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Responsibility to let girls be tom boys...

244 replies

Judy1234 · 29/05/2009 10:27

Do you dress your girls in pink? Expect them to be housewives? Given then a role model at home of mother home 24/7 doing dull domestic stuff, father hardly there? or do you encourage them in their adventurousness, let them ride, ski, fight, climb trees? Would you steer them away from a stereotyped party dress and read them stories where girls can be brave rather than simper?

........
From The Times
May 29, 2009
The pernicious pinkification of little girls
Find the link between (a) princess costumes (b) short hair and (c) the number of women graduates in maths and science
Antonia Senior

Where have all the pirate queens gone? Where are the cowgirls and the Supergirls? Today's fancy dress parties divide strictly on gender lines. The boys' side holds a handful of Batmans, a sprinkling of Spider-Mans, some soldiers and the odd cowboy. And on the girls' side, ten identikit princesses, swathed in pink, encrusted with fake crystals.

Is this, then, the summit of their ambition, the ultimate fantasy wish of modern girlhood - to be a princess? A role that can be inherited along with genetic mutations from generations of inbreeding. You can work for the role, it is true. Be pretty enough, my darling girl child, and mute enough, and bland enough, and you too could marry a prince. Because every girl's dream should be to lead a life of buffed and pedicured leisure, courtesy of a balding, chinless aristocrat, Whisper it, but the frog, as long as he's funny and kind, would have been the better bet.

There is an alternative to being a princess, a second costume beloved of today's girls. They shun the Ice Queens and the Elven warriors, ignore Artemis, the huntress, and Athena, the wise. Instead they celebrate the Fairy; three inches of cute, winged blondeness, dressed, inevitably, in pink.

This creeping pinkification of girlhood is ubiquitous. Toys and clothes have split down gender lines. It is impossible to buy a gender- neutral bike any more. Bikes come in blue, or in pink; as do baby walkers, and mini-keyboards, and any other toy that might once have been - imagine it! - purple or green.
Background

  • Staff baffled by fuss over bed called Lolita

  • Hollywood goes girly

  • Katie Price: a feminist icon of our times?

  • Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen and his daughter Cecile

Girls' jeans come with butterflies and hearts stitched on every spare centimetre of fabric. T-shirts carry cute slogans - ?Cherry cute! Hello Kitty?. Swimming costumes are girdled with frills. Next time you are in the park, try to spot a prepubescent girl with short hair, or one wearing trousers. Long hair, dresses and pink; it's Amish meets Disney out there.

The triumph of this pink and cutesy ideal of girlhood is grim for more than aesthetic reasons. A report published this week by the Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development (OECD) highlighted the differences between 15-year-old girls and boys' attitudes to learning. Even though girls graduate from senior school in greater numbers than boys across the OECD countries, girls lag behind in key areas. Boys outperform girls in maths in all but eight countries. In most OECD countries, girls and boys perform equally well in science. But in six countries, boys achieve significantly better results. Top of this list is the United Kingdom.

There is a correlation between attitudes to academic subjects and performance. In the UK, girls don't do numbers. And girls definitely don't do science. Angel Gurría, the OECD's secretary-general, argues that we are complacent about gender stereotyping and that the idea that boys don't do reading and girls don't do maths persists.

These girls will one day grow up. Even though the number of women at university is increasing rapidly, they are not narrowing the gap in science, maths and computer science. As graduates then, they leave the lucrative jobs in the City, in laboratories and in computers to the boys. Armed with liberal arts degrees - a useful accoutrement in the marriage market, like a little French and dancing once were - they may marry their prince after a few years pretending to have a career at an auction house. But happy ever after is a lie. Divorce statistics suggest he is likely to leave for a pinker, younger version.

The modern, Western world has emancipated women and made breadwinners out of them. Yet we are imprisoning our little girls in pink straitjackets, and then acting surprised later when their academic ambitions fail to outshine their accessories. Our girls' view of the world is pink-tinted partly because of the supply of cheap goods. When hand-me-downs ruled, parents would be more cautious. Now that clothes and toys are imported and cheap, it matters less if you buy all pink for your first-born, and replace it all with blue when a boy arrives. A T-shirt is expendable when it cost £5 in the shop, and pennies to make in a sweatshop employing the quick, cheap fingers of foreign children.

But the pinking process would not be happening without demand from the girls themselves and their parents. Put a gaggle of girls in a nursery and they will copy each other. Throw into the mix the culturally overbearing world of Disney, add a sprinkle of fashion fairy dust, and a roomful of princesses is born. For a vision of what this looks like, visit disney.go.com/princess/#/home. All the Disney princesses are there in a terrifying tableau of simpering, gurning girlishness. Why are all these princesses, the apotheoses of modern girlhood, clasping their hands together in front of them, in an expression of coy submissiveness?

If peer pressure is one driver of demand, the other must come from the parents. Perhaps this is a backlash against the Seventies, when boys called Orlando were forced to play with dolls, and girls wore trousers. Feminist theory has developed since then, recognising that there are differences between the sexes. But this seems to have mutated into an insistence that we emphasise the differences. If a girl old enough to choose begs to dress as a princess, it would be dogmatic to refuse. But why encourage this inanity in babies and toddlers too young to care?

The mothers of these girls, the careless inheritors of the equality hard won by their own mothers and grandmothers, are complicit in this pinking up of girlhood. Why? These women have themselves bestridden the world of work like colossi. Yet they are raising a generation of girls who, when confronted by a periodic table or a quadratic equation, are fit only to curl hair coyly round fingers, and say, in an affected lisp: ?Why are we bothering our pretty little heads about any of this??

OP posts:
poshsinglemum · 30/05/2009 23:27

I love girly clothes and accesories, (although I draw the line at pink!) but I still have a career and have done many tomboyish things in my time.
My dissertation was on gender stereotypes , in fact and while I agree that the pinkification of girlhood is nauseating I don't think that feminine clothing is bad per se. Overtly sexual clothing however for girls is of course awful. I was horrified to find that now baby high heels are being manufactured- disgusting.

edam · 30/05/2009 23:46

Nighbynight, how could I forget good old EPT?

SarfEast · 30/05/2009 23:55

My LO wears pink, green, red, turquoise and at 19 months whatever I dress her in. Pink really suits her. See doesn't have the butterfly encrusted stuff though, but if she really liked it I'd let her. When I was a LO i was obsessed with fairies and would have loved to have them all over my clothes, DD seems much more down to earth and prefers dogs at the mo.
I consider it to be my job to let her be what she wants to be, and if she wants to be a fairy princess for a while she can be, and if she wants to be a monkey for a while then she can be that to.
Hopefully we'll do a good enough job in bringing he up that she will never think that she isn't as good as anyone else male of female and that she can achieve anything she wants in life...
She will never EVER wear those Lelli-kelly shoes though.

SOLOisMeredithGrey · 31/05/2009 00:14

Hmmmmmmm...

Dd is 2.5. She has blue(friends boys cast offs)bed linen, she wears jeans and trousers, some have a pattern on, some have nothing on. She wears pretty girly dresses and skirts too in pinks, lilacs, white, lemon and green, some are plain, some are flowery and some have bows on. All are my choice.

Give her the choice however and she'll choose a girly dress and sparkly shoes.

I'm a really feminine woman. I love to wear ball gowns and Laura Ashley frocks. I ride a motorbike that is bigger than most mens bikes that I know and I wear jeans most of the time. I used to drive double decker buses and the job I'm on a career break from is a prison officer.

I wonder how my Dd will turn out!

SalBySea · 31/05/2009 00:44

ok now I really wanna know where the likes of weegiemum does her clothes shopping - browsing in town today this thread came to mind when I saw all the yellow, green, red, white AND BLUE!!! sundresses and lots and lots of other non pink stuff in the girls section of ethelaustin. It really is not hard to avoid so if a girl is head to toe in pink it is because either she or her parents choose it, not because its all that's out there!

Tortington · 31/05/2009 00:46

whats wrong with pink?

Finona · 31/05/2009 01:10

I'm not a girly mum, and DH and I share the child care/work outwith the home burden - a deliberate choice, and one that has served us well for 5 years. Last time I had the kids into my work, my boss asked my DS who was the boss in our house? He looked at her like she had 2 heads and said, 'Today my mum is looking after us so she's the boss. Other days, my daddy looks after us. My mum and dad take turns and they're both the boss'. My boy! - he summed it up!
DS's favourite colour is red. Then blue. DD goes for pink, then yellow, then purple. They have good role models of parents who both work and who both look after them. I refuse to think that we're gender stereotyping them, and yet they are.....

piscesmoon · 31/05/2009 08:31

It is such a short phase, if they like pink I think it mean to deny them-it is much better to let them get it out of their system and move on.
I think it very unfair that they are supposed to ape 'boy things' and yet it never works the other way around. For example girls can join Cubs but I was surprised to find that boys can't join the Brownies. A girl can wear blue, green or brown dresses (or trousers)and yet you never see boys in pink Tshirts.
A parent would be quite happy to take their DD out dressed as a cowboy or spiderman but how many would take their DS out dressed as a princess or bride? I think people are more set in their ways than they think. Before you start trying to get your girl to be a tomboy would you be happy for your boy to be 'girly'? It seems a double standard to me; parents don't want to stereotype girls but they are quite happy to stereotype boys.

monkeytrousers · 31/05/2009 10:58

Exactly Custy. The question no one who likes to 'construct' these arguments will answer!

What is so bloody wrong with pink??

smugaboo · 31/05/2009 11:36

Argh! I have so many problems with the article in the OP. Here is an executive summary (my report will be published soon) ...

  1. The link between 'pinkification' and girls apparently not succeeding academically in science in maths is so tenuous its laughable. (a) if pinkification is such a modern phenomenon, then where did you get your control sample Ms Senior? Aren't these pink splattered, simpering fairies a little too young for you to hypothesise on their tertiary academic success? Considering they're still wearing their pink fairy dresses and all? (b) If your point on maths and science is correct, may I suggest that there may be other socio-cultural, even physiological, factors at play - other than the evil magic of a disney princess?
  1. As custardo asks - what is wrong with pink? Oh yeah, that's right - it represents the feminine. If I read one more woman proudly bleat that she is "not girlie" and her DD is a "tomboy" I'll take one of my DD's pink, tatty, sparkly plastic sandals and throw it at the computer screen! No seriously, if you take away the cynical marketing machine of Disney et al, we are left with the indisputable fact that many of our daughters are drawn to the 'pretty', which often, but not always, means pink. There is simply and utterly nothing wrong with that. Demonising pink (by blaming consumerism) is another way to demonise femininity.
  1. Which leads me to my last point. I think I might have to shout this bit. IS ANYONE ELSE GETTING SICK OF BEING THE MEDIA'S FAVOURITE PUNCHING BAG? I mean us - women and girls. It seems like every week that I read or hear something that is criticising the modern female culture and the modern woman/girl. I have recently read articles on all the following topics;
(a) The next generation are turning into pink obsessed, bland fem-bots whose only aspiration is to snare a husband and bake cupcakes (see above). (b) Young women today are crude, sexually aggressive binge drinkers who have no manners! (c) Mothers with young children are "dummy mummies" with nothing better to talk about that the consistency of their little darling's poo. (d) Although we have more materially, we are less happy than our mother's/grandmother's generations (read - go back to the kitchen girls, you were actually happier there) (e) We are not passing on feminist values to our daughters by letting them wallow in the vacuousness of celebrity culture.

Rise up sisters, one and all! I am woman hear me roar ...
[SMUGABOO WALKS AWAY FROM CAMERA, CROSSES A FOOTBALL PITCH AND PUNCHES THE AIR - FADE TO BLACK]

Judy1234 · 31/05/2009 11:54

But whatever you think about the article I do think it's important we keep reminding parents that girls don't just emerge as potential soldiers, surgeons and judges. They only see that as a possibility if parents enthuse about interesting careers and make girls realise they can be what they choose to be and that involves some parental attempt either to control what they watch, who their friends are and what their parents show them by way of example or giving them opportunities to try and consider possible careers.

OP posts:
BCNS · 31/05/2009 12:06

my DD wears pink and flowery things.. but with 2 big brothers she is also into extreme catching and trowing.. climbs a tree as good as any 5 year old boy.. andhas started Judo LOL

but she also likes dolls, pink things and pamper evenings with me.

have I got the right mix?? well she's happy so it must be.

OrmIrian · 31/05/2009 12:06

Bollocks smugaboo. Pink does not represent feminity - it represents a certain type of marketed feminity. Although I confess I have a problem with 'feminity' as it so often seen in the media. I am female, not neccessarily feminine. Feminine means the opposite of masculine - a set of behaviours that make you one or the other. And any set of behaviours that are sold as 'what women do' is restrictive.

OrmIrian · 31/05/2009 12:09

Sorry about the rather aggresive tone btw. Am feeling a bit anti-men atm. And wishing I was a great deal more forceful in rl

smugaboo · 31/05/2009 12:14

Whether pink represents true femininity or marketed femininity is not my point. My point is by demonising something that represents femininity (regardless of its merits), it demonises femininity itself. If I believed that pink itself was inherently damaging to girls, then I would have a problem with that - but I don't.

I must say, I am searching for a better word than femininity though - it has too many connotations. I really just mean "the essence of female" (hmm, might bottle that).

smugaboo · 31/05/2009 12:16

No worries!

monkeytrousers · 31/05/2009 12:25

Here here Smugaboo - though I think the sisters only rise up if there is somehting in it for them these days.

Xenia - "I do think it's important we keep reminding parents that girls don't just emerge as potential soldiers, surgeons and judges"

Er, actually they do. just as you did Xenia.

What makes a real difference is letting your child discover who they are and they do this by exporing many options. Being pushed into a prescribed roles - either by sexist men who think women belong caged in domestic captivity all their lives, or just as sexist women who think pink should be banned and girls doiscouraged from following their own choices in regards to preferences - is not the answer.

monkeytrousers · 31/05/2009 12:47

out of the mouth of babes - from yesterdays guardian

"Boys and girls are different because boys like secret spy codes and girls like flowers. But even a boy is different to a boy and a girl is different to a girl. We all have something that makes us special; everyone can do different things" Isaac aged 8

This 8 year old has just described an immesely complex idea that millions of adults fail to grasp. That difference does not equate to inequality and that trying to erase difference jusr creates more misery for individuals.

Weegiemum · 31/05/2009 12:58

We went and bought some houseplants yesterday and dd1 (9) chose a venus fly trap cos its cool. She's the not girlie one. Ds chose 3 very very spiky cacti, and dd2 (5, girlie) got an african violet all covered in purple flowers.

I'm glad I have a non-traditional 9 year old - she keeps me on my feminist toes. Last summer we went to a terribly traditional wedding which included "obey" and "wives submit to your husbands" and stuff like that and I was sitting there choking on my tongue when dd1 announced "but thats silly, Mum, there's no boss in our house, you and Dad are the same!" Thats despite the fact I have been a sahm or student or both at once for the last 7 years, she doesn't see that as any less valuable that her Dad going out to work, she sees that we have a choice (the fact that dh can make about 4x as much money as me, as he is a GP and I am a teacher, comes into this a lot. If it had been the other way round, he was perfectly happy to stay at home).

piscesmoon · 31/05/2009 14:26

I think girls do just emerge as soldiers,surgeons and judges-if that is what they want to do. I have always been attracted to jobs that are traditionally women's jobs and I don't see anything wrong in that. I don't see why they are thought not as worthy, interesting or equal. I see no need to go out and be an engineer just to prove myself.Girls should be left alone to play rugby, wear pink, row boats, climb trees, dress up as princesses etc -I don't see why anyone should engineer it differently. The most important thing is to have choice. Why are boys things better?

LeninGrad · 31/05/2009 14:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Judy1234 · 31/05/2009 15:41

But does she think women marry men who earn more though? Why aren't you the doctor and he the teacher?

OP posts:
Weegiemum · 31/05/2009 15:48

She certainly doesn't think that women marry men who earn more. When I married dh I was working and he was still a student. We have lots of friends who are doctors, some male, some female, and some earn more or less than their spouses. I'm not a doctor cos it would drive me insane and anyway I wasn't a science person - I have 2 degrees in Geography and Theology and a PGCE, and love teaching, (about to wade into marking exams here). Dh on the other hand is a fabulous GP and would make a terrible teacher. Neither of us chose our professions for their money making capacity, however.

piscesmoon · 31/05/2009 17:49

I would never choose a career based on the money I would make-that comes in at about number 4 on priorities. I didn't choose a DH on the money he makes.

monkeytrousers · 31/05/2009 18:47

If wopmen didn't want to marry men who could afford to care for a family Xenia men wouldn't care about money.

Bloody hell. I know you had loads of kids and also worked full time. That's what you chose to do. What this always begins to start smelling of is insecurity. As if, if women made more choices like yours then it would justify yoru own. You don't have to justify them to anyone. Just live and let live.