have neglected theirs.

"How the hell could she expect a young boy like this, who has been put into an orphange after living with his alcoholic mother for 6 years and then being taken to America all within less than 2 years, be completely happy and settled in the short time he's been with her?"

Well EXACTLY! Sorry for shouting but I couldn't agree more.

This made me cry. Actually I've been a bit overemotional over the past few days anyway, but it just upsets me to think of what must be going on in this little boys mind right now.

He's already been neglected by his natural mother, institutionalised, promised a new life in America, dragged around by his hair and then abandoned after only 6 months and put back on a plane to be returned to the orphanage with only a typed note saying that he was no longer wanted.

How could anyone think it was appropriate to send a 7 year old (some reports say 8) on a 10 hour journey alone back to the orphanage to be met by a stranger with just a typed letter saying that she 'no longer wanted to parent this child'.

Where is the stability in this child's life? He must be terrified. His future is just hanging in the balance he doesn't know where he is going to live and what is going to happen to him.

I wouldn't treat an animal like that let alone a child. I want to know what happens next? This child has been badly let down and something needs to be done to get him settled ASAP in a stable and reliable nurturing environment to help him regain his trust, security and be raised now in a safe and loving environment.

I wish I had the money/time/space/permission to take him. Above all else what he need now is security, safety, stability and to be cherished with unconditional love within a family unit. I hope that he gets it.

@ tweetymum. I hope that this doesn't affect your adoption. I'd love to hear more about that? Is it possible that I could email you please?
x

"Come my lottery win and the subsequent larger house"

lmao - on that day there shall be no more abandoned children or abused animals in the whole of England! Of course I'm referring to my own imminent lottery win when I say that! I was watching a documentary about Tibet recently and there was a 5 year old child who needed a heart operation and his parents didn't have the money. He was literally dying and the father was telling him that it was ok to 'sleep now' and he would 'go up into the sky like on an areoplane' and my DP came home and I was sitting there surrounded by my coursework about the environment and in floods of tears and my DP walked in and said 'if global warming upsets you so much why do you study it?' lol! Thankfully, at the end of the documentary they said that a 'viewer' had phoned in and paid for the operation and that the child had survived.

It was heartbreaking.

Wouldn't it be good to be rich so if you were watching a documentary like that you could (instead of crying) just pick up the phone and make it all better?

I really must start buying lottery tickets!

I must admit to not knowing anything much about the adoption system in the US, but do they not have a Social Services check up to make sure things are going ok in adoptions (espec International adoptions)?

I really don't understand how that woman, a nurse, would not have expected there to be problems with a little boy whose alcoholic mother had abandoned him tp an orphanage. I would expect there to be behavioural difficulties to deal with. I expect there would have been frustrations with language difficulties but why oh why would she not seek help.
And yes adoptions do fail, its very sad when that happens, but to send a small child on an international filght as an unaccompanied minor with a note saying "faulty, not wanted" is beyond belief.

I've watched a documentary about international adoptions where they showed good and bad, and one of the bad cases was about a little boy who died from scalding and neglect. His adoptive father put him in a bath of 140F (60 C)degree water. He received 2nd and 3rd degree burns. His mother (a nurse) waited for 2 days, then treated him with Tylenol and Vaseline. She took him to the hospital only after he went into respiratory failure, and they couldnt save the little fella. Both parents are now in prison.

I dont understand why she didnt contact USA SS, unless she thought they might remove her own child. In one report it says she paid for someone to be on the plane with him too.
Still terrible act on her part imo

I read that as her agreeing with you?